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#2314760 01/14/13 10:12 PM
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I've been following the DR program, but especially for the infidelity when they won't end the affair.

Short story. Husband asked for divorce, what seemed a bit out of the blue. Sure we were in a rut...but D?! Then he confessed an affair. "I love you, but not in love with you. You were distant, not affectionate" While he didn't blame me for his affair, he clearly stated his problems with me. He was dead set on divorcing me. I wanted to see if we could save it. That was 7, 8 weeks ago.

I ordered DR and started implimenting the 180s 5 weeks ago. While I did get my own life, I also had to look at his complaints as some of them would be most people's normal 180s. I didn't start conversations, I listened intently when he spoke, I didn't react from anger, I detached from his crazy rants and actions. He began to sleep on the couch, no more affection towards me, no more I love you's, was actively romancing OW. We still ML on occasion, but he would withdraw and get upset afterwards. He was intent on never loving me again.

Last week we mutually decided he should move out for 2 weeks, during the week. I decided on weekends I would stay with friends so he could be with the kids. I felt relief. Friday he came home and I was making dinner and he asked me to stay, because he missed me. He was affectionate and told me he loved me. We had a great weekend, we ML each day & he didn't get upset after, he slept in our bed, he talked about our future and said he was falling in love with me again. Sunday night he asked if I wanted him to leave. I said not today, let's just take this one day at a time.

So here I am, just praying for the patience to continue with this since he hasn't told me he has cutoff the OW. Remembering to keep in the moment, working on me each day. Not to be too excited..but this has lasted 3 days in a row. Michelle is right, there are days you question your sanity. Today is one. Should I be sleeping with him? He is still in contact with OW?!? But by doing this work on myself, I am stronger, more confident than I was 5 weeks ago!! I know I will be fine either way, with or without him! And my husband who was SURE he was going to divorce me, he sleeping in our bed, telling me he loves me. For today, I will continue.


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Tallula #2424452 01/20/14 05:27 PM
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Our stories are similar and find comfort that by applying the 180's you have been able to to make yourself stronger and in the process bring him closer. Kudos!!

I have not been physical with my husband since I found out about the A, and I am in the process of reading and applying the DR steps.

Yesterday, he had a breakdown and told me "he never meant to hurt me" and "he really thought I was the one", and "does not understand how he's made a mess of his life"..he is in a clinical depression and I believe is hanging on to the OW cause she makes him feel "up" and "happy" right now. He has trouble controlling his emotions and focusing. Might be cause he is depressed or maybe he's realizing the consequences of his mistake. Either way, I take it as a little victory that he may come around..

In the meantime, like you, I am working on me, touching base with old friends, exercising, keeping busy reading, walking, whatever!! Some days are better than others, but I am still having trouble distancing myself emotionally from him..

Can i ask, have you applied the LRT method yet? I feel that by him staying in the house and me, still doing the day to day for him (cooking, making lunches, etc..) , I am just enabling him and not taking care of me! Although leaving the house is not an option, how do you manage to apply the 180's while still living together and knowing he still sees the OW?


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


TipAnna #2426773 01/29/14 08:24 PM
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Wow--two others who have hope after h refuses to end the affair? Clearly I need to read this book!!! Going to get a copy. Feeling scared.


Me 43 H 43
Married 18 years
Together 21 years
Two kids, 15 and 13
BD 11/14/13 (but not asking for divorce - just informing me of OW)
PortiaM #2465388 07/02/14 10:17 AM
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You should, it is a great


Me: 35
Her: 33
D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014
OM Confirmed 7/2014
She filed 8/7/2014
I Filed 10/21/2014
Divorce final 2/12/2015
BigMac #2478451 08/13/14 05:50 AM
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Hello, this is my first time writing, but I have been following along for the past few weeks. This site has been my saviour. About 6 weeks ago, I found out that my husband of nearly 30 years has been cheating on me for the past 6 months. I was absolutely devastated. While I will admit that our marriage may have become pretty routine after so many years, I never thought we had reached a point in which he would become unfaithful. We have 2 children - 16 year old son; 20 year old daughter. Our sex life was still pretty good, or so I thought, for a couple in their 50's and approaching 30 years of marriage. I do believe that this affair is a result of my husband's MLC as he is exhibiting textbook MLC behavior -- bought a new sport's car a few months back, is having serious financial concerns, is very stressed and concerned about his career and the choices he has made professionally and his future, lost his best friend to cancer at about the same time the affair began. I will admit that I began to get suspicious several months ago when I started to notice the classic signs -- he paid more attention to his appearance, lost weight, started to exercise more, grew a beard and bought new casual clothes (which he hadn't done in years, despite my asking), and bought a car which I was opposed to. He was also working very late hours and home less often. He had always been a very attentive father, but had been less so for several months. I mentioned this to him on occasion, but he claimed it was because our children were older and didn't need him as much -- I didn't buy it. I also found that he was less interested in sex as time wore on and that his libido was pretty low. I tried to attribute that to his age. So that's the background. I learned of the affair over the course of a few weeks, starting with many lies and denials on his part, until he finally admitted that there is another woman. Initially he claimed that she was unimportant and just someone "fun" to be with -- "a distraction". He claims that he is under a great deal of stress and that she likes to do things that I do not like to do. Initially he said the classic lines "we don't have much in common any more", "maybe we aren't in love any longer". We met as high school sweethearts, and now he thinks that perhaps we should have dated other people first. All of these comments were so painful to me and I believe they are part of his MLC. A few weeks have passed since he made these comments and things have gotten much better since then. Oddly enough, despite the incredible pain of finding out about the OW, I do think it helped. My husband is much closer to me and to my children now. He is spending more and more time with us now and seems happy to do so. Perhaps it is a load off of him to not be living the lie, or at least not as much. However, he is still seeing the OW, although probably not as much. We speak fairly openly about this, and I have expressed my deep unhappiness about the situation, but also my sincere commitment to get through this rough patch together. I am committed to getting through this and I believe he is too. We have had many discussions about things which have gone wrong in our marriage over the past several years, the rut that a marriage can fall into and I now think that we may look back on this (some day) and think it gave our marriage a kick in the pants, if you will. At least that is my hope. However, for now, I am on this crazy roller coaster ride where I feel pretty good on some days and sad as hell, like I want to get off the ride, the next day. I would love some feedback on the issue of having sex with my husband who is still seeing the OW. For the past couple of weeks my husband and I have been talking more and more, and getting closer and closer, which has led to us having the best sex we have probably ever had -- and often! It seems pretty insane and I am terribly confused. It feels so right at the moment, but the next day, I ask myself why I am doing this? He has not ended his affair. Intellectually, I feel that I should not allow him to come near me, so long as he is still involved with the OW. But emotionally it feels so right. I truly believe it is pulling us closer and closer and he feels this is true as well. The sex seems to be rekindling the love we have for each other. He has told me that he "we will be okay", that "everything will work out", but that he just needs time to end the affair. I have read a bit about this, about how it is difficult for some people to end their affairs, but I still don't get it. It is causing me so much pain, that I cannot understand how he can continue to do this to me. His answer is that "she is a distraction from the pain he is enduring from MLC". He claims that he is not in love with her, but at the same time, he is "in a relationship" with her and that he cannot simply end it overnight. He says it will take time and that he cannot give me an exact date, as much as he knows I would like one. He doesn't think it will take months, or perhaps even weeks, but he still cannot say for sure. Our 30th anniversary is 1 month away. The countdown is ticking in my head. And the pain in unbearable. Would love your thoughts.

brokenW #2479994 08/17/14 01:48 PM
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Hey, I'm sorry you're here. You should be posting in newcomers and you'll get more responses. Copy & paste into your new thread is fine. Could you also break your story into paragraphs to make it easier to read?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2481052 08/20/14 10:59 AM
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Thank you so much for your help Maybell. I will take your suggestion and move my posting to newcomers. I hope things have gotten better for you.


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