This is terrifying - I hope you understand

[Shakspr]

Read DR. Former Army officer, solution oriented.

This is W's third marriage, my first. I adopted her oldest daughter, now 21, when we married (wife was a victim of a sexual assault, chose life.) She has one son from her first marriage in college and one from her second marriage living with us, age 15. He's great. Wife was orphaned/left at Christian Children's home at 13. Her father died at 6 and her Mom just didn't care to be a parent. I met wife when we were in HS. Reconnected when I was stationed at Fort Sill. Both my parents are alive and divorced when I was an adult. I grew up with average level of dysfunction.

Anyway, marriage has endured two custody cases (we WON the most recent which ended 8/2013), and a house fire. Oldest daughter has had quite a bit of counseling to deal with her origins - and it didn't work. First thing I need to admit - she knew that her mom's first husband was not her father. She pressed hard (at age 11!) to know what was up. I blurted it out, because part of my personality is that truth is the best medicine for everything. I was wrong, and it wasn't my place.

W has had a major Christian revival <irony> through the past 6 years. I was not as committed. Realized about 1.5 years ago that if I didn't change my stance on Christ, my marriage would soon be over. So I gave God a real try (that was terrifyng - because, what if it didn't work) and now I'm in his arms completely. Abandoning my preconceived notions and diving into belief has been amazing. I have made huge strides since last November in improving ME.

But I couldn't get this marriage to work right. I kept figuring that it would improve organically as everything else had. Reading through the boards, it seems that my wife and I have some form of codependence that has damaged us both. Also, after reading "When Sorry Isn't Enough" by Gary Chapman, here are the things I admitted to W in a letter before she dropped the DB (but after she told me the marriage is essentially over) Most, if not all of these, happened over a year ago (except #9, which was, not surprisingly, about sex):

1. Failing to defend you before my immediate family
2. Discussing our problems with others in a way that cast you in a bad light
3. Making jokes about your circumstances, education, divorce, or my stepchildren in such a way that it belittled you
4. Time and again ignoring or dismissing your ideas, often in a demeaning way.
5. Making you feel lesser because I didn’t respect your opinions
6. Failing to realize that the situation with your ex-husbands was made worse by me. Because we married, you were separated more than ever before from Ryan, and Brandon put us through incredible difficulty (that I blamed on you!) when we were fighting for custody of Jacob through the first four years of our marriage. While I am not at fault for the actions of others, I take responsibility for my insensitivity and anything I said or did to make things even worse
7. When we lived in Wheeling (2001), I mocked your desire to seek a close relationship with God – and made it worse by becoming angry when you asked me to join you. Calling you a holy roller and saying I wanted no part of that kind of life was inexcusable. I didn’t know how bad that was then. Nonetheless, had I put your needs and your heart before my own selfishness, I would have apologized immediately rather than trying to justify myself.
8. I specifically need to address the comment I made regarding getting your education completed before having kids. I should never, for even a moment, have thought that was a topic for joking. This was exacerbated by me doing it in front of another man. I will never do such a thing again. If I catch myself doing it, I’ll send everyone home, and immediately make amends, admit my wrongdoing, repent of such behavior, make restitution by apologizing publicly (later, after reconciling privately), and ask your forgiveness as well.
9. Escalating an already bad situation. If I am hurting, that does not give me the right or privilege to punish you by returning the hurt. I see that was a huge mistake. The answer to our problems is more communication, not two days of the cold shoulder.

WHERE WE ARE NOW:
DB 8/6: We were in a public place - I thought that she was ready to begin working on things based on my commitment to change and evidence supporting same. I reacted poorly.
Read DR 8/7-8/8; on the boards reading vets stuff
Took control of my own responses to her declarations - put a smile on, work out, take time to really enjoy the kids and no more "knee-jerk" reactions

She started in 8/7 with her desire for an amicable parting. I said little. She said that based on my behavior since the DB (I was MUCH more together on 8/7, despite zero sleep), she expected this to go smoothly. I validated her, stating that I would not fight her on anything, and agreed with her that lawyers have already got enough of our hard-earned money. She suggested a number of things, 50/50 custody, little child support, short-term alimony, no going after my 401K, leaving me in the house, just wanted to take her things and car. I said, if that's what she wants, she was welcome to do whatever she needed to do. I told her I knew she was serious, but restated my baseline position. I do not want a divorce. She refuses a temp separation because that crushed her legally after first marriage.
8/8 Work, then Pool party with kids at swim team. Went together, no prob. Got up next AM, worked out with youngest daughter.
8/9 In AM, W wanted to talk; I said I wasn't ready. Would talk in the evening. Flat out told her that I was GAL'n. Response: "That's kind of a mean thing to say." Took kids to friends house and did some DR reading while they swam and goofed off. This is one of 3 friends that I have told. All have been told that I am trying to repair this marriage. Badmouthing my wife is not an option. That night, told her "I will not lift a single finger to dismantle this marriage. You'll have to do that on your own." I validated that I would never harm her or the kids financially and she was welcome to do whatever she felt like she needed to do, but I wasn't going to help her. That segued into an opportunity - I thought - to let her know that regardless of what happened next, I was committed to being a better man, that my words and deeds had precipitated this mess. She replied that it wasn't just me, and then she tearfully told me she had opened a credit card line without me AND had taken $8,400 out of our home equity line of credit, but hadn't touched it. She did it "just in case" I lost my mind. Normal me would have flipped out. I just calmly responded,
"I'm not surprised."
"You think that little of me?" she said.
"Nope, I've given you reason to fear my reactions at times"...
(with a smile)"but, in your position I would have done the same thing, only done it over 2 years and it would be $20K".
"Well, I'm not that cold or calculating."
"Yeah, only I have never considered doing it at all."
Rest of conversation ended organically. I left. I fooled myself into believing she was beginning to see the real me.

8/10 The danger of hope. It's my b-day. Went to church with her, trying to keep it normal with the kids. She agrees, since she's basically trying to craft the perfect divorce. Came home, made lunch together, had laughs with the kids at the table (she was part of all of this.) Watched movie with the kids in the family room. Came out and she wanted to talk. Said she had been on computer ALL afternoon filling out forms and wanted my opinion on some joint custody techniques, as well as DIY divorce papers using a paralegal, etc. WTF DOES SHE WANT TO GO SO FAST!!! I responded coolly, but cordially to her questions basically telling her it was her move. Then I went to my room to research LRTs and figure out what to do next. She came in, asked for my driver's license, I said "What for?" "Papers" "What papers?" "The ones I'm filling out." I gave her my wallet and got ready to leave. Got the wallet back, went for a drive. Returned to wife asking me why I'm barely speaking to her as I walked through the house. Told her I would be happy to talk to her tomorrow, but now wasn't such a good time. "What are you so mad about?" Reiterated that now wasn't such a good time and, well, here we are.

Sorry for the epic. There's more (we did homeschool, she wanted to go back to work - LVN, I reluctantly agreed back in June) (MR ALERT) As long as I act happy and confident, she is happy - just seems to think I am adjusting to the idea and might even like it. When I get a little cool about discussing the mechanical details of the divorce itself, she seems thrown off/angry about my detachment.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Shakspr]

Thanks, moderator. I just talked to DB coach but still am open to any input you guys have on my sitch

Shakspr

[Shakspr]

So, my attitude was not so hot last night. Created a bit of tension when I was going to church with the kids and she wanted to stay behind. At least she was looking at job opportunities (I found her resume' for her) and not filling out DIY divorce paperwork.

Long day at work today...but my blessings are many. Mom got out of ICU from surgery and my D21 is home for a long weekend while she transitions to a new apartment closer to us. I look forward to seeing her, but am uncertain how W wants to explain our separate sleeping arrangements.

Shakspr

[Roberta]

I am sorry that you are in this situation. At this point, I urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. Our coaches specialize in helping you keep your family together, focus on your goals, and come up with a plan of action to get your marriage back on track. Call me to dicuss our Divorce Busting Coaching program 303-444-7004.

[Shakspr]

Roberta:

I am on the DB coaching plan. Had first session yesterday with DB coach. Looks like I have the basic plan in order, just seeking support and encouragement from those who may have insight.

And this is more productive than staring off into space at work.

Best,
Shakspr

[Nitty]

Shakspr, sorry you're going through all of this at once, your W and your mom. Just wanted to let you know somebody recognizes you're in a bad spot.

Hang in there. I find comfort in reading other people's threads, because it helps keep me sane. Just knowing other people are dealing with crazy MLC spouses, too, seems to help because it means we're not alone.

[pilot]

Keep posting Shakspr. The more you post, and the more you participate in other people's postings, the more input you get. It might take awhile for your post to become active, but rest assure, people are reading, and will chime in when they have something to offer.

Best of luck to you...

[bashy]

He Shakspr, pilot is right. Read many of the threads and participate when you can. It will help you and others. My thoughts are with you!

[Shakspr]

Thanks to all who have responded, (and read my minor opus.)

It has gotten pretty bad, pretty fast. W filed divorce petition yesterday. Handed me all the uncontested divorce stuff today. She is offering me a pretty sweetheart deal all things considered. After 14 years of marriage she could be asking for more in alimony than she'll get in child support. She wants none of it, just her car and half my 401K up to this point (which isn't all that much.) 60/40 visitation (basically extended weekends 1/3/5.) Time with my stepson(from her 2nd marriage)because even she sees me as a good Dad. I've been in the SS15's life since he was one.

I mention all this to say, she isn't spiteful or hateful. She just can't see a future for us. I know this isn't pure DB/DR technique, but since part of the problem was that I didn't show enough emotion at the right times, I was very emotional today. NOT loud. Just...well...vulnerable. She understands, says she's hurting too and she "didn't just come to this conclusion overnight." I did let her know that if she decides to change her mind, that I will only be overjoyed. I live in the present and the future. Lord knows my WAW can't remember any of the good stuff from the past right now.

I know miracles happen. I am still committed to our marriage. But if I contest this, the only party who gets a good deal is a couple of lawyers. So I am trying to be more than equitable and develop a friendship that will allow us to co-parent well. Again, trying to show my best sides. But guys, she's almost definitely walking. I can only hope (1% of 1%!!!) that a day comes when she points her feet back my way.

Shakspr