This is terrifying - I hope you understand

[jpLove]

I hope it still works out for you!

[Shakspr]

And the word of the day is... Detach. I was trying too many of the early techniques in DR when I should be LRT'g. I know, experimentation doesn't hurt. And while the W isn't angry with me right now, she is defensive. She's doing all she can to be somewhere else when I'm home.

I got the kids and oldest D out of the house Saturday nite b4 she came home. I didn't try R talk, just told her I miss her and I want to know what's on her mind. No doors were shut, and this was definitely a 180 for me, making time for just her and me. But, not surprisingly, she suspected I had an agenda. I simply told her I had no expectations, hadn't spent much time around her, and wanted to know how things were with her. We talked workout stuff and job hunting, as well as SS15 homeschool schedule. And I cleared up some concerns she still had about our disagreement last Monday. But I did pursue some, telling her that I still have hope, that I still think the our marriage can be healed, and asked her if I was foolish to think that. She said no, but wasn't real pleased with what I wanted to talk about.

I am pretty successful in not puppy-doggying (I ended the conversations we did have naturally and walked away...she followed me three times Sat and Sun after I thought we were done to continue the convo.) Then she accused me of being too "in her face all the time." She says she's not comfortable when I'm home (heh, that's not surprising, as there's no way she's completely happy with this decision.) I asked her if I was doing something to make her feel that way. She said no, but just because you're being nice now doesn't mean you will be 2 weeks before the D. She mentioned she's seen it before (well, she's certainly got D experience on her side - twice before me!) She said she doesn't wish any bad stuff on me, as that wouldn't help our kids any, and I don't deserve that. She even expressed concern that I would turn from faith. (Not freaking likely!) I told her that Christ was my only hope for healing, and he can heal anything, including our situation. I didn't throw the obvious hypocrisy in her face.

Anyway, I re-read some of the GAL and LRT portions of DR, and think that I went overboard pushing too hard. Patience is not one of my virtues. But the clock is ticking, and Oct. 20 (D finalization) will be here sooner than later.

Finally, I screwed up. Left early from home this AM and left DR on the nightstand. She will see it. I didn't do it on purpose, or subconsciously, just left the house at AM to hit the gym and left it there. How do I proceed? Put it away when I get home and not mention it? Or address it openly whether she asks about it or not? I KNOW IT'S NOT FOR HER RIGHT NOW! But she's snoopy.

[Nitty]

So I'm not the only one who messed up this weekend. Retreat! RETREAT!

So we regroup. Put the DR away when you get home.

That letter would make any normal woman's heart melt, but our spouses aren't normal right now. So hide that, too!

Shakespr, this is the toughest thing we've ever done. I didn't have to do chemo when I got the big C, but I bet this is even harder than chemo. We're bound to stumble, especially when a big deadline looms like Oct 20.

I've got Mr. Gritty and me on every prayer list in town. I hope you've done the same. Unfortunately, we've got to remember that the answers to our prayers may not be what we want. Really, I'm not feeling good about your W being D previously. It's like what Pilot said. She's done it before.

[Shakspr]

DR was on the floor last night when I got home. So, I know she saw it...whether she read any of it or not will be a forever mystery.

I'll be back later with some questions I intend to pose to my DB coach - I only have one session left and no more easily liquid cash. Want to make the most of it.

For instance, how do you set micro goals that don't run counter to LRT - she's filed and is marching forward with a smile on her face. For gosh sake, she's asked me to help her with her resume' tonight.

[Shakspr]

Potential questions for DB coach, 'cuz I am lost or failing in these areas. Y'all weigh in if you can:

1) How do I handle cake-eating (before & after D)? Automotive? Resume' improvements? Access to the house? Moving her out? (Basically, any request for help that doesn't directly affect the kids - i.e. we will be living close together geographically, I insisted, so I intend to take on half the child "sick days" where someone would need to stay home with them.)

2) GAL? How far do I go with kids, 8, 12, 15 in the house? How much should I be taking them with me? Do I simply need to be absent more?

3) What are good goals/microgoals, when the D date is 10/20? I'm still doing Love Languages things w/mixed response (affirmation always works, touch - she's a little wary) Should I go dark (excepting child care stuff?) Do I tell her I want to create distance or just do it?

4) DB Post-divorce. What special provisions apply?

5) How do I communicate that I am not OK with this D while making my life better and seeming happier? Detach more/be more distant? How do I avoid being rude when asked, "Is something wrong?"

6) I'll be her third divorce, and though we lasted 3x as long as the other two put together, she seems to have a playbook. My being decent is an unexpected benefit to her, as far as I can tell. How do I overcome her cake eating enjoyment without being unnecessarily rude?

[MrBond]

I know you have the book, but did you actually read it and take notes?

For all of the above, do what you feel is right. Be polite but don't give in or accept the things she does to you if they are negative. For example, for her resume, you can help her if you feel like it and don't see it as her using you.

You have already told her that you are not supporting the D correct? Then nothing more needs to be said. If she asks if something is wrong, then you tell her that you are not okay with the D and are taking steps to get your life in order. You don't need to give her any other explanation.

Spend time with the kids and be the best dad you can.

I don't see where she's "cake-eating". She doesn't love you and so doesn't have an attachment to you. You still "expect" her to do and act as if she were your W and any actions contrary to it, you seem to call "cake-eating".

[Shakspr]

Mr. Bond:

Thank you for a very mild 2x4. The only thing I can add is that I suppose I resent being asked to do things that I think a husband should do, but I wouldn't do for just anyone. I want her to find a good job; resume' help is certainly OK (and something that I have offered others.)

I am concerned that her D playbook is impossible to crack. But that is just me having expectations. And I should know better.

My only disagreement with your analysis is that she often acts as if she is still my wife (makes dinners that I like, asks me how my day was, etc.); I need to understand that she is just trying to keep it civil (much like myself, but for differing reasons), mostly child-related.

[MrBond]

"I resent being asked to do things that I think a husband should do, but I wouldn't do for just anyone."

Like what?

"My only disagreement with your analysis is that she often acts as if she is still my wife (makes dinners that I like, asks me how my day was, etc.)"

In what way are those "wife" related? So she makes dinner for you and your kids. So what? So she asks you how your day was. So what? She doesn't have FEELINGS for you any more. Or at least in that way.

You should actually be counting your blessings that you don't have one of the WAS's that go on a full slash and burn and makes you the enemy and goes out of her way to destroy you.

[Shakspr]

...and MrBond breaks out a somewhat larger 2x4.

I do count my blessings. You have given me plenty to think about, which is also a blessing.

If you get down do it, I resent being left behind. I am angry to the point of apoplexy at having my family ripped apart and being expected to just take it. I hate having this stranger inhabit my W's space - a stranger who is so set on D that she sees no downside to it. I suppose I need to go find my big boy pants, since DB'g isn't for the weak of heart or mind.

So, she doesn't love me anymore. And what I think of as "coming to her senses" is anathema to her current mindset.

Got a workout in this morning. I simultaneously love and hate the pool. (Gotta work on that leg kick)

[Shakspr]

Nothin' much going on here. GAL'g, DB'g. Internalizing the fact that I am already divorced, and as far as W is concerned, have been since as much as a year ago.

That actually makes it easier. I can be more consistent from now u/t the state of TX says the D is final. Whatever I have from this point forward, with or without W, will be a new thing entirely. We will simply have a shared history to learn from or discard as we see fit. However, life is multi-layered. Read on.

Joked/flirted with W last nite. She is working out and looking better than she has in years (so am I). She asked me how she looks. I said pretty damn good and her new "take-charge" attitude is attractive regardless of the other stuff going on. She smiled, and later was lingering (fully clothed) in the bedroom after she took a shower. She said, "Do I really look that much better." I said, "It is taking all my self-control not to act exceedingly male right now." Smiles again. And when I said, "Hey, any time you want to cheat on your D with your husband, I know a guy." She laughed, "Like an affair...ooh." We touched hands only and she left.

I lost sleep over that moment, but it was worth it.