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#2478986 08/14/14 01:58 PM
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Mighty Offline OP
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Que sera, sera….

Watever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sea
What will be, will be

I remember that from Beaches when I was a kid. I always loved that movie.

Old link here (If I can do it correctly):

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2472154#Post2472154

New life below (and thank you to all of my new friends and support group I have made here. It means the world to me! You're the best!).

I just got a text about my cousin (41). He was the one on my first post who was diagnosed w cancer right before my mom was. It was a rare case, but after very intense treatments for almost a year, he was doing well. In the beginning of the summer they found spots on his lungs and he has been doing more chemo. The text said that chemo didn’t work. He is on his way to Boston to see another specialist. Perspective. Prayers.

It has been 5 weeks and 3 days since I had the second bomb drop. It was nuclear. The mushroom cloud is slowly dissipating, remains of the damage can be seen everywhere, and the devastation will linger for some time with reminders peeking out, probably for my lifetime. But clean-up has begun. Because of the experience of the first bomb, I was better able to handle the nuke. Yes, a nuke- far more devastating, but I’ve battled in war before. I am a fighter. I will pick myself up from the ruins and the survivors, my children and I, will be stronger, more united, and not fearful for the future, for “the future has a way of falling down in mid-flight” (from one of my favorite poems).

I think less often of h. However, it is still often. I cry less; however it still catches me off guard. I am looking forward to things in the future. I can see a life without him, as sad as it is.

I am not sure what to do about contact with him. I have such torn feelings. I get pi$$ed and think, “Forget him! I don’t want anything to do with him! I will never be his friend.” Then I feel bad for him and know that there is no one in the world who cares for him more than me. I know I will never allow him to treat me the way he did. I don’t want to be friends with him like this. He lied so badly to me. He chose someone else over me, his wife. He told me he does not love me. He gave that to someone else. But it is hard because it is so natural for me to be his friend and show concern. I sometimes put that before the hurt. WWWHHHHHHYYYYYY???

I think as long as he is with hww, I just can’t do it. That does not make me nasty, and I don’t plan on being mean (or having communication), that is just my boundary. Together, they have caused so much damage. They care about no one but themselves.

I don’t know what the heck he wants from me. Why does he want me to be part of his life? Or is it just guilt? Our communication since the nuke:

7/7- Bomb
h (text)- I’m sorry.
H (text)- I’m sorry for everything I have put you through.
H (text)- Are you ok?
(I don’t answer)

7/8- H calls 8AM (from work)- I don’t answer

7/9- I call h with a list of questions. He tells me some things, will not tell me who “she” is. Still lies. Was very quiet. Did not argue w me & I went off. I had some not-so-nice things to say about hww- he did not defend her. Would not tell me her name (protecting her- gross). H cried at the end- said it was “not a relieve” for our d to almost be final. Cried and had to get off phone.

7/10- I text h to get her name. He still will not tell me. Says she is irrelevant to our situation. I explain that another woman has been walking around carrying my husbnd’s baby for 4 months, I have a right to know. She MAY have a sibling to my children. Blah, blah, blah… I also say that I am not going back and forth, but I have one more thing to tell him (something I had typed and was going to email. I waited. Thank God. I never sent it.), but I just want to know who she is first. He wouldn’t “share her name.”

I was done. Things changed right then. He was no longer who I thought. He had totally checked out and committed to someone else. I finally realized it. He never had the backbone to tell me. Just push me away. I got it. I check out. I would no longer do anything for him. It was about me and my kids right then.
H sent another text a few hours later- what is it you need to tell me? I ignored.

7/21- h (text) How are you?
H (text) And the kids?
No response

7/24- h (text) make sure you set money aside for taxes on profits.
(Weird, random text)

7/25 – I mailed him documents to be filled out for changing deed over (he was probably like, how does she know the address of my new house with hww?!). This was on a Friday. H waits until Monday to respond. All his responses or communication ONLY happen from work. He must be very worried about what she will say. Insecure, much?

7/25 h (text- finally a response from mail- some really jerky response about how he is not going to happen until…. Some dumb thing…..)
I responded. He wanted to go back and forth with things like, you didn’t… I was like, yes, I did in March….. I stopped as soon as I saw it going nowhere. He was looking for any type of engagement. I was not biting. Done.

7/30- I email my requests to fulfill his end of our agreement. I was very nice and to the point. (I could have sent to lawyer)

7/31 h(text…..from work!) You greedy……. I have nothing….. you got everything…… (you get the picture…..)
My response was something like, haha, yes, real greedy. Let me know how you will be handling your part of the agreement.
Can you say, “Good morning, Monster!”?
He tried it… I disengaged.
The last text he sent was, “Leave me alone.” (he said that in the 2 other texts he sent right before that)

8/13 h (text 9AM) I have not gotten info from x bank. You will be better off going through your bank. The interest is .04% lower and x bank wants to charge $150 transfer. Let me know your thoughts. I will also need to fill out a form so you don’t have to pay taxes on it again.

(I waited to respond until I was ready. I would handle it, then inform him it was done. No need to go back and forth more than necessary. Plus, I was leaving him the frick alone.)

H (text 3PM) ?????

I saw this at 4PM. I was like whatever at first. Then, for a second, I got that ping in my stomach, like, “Oh no. He is going to be mad.” He hated it when I didn’t respond to him before. He would be very insecure about this. And I hated to make him mad. So I got that sick feeling for a moment, which was weird to have… it’s been awhile. Then I was like fa-geht-abot-it!

Me-(text 5PM) The link on the website has been down all day. They are aware of it and told me to keep trying. When it is up, I will send my info.

H (text 5PM) OK

What I notice: he still reaches out. I don’t think he can go too long without contact. This has been, by far, the least amount we have ever communicated- ever. The lack of communication is very noticeable in my life, and must be in his too. It’s weird. When he reaches out, it’s usually like he is trying to be Mr. Nice. I am very distant. Very dim. Only communicate when necessary, and it is to the point. He does not respond well to this, it appears.

Does any of this matter? I don’t know. It is just weird, after 19 years. And I think I am still trying to wrap my head around it. And, I am embarrassed to say, I think I wish he would just say he made a mistake. Not that it needs to go further. Not that it will ever happen. I’m just sayin…

And that’s that. Nothing interesting. Just very different. I care less. But I still care a lot. It is weird to think about where this will go. I hate the thought of them together. It is so wrong. I can’t bear the thought of this baby. That may take on a life of its own. I just need to accept it and move on. Easier said than done, but I will get there…… maybe…… someday….. I will….. I think….. hopefully…. Someday…. Maybe…..

Que sera sera!

Mighty #2479007 08/14/14 03:18 PM
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Mighty, for the short amount of time you've been on this journey coupled with the cards he dealt you, you really are doing well. You will still have your emotional moments but focus on the positive and continue staying strong.

I totally get when you say you put his issues before your hurt at times, because I do it too. You're just a good person who cares for others and isn't the narcissist your H has become. You have genuine compassion for others, despite what they've done to you. H, in the meantime, is in ME land and will be there for a long time I'm sure.

As to the contact, that is typical MLC script. My H does the same thing. He can go nuclear on me one minute and then text me all day long with random things just to make sure he hasn't lost me for good. I too no longer rush to respond and when I finally do, it's quick and to the point.

Take this time to truely look at yourself and figure out what YOU want. My H is away for a month right now and that is what I'm doing. My mind still wanders to OW and all the hurt he's caused, but I try to focus on me and what I want. Will I be able to forgive him if he ever does come back, will we be able to get passed this, could we really have a R after. That's the things you should focus on, focus on ME and not on him. I know it makes my days easier!


Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
Ssarah #2479037 08/14/14 05:00 PM
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Thanks, Sarah.

Mighty #2479038 08/14/14 05:04 PM
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I was thinking about the poem I quoted earlier. It's awesome. My older brother read it during his high school graduation, and I always like it. It has more meaning now. The author is unknown, however, over the past few years, I have seen different people put their name on it.

"Comes the Dawn"

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today,

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong,

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn...

With every goodbye you learn.

Mighty #2479050 08/14/14 05:47 PM
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great poem Mighty.
thanks for sharing that.

You will get there as you posted, you will find strength you never knew you had. Your text communications are so similar to mine and I suppose a lot of people here. One day mine would ask me if I survived the storm ok (after a thunderstorm) and then I got "you're a thief and a whore" wow! Good thing is that i'm not as affected by it anymore, you do get stronger and you stop investing in the dead relationship and you realize you control your own thoughts, feelings, emotions. HE cannot make you feel any certain way, only you can control your feelings and responses. You got this. One of the hardest journeys ever but necessary now to get through it and you will come out stronger and more confident. Have faith, stay positive smile


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
TL72* #2479112 08/14/14 08:52 PM
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Hi Mighty,
You seem to be holding your own in a hard situation. Your poem really hit home. My W has avoided being "hurt" her whole life. She left every R she ever had before we met including an engagement when she was 20. She was proud of the fact that she was always the "winner", that no one ever left HER. She never learned how it felt to have someone leave her....with one big exception. Her dad left her, her brother and mother when she was just 10. Up and left and didn't care. Never paid CS, only saw her a couple weeks in the summer and then it was "uncomfortable". He didn't care about her and did so many awful things over the years that just showed how little he cared. Meanwhile her mother never got over his leaving. Never dated, never remarried. She saw her father enjoying his life (inside I don't think he was so happy but...) and he was a 'winner".

My W's depression and eventual MLC started when her father came back into her life after his father died. Said he wanted to make up for everything bad he had done but just her, no husband. He said she was wasting her life as a wife and mother, he wanted her to go away to Europe with him and his wife (OW that he left his family for!) for a couple months but just her, no H, no kids. When I said that wasn't right, what about her kids (13 and 9 at that time, girls) she was upset, thought I was stopping her from having a R with her dad. That changed everything about our M. It was never the same after that. When her father got cancer and she thought he may die...off into MLC land she went, that was 3 years ago. Now she lets him tell her what to do from filing for D to where to put her bed in her room.

Looking back my W avoided being hurt her whole life. She was bound to have an MLC, no matter how good our M. I didn't break her, I can't fix her. I love her, I know she is hurting, I know she is in crisis. But her crisis is hurting so many including me and my kids. At the same time it is giving the person who abused her most of her life all the power he had over her as a child right back to him and he is using it, believe me.

Thanks for sharing the poem, it really hit home on so many levels.

Matt165 #2479198 08/15/14 02:07 AM
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Mighty thanks for sharing the poem. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you as my exH and I had no kids together and the other woman is not pregnant with his alleged baby. Wow! It seems as if you are really being strong through al this. Take good care of yourself (plant some flowers in your garden as the poem says).


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


cczamo #2479207 08/15/14 02:26 AM
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I've heard that poem before and it has always meant something different at different times in my life. I think only now it is really hitting home hard.

I just hope I don't have to say goodbye.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Ss06 #2479257 08/15/14 05:25 AM
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Hey guys! I'm so glad you like the poem. Even though I've known it since I was in elementary school, it has a whole new meaning, and I actually read it often. I wonder if the author was going through some of the things we are.

TL- Right on, lets start investing in ourselves! And I am so enjoying that I can feel however I want, without anyone saying anything about it. I went from my mom's house to living with h. I have never been on my own. I have kids, but they are independent teens. They still need me, but I think it is interesting for them to watch me grow and become independent.

Matt- I am right there with you on this. We have similar sitches because like your wife, my h had terrible experiences in childhood. It drove him to be better, it was always a sour presence in his life and, I thought, made him a better person to rise above it. He, too, swore that he would never do what was done to him. So sad to see them overtaken by history. I thought for sure he'd broken the cycle. For sure. So unexpected and sad.

CC, yup, it's tough. But, it's tough for us all. No matter what the sitch is here, it is unexpected and difficult. We all make the best with what we have. Thanks for dropping in. I like that. And I'm glad you checked out the poem.

Ss06- I like the 06, 6 was always my lucky number. I always set things at 6 or configure numbers somehow so they make 6. Not sure why you chose that...
Anyway... goodbye could be only temporary. it could be "for now" as long as you "learn", right? I feel the same as you about the poem. I took different things from it, too. But, it has had more meaning recently. Saying goodbye could be saying goodbye to the past, or things which didn't work, or the "old" r, or whatever you want. It could be rejuvenation and does not necessarily mean saying goodbye to a new r with h! Find the positive, right? I'm trying, anyway. Silver lining.... it is always there.

Thanks, peeps, for checking in. It is August 15th, halfway through the month. What will we make of the second half of August, 2014?

Keep it real!

Peace




Mighty #2479277 08/15/14 11:40 AM
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Quote:
Saying goodbye could be saying goodbye to the past, or things which didn't work, or the "old" r, or whatever you want. It could be rejuvenation and does not necessarily mean saying goodbye to a new r with h! Find the positive, right? I'm trying, anyway. Silver lining.... it is always there.


Yes, I believe the silver lining is always there. As I have moved forward in this process, things have come to the surface...God's reasons for all these changes.

Our youngest, D11 is really sensitive to criticism and tension. It's gotten better as she gets older. Smokey was a really moody, tense guy and used sarcasm to communicate his feelings. Having him here wasn't the best thing for D11. Despite all this pain from the situation, our day-to-day life has improved because she has been able to live without the worry that he will come in and disrupt things, criticize, get angry if she has a meltdown, etc...Her behavior has changed so dramatically and improved in so many ways since he left. She is much more confident and capable of handling life. It's truly a miracle that she is even able to consider a move from her home to another state. She is open to it.

It takes time, but you will get there Mighty. You will have a moment where you go, "WOW! I think I kinda get it. It's ok. This journey has a meaning and a purpose." Then, a month later, you will have another moment and another...it builds. Until, at some point, you turn around and you realize the person in the mirror is someone stronger and more compassionate and more...just MORE.

You are an awesome lady. Stay in your center...that sacred place inside you that is just Mighty...find that place of YOUR truth and you will be ok. :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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