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OK. The dust has settled on the emails. It's a non-issue. Like many things I made a mountain out of a mole-hill. Tonight I am coming out with something else I need to. Many of you probably already knew this. But here it is...I have some type of sexual addiction.

I didn't really think so in the past. I mean, I knew I used porn, but thought that was normal, and that I was just a normal man. And I never went beyond porn, so I was able to minimize it in the sense I wasn't having serial affairs, etc. But porn was just a symptom. The real problem is objectifying women.

I thought stopping porn would help. I've read that after a period of time goes by it allows you to come out of that fog to some extent. And I'm only like 7 weeks out now. But still, I am combating not just 15 years of habits/images, but also many years of thoughts and outlooks that haven't done much to improve my life.

I don't want to objectify women. I see it's destructive, and not consistent at all with my core beliefs or anything else in my life. I just have never thought it was within my power to change. I have to challenge that idea though, because the consequences of not changing are just too destructive to me and those around me.

I've been reading up on a site called 'sexual control' that has a free book called 'The Most Personal Addiction'. I don't pretend I have it figured out, under control, and I'm not looking for pats on the back that I'm facing this. I'm just putting it out there so I don't sweep it back under the rug. I know it will be a long and difficult journey so I have to commit now to sticking it out or I'll never get anywhere.

No wonder there are so many people on these sites. It's HARD to walk a healthy path. I mean, I thought I was doing well because I didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, gamble, overeat, I held a good job, etc, etc. But it just seems like no matter how many things you do right there are so many pitfalls in life that if you have any voids in your heart something will ensnare you and tear your life apart. But enough being a victim. I have choices to make now. I will read some more, journal, and take another step.

Wishing you all good things with your own battles, healing, and growth.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
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Wow. What a realization, Zeus, and not an easy one to face.

I suspect my h has a sexual addiction, too. I don't know and I'm not sure how to find out but the vast amount of porn is a big part of my concern.

You said you were 7 weeks out from stopping looking at porn, is that right? That is incredibly commendable. I don't mean to make light of your efforts or your challenge but I just recently gave up my starbucks habit. 5 days in and it's HARD!!! And that's just coffee!!! So, give yourself some credit for your efforts and facing that challenge every minute of every day. That's nothing to scoff at or gloss over. Celebrate that.

You said you have choices to make. What are they? How do you hope to address your objectification of women? How will you know you're succeeding?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Zues126 Offline OP
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Good questions ss. I don't really know. I never considered it as a choice until now because it seems so impossible. Like telling myself to stop looking at food as food. Sorry if that's stupid to say, just trying to explain that it seems like it's been a lifelong construct in my mind that's so exhaustive I can't easily see another way.

Some random thoughts. Maybe if I wasn't so hungry all the time...I mean, I think deep down everything I've ever done has been with the idealistic notion that it would earn me the approval of a woman that would then in turn satisfy my desires. The weird part is that doesn't sound as dark when I say it that way. Only that I feel it goes beyond healthy desire, and turns into wanting to fill a void. That void takes what can be loving and intimate and drives it to something more destructive. It's confusing to me still, I actually thought it WAS intimate because my W got to see and be with the 'real' me and 'understand' me, I thought we WERE connecting. But now I see that's not the real me, that's the dark and twisted me that I believed myself to be. So maybe if I accept myself more or find a way to minimize or cope with that void that would help.

Also, I read something tonight that made sense to me. That a woman's looks are the first thing I will see when I see a woman. But instead of stopping there, I can wonder who she is, what she likes, what her values are, etc. By consciously being curious about what lies beyond the surface it may take my attention off the surface. And that's important too because otherwise I'm either ignoring the rest of her or filling it in with fantasy. My W couldn't compete with fantasy, but when it comes to real people she's top shelf.

Beyond that, I don't know just yet how to tackle this. I plan on just reading a lot, talking to my IC and DB, journaling, etc. Hopefully if I read stories from other's struggles and successes, and learn more about it, at some point I'll find a trail that leads me forward.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 87
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Zues,

I highly recommend reading the book "Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child," by Margaret Paul. It was immensely helpful for me in dealing with my own issues, as well as to my H in dealing with his, and she talks a fair bit about sexual addiction. She also recommends that people attend Sex Addicts Anonymous: https://saa-recovery.org/. I cannot say enough about this book (and I swear I don't get any kickbacks for recommending it!). I have done a LOT of reading since H said he was done, including 5LL, Codependent No More, Healing Your Aloneness, I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You, Embracing Uncertainty, and a few others, but this one was by far the most helpful. I found it a little weird at first, but I've now read it three more times, and I really get it now.

I want to echo what Ss said - dealing with this is very commendable of you! It is incredibly brave of you to really look deep into yourself like this. Not many people are able to do that.

I'm giving you a virtual fist-bump.

Jacket


Me: 35, H: 37, no kids
Together since 2002, Married since 2007
IDKIILY: 2/2013
MC: 5/2013-6/2014
H stated he was REALLY done: 4/2014
I moved out 7/6/14
H filed end of 8/2014 but still hasn't served me
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Zues126 Offline OP
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Thanks Jacket. I will check out that book. If you read back in my post a few weeks ago I realized my fear of abandonment wasn't from anyone else, but from me abandoning myself.

I'm not going the route of Sex Addicts Anonymous for a couple of reasons. One, in the book I'm reading they are very opposed to the 12 step program for sex. The problem is that program is about repressing desire, avoiding triggers, etc. And that 12 steps works better for alcohol/drugs that can be completely given up, vs. sex or food that need to be viewed differently. They say the trick is to identify which desires are healthy and which are addictive. Much more to that essay but the overview, it has to be managed differently and that 12 steps can do more harm then good. Secondly, I don't really have issues with my behavior. Like I said, porn was the only outside activity I engaged in and that has quit. I have no fear I will be doing anything on the outside that looks like a sexual addiction.

Let's just say I'm now a 'dry' addict and am trying to work on the roots of the issues. I think the inner bonding book is a good place to start.

Also- I have been thinking of something that applies to a LOT of us in various ways. I am a 'fantasy' addict. I just read your post about how your H wanted to fluctuate between a '5-9' on the romance scale, and how he thinks he could've done that with someone else. Sorry, but that's all FANTASY. Just because he felt a spark in high school he has no way of knowing whether there would've been a deeper connection. It's just him DESIRING something and then FANTASIZING that something out there MUST fill those needs. In fact, the whole DB process can be an exercise in fantasy if I'm not careful (I'll change, we'll fall back into love, live happily ever after, etc...). While reconciliation may be attained it won't be a fantasy life. It will be me learning to accept and live with REAL life.

What I'm learning is that if those desires and needs are bottomless pits then there isn't anything that will fill them. And I destroyed the potential for a good M by fantasizing about a perfect M that would fix my broken self.

So- I will continue to manage my physical behavior, I will continue to learn and grow to understand more about my destructive objectifying outlook. And finally I have been VERY aware then when I start thinking in terms of fantasy I have to get a reality check.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
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Zues,

You're really speaking to me here, man. I feel like I was meant to read your most recent post because I feel like you're stating a lot of what my H hasn't yet discovered about himself (like my mind reading?). He has a fantasy of what marriage is supposed to be and I firmly believe he thinks it's supposed to fix what's broken in both people. Ours didn't do that so he wants out. I can't teach him otherwise so I can only hope that he can be as introspective as you are.

Keep it up. You're really doing well.

Hugs,

Ss


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Zues,

Thanks for the very thoughtful post above ^^^.

Your statement about fantasy being so seductive is spot on.
It will never fix what's broken, and it's not real.

Unfortunately, my H continues to chase the fantasy of the "Right Person" being able to make him completely different, and make all his issues disappear.

More than blaming me for what went wrong in our M, he seems to believe that if I had been the "Right" person, we would not have had any problems.

Thanks for wording it in such a comprehensible way!

---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Zues126 Offline OP
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Thanks SS. It's SO confusing. Through my life I've been out of touch with my emotions and have lived in my mind, this has both distorted my reality AND made it hard to make good choices when it's too complicated to analyze.

For example. I am addicted to fantasy. I have unrealistic expectations, and feel devastated when reality doesn't meet those needs. And I have voids in my heart stemming from neglecting my own real emotions, and failing to take care of myself.

On the other hand, some needs are reasonable. My DB coach told me it's reasonable to expect to feel appreciated, desired, and significant. Those needs might have to be met in ways other than how I expect them to be. But that once those needs were met I might find I could live without the other stuff in my mind.

My STBX might have dismissed even my basic needs because the ways I expected them fulfilled were so crazy she was able to dismiss them out of hand.

So on the one hand I have to take care of myself, and if I am in an R I need my partner to validate and attend to those basic needs. On the other I have to live in reality and understand I will always have days I feel sad, down, neglected, unappreciated, and that I have to learn to live with that to some extent.

Then again, the idea that I'll be able to learn how to do all of this and find a meaningful and enjoyable R seems like a fantasy of it's own sometimes.

See why I say this is confusing? Good thing I have the gift of time!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 87
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Zues,

You've already come a long way by realizing you've abandoned yourself. Inner Bonding then talks about what to do to reconnect to yourself. Good luck with it! I still abandon myself at times too but have gotten better at not letting it happen. I try to honor my inner child (my feelings) and then take action on behalf of what I am feeling. MC helped me to identify my feelings; Inner Bonding then helped me figure out what to DO about those feelings.

Also, thanks for reading through my thread. I agree that my H is after a fantasy, as do all of the friends I've told about my situation and as do a number of his friends who have reached out to me. I just don't know what to do about it, but I guess the answer is nothing. Like Ss said, I have to just hope that one day he'll figure out that what he's after doesn't really exist. His sister has been pushing him hard to date (even though she and I had been staying in contact and she knew that I would be upset by this recommendation) so he can see if he has that romantic spark with anyone the way he believes he will. I know that most people on the boards have been stipulating to their WASs that because they're still married, no outside dating is allowed, but in my case, I kind of think he's going to have to, otherwise, even if we were to R, he'd always believe he's missing out on something.

Jacket


Me: 35, H: 37, no kids
Together since 2002, Married since 2007
IDKIILY: 2/2013
MC: 5/2013-6/2014
H stated he was REALLY done: 4/2014
I moved out 7/6/14
H filed end of 8/2014 but still hasn't served me
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Zues126 Offline OP
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Makes sense Jacket. The grass ISN'T greener.

The funny part is that I easily could've been a WAH at some point. A wife with three children that resented my expectations and felt victimized and abused, who in turn withdrew and made her life about the kids...there was nothing in it for me. I felt like a single guy that payed 100% of my income in child support and wasn't allowed to date other women. And this lasted a couple of years.

But more than anything I wanted a healthy life long commitment. My W is a good woman, and I felt there had to be a way to make it work. And I couldn't see any road that lead me away from her that I wouldn't regret taking for the rest of my life. I decided I was going to stay with her no matter what, even if it was a troubled R. Of course, I didn't realize the extent of how I was making it a troubled R, I thought it was on her to change (grain of truth, but might she have changed if I had?). But I was going to stick it out.

But she wasn't. I'm torn about it. I'm grateful for the easing of the pain, the chance to work on myself. But I'm sad that my partner doesn't see the value of a LTR to the same degree, that instead of being by my side as I dealt with my demons and supporting me, and putting work in the M on her end, she would just pull the plug. But I can forgive. After all, we're many months from the D being finalized, this could work out for the best whether we get back together or not.

For you, all I can say is to make sure the reality is attractive. You can't compete with fantasy by promising fantasy. But you can make the reality very appealing. Stable, understanding, compassionate, supportive, but with boundaries and timelines that are fair and real as well. And don't dismiss his needs just because he's a bit crazy, validation is probably your secret weapon!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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