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"It just bothers me I think because even though my life is getting better, it is still not where I want it to be. Her life? Her life = wine and roses."

No I get that. The point is that you still have a lingering..."oh woe is me, my life [censored]" attitude and believe that life her her is perfect.

While she probably doesn't admit it to you, I bet it's not that easy for her also. But that resentment keeps festering under the surface for you. And if you don't treat it in a healthy way, I'm afraid it's going to just explode. It's happened more times than I care to think of here and other places.

Just extremely concerned. I've seen how your misery has eaten you alive.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Tad, I do hope you won't see this as people 'ganging up ' on you, but I do second Mr Bond. You are not the only poster here whose problems run deeper than the whole MLC situation that we all find ourselves dealing with.

Grief at the loss of a cherished relationship is normal, difficulty in moving on is normal.You appear to remain mildly obsessed with what your xw is doing, which after such a length of time, is less good for you. And the fact that your sons do not want to move out isn't good either - family affection is one thing, unmarried sons living at home for years? Who is benefiting from this?

Add to this the loss of your mother, and a period of unemployment - well you have had a lot on your plate.

I had therapy, and it helped me to deal with the loss of my spouse, and also sort out other things in my life. I occasionally check in with him if there is something I am stuck on. The benefits of therapy are on-going. After finishing a course, the changes remain beneficial

It takes courage to enter therapy - and a good therapist recognises this.

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Thanks Bea and MrBond.

MrBond - I won't lie. I do have some resentment. It's better than it was, but it is still there....

Quote:
You are not the only poster here whose problems run deeper than the whole MLC situation that we all find ourselves dealing with.


?

Do you think that I think my sitch is worse than others? I don't and hope that you don't think I do.

Therapy is happening soon.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Quote:
Do you think that I think my sitch is worse than others? I don't and hope that you don't think I do.


Tad, that is not what I said, if you re-read my quote - it is that you, and quite a few other posters here appear to have problems in addition to dealing with MLC. Dealing with those problems will help you to feel better generally, imho

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Tad,

In the time I've been on the boards, I see some similarities in how you and I react to this journey.

For me, what I've learned...especially in the past six months...is that some of us come to this point in our lives with past rejections/abandonment issues/hurts that were never dealt with...When we are rejected, again, by our spouses...we may have looked to them--these very troubled, broken people as our salvation after being hurt in the past so deeply. I did.

After my dad's MLC and some other bad stuff in my childhood...I looked to Smokey as proof that I was still lovable, that men COULD be trusted...he became my HOME...HE was the anchor in my life because I never was able to do that for myself. I put that on his shoulders...he was home, my God, my source of everything.

When he left, I was stripped of all I believed in.

Chapter 2

I've had to take a hard look at all the stuff in my life that contributed to my making Smokey the end all and the be all. I've needed to forgive myself for my insecurities and human defects. I came by all of these qualities honestly.

I had some terrible, terrible experiences in my past that made me the person who believed I NEEDED someone like Smokey to fill the gaps. He was like the putty I used to fill up any broken/cracking walls in my foundation. And, sometimes, he WAS my foundation.

This process takes as long as it takes. I think the more pain we have to face from our past experiences, before the marriage, contributes to the length of time it takes us to recover.

It's kinda like, in my mind...say you have heart disease for your whole life...And, it's never really dealt with effectively. Then, mid-life, even though you may THINK you have handled the disease well...you end up having a heart attack at 45. A terrible, horrible, nearly fatal heart-attack...

All that heart disease from your childhood onwards will contribute to the time it takes you to recover. Someone who has a heart attack at 45, but has NO previous heart problems, will recover more quickly...for YOU, however, you may have to work harder to repair the damage and do some more exploratory surgery to figure out what the source of the problem really is...

You can do this. But, I think some guidance would be helpful.

Don't beat yourself up. You have survived some truly awful circumstances and you ARE RECOVERING!!! I think people react normally to abnormal situations in the best way they are able based on their past experiences in life.

For me, reading Susan Anderson's books/workbooks on abandonment, DB-ing with the people who surround me now--like my mom, family--kids, re-reading co-dependency no more, finding a strong, daily presence of God in my life, venting/sorting through feelings here...that's what has given me strength to recover.

Only YOU know what will work for YOU. Be kind to yourself. I'm sure you have good reasons for handling things the way you have. Give yourself an ATTA BOY for the new job and the new wonderful life awaiting you and don't get stuck in the woulda, coulda, shoulda's.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Ug....thanks all.

Yes, I do have other issues I guess.....abandonement issues. I talked to a friend of mine today. He's done some counseling in the past. We spent a lot of time together and basically he had me tell everything from the beginning OF MY LIFE. Lois, I can relate to some of what you posted. I'll try to explain and write it all out...the way I told my friend today. My friend thinks I have abandonment issues. It seems like I've been dealing with it from the beginning....either abandoned, or dumped. It is going to probably look like I had a terrible mother, but she really wasn't. But....it is what it is. Anyways, I'll pour it out right here:

* 1967 (I was 1 week old)
My parents both worked in the same pet hospital. When I was a week old, my mom went back to work and they both worked 12-14 hour days. My grandmother babysat. I spent the majority of my time with her. She is the reason that I'm left-handed because she taught me to write. I took my first steps to her and spoke my first words to her. She taught me to ride a bike without training wheels. She raised me and she was the one that I bonded with. Nothing against my mom....it just happened.

* 1971 (4 years old)
My mom left my dad and ran off with a guy that would later become my stepdad. My mom disappeared for 8 weeks and left me and my older brother at my grandmother's. Nobody knew where my mom was and my poor dad didn't have a clue and thought that she had been kidnapped. She later returned.

* 1972 (5 years old)
My mom files for divorce from my dad and runs off to California and marries "Bob." My bother and I go with her. I can remember crying for my grandmother a lot. My older brother would crawl in bed with me at night so I would stop crying. I always liked "Bob" but always felt inferior because he used to tell me all the time that I couldn't do anything right and was "uncoordinated" because I was left-handed. My mom gives birth to my younger brother. Older brother and I are kind of pushed aside. There was a new baby.

* 1974 (7 years old)
We come back to Phoenix and stay with my grandmother. We are with her for a few months until I'm thrown on a plane and headed to Germany. (Bob was military) Again, and looking back, I'm sure I felt like my grandmother was being taken away from me again. I hated it. We spent three long years there.

* 1977 (10 years old)
We arrive back in Phoenix. We are there for a few months before getting wisked off again for California. I would have been happy just staying with my grandmother and she even asked mom to let me, but mom said no.

* 1978 (11 years old)
My mom gets a phone call from my grandmother and finds out that the dog that I grew up with ("Katie") had died. Katie was a dog that my parents got shortly before I was born and also ended up being dumped on my grandmother. This was my first experience with death and I can remember crying for like 2 or 3 days.

* 1980 (12 years old)
We move back to Phoenix and my mom and stepdad get a place with my grandparents. That was fine with me. Mom and I started to get close, my grandmother was there. Things were good.

* 1981 (13 years old)
"Bob" gets orders for Germany again. This time, I was not invited. Bob, my mom and younger brother went. My older brother and I were left with my grandmother. Although that was fine, I was hurt by this because mom and I were getting close and she would be gone for three years.

* 1982 (14 years old)
Around this time, I'm a teenaged boy and am wanting to get to know my real dad. We weren't really close at all, because I was either at grandmother's, Germany or California. I start spending time with him and I eventually move in with him and my stepmom. This was great for a while. But....I had two brothers: older one was at my grandmother's and the younger one was in Germany. I felt kind of lonely. Everyone was so spread out.

* 1984 (16 years old)
By this time I felt like I was sort orf wearing out my welcome at my dad's and stepmom's. Mom was back from Germany, but in California. She says I can come stay with her so, I move back to California. I meet XW and we fall madly in love.

* 1985 (17 years old)
XW and I get married right out of high school and move back to Phoenix. By February 1986, we had our first kid. I was 18.

* 1986 - 2000 (Smooth sailing)
I start my radio career, I make it big, we have three more kids, things are good.

* 2001 (33 years old)
My beloved grandmother is diagnosed with breast cancer and passes fairly quickly after it spreads to her brain. I won't lie, this just about killed me. I must have grieved for 2-3 years. It taught me a lot about death and I became really close to God. Kind of a weird/dark/enlightening time all at the same time.

* 2005 (38 years old)
I had a really good radio buddy - "H.G." He was my mentor/idol/father figure all in one. I was a disc jockey, but he was the one that taught me how to be a "country" disc jockey. He gave me my very first belt buckle. We talked every single day. I would listen to his old radio stories and he would give me advice. He did traffic for the afternoon show and I was the evening dj. So, I would get to the station around 5, he would leave at 6:30 and I would go on the air at 7. One night in May, I'm sitting in my office getting ready to go on the air and I see H.G. walking in the parking lot towards his car. I remember thinking to myself: "I didn't get to talk to H.G. today." I didn't talk to him because I had a cold. When disc jockey's catch colds, they avoid each other like the plague because you don't want the entire airstaff getting sick. It was kind of an unwritten rule. The next morning at about 4:30, I get a call from my boss and he tells me that H.G. got up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water and had a severe heart attack and passed away. I've always felt bad because I never got to tell him goodbye and didn't say a word to him during his last day alive.

* 2008 (41 years old)
My younger brother kills himself. He lived just ten minutes from me. Always have wished he would have called me. He was in his apartment arguing with his girlfriend. After she left, he wrote a goodbye message on the bathroom door to his kids, took off his clothes, grabbed a belt, turned on the shower and hung himself.

* 2010 (43 years old)
Good old 2010.....I think we all know what happened this year. I won't go into it....it's on the boards. MLC for XW, an OM, divorced in 2011. I start to get close to mom again because of everything going on with XW. Mom helped the boys and I a lot and helped with bills and kept food on the table.

* 2014 (46 years old)
After being diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer the previous May, mom passes in January.

Telling it like this to my friend and actually seeing it written out, I think that XW was the only thing stable in my life. Like you Lois, XW was the foundation that I never had previously. It also seems like I've been dumped my entire life except for the years I was with XW. Hope that makes some sort of sense....

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Hey Tad. Glad to hear things are improving.

While I see improvement, I agree with the others that you should seek out counseling. I think it would be helpful.

I also see the sadness/resignation, but I see that as part of the process for you. I also see something else - perhaps you put your ex in a place in your life that she should not have been. i.e. you wanted her to fulfill something she could not. You have needs as do all of us, but that can cause a lot of issues over the years, right?

I do see you progressing, but as has been alluded to, that may be hindered by the other issues to deal with. Talking to a therapist may help with that transition.

It's easier to see from this perspective than when you're living it, no?

Glad the job is working out and you're enjoying it. I'm also glad you're thinking of the future and other areas of your life.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Hey Tad. Sorry that you feel as you do.

I can certainly understand why you felt abandoned. The thing about that is that while it feels like it was personal, it really was about the other person. Doesnt change how you feel to know that, I know.

I agree with AJ, you may have put your wife in a place that was awfully big for someone so young. Not your fault, it wasnt intentional.

I do hope you find a therapist that can help you through this. It may take a few tries, but it is so worth it.

While it is absolutely imperative to figure out how you got to where you are, it is also necessary to let go of what you can.

Everyone does the best they can at the time. Had they known better, the hope is that they would have done better.

The important thing for you now is that you realize that you have a second chance here, Tad.

You have a job you like, you will be getting on your feet a bit financially. Hopefully some of your sons will start to find their way.

You can decide what you want your life to look like. I am excited for you, my friend.

Please dont let what happened with your marriage define your life. You get to do that.

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Hi Tad, I feel for you Buddy, Yes, get a good counsellor to help you try to come to terms with your life. I believe I’m pretty good at getting an angle on human psychology. I’ve always felt there was something lurking in your background. I hope that you also learn to use good discernment. For many years now, I believe I’ve had good empathy and understanding.

Often sometimes with rejection and abandonment, insecurity comes along. The previous line is what I suffered with for over 40 years. I also suffered with untreated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I can’t remember the day that the goalposts moved in my house, but I know I was just aged 4. Good news for me was that my Mother remembers everything that was said and done on this very bad day. Just to say that my Dad started to suffer with Manic depression (it’s called Bi-Polar now).

I’ve had many years of counselling, 8 years with the same woman, and I must have worn her out! She had to give up counselling for personal reasons.
It was a slow process for me, and also perhaps because it was Person Centred Counselling.

Since I was young, I knew that I had deep hurts, but I didn’t know just how bad these were until just before my wife left us. Then it was a double whammy, I nearly died with the mental anguish.

With good counselling you should be able to get good discernment, to know what makes a good and healthy relationship. Especially so for finding a life partner and other people you can trust.

So my family was at times dysfunctional. Back in the day and if I was a well balanced person, I would not have got involved with my wife! Not for long anyway. There were quite a few red flags before we got married, but I thought at the time ‘Well we all grow up’ What a big mistake!

So now Tad, can you see any red flags that were in your relationship with your ex wife?

Love
Delboy



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Tad sounds like you may be dealing with a bout of depression. Is there a counselor that has weekend hrs in your area?


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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