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Devaste Offline OP
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Okay,

Looks like I'm on to the 5th chapter in my adventure. Look forward to hearing your input Wonka, and many thanks to Train and Starsky. Great plan and support for raising the issue. Once I see Wonka's comments, I'm going to chat with my W about the phone issue and I will post.

Here's the links to my previous threads:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2435361#Post2435361

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2447819#Post2447819

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2458498#Post2458498

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2466660#Post2466660

Okay, should be good for another month now unless some serious action occurs. Thanks to everyone who posts and reads. It's truly appreciated.

Devaste


Me: 40
Wife: 38
M: 10. T: 18
S: 8, D: 6, S: 4
BD 02/01/14
Asked her to leave 02/01/14

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Halleujah, Dev!

Originally Posted By: Starsky
Dev, I would err on the side of protecting your kids. Say something like "Look I'm only going to say this once, but it upsets the kids when you text OM where they can see you. What you do on your own time is your business, but I'm sure we can agree that we need to protect the kids thru this mess. And for GOD's sake, LOCK YOUR PHONE. NO child should have to read texts from their mother to her boyfriend."


I think this is not the way to go since the kids just inadvertently ran into W at the park. It is not like W knew the kids were going to be there and she's free to do whatever she likes with her smartphone. I would not tell W what Starsky suggested ^^ right there because it would come across as controlling to W.

I agree with Train on how to approach your kids about what they see W doing in an open and honest way that's age appropriate. You just cannot sweep things under and pretend that your kids don't notice. They're old enough to see what's going on and they're smart to know that W is seeing someone else who's not their father.

You've said no OM around you, around the house, or nearby you. This is should be between adults. You cannot control if W has the OM around the kids. I shudder to think of this!! Grrrrr.

That's my perspective on this matter.

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I read this differently:

Quote:
. I took my kids to the country fair where they inadvertently ran into their mom. They noticed from a distance their M texting on the phone, and my D asked who she's always texting. My older S said I know, and then told me the OM name. He had brought this up with me before, and asked that it be our secret.



That sounded to me like the kids were seeing the texting of OM -- and often -- before the happenstance observation at the fair. And furthermore it sounded to me like his son was upset about it.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Yeah. I thought more on this last night. And today. I'm a little torn on it.

If I could do things over, I would have probably told my H that S8 was expressing concerns about the texts he was seeing ... and about watching H be obsessive in texting his new girlfriend. And as my son's mother, I would ask that H took all measures necessary to protect our son from the ugly reality of H and OW. (But I would have said this in an unemotional way; not using the word "ugly." wink ).

There's the issue of your W texting OM. You can't say crap about that, unfortunately, because she's a grown woman and that's her life. To try to interfere with that would be controlling. Which makes this a moot point because you already know it.

But then there's another issue: the kids. If the texting is bothering them to the point they are verbal with you about their hurt/anger? Yeah ... I think it's maybe time, as a parent, to step in if they are too young or intimidated to question/confront their own mom about it. You wouldn't be asking her not to text OM - just to take extra care to protect your children from seeing it or being around it.

I kinda wish I WOULD have had that convo with my H early on. And I sort of feel I contributed to my S8's exposure of the texts - and their content - because I *didn't*. But I know you aren't questioning (at least from what I'm reading) your kids' exposure to the actual texts, so take that into account with what I'm writing here.

I later told H not to text OW in front of or around the kids and me (thanks for helping me write that boundary, Wonka, when Starsky was away and left me to the sharks! .... Oh, relax, Starsky! I'm KIDDING!!!! laugh.)

But I wish I would have interjected before. I think - even when my H's brain was in LaLa Land, he still would have realized that the texting in front of the kids - and certainly leaving texts on the phone for S8 to see (especially considering the texts were X-rated, and we hadn't even had "the talk" with S8) - was not cool.


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I just wanted to put my 2 cents in, I told h it upset s7 that we both spent time on our phones when he was around as it was taking time away from him, H actually listened and has made a conscious effort to not to text Fb talk to ow around s7. it took away the 'control' thing for me and put it squarely in H's court, and brought it back to being about kids best interests.

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Starsky,

I now see what you mean when you put up that quote from Dev earlier. Yes, this does make a difference.

Train,

That is the boundary we worked on when we focused on around you and the kids at the marital home. Fortunately, it worked! In this case, Dev's wife is out of the house. So that is a bit more challenging.

Watto,

I think your approach probably would work best for Dev.

Just say that the kids have expressed concern about your wife spending too much time away from them with phones as it diverts her attention away from them. That way, you're not telling your wife not to text the OM, but rather frame it as the kids being bothered by it as they want to spend quality time with their mom.

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Devaste Offline OP
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Thanks Wonka, Starsky, Train, and Watto,

As you can imagine, I've given this some thought. I appreciate the input from everyone. I think I have decided that I will tell my W that the kids have expressed interest in both of us spending less time on our phones ( I don't use mind around kids anyways, but she doesn't need to know that). I'm going to say I'm going to work on that, she can do what she likes.

I will be direct and tell her our S8 is reading her texts and asked me about it, so she may want to change that, expressing my concern for our S, not trying to control her.

Thanks so much everyone for your insight and time. Not going to see her or communicate for two more days, so I can think about it still.

Cheers,

Dev


Me: 40
Wife: 38
M: 10. T: 18
S: 8, D: 6, S: 4
BD 02/01/14
Asked her to leave 02/01/14

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So a bit of an update,

The W and I met to plan the fall schedule and any kids activities. First half went well, we hammered out logistics. Then I asked how she was planning on getting kids to and from school, as she will be working full time almost. She suggested that she is planning on using the nanny. Calling her a shared family resource. I asked if she would be paying for the use of the nanny. This created a big financial discussion, which gravitated towards spousal support and fairness etc. mistake on my part to ask?

I then brought up the issue of the phone. I suggested myself first and said she was free to do as she pleased. I then mentioned that I want to keep the kids as stable as possible, and I mentioned that I would hope anyone they are introduced to would be serious. This was a mistake on my part. She then began down a road regarding controlling behaviour, how I demeaned and insulted her parenting, by even suggesting she would do something like that.

I reiterated that it was about the kids and she was free to do as she pleased, I just hoped we could both keep their best interests at heart. She started to talk about finances and spousal support etc. again. I believe from what she is saying, that she thinks she will get more money than she actually will, as I have done the numbers.

Either way, she is having lots of anxiety and fear about money, start of work, and her schedule. I feel I may have erred on the kids and OM comment. I get that I don't and can't control what she does with respect to the OM and my kids. Perhaps, and this is mind reading here, it touched a nerve, as I know OM has no interest in meeting the kids. Who knows. Keeping on the mind reading thread, I feel like my W wants the lifestyle she is accustomed too, but no part of a M with me. Hence her anxiety about money. She is also very scared of court. I told her my intention is not to vilify and destroy the M of my children, however, she does not believe me.

I am going to go even darker here. I asked her to please not come to the house and remove things when I am not here, to which she said she will come to the house until she is bought out. I just asked her to respect my space as I respect hers. This darkness which I have been doing, is actually, for me. I function much better with less interaction with her right now. She is so reactive that conversation is moot anyways. Constructive conversation.

I just STFU to the text barrage I received last night. No point in responding as nothing was urgent.

The journey continues. Keep my head up and focus on what I can truly control. Me.

Dev


Me: 40
Wife: 38
M: 10. T: 18
S: 8, D: 6, S: 4
BD 02/01/14
Asked her to leave 02/01/14

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Hi Dev,

We are in totally different situations, but I as one hurting man to another, I just wanted to extend a big hug. I wish I had experience or advice to share, but I'm on the other side of the coin here.

Hang in there,
DB


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
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Thanks DBinSF,

Appreciate the wishes. I've been following your stitch. Good luck to you as well. It's truly a journey!

Dev


Me: 40
Wife: 38
M: 10. T: 18
S: 8, D: 6, S: 4
BD 02/01/14
Asked her to leave 02/01/14

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