It is coming up on 2 years since I experienced my BD. I have pulled back from the boards, over the last several months. I am not exactly sure why, but I think it has a lot to do with giving up hope on my sitch. Lately, I have been feeling a lot better about myself, and I have been happier with life in general. One big exception to this is when W comes into the conversation topic, she texts, I see her, ETC. I am still struck with so many painful emotions. Therefore, I have almost completely shut down to her. I am very reluctant to answer her texts. I never answer her phone calls. I find it almost impossible to even acknowledge her existence when we are doing a parenting swap. Often, she will try to be cordial and make small talk about D. I find myself walking away, getting in the car and peeling away as quickly as possible, often not even exchanging a word with her. I just don't wish to engage her or be near her at all. But at the same time, I dearly miss my marriage, and I know deep down I still love my W very much. It is very conflicting for me emotionally. I am sure it comes off as absolute hatred towards wife. Perhaps that is what it is. I just don't know. I do however realize, that anything to do with Wife causes me pain, so I avoid it at all costs. I am sure a day will come when those feelings are softened, but right now that is where I am.
D is doing about the same, and she is still the light of my very existence. She is VERY busy, full of life and seems to be doing fair/okay emotionally during this process. She does have times where she is looking for past connections that our family once had, searching for photos with W,D and me in them, bringing up past experiences, that sort of thing. Other times, she will be very emotional and withdrawn. This happens in short spurts, where I will find her simply checking out and withdrawing for a short period of time, often during friend activities or when she is being corrected for something she has done or is doing (not punished). I assume that is something that may never change. It may have nothing to do with our divorce, or it may have everything to do with it. My gut feeling is, she is just wired this way. She will be beginning 2nd grade soon, and I am very excited to see how she progresses this year. I have continued her education with a tutor, who she worked with 2 days a week throughout summer. She struggled to stay focused last school year, and her teacher was concerned about her advancing. She is a very smart girl, but she has a difficult time staying on track. This summer found her in the swimming pool a LOT. She can SWIM! It took 3 shots at swimming lessons and a few years of working at it, but this summer she figured it out and she's off doing laps!
Personally, I have been on a positive page. I have been more upbeat and happy with my life, at least more so than I have been in the last couple of years. I have moved past that feeling of despair that I once had, and I realize that life hasn't ended. I have no new love interests, no new friends, but I am content and moving forward at my own pace. I am physically feeling better, down around 30 pounds and able to feel somewhat attractive again. My family and home have been my number one focus. It is TOUGH keeping everything up as a single Dad! I would really like to connect with someone and have that feeling of family togetherness again, but I am not sure I can go there. I am trying to kick start myself back into the dating mindset, but the whole idea of it is so discouraging for me. I don't even know how to do the whole courting/building interest thing. I never was very good at attracting women, flirting, dating, that sort of thing. I guess that makes it very hard to find love. I should probably work on that...haha
Anyway, I just wanted to reconnect with the boards, as I wish to start spending more of my time here again.....
It takes time my friend lots of it. Dont b soo hard on yourself. One day u will wake up and realize u were given a gift. Thats what i told myself thats how i went through this. Life is about to get better just wait
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I woke up to a bit of a shock this morning. I haven't seen a facebook post with wife in it for months and months and months, and I don't know why it popped up today.... but today I was surprised to see the engagement pictures with her in it. I can't say that it doesn't sadden me.....Oh well, I guess we should work on that divorce thing again...Life goes on...
Our divorce process is in complete limbo. It has been for a while. W is still wishing for it to be over, and she has expressed that to me via text numerous times. The catch is, she would like me to have my attorney write up the final paperwork. I literally ignore those texts, because I am no longer willing to throw money into a divorce that only W wanted. It turns out, attorneys don't work for free.
I have some additional thought on this. I am guessing, or at least hoping, if I continue to stall, W will possibly get tired of waiting for the "fortune" to land in her lap and more agreeably move on with her own life. She is now engaged, and with the amount of traveling they do and purchases they make, OM has some money to spend, at least for the time being. W on the other hand is broke. She is no longer working, and apparently returning to school. I am wondering if anyone has any input on how, or even if I should, continue with the divorce process. Am I better off waiting her out, in hopes of settling for a lesser amount, or should I just pay for the final paperwork and pay her off? The child support has already been established, as well as out parenting plan. The only thing left on the table is her settlement money......I haven't been putting much thought into this lately, but with her new engagement to OM, it seems that the clock is ticking and possibly this could work in my best interest.
I know this varies State to State and I do not have any idea of the rules internationally.
When my divorce became final the settlement X received was derived from a formula; half the debit, half the assets. How that was structured could be tweaked, but the net amount was pretty much fixed. Spousal support also figured in, but there was some flexibility there, about 5%. She decreased her entitlement by 5% as an inducement to move forward, but it was still up to the judge hearing the case to make it so.
In my state child support and spousal support is an either or in most cases, at least that is what my attorney told me. With grown children it wasn’t something I concentrated on.
I don’t see settlement gain from delaying and renegotiating. This is based on my experiences and advice I received. Perhaps it is different where you live.
From the onset I told X divorce was not something I wished for and was not willing to support. She did all of the pushing. I did not drag my feet when asked to produce information. I used the philosophy from here of not opposing and not helping the process. If this was something she wanted then she was to work for it. I do not believe in delivering ultimatums as I neither wish to control or be controlled by them.
As you have filed was your wife not required to counter file? If you no longer wish to continue with your suit what does your L suggest?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Our divorce process is in complete limbo. It has been for a while. W is still wishing for it to be over, and she has expressed that to me via text numerous times. The catch is, she would like me to have my attorney write up the final paperwork. I literally ignore those texts, because I am no longer willing to throw money into a divorce that only W wanted. It turns out, attorneys don't work for free.
These expectations don't seem unrealistic by her. Based off your signature.. it was you that filed for D. Makes sense that you do the work.. no?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I have not spoke with my attorney in months. I guess it would be in my best interest to set up an appointment. I have FINALLY got my attorney paid up to date.
That makes sense, Valeska. I did file, based solely on the fact that W had moved on and was living life as a single person, and she expressed over and over that she was done and never coming back. I filed, most likely out of hurt that I redirected into anger. With that said, I see your point. She probably does feel that it is my responsibility to carry through. She no longer has an attorney, and I am sure she is busy with school, new friends and planning a future with OM. In my mind, I kept thinking the farther away we become and the more time that elapses, perhaps the less she would pursue a payoff.
Perhaps not the appropriate word to use. I meant a settlement.
I was faced with some very sad news today. My Mother has been battling with illness, heart, liver and now kidney. She's been through a lot in the past 5 years, but always bounces back. It seems that her body is shutting down now. I was visiting her today, when her doctor came into the hospital room and gave my sister and I the hardest of the hard talks. We will be arranging to bring her home, where she can be at peace with family. I have so many emotions, so much pain. Life doesn't seem to be getting better, but I won't allow it to break me. Prayers requested for my Mother. Thank you
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
