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#2479721 08/16/14 06:12 PM
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Old thread locked, so just starting the new ... perfect timing really. I finished DB, also polished off 5LL last night

Old .. long sitch here. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2479357&page=1

So W dropped off son this morning early so she could go get her hair done. We messed around about an hour and I took him with me to my IC appt, turns out with all thats going on my appt is not for 2 weeks, lol ... losing my mind. So took that oppurtunity, he and I went to the bookstore, I was just looking around, spotted DL so I picked that up! Went and got my haircut and she called, asking if I had plans... told her nothing really set for the day (leaving tonight open as I have 2 birthday parties to choose from if I decide to go) She wanted to go to the gym, I told her that would be fine as S and I were enjoying ourselves (PMA) she asked if I was sure, I reassured her .. told her no rush take your time, she asked if she should pick up lunch .. I told her we were not hungry as of yet and would play lunch by ear.

Pleasant exchange, hoping the backslide from yesterday morning can be overcome and I continue making progress ... she atleast has her IC appt Monday ... no expectations but I hope the fog will lift, she can get past the withdrawls from OM and we can possibly see where we go from here as I continue on my path to a better me.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Update:

W asked me yesterday if I had plans (as she picked up S) I told her I infact did. I told her I would be going to church and she was free to join me ... she replied she would like that and asked if we could pick up a redbox movie after. I actually had a couple birthday parties that night I was invited to ... but honestly was tired and figured ... ok she invited me, I told her that sounded nice. So after church we discussed movie options .. I went and picked the movie up as she grabbed some groceries. We watched the movie and my son and I played a little bit during (I had already seen the movie but knew she would enjoy it) .... as typical she fell asleep during .. as she always does. So I got my S ready for bed .. brushed and prayed with him ... woke her up and told her he was in bed and I would see her tomorrow at his Dr appt. ... she asked me if everything was ok, apologized for falling asleep, I validated her and told her everything was fine (as it was) and I knew she must be exhausted after the week.
SO I am home falling asleep and the TM exchange was interesting:

W: I just read something and it dawned on me all the mistakes I've made with you I'm sorry for being controlling, for hating you, blaming everything on you.

Me: Ive made alot of mistakes too (I should have validated here looking back at it)

W:I'm not asking you to bring yours up. I'm just apologizing

Me: I know apologizing is hard for you. Thank you

W Its a step, I've screwed up a boatload. I'm going to go to mass (Different church as she shared she was not connecting at our after the change in priests .. something we had discussed before)

I fell asleep ... this morning she told me she was getting school supplies for our S .. I offered to help .. she replied "yes please"

Not having expectations .. so much work to be done .. but its a positive .. baby steps


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Definitely a positive! Be thankful that she has the character to do a little introspective on her actions and apologize. Even if it is just baby steps forward, at least it's momentum in a positive direction. smile


M:35 W:31
S: 9 D: 5
M: 11.5 yrs
BD: 5/13
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Thank you topgun ... and yes the fact she is actually starting to see her own issues have played a part is a good step in the right direction

So I get to the store, she was upset with our son, he was aparently acting out and back talking according to her, so I calmly stepped in, asked her for the list of supplies we needed to get, and told her "ok I am here, let me do this and you can talk a walk and gather yourself" ... she started in on me saying I was taking S's side ... I again just calmly repeated "I am here, trying to help you ... let me take him and get these items, you could use a break I know you are frustrated but yelling is not going to solve this, I will speak to him once you leave" .... ok .. this was a 180 for me ... I know S is acting out, but hey ... he is 7 and she was acting like she was 8 ... so this approach workd, by the time we were finished she thanked me and asked what was wrong with our S .. I told her "You both just seemed to be misunderstanding each other and worked each other up" ... she laughed and thanked me again ... Baby steps

So we get to S Dr appt, non eventful and I tell her I hope she has a nice evening ... she asked if I had plans for the day .. infact I did in a few hours I was playing Softball but was going to take S to lunch she was welcome to join us ... and she did because she "wanted to talk"

I was like .. crap ... ok ... DB DB DB ... so the talk went well I think .. she did bring up R a few times and I told her I was not wanting to discuss that, (OM has only been out of the picture less than a week) ... she told me she is having a hard time with things, I talked to her as a person, not as my with, I listened, I told her tid bits of various books I have read, told her the IC appt would be very good for her.

She asked if she has always had issues ... trust, control, assumptions .. told her they were always there and I failed in my approach to them ... without bringing it up I generally explained how I did not speak her LL ... just by telling her I thought she always wanted $$ when I realls should just have sat and had a nice one on one eye contact type talk , and should have taken her more places ... out of the house as a family and just things for her and I. (She keeps asking about some pictures she wants from our honeymoon the past few days ... no mind reading but its strange)

She then asked me what I want .... now before DB my reply was .. For you to stop the A with OM and give our M a real shot ... I refrained ... I told her that at the moment the M and our R was not really on my top 5 list of things I am trying to focus on ... that I have been proud of the progress I have made but need to keep at it and not backslide (explained the backslide concept and took that as a chance to explain thats what I did during our last blowup and apologized)

She told me she needed to go ... (was going to see our first nanny) ... tears in her eyes she thanked me twice for the talk and said "Maybe one day you can forgive me" I paused and thought about it ... and just looked her in the eyes and said "Maybe you can forgive me too"

I felt like the exchange was a positive, took some chances to make sure she knew I would never go back to the old marriage we had .. but did say something to the point that I did not think we were at a point for R as we both have some work to do on ourselves and would not have the time/energy to put into what would need to happen for R to be successful been the 3rd time OM and her have split ... and I am not going through a 2nd attempt at R till I know he is gone and she is ready to work at it.(Wish I had that advice the first time) ... she did actually respect that stance. She asked if I thought her and I were a mistake .. that we just stayed together because we were afraid of being alone ... I told her no way do I think 24 years can ever be considered a mistake, we had a lot of great times .. we just forgot how to treat each other the past couple years and a few small acts of kindness we may have avoided this entire mess as far as I was concerned ..... however as much as I did not like the situation I did tell her I actually see it as a hidden blessing as I would not have become the man I now am .. and I actually like who I am and where I am going.

All in all I think it was a great talk, seeds planted and now I just stay the course and hope they take root. Praying for small miracles and patience.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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I love that quote "We forgot how to treat each other over the past couple years"

I'm praying for you CaliGuy


Me: 35
Her: 33
D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014
OM Confirmed 7/2014
She filed 8/7/2014
I Filed 10/21/2014
Divorce final 2/12/2015
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Great story and great progress


Me-37
Wife-30
D-8
S-6
Separated since 4.19.2014
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Ugh ... backslide a little bit.

I was doing well with detaching, the W called S last night and said goodnight, all was good .. she had asked me earlier in the day to look for the Honeymoon trip (We took that about 5 years after we married) ... so I was looking around and found some older pics of our S when he was 2, only 5 years ago but we were so happy, looked 20 years younger .. not sure if thats what did it or not .. but I woke up at 1:30 this morning and could not stop thinking about her, and everything .. OM, the separation, what I really want, the pain and hurt ... all of it. She had told me the A was over (I dont fully believe her but want to) .. so I broke down and snooped .. sure enough a recent post of her with my S at a ball game and he "liked" it

I know I need to get over this, but it bugs ... I dropped off S this morning and she wanted a hug, I was hesitant ... but gave a half hearted hug and wished her a good day, tried to be positive but just was not with it today. I did not bring any of this up... just felt like I regressed a bit today after I was really happy with all the progress I have made.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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I can somewhat relate to how you're feeling. It's like, if they're not involved anymore, then why are they still FB friends? Why is he liking things she's posting to her wall? It's stuff like this that drives me crazy about FB.

And then...when you step back and look at it in the grand scheme of things, what is one "Like" on a social media site? It's hard in these types of situations to not let someone else rent space in your head for free.

Keep up what you've been doing. It's obviously producing some results, both in how you feel about yourself and it seems to be resonating with her.


M:35 W:31
S: 9 D: 5
M: 11.5 yrs
BD: 5/13
W moved out: 7/13
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Ok .. having just a rouch day ... I woke up at 1:00 this morning and just have not been able to shake it.

She told me that she wanted to do to a group at a different church, and also would like our son to attend the children session .. its on a night I typically have him

So I look up the church and the offered classes....Its a class to help those who have suffered divorce, separation, or the loss of a long term relationship ... and the children's is for kids coping with the same (He knows she left .. and has caught her texting OM) ... my heart sank .... and I am trying to remain PMA

One hand it is a church and I would hope they are pro M ... she is the WAW and going through the MLC .. not sure if this is a good or bad thing ... just trying to get my own thoughts and feelings in check about this new curve ball (I guess its better than a lawyer / mediator)


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Hang in there Caliguy, it's a rough emotional rollercoaster ride. I too have a WAW (no A) and some days are good and some are very bad. But it looks like you are really making good progress! She is obviously seeing the positive changes in you, keep it going!


M 43
W 43
D 6
D2
B-dropped 7/2014
W rented apartment 8/4/2014
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