afraid I have waited too long #4

[nit84]

Back for the story of the move out.

She told me a week and a half ago when I talked about the OM laundry that she was going to be out by month's end. While I took this seriously a part of me didn't want it to happen.

Last week she cleaned out a closet laid the stuff in the living room and asked what I wanted. I picked some stuff and said ok get yours she said I already did, so I took some more and the rest will go the Veterans.

Same thing the next night with the kitchen stuff, then two days off with no movement at all. Friday comes and I am out GAL I come home and she is downstairs going thru that stuff.

I let her do it and go to bed. I wake in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and I go downstairs and see a bunch of stuff in boxes so the move was going to happen. As she was going through stuff, I forgot I left a book that I read in one drawer. It was a good one about worn out women. I know she saw it because it was moved and flipped over but still in the drawer. A lot of pictures of us together were in some of boxes also.

Went back to bed, in the morning I got up normal time for a Sat. she was up right after me(not normal). I took a shower she was near the bathroom while I was in there. When I went back upstairs she asked if I took a shower. I said yes she said because there is a pipe leaking by the washer, I said ok looked at it and something seemed off but it wasn't bad and looked like it had stopped. I went upstairs told my W no big deal I will take care of it and left. Her bed was stripped down so I knew for she was leaving.

I came back 2hrs later there was a truck in the driveway. I didn't know who was there but I went in the house. It was her brother who I hadn't seen in about 5 years. I said hi he shook my hand in front of W and I went about my business. It was quick stop as I had somewhere to be in about an hour.

As I left, there was some small between me and BIL and W added to it as I was leaving. I was gone for about 7 hrs.

I came home and everything looked normal till I went downstairs she took a lot more than was on her list and for some reason. When I checked the garage the door was left wide open(she never does that) for anyone to come in.

I then realized she took Our cat also that made me sad but I am carrying on.

I locked up everything went back upstairs and then discovered some things she didn't take, Wedding Dress, Antique doll collection from Gram ma, lots of food and her Birth control pills. Didn't know why, didn't care why, just found it strange that these were left behind.

I didn't want to stay so I went out and GAL again. I came back 3 hrs later fully expecting other things to be gone nothing else was touched.

I went to bed got up the next morning and started to go through the rubble. I discovered her cell phone receipt with her and her Mom new # that she got the day of the spousal support hearing back in June. She never gave me the number.

I also found her credit cards on accounts in my name only. this is important for proof, I feel, down the road. She is claiming I was the only one who used the cards so she shouldn't be responsible for any charges made while we were together.

All the while I am thinking how to approach W if she returns while I am here. She didn't come back while I was inside but I passed her on the road outside our plan when I was returning after running some errands.

I checked and the alarm clock and her BC pills was all that was taken this trip.

Based on the volume of things she took and the size of the truck she was using I guesstimate about 7 loads, based on the time taken, she must be pretty close, but again she isn't sharing that with me.

A neighbor saw her come back Sun and commented that she was running in the house and running out the house she was there about 20 secs didn't want to see me I guess. he commented.

went about my day. when I got home I decided to clean the kitchen really well. I took all dry foodstuffs and boxed them up and set them by the front door so when(if) W comes back it will be quick for her to get and go.

Kitchen looks good but bare. I will do the same one room at a time. I will set all things I don't want by the door for ease of pickup.

I am now able to make it MY house in most respect except sole ownership. I have wanted to clean the house head to toe for many years now is my chance. When I am bothered I am one hell of a cleaner so it will keep me busy.

She left so me boxing up her left behind things should be no big deal Right?

That night I slept very soundly best in months but when I got up the reality hit me again and it stinks. I have no desire to contact her and I will continue my GAL and 180(cleaning and fixing the house up). at some point, I guess she will come back to get those things. If I am here I am if not I'm not.

I will ask her why she felt the need to take the cat and other things that were in dispute at the moment. I will do it with quiet power not aggression. I need to see what that will look like to me.

Is practicing some things that I want to say helpful or should I just let it flow out if the opportunity presents itself?

Thanks again for all the help. Now that she is moved out it will help me detach more I'm sure but that doesn't mean I have to quit loving my W.

Now that the circumstances have changed do I alter anything as far as DB goes? I will reread Sandi rules again there are things in there that I tried when I was not living in the Marital home. I will go back to those and hope I do a better job this time around.

Thanks in advance for any help or thoughts

[nit84]

Thanks Wonka I will do just that

[nit84]

Well, the weekend is here. Wonder what it holds for me?

I will continue cleaning the house like I planned putting things that belong to my W near the door so if she comes over it wont take her long to load them up and be on her way.

If she does show up and I am around do I just act like she isn't even there until and if she speaks to me? Then let know I think what she did was extremely disrespectful bordering on psychotic or when she shows do I go directly into telling her my thoughts and not let her try to excuse this behavior away?

I have been fine without W at home, I don't have the urge to contact her even if I could. I still am standing for my M but removing myself from the bad and disrespectful behavior my W has exhibited.

[Ahoy]

I'm sorry you're dealing with that nit. Stay strong. Don't waste your breath saying anything to her unless it is response to a direct question from her. What's the point? Just go about your life and do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and as happy as you can be under these crazy circumstances. Thinking of you.

[nit84]

THanks Ahoy,

W didn't come over at all this weekend. This is just fine for me at the moment. I GAL'ed and spent some time with the family. Just taking it one day at a time.

I continued to clean so eventually My house will be the way I want it.

I had IMC appt this morning nothing earthshattering happened.

Have a great week everybody

[nit84]

I need to get people's opinion on this.

A great family which is mutual friends to both the W and I just had their 4mo old baby pass away.

When I knew that he was not doing well I reached to the family to offer my support and Prayers. I am assuming my W did the same. They know we are S but don't know my W has moved out recently.

For 3 days I kept in contact with the Family to try and lend support.

The Baby passed the other evening. I didn't find out till the next morning.

When I checked my E-mail that morning. I see my W e-mailed the prior Evening to say the Baby had passed. Since it was 12 hrs later I responded thanks for letting me know and how heartbroken I was for the family.

After I responded, I wondered if I did the right thing by doing so.

I did then reach out to the family to express my condolences.

My W has had contact with this family only 2 times since Our S began according to what they tell me.

I hope I am wrong but it feels like my W is using this tragedy to contact me and Gauge how upset I am with her after the "smash and Grab" moving style she showed 2 weeks ago.

This passing of this Baby brings back bad memories of 4 yrs ago when the same thing happened to another mutual friend of ours, which if you been following my thread from the beginning is where I had finally realized that My W and I needed to start a family of our own.

I know at the Funeral and Memorial Service there is a good Chance I will see my W for the 1st time in 2 weeks.

I am there for the Baby's family and will treat it as such.

I would like to know though if I should just sit by myself or ask my W if she would like to sit with me?

Or let it play and see if she decides by herself to sit with me?

Thoughts appreciated

[Ahoy]

Just go for the family, as you suggest. Don't ask your wife where she wants to sit. Just let her sit where she wants. Be friendly, but that's all. Don't second-guess why she's using this opportunity to contact you. It's irrelevant and likely she won't tell you and she may feel differently tomorrow, so don't read too much into it. Just be there for your friends during this difficult time and make that your focus during the services.

[nit84]

Well my W has been gone 3 weeks now. I am doing ok.

I am in forced NC. I do not know where she moved to and she never gave me her new cell # since she got it in June.

I really have no desire to talk to her actually.

She has contacted me twice by email. The 1st time was last week to tell me that a mutual friends 4 month old baby passed away. I didn't see the e-mail till the following morning.

W: Heaven gained another angel this evening, little Baby passed away. No answers yet.

Me: I am heartbroken for them, I have been praying for a miracle ever since I found out how dire baby's condition was. I did not know he passed thanks for letting me know. It is so very sad. Me

I saw her at the funeral but we really didn't talk.

When I arrived at the Funeral Home W car was in the parking lot but I didn't pay any attention to it thinking well, she is inside and I will play it cool.

I got out of my car and headed directly toward the door. I heard a car door shut behind me and the quickened pace of high heels behind me. I just kept walking. The heels slowed to a walk and I recognized the walk as my W. I continued inside and consoled the family without looking back at my W. She did acknowledge me after we talked with the family a bit.

During the service we stood on opposite ends of the room. I glanced over a few times and she was tearing up just like I was so at least she still has some emotions. She left pretty quickly after the service and that was that.

At the wake, the baby's family asked me if the W and I drove together. I said no why? They said it seemed strange the way she followed me into the Home.


Then Yesterday W e-mails me to ask if they is any mail or packages for her. I waited till early this morning to respond.

W: Hi, Do I have any mail or Packages? Thanks, W

Me: There are a few pieces of mail but no packages have been delivered.

I think I have done a good job at detaching in the 3 weeks that I have been alone in the house. I am cleaning the way I want. I am packing up things of W that she left behind and putting them near the front door so if she ever comes back to get stuff it will be easier for her to be quick about it.

Still GALing.

It does bother me when she emails me though. I don't think Oh, hey she is missing me and that is why she is contacting me.

It bothers me because of the way she left. I knew she was leaving there was no surprise but she emptied the house of more stuff than I thought or she told she would be taking.

It is just material things but it is the principle of it.

I hope she knows that I don't like the way the move went down. I know she doesn't care what I feel but I certainly hope she knows that I think the way she did it was wrong.

I have no desire to talk R with her at all. No desire to talk at all really but I want her to know that I wont be disrespected by someone who has chosen to move out.

Thoughts and advice about what other things I should or could be doing would be appreciated.

[nit84]

This NC is going ok I suppose.

Being by myself certainly is allowing me to be at ease a little more than when W was living here.

I have found out that W most likely moved in with her Grandmother. I am somewhat happy about this because her Grandmother is older and could use the company plus it means that my W hasn't leased a place for her and OM.

Intel has it that OM has been seen going back to the place he was living before all this started.

All this means to me is W felt like she couldn't live under the same roof as me any longer. I do wonder though, if she was planning on moving with Grandma all along, why she didn't do it right after the spousal support hearing or after she handed me the D complaint.

She has made the 2 email contacts in the 3 weeks since she left I answered both very briefly and I haven't initiated any of my own contact.

I go back and forth whether I should or not. I know I shouldn't and most of the time I am in control of the feelings that make me want to contact her but sometimes I think about the good times and what could happen moving forward if she could understand her part in our failed M. That is when it get a little tough.

[Little]

I know I shouldn't and most of the time I am in control of the feelings that make me want to contact her but sometimes I think about the good times and what could happen moving forward if she could understand her part in our failed M. That is when it get a little tough.

Unfortunately, you can't make her understand. She has to come to this on her own, and a lot of the time that takes missing you. She can't miss you if you never go away (so to speak).

That's why you don't contact her.