As promised here is the convo that led to my being blocked, and then magically unblocked by my W. I got a phone call from my S8 last night asking to please call him back. I sent an email to my W asking her to pass on thanks for the message and please let him know I couldn't call him back because all my numbers were blocked......I then received the last two texts, again out of left field.
Mrs Dev: So (family friend) is taking S4 this week. What's the plan for the next few weeks? I can take him next week by fluke my work schedule works but very rarely will it.
Dev: Awesome. She will help out for two or three weeks. However much Is needed. Once (another friend of Dev) is back from holidays, He will pick up S4 after getting his S5. Some Saturdays we can reciprocate. My mom is good to help when she is back also. (Dev's friend) is good to help most all the time Same with (w of Dev's friend)
Mrs Dev: Like even on my days (Dev's friend) and your mom will help? I doubt your mom.
Dev: I'm sure they all will Ms Dev. I told you I would take care of it. You can pick up, but I don't see it being a problem. With my mom, it's for S4. Dev's friend wants his S5 to have a buddy there anyways. It's all going to work out. Famous last words by optimist Dev
Mrs Dev: Right. Work was saving a spot for me in exec. But those mtgs are Thursdays. And now S4's hockey is Thursday. Yes. I'm sure for S4 it will. For me and our finances it doesn't.
Dev: Sorry Mrs Dev, didn't know that
Mrs Dev: It wouldn't have changed anything if you did
Dev: You asked me about it after our session, you knew the dates. I signed up after talking with you.
Mrs Dev: I asked you what was happening with it. The next thing I new I got an email forwarded to me that he was registered. That email said the times and the costs. I was not consulted on that at all. I never actually said yes or no. Never had the chance.
Dev: A different conversation then I recall outside Mrs Dev. I told you both the times and the cost. And that it started in October. Similar to D6's martial arts which I sent and haven't heard back from you on
Mrs. Dev: Okay Dev. Whatever you say. That's why I need a lawyer.
Dev: Ok, what do you want to do about D6. And the lawyer helps how?
Mrs Dev: I don't matter. Gives me the voice you won't or can't
Dev: Sorry, seems I took care of the transportation issue, but it's still not enough
Mrs Dev: Good bye
Dev: Gotta run Mrs Dev, you need to use your voice. This is the very first time in all of this that you told me about the exec meetings on Thursdays
Mrs Dev: Because I don't need your approval. I should be able to do things in my life. Sorry i don't have a mom to have my kids for sleepovers anytime I want to do something. Blocking you. Email me if you need to get in touch.
Dev: That's not good for communication Mrs Dev.
And then 10 hours later after the phone call from son and my email.
Mrs Dev: Do you need any help with S8 and hockey tomorrow or getting S4 to soccer? You are currently unblocked
So after reading that, I see a few things I would have liked to change. Part of the problem with text exchanges is sometimes you write before a response comes through. Clearly when I read that, I cringe because I don't address some of the complaints my W is making. No Wonka validation. I need to step back and avoid responding till I collect my thoughts I think. The frustration of her asking me to sign him up, and then getting mad at me when it started got to me.
Probably a line like:
Obviously the exec meetings are important to you. I'm sure we can figure out a way to have you attend your meetings and still get S4 to hockey
I need to do more validation and wait to respond to texts so I make sure I am listening.
You might want to come from a position that is supportive within reason and try to work to defuse things if you feel Mrs. Dev is getting a rise out of your exchanges.
Yes, a bit of validation goes a long way. Perhaps you might want to take a peek at my thread in the Big D forum. Hint: Ms. Wonka sent a response this morning.
Back to you....
It is clear that Mrs. Dev is feeling frustrated at some certain things that appear not to go her way. I am not sure where she's feeling BLOCKED...pun intended.
You might want to soften your approach a bit more when doing text and/or email exchanges. Such as "what are your thoughts...is that what you (or I) understand here?", "perhaps I misunderstood...." You get the idea, Dev.
I am sensing some resentment on her part in that she views you as having a great support system in place such as your Mom and friends willing to help out with kiddos and she apparently feels that she does not have someone she can rely on in a pitch. Doesn't she realize that this is what a separation is actually all about...maybe she thought she'll be doing happy hopscotches away from you. Then reality bites her in the butt and she isn't liking it one bit.
Thanks for the support. I really agree with you. The reality is setting in. I'm somewhat confused by the up and down, but I just try and stay level all the time.
Seems the littlest things cause her to blow over. Really, I can't do anything right in her eyes. So, I step back. The less contact I have right now the better.
The latest, we exchanged vehicles for the day so I could take the kids for a bike ride. Went fine, until she found out I was at a dinner, and then she was upset about me using gas, which morphed into using her and controlling her. It's quite incredible to me to watch it occur. I stayed calm and validated her anxiety, and asked what I could do to help. The profanity laden tirade that followed was not helpful to me
I've called her on things that have confused me, when I haven't understood something. And she has admitted she needs to be more explicit. I believe she has several expectations of post Dev life that she is struggling with as they do Not come to fruition.
Anyways, all in all, I'm doing great! I will update with a few more details later today of some big things I need to decide.
Apparently I need to stop doing anything involving her. As an attempt to try and placate any anger or vehemence regarding me using the vehicle, I put in 1/4 tank of gas to replace what was used plus add more than enough.
I got a text thanking me for adding gas. I responded with no problem.
An hour later, a text came through saying that to be honest, it's cheap and petty that I didn't fill the car up completely. And that was followed by a tirade about how she's struggling and I'm not stressed about it.
Seems to me someone is facing some real reality. Ahhh, time to sit back and watch the show..... I know that sounds awful and uncaring, but I truly feel like this mess she has created herself, and she needs to solve it now. Herself, not with my help.
Seems to me someone is facing some real reality. Ahhh, time to sit back and watch the show..... I know that sounds awful and uncaring, but I truly feel like this mess she has created herself, and she needs to solve it now. Herself, not with my help.
And this is exactly what must happen.
Good job, Dev.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Dev, your wife is acting like a toddler. You are being wonderful! Keep up the good work and just ignore her nonsense!
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
In real time right now I am being berated for being "demeaning, dismissive, and judgemental". These are the favorite words of choice.
I asked genuinely for an example in our exchange where this was occurring, and I got a response that went back to previous things that upset her, like my letter to her back in the summer.
Clearly, clarity is absent here. What I wonder, is why does she care so much. Why so angry all the time. I feel like she is trying to blame me for her making her decision. Say hello to Super Dark Dev, SDD, not STD is in the house
