afraid I have waited too long #4

[wmwb123]

Thank you, nit84. You're very kind. My WW moved out at the end of May. I've seen her three times since then. She never even had the decency to discuss the D with me. I knew she was thinking about it, but at least as an adult she could have sat down with me to discuss how we would approach it.

I'm working on things, too, albeit slowly. I'm getting more involved in church and learning how to cook. These are things I believe would improve our marriage. Like you say, however, it's up to her. I can't control her thoughts.

[nit84]

This happened over the weekend,

W was home early Friday night around midnight. then sometime in the middle of the night between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. she went back out. Came home at 7:00 a.m.

I was leaving to do my normal Saturday Morning routine when she came home. I said nothing.

When I came back she was in the kitchen and I asked if things were ok? She shook her head yes but didn't look at me.

I left the room. a little later she was leaving and her car wouldn't start. she fumbled around a bit I let her go then after she checked the oil and tried to start it again I went over to ask what the problem was.

She said her car is dying she needs a new one. I asked whats wrong with it and she got upset and said she didn't want to talk about it. I said ok and went back to what I was doing. It started and she left.

When she came back we again were in the kitchen together and I asked about her Mom. she told me some stuff and I was leaving room when she decided to tell me all that is wrong with the car. It will cost over 2000.00 just for parts she said. so that is why it is not inspected because it is cheaper for her to get a ticket. My Father always fixed our cars so I asked if she got a 2nd opinion from a local mechanic and not a dealer. she said no one can fix it it is too bad. Besides, she said I got my money out of it.

The car has 105,000 miles on it but it is a reliable brand if taken care of. I have had this brand and got of 200,000 out of them so I know it would last a couple more years if it was cared for. Not saying she didn't but once things pile up that go wrong it seems insurmountable.

I went out again and when I came back she was doing laundry and I notice some Male clothing again. This is the 4th or 5th time this has happened in the past 2 months.

I had yet to say anything to her about my feelings on this subject. thinking what good would it do anyhow?

Well, I guess I finally had enough. I asked when will she be done washing her clothes because I wanted to do some of mine. She answered with an attitude Why? This caught me off guard a bit and I said because I want to do mine just wondered how long but no worries.

Then I said it. When will you be done with his laundry I asked. She stopped and looked away and said You need to worry about yourself before others. I said I am worried about myself and doing a great job at it. She smirked and I said why can't he or you just throw quarters in at the laudromat instead of being disrespectful of me. I guess since he got kicked out of where he was living you have to do everything for him now? She said I was funny and I said it is just disrespectful.

She denied that those were Male clothes and I said ok I guess we done discussing it.

I then asked when some property would be returned to the house and she said I don't have to report to you. I said most certainly you don't it is just a question because I would like to use it. She got frustrated more When I asked where some furniture went( she snuck some out when I was gone for an all day event). She said it was on my side of the property list so I took it. I explained that we hadn't signed anything like that. She said we agreed on it though. I said yes but my L asked me to ask you to bring it back till all things are settled. She said she couldn't it was being used. I said The OM doesn't have furniture either wow that stinks. She said it wasn't him that was using it. It was her family who had already thrown their other furniture out and I am letting them use mine.

I said but it technically is still mine also. W said It is going with me when I move. I said most likely it is but you are still here so until you move please bring it back. She said how do you know I haven't started to move out. I said I didn't, she said well I will be out by the end of the month. I said ok. W said I thought we were ending this on a good note but you have to start s**t, I said not doing that just wanted you to know that I think it is disrespectful. She asked why I waited till the last minute to bring these things up. I said I didn't know we had a deadline.

She went upstairs muttering to herself Jumped on her phone and started by saying "yeah, it is F***head, he.... I didn't wait around and left to remove myself from the situation.

When I came back I told her I owed her apology for buying appliances as gifts for her. She didn't speak but I told W I can understand how you would feel that it was demeaning. Last week, I asked her "what would make me a better husband, not for her and no one in particular just what would be her vision on what this would look like for me" I said I guess this apology goes hand and hand with that question. BTW she never answered me.

She went out for a couple hrs but was home earlier than I expected, Actually I figured she would be gone overnight.

In the morning I went to church I came home and said Good Morning in Passing and she replied in kind.

Sunday she started to clean out a hall closet and I asked if we were going to talk about this property considering it is not on the list. She said all I did was clean out a closet and yes we will talk.

While this conversation was going on she was holding a pot of sauce or chili that she was taking with her to leave.

The last week or so a couple times she has prepared food and took it out of the home. It is not what my FIL eats so it isn't for him.

I was following her downstairs to the basement to eat my dinner and I couldn't resist it was dumb but it is said and I am over it.

I said he(meaning OM) doesn't have a kitchen either things must really be bad for him but thankfully he has you and his Baby Mama oh and that New blond from the gym he has been seen leaving with while you are working. This is new intel I received last week.

She walked out to her car and left.

The last couple days our house looks like an indoor yard sale she has everything out so we can talk about who wants what.

I don't think what was said over the weekend made her move out. She was already planning it I am sure.

I am sad that she is leaving but it may be the best thing if she gets out there on her own assuming it is on her own. Maybe even though we don't really communicate this true space will help both of us seeing as she still won't tell the truth about the A or actually other stuff also.

I still have hope for things to get better but it is getting smaller and smaller with each passing day.

What do I do now? Just stay patient and let whatever happens happen or is there something I could or should say to my W? Not to keep her from moving out necessarily but allow the road home to stay paved and smooth.

Thoughts very much appreciated!!

[nit84]

Just a continuation of my thoughts in my last post.

I suppose GALing and Detaching is all I can do at this point till after she moves out. I wont crawl into shell but probably will stay home more to fix some stuff up around the house if money permits.

Once the initial shock wears off I am sure I will be fine.

Once she goes though there will not be any contact at all most likely because she got her own cell phone 3 months ago and hasn't given me the number.

In a way I suppose this is a good thing for now till the actual D decree comes and I don't know when that will be.

My L and I will work on how best to protect myself. My hope is my W knows that we both(her and I) have to protect ourselves to move on without ruining either of our future lives whether that be together or not later on.

Based on W reactions to some things that my L and I have done and proposed to her and her L, I feel there is long road of resentment and unforgiveness ahead for me from my W. I hope I am 100% wrong but I am prepared for it.

The things I have proposed to my W with my L blessing have been fair. I don't know why W and her L refused what we proposed other than her L said If they agreed that would mean I wouldn't be as receptive to their demands(too strong a word), wishes is better, later on.

Could be true but not positive because my W has not been forthcoming with any numbers for some reason. I have a pretty good Idea of our assets so anything that is proposed wont come as a shock but I guess the amount she will ask for is question and it must be huge if she doesn't want to even run a number past me.

I am still sad as I type this because, although, I have worked on myself a great deal and have my self confidence back and I am a better person then I was when this mess started, I feel empty

I,unintentionally for sure, think I haven't done the best job at DBing and that frustrates me. I have read DR more than once and feel I know the principles, I just don't think I did a good job at adapting these principles to my personal Sitch.

Maybe it comes down to my difficulty in trying to communicate correctly. This is an obvious problem with my W and probably on this forum as well.

I have received invaluable advice from a lot of people especially the Vets that has helped me immeasurably with all parts of this fiasco except the most important and obvious one that is my most desired.

I will continue to have hope for my M because that is the type of person I am and have always been.

I am not trying to feel sorry for myself but it sure is coming off that way Sorry for that.

I suppose I could start improving on the parts of DBing that I have messed up so far realizing it is never too late to start over it just frustrates me. I have been given the gift of time just not sure I used it wisely.

[Ahoy]

hi nit, I'm sure you already know this, but confronting her about the laundry and food and all that is not going to make your situation better. I know it's really hard to bite your tongue when you are being so disrespected, but you'll have a lot more peace in the long run, and won't end up in a nasty back-and-forth rant with W. If you are your best self, then she can't blame you for her unhappiness and decision to D. Show her only your best self, even if it feels inauthentic. Then rant to your friends and family or to the folks on this board instead of to her -- that's what they are there for. Don't confront her any more. If you need to address property issues, have your lawyer contact hers. Stay friendly and stay out of it!

[nit84]

Ahoy, that is basically what I have done for 15 months now is avoid conflict with my W, which I believe is your suggestion, correct?

I understand that my W will not be happy if I bring these things up which I don't often, but I do it in as non-confrontational way possible as much as I can. There is never any yelling anymore I just state facts without the yelling. It is my W that chooses to react badly to these facts. I will say one thing, I need to stop with the sarcastic remarks.

She knows I have been working on myself for these last 15 months and I do put my best self forward to her and lean on friends and this forum to vent 99% of the time.

We decided and our L's agreed that we should handle the property ourselves to save some fees. For the most part this has worked.

I felt I had to stand up for myself in regards to feeling disrespected so that it didn't create new resentments. I have forgiven my W for her part in the failure of the M and also myself so I do not want to begin some new resentments that I am sure would lead to "more of the same" which I don't want my W to think will be the case if she decide to try and work on things.

I have admittedly been a doormat in a lot of our interactions. This is where I get confused. I want to keep the road home paved and smooth but I also can't let it be at the cost of my dignity or self-respect.

This is the battle I have been fighting for a long time. I consider each situation before I react(never did this before) sometime probably over-consider too much.

I don't want to just "win" anymore. I want to understand and take my W thoughts and opinions as an equal in the M. This is very hard with the walls she has built around her heart. I am allowed to disagree with those thoughts but I still want/must allow for her feelings.

It is now communicating these new changes to her in a way that is not pursuing, clingy or needy.

My actions(180's) are speaking for themselves but I need to balance that with the best communication possible.

This is my stumbling block.

When I ask clarifying questions of my W she stills see it as me being controlling or confrontational. I understand that is my W problem more so than mine but I need to be better at asking these questions in the correct way.

Who knows I might be asking correctly and it is just my W reactions that make me doubt myself.

[Ahoy]

Hi nit -- I hope you didn't read my post as criticism. I'm sure you're doing what you have to do for your own peace of mind in your own circumstances. In my case, I avoid even asking clarifying questions because 1. I usually have nothing to gain from the information, and 2. My H thinks that I'm prying into his business, which drives him further away from me. I just wait, and if and when he has something to say or reveal to me, he will. This also allows for a bit more detachment on my part. But that's just what works in my situation, and I certainly understand the urge to seek clarity. It is very hard being in this situation!

[Riley]

Nit,

From what I got out of that it sounds like your W's plan is falling apart. That's good for you and not out of place for id say most WAS's. If its any comfort a WAS acts like a 16 year old spoiled brat - they want financial security, the LBH as a fall back all while going out partying and with no responsibility. This behavior has to be flushed out by the WAS and no other, don't give her anything to appease her. I guarantee that if you stay civil in emails, text, in person she will regret what she does in time. The waking up process takes so much longer than we would like it to, patience is a virtue friend.

Keep your head up and don't get twisted by anything short of a WAS crawling back over broken glass. they will test your resolve by resisting you as well as possibly sexual advances, it really is a sick behavior. Only you know her best, good luck.

[nit84]

Ahoy, No I didn't take your post as criticism.

I always swept things under the rug until something set me off mostly alcohol or my MIL then I would say mean things that I never would say sober. I have taken care of the drinking part and I have no contact with MIL(not my choice) so it is much better.

I now just maybe over think my steps before taking them meaning Maybe I should say something right away when a behavior happens instead of letting it repeat before I mention that I feel it is disrespectful. This where the "doormat" part sneaks in.

The reason I do this is to make sure I have my facts straight. No good comes from getting upset at something that is born from fear or anxiety.

I also, as Riley suggests above, have learned great patience in order to hopefully reach my goal in the right amount of time to give me the greatest chance of a successful ending.

I rarely start a conversation, I let my W do it but when she does is when I try to ask the clarifying questions.

I have maybe a handful of times really wanted to ask my W a question so I did but it is few and far between.

@ Riley I have tried to stay civil as much as I can. I do backslide occasionally with those sarcastic remarks I spoke about above.

I have been labeled as a rescuer by my IMC and I am doing a good job at letting stuff go that in the past I would have tried to control or fix.

Not sure if my W notices this as she was the one being rescued but I notice it and so do other family and friends.

Thanks for posting!!

[sandi2]

My W continues to see the OM and I cant control that it is her choice. It is not a deal breaker for me but I won't live in an open M she knows this and is still on her own journey so she needs to complete that before anything can happen.

You know Nit, I really get tired of hearing men saying....."I can't control that".....and continue doing nothing whatsoever about his own choices and direction, and allows such horrible disrespect from a wayward W. When a man uses it for an excuse or his reasoning behind his own lack of action....THAT is what just too much! Why would you expect any woman to want a H who just lays down and lets her wipe poop all over?

First of all, you say this situation and all that she has done to you is NOT a deal breaker. I am curious as to what WOULD be a deal breaker for you?

Second, you say you won't live in an open M. Of course you will. There's not a doubt in my mind. Because you have been doing it......for how long now?

Ironically, you are still using the same title to your threads, afraid you've waited too long. I agree, you have waited around too long! You are still hoping she will simply change her mind and give you another chance. A wayward W is not your typical lady who has to leave her M. A wayward is mean, cruel, hateful, lying, selfish cheaters who have absolutely no respect. The things you've considered as DBing will have no affect on her.

You sit back as she brings OM's dirty clothes into your home and watch her do his laundry while you try to make chit-chat? Now why wouldn't a gal be attracted to a H like that kind of guy? You have to do more than "pretend" you don't notice. But then you whine to her about why they can't use a laundry-mat. Are you hoping she will feel sorry for you and come to her senses of the strong man she is leaving? Nit, it won't work that way.

Well, I guess I finally had enough. I asked when will she be done washing her clothes because I wanted to do some of mine. She answered with an attitude Why? This caught me off guard a bit and I said because I want to do mine just wondered how long but no worries.

Is that the best you've got?

[nit84]

Thanks Sandi for responding!

I need to ask a few questions if you don't mind so I make sure I understand what you are saying.

"You know Nit, I really get tired of hearing men saying....."I can't control that".....and continue doing nothing whatsoever about his own choices and direction, and allows such horrible disrespect from a wayward W. When a man uses it for an excuse or his reasoning behind his own lack of action....THAT is what just too much! Why would you expect any woman to want a H who just lays down and lets her wipe poop all over?"

Sandi, I thought that one of the main points of DBing was to work on yourself and try and not let what the WAS does affect you? I have made a choice to work on myself for myself. I believe I know some of my part in the failing of my M and have set out to work on this to become a better H. For instance, not yelling at, bullying, demeaning, or demanding it be done my way or no way. This is towards everyone not just my W.

"you say this situation and all that she has done to you is NOT a deal breaker. I am curious as to what WOULD be a deal breaker for you?"

If my W were to become pregnant by someone other than me that would be pretty tough to look past.

"you say you won't live in an open M. Of course you will. There's not a doubt in my mind. Because you have been doing it......for how long now?"

I won't live in an open M, but my W has to want to work on things before I can talk about the steps I will need to feel "safe" in trying to revive our R correct? Things like complete transparency etc.. Until she has completed her journey I have to have patience don't I? I can't say ok enough is enough stop acting like an a$$ get rid of the OM and let get to work saving this M.



"You sit back as she brings OM's dirty clothes into your home and watch her do his laundry while you try to make chit-chat? Now why wouldn't a gal be attracted to a H like that kind of guy? You have to do more than "pretend" you don't notice. But then you whine to her about why they can't use a laundry-mat. Are you hoping she will feel sorry for you and come to her senses of the strong man she is leaving? Nit, it won't work that way."

I admit I should have said something the very first time I discovered this but I didn't. When I used to get angry in the M I didn't handle it correctly. I wouldn't stay on point and would bring up past issues that I knew were very hurtful to my W. Since the S I have tried to keep our argument in the "fight fair" arena. My W knew I was p**sed off about the Laundry. I did say why not use the Laudromat instead of our house because it is disrespectful to me. She denied they were mens clothes. I could have got up and took them out of the washer and proved they were but she has pulled the "I'm afraid of you card" out in the past when I attempted to be somewhat forceful so I didn't need that added into the dynamic again.


Quote:
"Well, I guess I finally had enough. I asked when will she be done washing her clothes because I wanted to do some of mine. She answered with an attitude Why? This caught me off guard a bit and I said because I want to do mine just wondered how long but no worries."

This was weak but I was attempting to be kind about HER laundry. If you read the next paragraph after this one I said well when will you be done with OM laundry, still pretty weak I know but at least she now knows that I know she has been doing his laundry. She apparently doesn't care that I know this so I guess I wait till the next time if there is a next time and then just take the clothes and throw them out the door onto the yard.

I really need help I guess because maybe you are correct when saying the things I consider DBing really aren't or they won't work.

Thank you for taking your precious time to look at my thread. I hope you will keep coming back, I really value your thoughts!