Wife Is Continuing Affair-When Do I Start LRT?-V

[Devaste]

Hey Wonka,

Thanks for checking in. A lot going on, I've actually posted twice, but I guess they haven't shown up.

Let's do the quick summary, I saw a L last week, W knowing that was going on, asked me to send an email showing how I have changed. I have not yet done this. From my intelligence, the OM and her are having some issues. And lastly, I have been receiving regular rants and my W has now come to realize she has borderline personality disorder.

Now I don't really disagree with this diagnosis. She sent me all kinds of information on the symptoms, emotional instability, quick to anger, irrational, suspicious, unable to reason with, and prone to sexual indiscretions. Also on the list was alternating between driving yourself away from someone close to you and then having fear of abandonment.

This was followed by all kinds of rants and swearing at me for not responding. So I responded this AM by thanking her for sending me the information, and then asking who she had for support and who had she discussed this with. I also asked her how we can manage this going forward with our interactions. Although she isn't interested in me at this time, I need to interact. She said after looking at the diagnosis, it seems futile to her. This saddened me.

I find it ironic she can send me this information, and then rant and spew at me with impunity. It seems she fails to realize this step.

That being said, identifying the issue is big for her, I'm going to check into different treatments so I can ask her about them.

As always, the fun continues.

Happy Halloween,

Dev

[PeterV2]

Dev, you made a good point. Awareness is the start of healing. Of course she'll spew even though she knows she has a personality disorder. Maybe she hasn't quite come to the point of identifying her spewing with her disorder. Plain as the nose on her face to everyone else but she's too close to it and possibly the personality disorder is causing the lack of connection of her obvious manifestations of the symptoms to the disorder itself.

A glimmer of hope.

[zew]

Good to hear from you Dev.

W asked me to send an email showing how I have changed. I have not yet done this.

And I guess I wonder if there's any benefit to that. You're not trying to prove anything to her -- she has to realize what you are or have become, and what she would be living without. I think that's the only way this works. On the other hand, I suppose such an email would be free.

W has now come to realize she has borderline personality disorder.

The diagnosis is no shock. That W realizes it is a step forward. Now comes the tough part -- will she deal with it, or use the diagnosis as an excuse.

I find it ironic she can send me this information, and then rant and spew at me with impunity.

I have struggled with this dissonance as well. In your mind, she is lashing out at someone who most wants to help her with the problem. You are her biggest cheerleader, if only she would realize that. But in her mind, your helpfulness is part of the problem. It's helpful-Dev trying to tell her how to be happy, trying to fix things, being controlling. And even if you identify the most beneficial path forward with the best of intentions, she may do the exact opposite to the point of self destruction, just to have control.

I'm going to check into different treatments so I can ask her about them.

As I said, presenting this back to her in a way that doesn't make her reject it because it comes from you will be the trick.

As always, you sound rational and well.

-Zew

[Wonka]

Dev,

It seems to me that W is unwilling to let go, forgive and move forward. Based on what you report here, W has a looong memory and holds grudges. That is not a recipe for healing nor trying to find a way out of hopelessness.

I don't think your W is there at all...or even close to it. Not by a long shot. She clearly holds on to a ton of resentments that she is unable and/or unwilling to let go. Her scorecard is definitely a lot longer than Santa's list of good boys and girls.

That being said, identifying the issue is big for her, I'm going to check into different treatments so I can ask her about them.

In reading that ^^ quote set off alarms in my head for it comes across as you being the "Daddy" and holding her hand. I would suggest that you back off and let W figure this out for herself. Time for you step back and allow W to handle things on her own since this HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the children.

It is all up to W how badly she wants treatment and how motivated she is in seeking help.

Another thing that rubs me the wrong way is how W presented information to you as in "well, this isn't my fault for having OM! Look...it is all in there. So I am not responsible for my choices." That did not sit well with me from my perch...I don't know about you, Dev.

It sounded to me as if W is absolving herself of the responsibility for having an A!! Not cool.

What do you think?

[Jefe]

^^^ OK, good. I thought I was the only one. I completely agree with Wonka on both fronts.

[Devaste]

Thank you Peter, Zew, Wonka and Jefe,

Nice to hear from all of you, and some great reflections. I'll try to address them

I agree Peter, a glimmer of hope perhaps, and it's the start of a process for my W. And as Zew pointed out I'm not going to be sending an email to her. I'm making my changes, but I'm not sure she's made any. The interesting thing is she keeps asking me to go to MC sessions. I haven't gone, and she is doing IC. This is positive.

Wonka, you are correct and I did feel that W felt she absolved herself of responsibility. As both Zew and you pointed out, I have no intention of speaking to her about treatment options. My concern is really for my kids safety when they are with her. To be honest, they are my singular focus with respect to her Borderline Personality Disorder. I have Starsky Spew Jackets, they do not. I'm also acutely aware that I cannot blame all that has occurred on her recent diagnosis.

She has been sending many texts, about the kids usually. I'm
not really responding to them. But this most recent once surprised me. Perhaps some guilt, who knows. She's not going to be here for Halloween, so she may be feeling bad.

Mrs Dev: I'll do and get whatever. I can. I'll be heading out of town on Friday. I don't know if you want to know but I figure I should tell you. Sorry.


I haven't responded to her text. I'm probably just going to send a quick note saying thanks for the offer, but I should be ok. Or perhaps have her pick up one thing the kids need.

It's times like Halloween and the holidays that drive home the new reality of my stitch

Trick or treat?

Dev

[PeterV2]

If she's asking you to go the MC I would oblige. You just have to be very careful about your state of mind during the session. Keep it solution based if you can. If she starts dragging up the past move on to how you can both behave so that the problems in the past don't reoccur. Look for solutions.

Also if she texts about the kids I would respond, since they are your common concern. If she spews, then, yes, don't respond, but if she's neutral or positive by all means respond and give positive reinforcement to positive behaviour. That's a path to better communication and better connection. You need to re-establish connection before any R work can be done. And positive connection will bring her out of her funk.

[Devaste]

Hey Peter,

Thanks for your comments. I really wrestled with it. I am prepared to do MC if we are working on our R and there is no OM. She has been doing IC as have I l, which is great.

Good advice with respect to communication. I'm finding she is very up and down. Awhile back you posted on my thread about responding only to civil communication. It made me think about how and what I did. I've been doing that lately.

Essentially, backsliding in terms of arguments occur when W feels she is being blamed, or a situation arises where she doesn't want to take responsibility. I.e. She is trying to go away to visit OM, and we have a child care issue. I'm usually blamed for controlling her or making her feel a certain way. I've noticed, as Wonka said awhile ago, that scorecard of hers is so long and deep, she pulls on comments I made on BD. She's not forgetting anything that's for sure.

Building positive baby steps.....for myself and my kids, number one priority. Improve interactions with W when they occur.

Cheers,

Dev

[UpperCu]

Essentially, backsliding in terms of arguments occur when W feels she is being blamed, or a situation arises where she doesn't want to take responsibility. I.e. She is trying to go away to visit OM, and we have a child care issue. I'm usually blamed for controlling her or making her feel a certain way.

You certainly shouldn't make it easy for her to prioritize visits to OM above caring for the kids.

Can you elaborate on what you're saying in these types of arguments?

[Sotto]

In terms of MC, is that likely to be productive whilst your W remains involved with OM? Of course our sitchs are all different, but I don't think I could commit to MC unless OP was out of the picture.

Otherwise, aren't they just the white elephant in the room?

My response would be - if this other R is over, and you want to recommit to our M (or at least see if we can be together again), I'll invest my time and energy into MC....