afraid I have waited too long #4

[nit84]

NewB3,

Didn't do a darn thing, I had things to do and we didn't see each other.

She rolled in about 12:30 am and I wasn't jumping out of bed just to wish her a Happy Birthday.

Somewhere down the line I am sure it will be brought up by her that I am uncaring person who couldn't wish a Happy Birthday to her even if the circumstances are what they are.

She will use it to justify why she is not willing to work on the M instead facing the real issues but I cant control that so oh well.

I am to the point now where I want initiate some conversation about the Business side of R only and see if she will explain why she feels the way she does on financial issues.

Maybe I can get a sense if she is totally relying on her L for everything or if some of these moves that are being made are her Ideas.

My feeling is that she is putting a lot stock in her L, which is her right, but I think he may want to drag things out a bit to earn some extra cash. Half of which I will have to pay.

It just seems like if W really wanted to push things along like she has indicated more things would have happened quicker. Now I could go home and there will be D papers and settlement proposals and all but it still seems strange that W is taking this much time to do things.

Everytime she asks or yells for me to do something I have done it. Not because I want a D but because she accuses me of being a roadblock.

3 times now I have told her she was free to leave and I did the things she asked me to do to help in that regard but nothing. She always seems shocked that I do these things and she doesn't like the reality of the numbers so she gets upset and stews about them I suppose.

My track record was not the greatest when it came to quickly doing something she asked me to do but it always got done in time with the exception of fixing up house. That will be done in time also just not in time to save our M most likely.

[nit84]

Reading over some threads tonight and a thought just occurred to me.

This may have been discussed many times over but I don't think I have seen it.

We, as LBS most often get blamed for not seeing how bad our M is and not taking steps to correct it. My W for instance, is good for this one. "How can you walk beside someone for so long and not realize how miserable they are? If you just could have seen my misery sooner maybe things could have been different."

Now W is right in the fact that I did not for whatever the reason see how really "done" she was becoming or maybe I did but whenever I tried to right the ship I did it in the wrong way.
so here we are at this point.

Now could the same not be said for the WAS? Us LBS's have attempted to DB and if we do it correctly. We will have been able to become a person only a fool would leave.

Learned what mistakes we made in the M and our blame for the awful place we are now. We know we can make it on our own but for the moment we are choosing to stand for our M.

Why then can we not turn it around on the WAS and blame them for not seeing the changes/improvements we have made and if they would just have trusted these changes even a microbit then things could turn out different?

I am not suggesting we flaunt our changes to them but it would be nice to figure out a way to allow the WAS to see these changes(if there are truly changes) without telling them.

I know blaming my W will get me nowhere but way back in the recesses of my mind I would love to be able to say " How can you keep ignoring these changes that I am making for myself that is allowing me to become a man that would make a great husband to you again? I wish you could have seen this sooner before more hurtful things have taken place to put our M in further Jeopardy."

Am I completely screwed up?

[MrBond]

"Why then can we not turn it around on the WAS and blame them for not seeing the changes/improvements we have made and if they would just have trusted these changes even a microbit then things could turn out different? "

Because they are already of a mindset to leave. You could turn it around on your W. She'll just look at you and think "so what"? Then you would just get frustrated again.

[Ss06]

I hear what you're saying, nit, and I wonder many of the same things daily. Hourly.

I was always raised to SAY something if I needed something. I'm not someone whose mind needs to be read. If I need help, I ask. If I want a hug, I ask. If I want to go out to dinner, I say so. When I felt like our marriage lacked I spoke up... probably too much. H? He just sat quiet for a year or more stewing in his victimness. He'd say a tiny thing here or there but never elaborate or just say, "nevermind". When someone says nevermind I believe them. I don't do the whole "does he say what he means" bs. I say what I mean and I expect others to do the same. Mind reading makes things complicated and life is too complicated as it is.

So, here I am... because I didn't mind read... yet, I'm reminded daily to not mind read further to get an insight into his actions. It's ironic, to me.

[nit84]

I see your point MrBond and agree 100%,

I was more or less thinking out loud a thought that occurred to me. Never ever intended on doing it. I know it would only lead to more frustration.

SS, I tend to be like you in the respect that I would rather talk about things but my W is like your H. This process of DBing along with IMC has taught me to have a lot of patience and that is a complete 180 for me according to my W. She hasn't said she noticed I have more patience she just used to complain before the S that I was the most impatient person she knew.

Thanks for commenting!!

[nit84]

Been Awhile since I have posted. W is still thinking D I suppose.

She is still here in the house with me though. We are actually talking a bit more like 20 words instead of 10 a day.

She still is going out at odd times and coming home late. Recent intel I received says OM is living in a rooming house since being evicted by his GF, BM or whatever. W is going to have to support him as he doesn't seem willing to get a job. From Conversations I have overheard seems W and OM are coming down from the clouds a bit but not thinking beyond what I hear.

Trying to stay patient seems to be working. Still doing GAL and Detaching as much as possible.

This morning was a bit strange for me. I did my Normal Sunday routine got up, took shower, picked up some coffee and sat outside the church waiting for the service to begin. About 20 mins before the service I got a feeling I should go home. So that is what I did.

When I got here nothing out of the ordinary was going on so I started to read a book and did some laundry.

Whether it is a good Idea or not I am not sure but for about 3 weeks now I have wanted to ask my W a question in a very general sense. The opportunity never really presented itself so I didn't push it.

This morning though was different, I walked up to my W and asked if I could ask her a question. She said in a sighing tone "what"?.

I said " I have been working through some things and I would like to ask in a very general sense, not specific to you or anyone else for that matter, because I value your opinion and you know me better than anyone on this planet " What would make me a better Husband to someone?" I understand it is a loaded question and would appreciate if you could think about it and let me know. I thought I know or knew how to be Husband but Obviously that is incorrect."

I walked away went downstairs and left shortly thereafter for a bit.

But before I walked away I was watching her expression she didn't look up at me but it was an expression that I haven't seen in a long time. It was one of he actually values my opinion.

Maybe I should have stayed aroung a little longer but since I kinda sprung the question on my W I didn't want to seem like I was begging for an answer and I truly do want her to think about it and if she does answer me I hope it is truthful

Either way I will take it as information and nothing else.

Not sure if I should have asked the question or not but I have no 2nd thoughts at all about asking so now maybe she will answer.

Comments?

[wmwb123]

Sorry, I don't mean to hijack, but what do you mean "wife is still thinking D"? You were served D papers according to your sig. What's going on with the D process? I ask, because I was recently served. Not sure what to expect.

[nit84]

nmwb123,

I was served the D complaint papers in Early May, About 2 weeks later I received a Summons to appear in Court for Spousal support. last day in June.

At that hearing it was determined that I had to pay my W spousal support each month till the court said I didn't have to.

This support is designed to allow the supportee to rehabilitate themselves to live on their own and start a new life separate from the M but not yet D.

Then at some point a distribution of assets is sent and negotiations begin after that.

I have not received this yet from my W attorney. My W and I have gone over some stuff together but not much.

That is where I am at right now.

At any Time My W who filed the D can pull them if she desires.

If not the D proceeds once all things are settled.

The actual D decree is served and if we both agree the M is over then we sign and we wait 90 days then a judge dissolves the M unless he/she feels there is special circumstances where the M should not be terminated.

It does take some time to sift through all the details and the only ones who win are the L's.

Until that day comes for me. I am standing for my M and trying to become or remain a man only a fool would leave.

My W continues to see the OM and I cant control that it is her choice. It is not a deal breaker for me but I won't live in an open M she knows this and is still on her own journey so she needs to complete that before anything can happen.

It is very frustrating, confusing, angering and any other feeling you can name except Happy or Loving.

I am working on myself because that is all I control.

I still care and love my W deeply but she doesn't feel that way about me at the moment.

Good Luck in your Sitch and hang in there!!

[wmwb123]

Thanks nit84. I hope your situation comes to a happy resolution, too. I never knew how the D process worked, and I wish I never had to. I have to file my response soon.

[nit84]

Good Luck and Remember to stay strong.

If you want to fight for your M do it.

But also remember to improve yourself for YOURSELF and nobody else.

If you concentrate on you, there won't be much time to worry about your W and whether or not she is Morally correct.

In her mind she is morally correct and that is her right and her feelings. Do not judge her. At some point she may feel different, not necessarily about the M, but about how she is living her life.

Life is full of choices some good and some bad but there are consequences to each choice we make and we must live with them.

We as LBS cannot and should not try to explain or force our beliefs upon our WAS it will lead to heartache and we have already experienced enough of that!

I have been at this DBing for 15 months, I am not always doing the best job but I am working on myself to become a better person for me. I will be fine no matter what and so will you.