How HER crisis changed ME

[tadpole1025]

Let's be honest here. BOTH of you contributed to the downfall of your M. While you are not responsible for her A, you had a hand in it's demise.

You're right. I've never denied that. There is a lot I could have done better/differently, but like you said, she is responsible for the A, plus all the lies she has told and all of the hurtful things she has said and done.

Your kids deserve to not feel uncomfortable to have their mom and dad together in the same area.

Which is exactly why I chose no contact at all. It's best for me and them.

Tad

[ericmsant2]

Which is exactly why I chose no contact at all. It's best for me and them.

I get this ^^^ Tad....

Although a good working R is best for the kids. A good working R requires TWO people.

[MrBond]

"Which is exactly why I chose no contact at all. It's best for me and them."

Avoidance isn't dealing with it. Look, it's your choice, but I will tell you that once you learn to forgive and release everything, a HUGE weight will be lifted off your shoulders. You will actually start to see the good side of things and start to be more optimistic.

If you choose to live in the shadows, then nothing gets healed. It festers, grows and consumes you like a cancer. That's what anger and resentment does.

If you want to live like that, the choice is yours.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I'm assuming that she meant she regrets that she got caught....I don't know.

Yes assuming. Its a horrible thing to do even with people who get along.

So S28 told me yesterday that after XW left S21's concert the other night, she made a few comments to him about how I "ignored her all night."

WTF?

Why is your son feeding you this information? Does he not like you?

More importantly, why are her words affecting you to this degree?

You want to NOT be her friend. I get that and if my path had gone that way, I wouldn't have been friends or friendly with my wife. HOWEVER, you are too tied and too invested in her to not be her friend/enemy/or stalker.

What you want Tad requires you to become indifferent to her and not care...not care about the bad, and harder still not care about the good.

Please give credence to Bond. Actually put some thought into what he is saying Tad.

[AJM]

It's a tough one to be sure. I can honestly say that I choose not to talk to my ex either. Rather, not to seek her out and talk to her. In time, I doubt I'll have even that barrier.

Are the wounds deep. Of course. Does that matter? No. That was yesterday. Or in some cases, continuing. I don't know about you, Tad, but I find that it works for me to not talk to my ex. I am friendly, to the point, and answer legitimate questions as they arise. But after years of abuse from her and her husband, I'm not sold on the idea of one person being able to have a conversation, however polite. That's not about me - that's just how I choose to deal with it for now until I can find a different way. I can say I've tried to have a co-parenting relationship. That's just not possible if I'm the only one that is willing to find a way. Is that how it is in your case or are you the one holding things back for your own reasons?

But to be honest, it's difficult to keep going back for more abuse until you have finished working on you, Tad. I suspect that's a better way to handle it for now - focusing on you.

My $0.02,

AJ

[Mighty]

Hey guys. All that ^^^^^^ discussion... hitting close to home. I don't know. I have no reason to go out of my way to talk to xh. At least, that's how I feel. This was his choice. Not mine. His decisions have caused our current sitch. Yup, I had part in what our r had become. But I will be damned if I say that I played a role in the demise of it. I would have done anything to, at least, work on it. Not just walk out without warning. Never. Not go to someone else and work on a new r. Nope. Not ever.

I guess I am sharing this because I really get what Tad is saying. It makes sense to me. I feel like all the effort was put into ending the r by my x. If he so inclined to have a r or whatever now, it would be up to him to put the effort forth to establish that, too. As far as I'm concerned, he wanted this. This is what he said he wanted. I let him go. I am here. I have never closed the door to a discussion or conversation. Why should I put effort when it is clear to me that I don't need to.

Maybe I sound resentful. I'm ok with it. I am not mean to him. I would rather keep it at zero. Any doing in either direction will not be initiated by me. Doesn't mean it will stay like this, but it will unless he makes a change in the dynamic.

No hijack intended, Tad. I guess it struck a chord with me. Ok, but I guess I hijacked anyway.

Rock out with your kids. I love it. I think kids tell us things because they feel safe talking to us. And because I think they are confused, so they look to us to see our reaction or clarity. Just bouncing things off of us, I guess.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

But I will be damned if I say that I played a role in the demise of it.

I don't know your entire situation Mighty, so please don't take this the wrong way.

Everyone here had some sort of effect that helped the demise of their marriage. The idea is to figure out what that was and NEVER repeat it in any future relationship.

[MrBond]

"But I will be damned if I say that I played a role in the demise of it."

Everyone plays a part in the demise of their M. Not taking responsibility for your own part is why many people can't save their M.

[Mighty]

Jack and MrBond. I totally respect what you are saying. I really feel that I had a lot to do with where my r was. A lot. I have taken much accountability and continue to do so. However, by demise, I mean, I did not take the place where we were and throw it out carelessly. The r was soooo able to be saved and I would have done anything to make that happen. To me, demise means walking away and leaving beyond repair or effort to repair.

I am accountable for my actions that led to dissatisfaction in my r. Demise takes it to a whole new level. Throwing it away without a conversation... I wouldn't have done that.

Demise to me, means death. Walking out on your marriage without putting any thought or effort into it is killing it. We weren't perfect, and I sure wasn't. But overall, it was a good marriage. One worth saving.

I am not trying to argue semantics nor come across as better than my xh. I just know it was something worth saving, not killing.

[AJM]

Not just walk out without warning. Never. Not go to someone else and work on a new r. Nope. Not ever.

I guess I am sharing this because I really get what Tad is saying. It makes sense to me. I feel like all the effort was put into ending the r by my x.

This is still part of the discussion as far as I can see.

The thing is Mighty, there are two different things going on and being said. You (like all of us) had a part in the demise of the relationship. Whether 1% or 99% or somewhere in between.

In the demise.

In how it ended? No. That was their choice in HOW to end it.

Your values are such that you wouldn't have walked away. Many of us here share those values. Your ex? Not so much. In the grand scheme of things, he choose something else. As did Tad's ex. As did mine. As did...

What's happened, happened. The question is what you'll do about it now. Or in the future. What I was trying to convey is that it takes two. Somebody has to be able to reach out.

When that somebody is ready and not before. Why? Because the kids. Because nobody needs to still hold on to the junk that transpired.

Now may not be the time, Mighty. Tad. (me). But at some point, you'll need to release it all and put it in perspective. To take the things worth learning from this point in time and incorporate those things into your life. When you do, you'll be able to not be affected by your ex. To be in the same room with them REGARDLESS of what they may say or do.

Now may not be the time for that. It may not happen for years.

But at some point, you'll need to let it go. Even let the hurts go. It's harder when the ex tries to inflict hate and discontent on you. I live that; I know how it can be. While that is going on, it may not be the time for letting it go together, but it is certainly the time to let it go for YOU.

You really don't need them to be complicity in letting it go and NOT being affected by their actions. For now, it might mean keeping your distance emotionally and physically. But things change over time... Something to think about.

AJ