Wife Is Continuing Affair-When Do I Start LRT?-V

[zew]

I feel like my W wants the lifestyle she is accustomed too, but no part of a M with me. Hence her anxiety about money.

To which Hamlet would say: "Aye, there's the rub."

In the same place, my friend. Our W's are headed for a grim financial situation of their own making, and yet we are to blame.

[Devaste]

So true Zew,

Couldn't have put it better myself. Well I have fault with the destruction of our M, the choices she has made since the A discovery, are her own choices.

Easier to blame us as you noted. My W always talks about me using the words consequences or ramifications. It really makes her mad. Because there aren't any when this happens?

Dev

[Devaste]

I should clarify, I don't go around saying "this is a consequence or this is a ramification". I know there is no point to doing this. Creating guilt does not solve my issues.

I said it one time many months ago, and anytime there is a discussion about an activity or something that needs to change, she brings it up again. Clearly that truth dart hit a nerve.....

Dev

[PeterV2]

Dev, yes using the word "consequences" has a lasting effect. My W saw it as a threat and even though I think I last said it about 6 months ago it still comes up. I remember on New Years Day when she had spent the Eve with OM I decided then and there to D her. I spent the first week of this year compiling the division of assets spreadsheet and it was not pretty on her side. (I had shown her a rough copy 3 days after I discovered the A in mid-Dec and she still refers to that.) Anyway, I cut her off from our joint credit card that week as well and made an apt with a D lawyer.
Well the following Saturday she comes home and says she wants to see if we can make it work. Within a couple of days she said she's going NC with OM and she booked an apt with our MC. So I told her I'll get her a new credit card and she couldn't believe I cut off her credit card. She took that as an act of aggression and punishment and pulled back heavily. So much so that she was in contact with the OM again within 2 weeks (so I discovered later). Now 8 months later she still occasionally brings up the credit card cut-off, the division of assets letter and the mention of consequences. Seems some things leave an indelible mark.
I have a feeling she's going to ask me to apologize for those things in writing. Although she hasn't really apologized for having an A. She has said she's sorry she hurt me. But everything in due course.

I agree, creating guilt doesn't solve anything. In fact I don't want my W back if she comes back out of guilt, duty, obligation or threat to her welfare. I only want her back of her own free will to engage in a mutually loving marriage with me. I've told her that. I've also told her our M is over. The old, broken M, that is. I would want nothing but a new M. A fresh start. And the door is open, but I can't promise it'll be open forever. (Although I haven't told her that last part about it not being open forever - she'd take that as a threat right now - baby steps).
Hang in there Dev. You're staying the course well.

[Devaste]

Thanks Peter,

Exciting stuff going on for you! I'm hoping your letters addressing everything work out well! Make sure to keep your expectations in check.

Agree it's a common thread with respect to those words. The joint credit card was also cancelled in my stitch because mine was lost. A new one was not issued for her, and it still bothers her.

The process continues. My darkness continues. Hopefully some changes occur.

Dev

[Wonka]

Dev,

Swinging by here....where's my Tarzan??!

[Devaste]

Hey Wonka,

Been doing well. Really minimal contact with W after making the schedule last week. I'm still very torn. After discussing the phone issue she mentioned she wasn't sexting anymore the other day. She also has been impressed a few times buy what I am doing with the kids. However, she has given no signs of anything else, or of wanting to R.

As for me, the important part of this equation. I've adjusted back to work, gotten busy again, and been keeping my PMA going well. Tarzan has been working out a lot, and taking photography classes. Sporting seasons are about to start again.

Still a lot of sadness, but I realize lots is out of my control. Had a friend of a friend tell me that he knew, and that he was uncomfortable not telling me. Felt bad for me. The last thing I want. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, although the kind words are nice.

Really in a catch twenty two with respect to my stitch. Need to wait four more months to do anything because better financially, but may need to speed up process. With respect to moving forward, it may be helpful mentally I guess. And of course, in my dream world, anything can be reversed.

The one thing that sticks with me is to be the man no sane woman would want to leave. So now that some people know, I do have lots of interest from females, but of course I demur. And then I think, oh right, sane woman. I'm sorry that sounds bitter a bit. I fully accept responsibility for my mistakes in my M. I've worked hard to change myself with IC and reflective listening as well as reading several books. Learning is ongoing. The journey is never ending.

Thinking positively, Ms Dev hasn't sent me a text barrage for a week.....

Big weekend with the kids coming up here. I'll kept you posted

Cheers,and this one was a bit of a journal ramble :-)

Dev

[Wonka]

Dev,

After discussing the phone issue she mentioned she wasn't sexting anymore the other day. She also has been impressed a few times buy what I am doing with the kids. However, she has given no signs of anything else, or of wanting to R.

I'd be wary of W proclaiming that there's no sexting. Keep going with what you'be been doing and focusing on being the best father you can for the kids. Nice work! She's watching you from afar. Yessss...the WASes do pay attention to us. They are like poker players...they aren't showin their tells yet.

Need to wait four more months to do anything because better financially, but may need to speed up process.

Wait for what? I am not understanding what you're alluding to here, Dev. You can call me Her Royal Denseness.

The one thing that sticks with me is to be the man no sane woman would want to leave.

What does ^^ that look like to you?

[Devaste]

Hey Wonka,

Been away for the weekend with my kids, and went "unplugged". Quality time with my kids keeps me going through this mess.

Thanks for the support with respect to continuing my actions with the kids, and being consistent with her. I agree to be wary about believing anything she says. I don't. She did get me a BD card, signed it love, and gave me a gift from the kids and a small token from her. It made me cry when I read it. I was upset with myself for crying in front of her, but hey I'm human. She asked if she could give me a hug. In a weak and vulnerable moment I accepted it. I do think it's positive that we have had no negative interactions. That being said, I'm really not reading anything into this.

My confusing line about needing to wait, has to do with the optimal time to file for D for me. Obviously, I'm not interested in doing that, but it appears she wants to pick things up, and get things done as fast as possible. I'm taking a slow and steady cautious approach.

With respect to being the man no woman would want to leave, the things I am working on right now, include being a great father, being a great listener, being active and involved in my kids lives, and being present. In the past I used to always be thinking about the future. Now I try to focus on enjoying and appreciating things as they occur, and making things occur more often. I am continuing to work on "saying what I mean". In the past I would try to limit pain to my W, so I would often do or say things that might not have been truly how I felt, but were designed to eliminate or reduce her discomfort.

Bottom line this created a disingenuous Dev. Now, I am genuine and comfortable with saying what I believe, and listening to the other side. I realize it's not imperative to agree, that the real success in a relationship is how compromise and negotiation occur.

Hope that helps. As always Wonka, thanks for checking in. School starts this week, schedule in place. Let's see what the fall brings.

Cheers

Dev

[PeterV2]

Dev;
I think it's a positive sign that she gave you a nice BD card and asked for a hug. Good that you obliged. Little acts of kindness like that can precipitate more, as long as they are all positive experiences for her. I hope when you hugged her you held on to her in the most loving way you could.

When I was in the state you were in a few months ago I started working on developing my heart chakra - there are exercises on youtube. Trying to keep the energy flowing - but to have to watch you don't get out of balance. I had to go and get my chakras balanced afterward by a reiki master. I mentioned it to my W at the time and within 2 weeks she asked me to book her an appt with the same reiki master. Not sure if you think this stuff is wacko, but I do believe in the Human Energy Field and how it can affect relationships.

Whatever you're doing though, keep it up. I think any micro improvement is better that deterioration.