Thanks Mighty and Bea. Well, I was not going to beat myself about the past, but I must have done some horrible things. H texted today that he transferred the money for the condo mortgage. It was a short version again, without addressing me or bothering to type the whole sentence: “Transferred XXXX to your account”, compared to “I transferred XXXX to your account yesterday” he sent last month or addressing me by the name before that. It is exactly one months since the last text. At least he is consistent with the money. I guess he doesn’t want to lose the condo, LOL.
I think I caught GGG’s bug... The text didn’t bother me much, but it made to start thinking… What did do so terrible that after two years he is still angry at me. I interpret it as him being angry at me. Would he treat a friend or a person who does favors for him like that? I don’t think so. He would be very polite and considerate. And he wanted to be friends with me. And I do favors for him, taking care of the mortgage payment, not kicking him to the curb, tolerating his Playboy coming to the house and sending it to him.
I’m not in any way pursuing him, or want something from him, or bothering him. I left him alone to do what he wants to do. I’m not making his life difficult. He chose it himself. It is not my fault that it is not working the way he expected it to. Or, is it my fault? Did I coerce him into marring me and then kept him in the marriage for 17 years, and now he has trouble finding a willing woman in a desired age bracket with whom he would have a harmonious relationship? He left to find a better life, a better partner and start the next phase of his life. Or, and to start fresh with somebody new.
I guess it is not happening. But, it is NOT my fault. Or, maybe it is… It is very difficult to find somebody with similar qualities, looks, compatibility, etc. at the bars. I guess dating sites are also not very good, because meeting new people requires some WORK.
So, here it goes. I was posting here that my H was nice and polite and not doing any crazy stuff like others. Did I jinx it? He is not doing crazy stuff, thank goodness. But, he is back to be mean and short with me. What did I do? Even if he thinks that I’ve moved on and don’t really want to hear from him, he still could be polite with me. After all, this is what he wanted. I could understand if he would be dumped by me and was hurting, so he would be angry with me. But, it just the opposite. He had no feelings for me, he was not happy and the whole thing was supposed to be over 2 years ago.
Like I said I’m not mad, I’m not spinning. Just thinking. I just don’t get it.
Last edited by BrightFuture; 08/16/1401:29 AM.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Oh man, you're in a similar mental state as I am. It seems to be cyclical, huh? I'm 1.5 months in and you're 2+ years in. I think that's the frustrating part. The pain doesn't dissipate and that's rather discouraging but please know that you're not alone. You're not at fault. You are worth more than this and you know that. There's no reason that I can tell that he can't be polite and cordial to you. Unless he's resentful that you seem to be able to and perhaps he sees that you're doing it easily (though you're probably not). Maybe he's acting mean because you seem to be doing just fine and are so polite. I'm not saying you should change that at all because there's great power in being kind in situations that are hard to be kind in BUT that see-saw occurs in almost every situation.
Keep being you. Be kind. Don't let his bitterness and unkindness chip away at you.
Bright -I think they are angry with themselves, and that they blame us for how they feel. I don't know this, but this is how it seems.
You did nothing wrong. Relationships are messy and difficult, and MLCers want something they do not have to put effort into, anything that requires they look at their behaviour.
My xh is still angry with me, and actually has to manufacture situations to get angry about. After the divorce and long separation it is hard to find current excuses. I believe he is angry with himself, but cannot look inward.
So please stop taking the blame for something you didn't do. It is pointless, and it doesn't help anyone. Heal, and live your life. Easier said than done, I know, but possible.
Bright, Your h could very well be angry at himself or something may have happened during his day before he was in contact w/you. They lash out at the person closest to them because they feel safe in doing so.
My advice, please stop taking his actions personally. I know it's difficult to do, but you have to remember you aren't to blame for how he feels right now or what is happening in his world. He's the only one that can take that blame on for now. You didn't do anything wrong and maybe, just maybe, he realizes it and is feeling angry w/himself for putting both of you in this situation...but time will tell. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.
As long as your actions are kind, civil and courteous, then you have nothing to worry about on your side of the sandbox. Leave him to breaking his little shovel and putting holes in his sand pail.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just caught up with you here. Your h isn't angry at you, he's angry because his life isn't the way he thought it would be when he left. They think the grass will be greener (with or without an ow) and as Job said)they lash out at whomever is closest. As difficult as it is, ignore it and let it go.
You can't blame yourself for ANY of what he is doing now. If it was such an awful marriage and he felt it was all YOUR fault, do you think he would still be married to you? Wouldn't he have just headed straight to an attorney's office and filed for D? LOL Yeah, he's still not sure that he wants to be alone. Look at what my h did...filed for separation but then didn't want to fill out any paperwork to keep it moving along. Some of them just need more time than others to get through this.
I'm happy to read that you are doing well in your job. It's a good distraction and an ego booster as well!
I hope you don't mind if I hijack your thread for an update, Bright...
I'm hesitant to post on my own thread because I now have even more reason to believe that my h may be reading here. He's using too many of the terms that are all over this forum to be a coincidence. He told me yesterday that he doesn't know how else to get through to ow that HE IS FINISHED with her without hitting her upside the head with a 2X4 and then later said that he has gone DARK on her because blah, blah, blah. Oh, and a few weeks ago there was a comment on distancing and pursuing.
He has begun to wake up. I'm not certain but some of the well timed comments and a few of the seeds that I planted may inspired him to pay closer attention to the ow motives. I wouldn't suggest that anyone try this because it could very easily have given him cause to run even further away from me. I had come to a point where I didn't really care what happened any longer. I have always known that I'll be okay without him but haven't given up because of the connection that we had and continued to have through his mlc. I took the chance after seeing that he was growing weary and it seemed that the fog was beginning to lift.
He's also admitting to mistakes, testing to see if I've truly moved on, being extremely attentive, polite and he has withdrawn the separation. I see the changes in him. They're very subtle but they are there. He has a very long way to go and could just as easily turn to a new ow. I have ZERO expectations and continue along on my own journey.
Bea, I went looking for your new thread and couldn't find it??? I can't imagine what it's going to take to get your h to realize that you don't owe him anything and that you don't want him in your life!
Job, I gave my h a key to the garage so that he can "put a few pieces of yard equipment back" but along with those tools came brown grocery bags with clothing and miscellaneous items that one wouldn't normally store in a garage. He joked a bit about staying in the guest room if things get too tense at the other house, to which I have not responded. I'm still sitting on the curb watching to see how this ow drama ends.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Thanks everyone, Ss06, Bea, Job and NLT, for telling me that I didn’t do anything to cause this behavior. I kind of knew that, but could not help to think that it must have been so awful for him to have a R with me.
My guess is that maybe the work has not been going that great for him, and this condo is kind of a reminder that he still needs to work for a long time in order to pay for it.
I also think that his personal life is not getting anywhere. The grass is not getting greener. NLT, you are right, he hasn’t filed for D yet. But, I think there are some other factors why he is not doing it, besides being afraid to cut the last tie to me. He is afraid that the D would me messy, that I would divide everything and he will be in even worse situation. At least now he has this condo he can live in and have me as a backup in case he cannot pay for it. He also tries to avoid any confrontation at any cost, and I think he doesn’t want to look like a fool in front of people.
NLT, it great to hear from you! I was wondering how you’ve been. You are absolutely welcome to post here any time. I hope you will get replies from the vets as well. I don’t mind it at all. And it would be beneficial for me too.
So, there is a trouble in paradise. I chuckled about the brown grocery bags with the cloths. Yes, I can see why he is hesitant to hit ow upside the head with 2x4. It might prompt her to take another trip on a kayak, LOL.
I’m glad that you see some positive changes in him. He might be coming around, but it could take a long time. All you need to do is to have patience.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hey Mighty, thanks for checking up on me. I’ve been doing good, mostly, with some sadness creeping in sometimes. Overall, my life is good. I’m settled at work. I went on a business trip two weeks ago and discovered that it is not that bad to travel through the airports. I had a security Precheck on my boarding pass, so I went through the lines without removing my shoes and taking anything out of my bag. It was easy. There was one hiccup in Houston, but I was prepared for it. So, I’m excited about the travel again.
I took a couple of days off last week and went to my vacation home with my sister and her son. We had a great time. We met with my (mutual) friends over there. From what I understood, there have no communication with H. He called them last week to inquire about the condo because he just learnt about the heavy rain over there two weeks prior. I already mentioned that my friends called me to let me know that the condo was ok. They didn’t call H. Which is a bit strange. I didn’t talk to them about that, because my sister was there, so I was trying not to mention H at all.
Another thing was that I could not start H’s car to take it out of the garage, so I could park my car there. It was very hot, so I wanted my car to stay cool. Well, my male friend was supposed to start H’s car once in a while, but he didn’t. I guess the battery just died. Apparently H has not been concerned about the car, otherwise he would remind my friend to check it. It just seems that H has been trying to avoid any difficulties or bad news in life right now.
Yesterday was H’s niece’s wedding. His sister’s daughter. It was in the city where H’s oldest brother lives. H’s other brother, who lives here (my BIL) said before that he was not going to this wedding because this is the second one for his niece and he was not invited to the first one. I thought that H would not go also, but it looks like he went. I saw the credit card charges in that city. I think he is going to the next wedding too, the other niece (his older brother’s daughter), which is going to be in the same city in two weeks. So, there is definitely some connection with the family, I don’t know.
I’m going to my BIL’s (H’s brother) later today for a BBQ, so I might learn more info.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Went to my BIL’s today. My sister and family went too, so my son and his GF. Found out that my BIL (H’s brother) didn’t go to his nieces’ wedding. He said the same thing he said before, that he is not going to the 2nd, 3rd, etc. weddings, plus he was not invited to the first one. He said that he is going to the other wedding in two weeks and that H is going there too. I wanted so badly to say that I’m offended that my son was not invited, but I didn't say anything. But, it really hurts to know that my son was not invited. Am I being delusional again? My son is not their blood, but my H raised him and he was friends with the bride’s brother for a few years in elementary and middle school before we moved to a different state.
I’m really upset about this and hurt for my son. I’m thinking I need to remove my H’s niece and his older brother (her father) from my LinkedIn connections. I’m seriously thinking about this. What a bunch of hypocrites.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I’m contemplating whether I should tell my BIL that I’m really disappointed that my son is not invited to the wedding, so he could convey this to the rest of the family when he is there in two weeks. I’m tired of being punched out and keeping it quite. I’m also disappointed about my H not standing up for my son. What a loser…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
