WAW still at home, 3 weeks after asking for D

[bdub]

I am still working on boundary vs control. How do I detach when she is still at home? I know she owns too much of my brain, an that her A has set up camp right in the middle of whats left of my heart. I have let my DBing slide alot. I have opened up to one of my best friends and we have been talking about everything. Of course he doesnt understand why I am doing what I am doing. His advise is to "grow a pair" and stand up for myself. Foolishly I started to try some of what he was saying and I certainly regret it now. I am back on my 180s and acting as if, and last night was not as bad as I thought it might be.

[bdub]

Detaching is starting to take hold. I no longer feel the need to be around her when she is home, and I no longer send 5 or 6 texts a day along with the occasional voicemail. This is the tough part because we have to communicate about our schedules, the boys activities, and we how we are splitting things up. Right now I have developed a budget for myself when she goes. Since I have been in charge of the money for so long she has no idea how to budget and she is "leaning" on me to help her. I don't think I will be able to fully detatch until she moves out and I am struggling with that right now.

[MrBond]

So what have you been doing on the GAL front?

[bdub]

Mr. Bond, I have been lacking on the GAL front. The only thing I have done is to talk to my close friends more, and to reach out to some friends that have slipped away a little. Other than that I took the camper to the local campsite with some friends. They have a special running where they allow you to leave your camper on site and can camp for 4 weekends in a row for 1 set price. This really doesnt count because the boys are with me when we camp. In fact the W said she planned on being there with us about half the time. It is fun and relaxing and allows me to get away some. Other than that we have soccer practice, football practice, getting ready for harvest, MC and IC appointments and a few meetings with attorneys. The W's 40th is this weekend and one group of our friends it taking her out Friday and the other is taking her out Saturday. That leaves me with the boys and our friends at the campsite all weekend. I know, excuses excuses. since BD I have been away from the house and the boys 1 evening, from 8-11. I need to get to work on it.

[MrBond]

"This really doesnt count because the boys are with me when we camp."

Why doesn't it count? GAL doesn't just mean going out with your buddies. You take the time to grow by doing activities that will help you to grow intellectually, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

[bdub]

Then I am not giving myself enough credit. I was assuming that GAL meant getting out and working on my social life. Camping with friends qualifies as that I guess. I figure that camping for the 4 weekends at the very least will give her space and allow me to not focus on DB and working on splitting up assets. The only complication is that she will be sleeping in the same bed as I am in the camper. We are both adults and should certainly be able to handle that for one night a week.

I am starting to see that even though so far this week we have done MC, or divorce counseling I suppose, and then the next night went to the attorney that will be doing our dissolusion, every day is getting easier. I have settled into a routine of getting home from running the boys around and sitting on our beautiful "party patio". If laundry needs folded or homework needs done I help with that and then I crack a cold one and sit outside and enjoy the serenity and the quiet of the late evening. The best part is that since I have started this little routine she comes to me to talk if she wants to talk. Before this I was almost following her around the house. Baby steps for both of us?

[MrBond]

GAL is to help you get stronger and become a different, better person. You change the things that your WAS didn't like and show her some new behaviors that make you stand out.

[bdub]

I am doing well at the new behaviors. I am doing laundry, helping with homework, doing some dishes and even some cooking. I have really become less controlling and I have become the king of compromise and validating. Almost to the point where she is sick of me validating. I now speak softly and make eye contact. I dont interrupt and I really listen to her. I ask her how her day was and then later that night or the next morning I bring up 1 specific issue that she told me was important to her. For example she says her day was fine but a co worker really ticked her off. That next morning i would say " I hope things get better between you and co worker" Sadly I cannot 180 what really matters. She is a WAW because I was not there for her emotionally. We became the "2 ships in the night" metaphor. I cannot 180 that with a WAW.

[bdub]

Mr. Bond, thank you very much for your time and input. I read alot of these forums and I see a lot of reallyl good advise you give to others and I appreciate you taking the time to help me with my sitch.

[bdub]

Yesterday was ver uneventful. We actually laid on my bed and watched a few tv shows we had recorded. Only small talk, nothing at all about the R or our S. It was nice. I didnt even read a book when she left. She said goodnight, walked out and I rolled over and went to sleep. This morning she briefly brought up splitting some assets. I bought some gold bars a few years back that are a great investment. Only a few thousand dollars worth. She wants to split them. I offered to keep my coin collection and she could have the gold. Nothing was settled. She then brought up the timing of the dissolusion filing. I am firm on waiting 6 months after she moves out she wants to do it when she moves out. Because of tax issues, unsold commercial propoerties and her A, I am firm on 6 months. I strongly think she needs to be out from underneith the security, shelter, safety, and comfort that I provide. I am thinking about offering to do it in 3 months if and only if she has proven NC with OM for 3 months. That way I will then know for sure she has given the proper focus and attention to what we are about to do. Now, Mr. Bond, and others, 2x4 me and tell me its controlling and serves no purpose. S13 had a soccer game last night while she was with S10 at another practice. She still has yet to ask me or S13 how the game went.