Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
#2479957 08/17/14 11:30 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
Hello everyone. I thought that it was time to start a new thread.

My previous thread is here:

My Happy Thread!!!

I feel like my time on this board will be coming to an end soon simply because there really isn't much happening anymore as far as my sitch or with me is concerned. I'll hang around for a little while, but again, my sitch has gotten to the point where nothing really changes anymore.

I'm coming up on four years since bomb drop. Four frickin years! On 10/10/10, I got the pleasure of hearing the famous ILYBINILWY speech. Everyone on this board preaches about how long an MLC lasts...a very long time. But I also think that the time for the LBS to heal takes just as long if not longer...and by heal, I mean completely heal....if that is even possible. Sometimes I wonder.

Anyways, I got to thinking the other night about how much I have changed since this all began.

Everyone knows how their MLC spouse has changed. I've witnessed mine completely change.....taste in music, men (obviously), food, beliefs/values....watched her become the mother that she never wanted to become. They've all changed into people that we do not know. That's why we are all here.

But.....I wanted to start a thread about how their crisis has changed US. I've noticed many changes in me since XW's crisis and was wondering if others have experienced the same. I thought that this might be a good conversation to get started. I'm not sure if it can all be blamed on her crisis or if some of it has to do with some of the other stuff I've been through: death of mom, brother, career....

As for my changes, some are good, some are probably bad and some are just ridiculous and make no sense at all. But....they are changes and they are me.

As I said, some make no sense.

Just a few observations:

* I'm better with money than I've ever been. I can make a budget and pretty much stick to it. I waste less than I used to. If it is something I don't actually NEED, I will usually pass.

* I find it hard to trust anybody. Maybe someday I'll be able to trust again, but as of now, I have a hard time with it.

* I'm a better father. Not that I was bad before, I'm just better. We talk more.

* I'm not sure if I want another relationship, but I know if I'm ever in another one, I'll be much better at it. This crisis has taught me a lot. I know what I could have/should have done better in my marriage.

* Women...Ug. Women. I see women on tv all the time that I find attractive....Sofia Vergara, Mila Kunis, Morena Baccarin, Lea Michele...(yes, I love brunettes).....but those women are celebrities and really aren't real to me. As for women in my everyday life, I have a hard time finding any of them attractive. I'm not saying that they aren't attractive, I'm sure they are, but they aren't attractive to me. I wonder sometimes if I'm damaged goods.

* I'm more appreciative of things: my job, my relationships with my sons, my apartment....things I would have taken for granted in the past.

* This is a weird one that makes no sense and may make some of you shake your heads. I'm more compassionate towards animals. Sure, that is a good thing but, it is a little extreme. The other night I was watching a cooking show and had to turn it off because the lady was cooking a live lobster....she was messing with it and I felt bad for it. I can no longer watch the "cruelty" commercials anymore. They have always bothered me.....now they REALLY bother me. I used to love to fish. I won't do it anymore. I won't even kill an insect. Seriously. A few nights ago at work, there was a Tarantula in the hallway. Everyone freaked out. I picked it up and walked it to a desert area nearby.

* I'll no longer watch sad movies and don't find the funny ones as funny as I probably should.

* Music....it's always been a big part of my life and still is but, the stuff I tend to listen to nowadays is a little darker/harder/heavier. I don't have time or the energy for the sappy stuff.

* I used to love pets, but would never get too attached to them. I currently have two rats and am extremely attached to them. Too attached I'm sure. Funny thing is, I used to hate rodents. I get upset when I see rat traps. I mean it really bothers me.

* Lately, I've been feeling really bad for XW. Even with all the pain that she has caused, if she truly is having a crisis and truly is experiencing all of the things that I've read about on this site, I truly feel bad for her.....I guess, I'm starting to have a little compassion for her. A LITTLE bit.

* I look toward the future a little more than I used to. I know what I want and know where I want to be.

* I don't let people walk on me anymore. It used to be, XW would complain how I never stood up for myself. She was right about that too. Now, people don't get away with it and if I have something to say, I say it. If they don't like it, too bad.

Anyways, these are just a few things about myself that I have noticed.

Anybody else experience something like this? Am I the only weird one here?

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
Tad,

I haven't posted to you before, but I have read your threads here.

Your story tugs at my heart. I'm so happy for you to have become the man you are today. Your changes are what they are. Personally, I may not categorize them as either good or bad. They are simply what you needed to do then, or need to do now, based on the lessons learned.

I think your growth, all around, is admirable. You didn't just check-out. You struggled, and you came through.

Although things are in a holding pattern for you now, you have the inner peace of looking back at all you have gained. That's wonderful.

Thank you for sharing. I can learn a lot from you.

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
"I feel like my time on this board will be coming to an end soon simply because there really isn't much happening anymore as far as my sitch or with me is concerned. I'll hang around for a little while, but again, my sitch has gotten to the point where nothing really changes anymore."

Seriously? Have you actually read what you wrote in that long list? Tad, you need help more than ever.

If you want to stop posting, that's your choice, however many of us here have been there since the beginning and would still like to help you heal.

You haven't been to a therapist yet, so I strongly urge you to take that list of problems you have listed and write down what you plan to do about each one. You're definitely not in a healthy place right now.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
Thank you Shining and MrBond.

Shining - that was a very nice post. Thank you. smile

MrBond - what I meant was.....my sitch doesn't change much anymore. So, there really isn't a reason to post much. Therapist? My work schedule is getting changed next week. (Still on "new guy" schedule.) Once I get a permanent one, I'll be able to decide when to go.

Quote:
I strongly urge you to take that list of problems you have listed and write down what you plan to do about each one.


These aren't a "list of problems." This was a list of changes that I've noticed in myself. Sure, some of them aren't the best changes, but some of them are good. I don't consider them to be problems. I was just listing changes and was wondering if anyone else has noticed changes in themselves.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
Tad you sound sad in your post of changes.
Are you GAL?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
Hey there 2BHappy.

I wasn't feeling sad at the time.....

GAL?

Not really. Been working a lot which is more than I've done in a long time. I'm going out next week after payday. Not sure what I am doing, but I've made up my mind to do SOMETHING.....

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 528
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 528
Tad. I have read parts of your story but certainly don't know you like some of the others but did sense a little sadness or maybe resignation in your post.

I don't think it is possible to be through a traumatic experience and not be changed and someone who says that they are not is probably in denial.

Many of your changes seem very positive... better relationship with your sons, better relationship with money, standing up for yourself more.

I don't think the animal thing is weird at all. As you gain compassion for people around you and for yourself it is natural to spill over. I find myself tearing up much more when I hear stories about cruelty to people and animals. For me it is a stronger recognition of the interconnectedness of everything.

There are other things on the list you may choose to pursue and change more. Like being able to trust people. For me making the time to see a therapist has been one of the smartest things that I have done.

You said you look forward to the future and see where you want to be. That feels good doesn't it? And only comes from honestly looking back as you have.


Me 44 H 42
M 10 T 12 (at time of BD)
Ss 20 16
S11 (special needs)

BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom
10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied
S and I move out 3/15
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
Thanks Juliegayle.

Maybe it was a little resignation and maybe even sadness too. I don't know. I do know that this whole thing has changed me a lot. It has changed me in ways that I never expected. A perfect example is the animal thing.

As for my future, I'd like to get my own place and start living my life. The big problem right now is motivating my boys. They have jobs.....but.....they don't seem to want to get on with their lives. Hate to say it but....as much as I like having them with me, sometimes I think that they are holding me back a little. My oldest is 28 for crying out loud. My youngest will be 20 in December. All of them are still at home. You would think that they'd want to get their own places...

Kind of hard to explain...

Thanks for posting.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
"These aren't a "list of problems." This was a list of changes that I've noticed in myself."

I strongly disagree. While a few of them are positive, many are problems that a healthy individual doesn't experience. Like your close attachments to your rats while you were having a hard time relating to your sons before. Or like the post just the other day about your W wanting to "hang out" with your son. You scoffed at that when in fact, he is her son. Those issues and many others haven't been resolved.

Plus the fact that you haven't really decided to go to therapy, leads me to think you are planning to sweep things under the rug. For you, that doesn't work. Bad times in life ALWAYS happen. In your case, I don't think you've fully dealt with the ones from the past fully.

Just being honest. Just because things haven't changed in your MARITAL situation, doesn't mean that you don't have problems that stemmed from it. And your issues run deep.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
Hey MrBond....I think you may be right about a few things, but I think there is a slight misunderstanding here.

You said:

Quote:
Or like the post just the other day about your W wanting to "hang out" with your son. You scoffed at that when in fact, he is her son.


You're right, but I was not scoffing. I think what happened was I should have separated the following two sentences with another one:

XW talked to S28 on the phone today. She wants to "hang out."

It just bothers me I think because even though my life is getting better, it is still not where I want it to be. Her life? Her life = wine and roses.


These were two separate thoughts. That's why I put a space between the two sentences. Her wanting to hang out does not bother me, but I can see where it sounds like it does. Perhaps I should have put another sentence between them.

Maybe something like:

XW talked to S28 on the phone today. She wants to "hang out."

It was sunny and hot here in Phoenix today.

It just bothers me I think because even though my life is getting better, it is still not where I want it to be. Her life? Her life = wine and roses.


Thanks for your honesty.

I still dig my job....

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard