WAW still at home, 3 weeks after asking for D

[SunnyB]

Slow down. Seriously, slow down. It's only been 3 weeks since Monday, not even a month. If you have decided that you're going to stand for your marriage and are going to try to use Divorce Busting to make this happen, awesome.

Read the books, read the forums. I wish I'd been here as early as you.

Ok. Get on the 180s. Make the priorities the ones that address issues she has pointed out having a problem with. Try to remember the guy she fell in love with.

GAL. It'll help you maintain patience.

Don't be so helpful to her in making the divorce happen. Let her face the reality she's creating on her own.

Agree. I'm no vet either, but three weeks is a very short time. My H has stayed 4 months after he first told me he intended to leave. He still says he is leaving soon, is apartment shopping, and he might walk out tomorrow. But he was in my bed last night. Every day that he stays is a chance that he'll see things differently. Don't be in a hurry.

[bdub]

Thank you for the great advice Joe. RPP, I count my blessings every day regarding our housing arrangment. We agreed to a no physical contact in bed rule. However, 3 nights in a row she has slid her leg over touch me, ever so lightly. I see this as our first baby step. I also expect that it will go away, and I am ok with it. I have decided that I really need to work on some mind control. I have been so focused on everything she does, and what it means, that it's driving me crazy. Any ideas on how to work on that?

[bdub]

Yesterday W was going to spend the evening with her SIL. She metioned that she was going to spend the night and asked my opinion.(20 minute drive home) I told her that she had never done that before and the boys might ask questions. She agreed and said she would just come home around 11 or 12. Mid day her plans changed to hanging out with co workers to celebrate the end of summer/school starting. I told her to have a good time and I spent a great evening with the boys. I woke up at 1:30 and she was not home so i sent her a text " it's pretty late, pls let me know you are ok". First communication since noon. She responded half an hour later that she was ok and she was getting ready to head home. When she arrived I asked if she had a good time. We talked briefly and I asked her politely if she could pls let me know if she was going to be out late the next time and she agreed. Thats something we have always done.
Through this whole evening I had done a great job not wondering where she was or who she was with. It would be very very easy to assume she was with OM but I think I may have finally figured out how to control my thoughts well enough to accept what she says and not mind read and jump to conclusions.

[bdub]

Yesterday was a tough day for me. W was dead set on telling the kids things were not right with us so I agreed to tell them. We spent half an hour reviewing a paper our counselor gave us and formulated a plan. We sat the boys down and explained to them some of the basics of what was happening. We are still in the same bed, and we used this opportunity to explain to them that W would be moving into a downstairs bedroom. S10 did not really comprehend and s13 cried and pouted. He eventually opened up and said he hoped this wasnt going to ruin his family. As of this morning he seemed to be in better spirits but seeing the hurt in him really hit deep with me. Naturally with emotions running high W and I continued to talk. She volunteered information to me. She told me she saw the changes I have made and even listed them. She hit on 5 of the 6 180's I have been working on. I can work on everything except the actual reason she is leaving. I have no idea if OM is in the picture, and I guess at this time it does not matter.
I saw a baby step last night, even though it took the pain of telling the boys some of what is going on, to bring it out.

[bdub]

On another topic, I still dont think she is dealing well with her relationship with the OM. I want so bad to talk to her mom and SIL. I think if they knew what was going on they could help her and maybe make it easier for her to see that the OM situation is making it nearly impossible for us to be honest and open while we deal with the kids and getting separated financially. Someone please 2x4 me on this one!!

[bdub]

We cleaned out the spare room and set up a bed frame. The idea was to get a mattress on Sunday. With the kids busy schedules its hard to find time to eat, let alone do anything for ourselves these days. I got a call from W early this evening. She was at a big box store and had bought a mattress for the new bedroom. She could not get it home in her vehicle so its sitting in the store on hold. She asked me if I could get it for her and bring it home. I told her I would let her borrow my truck to get it. I really cant see myself being strong enough emotionally to handle loading up and hauling home her new bed.

[bdub]

Things have been ice cold at home. We are struggling to get 3 sentences out between each other. Trying to get an appointment with an attorney, trying to get 2 rental properties sold, and trying to get 2 active boys to and from sports requires a LOT of communication. She has been pushing me to take the boys camping for a few weekends in september. She jumped to that topic again last night and we finally had a pretty decent 20 minute dialog. Of course I ruined that this morning when she told me she spent $500 on bedding for the new bed going in downstairs. We have 6 pillows upstairs on the bed and now have 3 downstairs. Along with a $ 280 comforter. I explained to her that the comforter on our upstairs bed, that we toss off the end of the bed every night, could be moved downstairs because I would not use it. She informed me she paid for it. I need to stop being so controlling.

[bdub]

Last night and this morning were tough for me. Being the nice guy that I am, I get to go pick up her mattress today so she can have her bedroom downstairs. Even though I know W has to get away, completely away, this step is just the beginning, It does not make it any easier. Very emotional last night and again this morning. Feeling her warm body roll out of our bed for the last time really hit hard. So now its time to suck it up and start standing for my marriage for real.

[bdub]

While soul searching yesterday I came to the conclussion that I could not handle dealing with the separation and with the OM at the same time. I decide to write a letter explaining my feelings and describing why I could not handle everything that has been put on me and still be peaceful, calm and collected. I asked politely that we establish a ground rule that we be home by 12 or 1 when we go out, so that the other could sleep and function properly. We have never been night owls and getting home at 3 am is totally new to both of us. With the boys still in the house I felt that it was important to all of us that we continue some source of normalcy. It is a big change that we are both going out separately, let alone coming in at 3am. I even mentioned that I am not asking for specifics, or that we even exchange information. She rejected my boundary and became angry with me because I was being controlling. I told her that I could not hold it all together emotionally if this boundary was not honored. Honestly, dealing with the separation,the OM and her being at home is too much. The stress from the OM could be almost completely eliminated if she would honor my boundary of coming home at a decent time. The discussion became heated and she said she needed to get out and I agreed. The place she wants to live is not available for at least 3 weeks, and we can't afford it anyway without the car being paid off. This morning I texted her the payoff for the car and she said she would talk to her mom about it. Since the time table for her leaving the home has been moved up from Nov.1 to 3 weeks from now, I told her that I was cancelling this weekends camping trip and that I we should sit down with the boys tonight and tell them more about our situation. She didnt seem to want to change her plans so I told her that I would talk with them myself but I hoped she would be there to present a united front. From day 1 we have said our goal was to make this as easy as possible for the boys and as "friendly" as possible for us. Meaning we would divide assets and set joint custody through a dissilusion and not a divorce. Since I have recently had this all dumped on me and it has destroyed me physically and mentally I think it is VERY important to inform the boys in small doses so they have time to process and adjust to each bit of information. So we will see if she comes home after work or goes out. Either way I have established a boundary with consequences and I am willing to stand by it. I am still focused on making it easier for the boys and making it civil for us at this time.

[MrBond]

She's right. You were controlling. Those weren't boundaries you stated. They were actions meant to control hers because YOU felt that you couldn't deal with this.

You can. You have to stop telling her that she NEEDS to do something or else you are going to go crazy, etc. That puts stress on her and makes her want to run away even faster.

Despite what she is doing, it's important to understand that YOU are the one destroying yourself physically and mentally. YOU have control over that. That's why the GAL is important. Get your mind off of her and back onto you. Get yourself healthy first.

You can do it.