My W and I spent the day together we went to several places and enjoyed each others company. Starting to get use to letting her talk and start conversations. She said that she needed to get a birthday cake for me and she did. The kids were outside playing so we ate dinner together on the couch watching tv. She then invited the kids down to watch TV together this was one of my first goals to get her out of the bedroom where she isolated herself.
W and I had a talk and she told me that she is having a hard time with talking about our R. She said that the areas that allow her to talk have dried up. I told her I understand and that if and when she was ready to talk she it would be there to listen.
No, I did not. Did a lot of reading on it and it was 50/50 on what to do. She never cheated so I am just taking it as her talking to a friend. On another note she called and asked if she could come home today after we went to the gym. She has a business trip and wanted to spend time with the kids and I before she leaves.
Picked W up from the train station yesterday. We went to the gym and after she asked if she could get a pedicure . I said sure and took her to a place near where our son was practicing football. After her nails were done we picked up our son and headed home. We got home and I fixed dinner. We talked in bed until she fell asleep. We slept close to each other and she didn't tell me she was hot and to move over. Got up this morning and took her to the train station. She told me she loved me and she went to work. I have been trying to be patient with her and I think it's working. I have also tried to be a gentleman with her and that also seems to be having good results she allows me to help her in and out of the car which requires me to touch her. I have been getting more intimate with these gestures bit not going to far, trying to stay out of the friend zone.
W is back home for the night and she seems to be in a bad mood. I asked her if she is alright and she said that she was tired. I left it at that and didn't push, I stayed in the room and read and talked with her when she talked. She also seemed a little upset when I said that when the kids go back to school I will also be going to work.
So, I am noticing that my W has cut down on communication last week. I am hoping it's just because she has been busy with work. If it was just me then I could understand but she has only spoken to the boys when she is at home. She also has been a little snippy in some conversations. Therapist. Thinks that she may be thinking about what she has done to her family and is starting to regret her decision. I am trying to stay positive and don't show her that these things are affecting me. Following DB and 5lls seems to be making progress but it's hard to tell with no feedback from W. Kids are starting fall sports and trying to reconnect with W and keep the kids happy is a struggle to do alone.
Hi Gotan, so what made think there was an OM and an EA taking place? Your W left you, and you think there is an EA, she is the bread winner, why did she ask you if she could have a pedicure? Maybe you could give us a little more detail here.
Also, maybe you could put a little more detail in your tagline so others can more easily follow along. Any progress on cutting back with your kid's sports?
As far as the OM and the EA there is a guy at work she texts and talks to. I know that it is rarely about work but she said it is. I guess she turned to him because I was less then receptive in the past.
As far as the pedicure I should have said she asked if I could take her to get a pedicure.
It's football season son the S that played the most sports is in high school now. It's less travel for me and all I have to do is drop him off. He is still going to play club lacrosse.
The younger S is not playing club lacrosse which is now a problem we are dealing with. I explained to the boys it was a lot but they said they enjoyed it and no matter how I phrase it the older of the two blames his mother and is also influencing his younger brother.
The sports was a lot in the spring but it would have been a lot better with help. I am not blaming her for this but she never really realized the things she wanted to do with the kids is not the same thing the kids wanted to do.
Hi Gotan, what makes this really difficult is that you two are tied to the hip, because you have to drive her around. It's hard to truly detach because of the kids, and your driving her around.
So I read your posts and I do not see much progress. If she has OM there to meet her emotional needs, then there is not much that she needs you for is there?
Have you read DR? It talks about doing things that work, and doing less of what doesn't. Maybe when she gets back to town shake it up and do something different such as not go to the gym with her. What do you think about this?
I have read the books and I am doing what I can to detach. The thing is she can drive but she asks me to, also one of the things I did learn when I tried to detach more was she expressed that she felt all alone again. From what my therapist and some of the older posters on this site belive is that she is depressed. I also needed to reconnect with her so she can remember what it was like when we did things together. So I give her choices and let her have more control and although it seems that there is no progress I do see some. We had a stale relationship for a long time and while it was not confrontational it was not good. So now we talk a lot when she is home, I am probably over thinking the lack of communication she called right after my last post and we talked for a while. Her cell phone is really bad and she explained that she needed a new one. I knew the cell was bad but didn't even think that was the reason. Even though it has not moved on to more romantic touching she let's me touch her now without the don't tou h me looks. So all in all I should be happy with the progress but I just want my W home.
Oh and believe me all the changes I have done has really shaken up our relationship. I don't think she thought I would change at all or keep up with the changes. So I go day by day and she always asks if I went to crossfit I know my health was a big concern for her.
W came home from business trip and was very tired. So I was being supportive by giving her some space. With her being gone on two trips it feels as though the progress we made has regressed some. She is quite but it may be from fatigue. So I am just going to see how this weekend goes.
W was very tired so she slept in. Went to the mall to get her phone fixed with the kids. She actually let me hold her hand for a little while. She is also calling me honey and darling again. We are getting closer but I still have a very long way to go.
So I have been applying what I have learned through the books and this site. I think things are getting better, I have started to write my W letters like we use to do. Our S14 has lacrosse tryouts for a club team today and she was not happy about it. I talked to her and explained that she could go and we could drop him off (tryouts are at his school and I know a lot of the parents and trust them so they will let me know if there are any problem) . I am going to try and talk with her about this today and maybe see if we can agree to anything. If any of the vets are reading this some help. The techniques in the book are helpful but it's hard to apply to my stitch. It's been three months and I know that is a very short time to try to deal with this I just hope I am on the right rrack. Lately she seems to be frustrated with me over little things is that normal? My therapist thinks this is a good thing because she is starting to feel again and show emotions. I have no clue and I don't want to push her. So when she gets frustrated I tell her if she needs to talk I'm here. I also walk away when things become to emotional for me. She starts to tell me things and stops in the middle of the sentence and says never mind. In the past few weeks this has been increasing in volume. Do you guys think she is starting to open up? I keep hoping that she will start talking to me again, I think when she does we can start working on the problems. I let her know I appreciate the time we spend together and while she still makes not plans other than going to the gyn, the mall and Target we spend this time together. I have been saying to her that if she wants to use the car she can and she still tells me she wants me to drive. I am trying to shake things up but I don't know it seems like when she is not thinking about us being seperated things are better. I can see when she calls me honey she almost stops and thinks I can't do this anymore. I don't think we are further apart but I guess I should be happy with progress measured in inches instead of feet.
Also I have been following Sandi2's advice and most of the rules. I have a question about gifts thought. In the 5LL book her ll is gifts, so I have given her a few small things. The things that I got her she wears and says that she loves. Is this ok? I'm not getting these things to buy back her love but because I think she would like them. I tell her that when I give them to her also, "saw this blank and I thought you would like it".
Today I got offered a job which I took. When I got back we went to the gym and worked out. We then had lunch and picked up S14 for a lacrosse tryout. The difference this time was W went with us. While the tryout happened I took W to a few stores and she seemed happy. After tryouts took S14 home and picked up S10 and S11 and took them to the pool. W and I sat together and talked and read while the kids swam. Took kids home and we went to a few stores for some things and went home. I fixed dinner for her and she said thank you it was good. This weekend was like we were a family again. Things are better but still unable to talk about R but my 180 seems to be having an effect. I still have doubts about if this is working but she still comes home.
All of this giving you're doing... of small gifts, time, effort, cooking, driving, shopping, etc... how are YOU filling your well? How are you taking care of you??!!
I am excited about the job perfect hours and close to the kids schools. I do take care of myself last night I went and saw the Ravens beat the Redskins. I really do enjoy spending time with my W. She has always been my best friend and I think she missed me spending time with her. I also go out with friends and go to the movies. It's hard to fill my well because I want her to touch me very badly but I am happy just being able to touch her a little at a time. She let me rub her legs a little today. As always it's like she is fine with it and then realizes what's going on and stops me.
I'm not a vet but I want to remind you that while W has OM, you shouldn't be fulfilling her needs AT ALL. Let her get all that from OM. You need to protect your heart because her letting you rub her legs a little is giving you hope and that might not be healthy. Don't let her lean on you so much. I know that's easier said than done but you're giving a lot... and she's taking a lot.
I got it. A big part of her problem was unmet needs. As far as her EA it may not even be real just me panicing. She is starting to talk to me more and starting to ask me to do things that she had stopped doing.
She asked me to go to the gym and I would take her and go to sleep in the car. Same thing with the pool and stores. She just wanted to spend time together and I would sit in the car.
I thought the same thing at first but a few vets and my therapist all belive she is depressed. She will not seek help so we all agreed that when she is home to make it as pleasant as possible. She was under a tremendous amount of stress and unmet needs. So my wife and I needed to reconnect and that's what I am working on just trying to have fun with my W again.
So I thought the night was through when my wife asked what the schedule for this week looked like. I told her a lot of things were in Flux. She said she wanted to help with things this week because the kids are going back to school. I told her that I was going to take care of it and she didn't need to worry. I then went downstairs and spent time with S11. Later when I came back to our room I told the W she could help any way she wanted, and explained how I had always taken care of these things so she didn't have any extra stress. When I went to bed she seemed a little sad, I think me communicating why I am doing somethings is working. I think she is starting to see that things I did was not to hurt her but to keep her from stress. I don't know how long extra she is staying but any is good.
W spent an extra night saying that she was tired. A few weeks ago she would not have done this. She asked to spend the night and I let her know she didn't need to do this and that this is her home. She said that she didn't do that for me and she said that I needed space. I told her I never asked for space. She said thanks and we talked some before she fell asleep. When I took her home she asked if I was going to the gym. I told her I didn't think so I wanted her to have some space. W called today and asked if I was going to the gym and I told her no again, she said if I was coming could I drop some paint off. I don't want to mind read but does this sound like she is trying to get me to come see her. She has these rules she set up in her head and they make me feel like I am beating my head on a wall.
W called and asked if I was going to the gym because she had left some things at home she needed. She knows that I had a busy afternoon with the kids so trying to 180 from what I use to do I made arraignments for the kids to be taken care of. I took her things to the gym and she seemed happy to see me and wanted to know if I was staying. I had worked out earlier so I just rode a stationary bike. After she was done we went and had a light dinner and I dropped her off at the light rail stop. On my way home she sent me an article that she thought I would like which is new for her. Again I have no clue if he things I am doing are working I know they are not getting any worse.
So I didn't see W today was very busy with kids. She called and spoke with me a few times during the day. She also said again if I was busy she would come and stay with the boys. This is new her wanting to help with the kids. I think she is starting to miss the family.
Spoke with W today. She said she wanted to talk about the kids schedules and to see if she could help. I said that I didn't know and that she was never here before so I think we are ok without her She said ok and hung up, thinking back on what I said I could have said it better and called to apologize. She said that I had said it before and it stung. We talked a little about that and I said we could talk more about it but I didn't know. I told her that I was not ready to get into this at this time and she said ok. I don't remember how we got on the subject but she told me that when she appears sad and I ask her what's wrong she said that it was because she feels like she is in limbo. She wants her own place but realized that is not going to happen. She also said it was some thing I couldn't fix and I said I understand and was he there for her. She also said that she liked spending time with me but was waiting for the other shoe to drop if things didn't meet my expectations. I told her that I didn't have any. I said that I was working on me and loved spending time with her and that I go day by day.
Picked W up from the train station. I can tell she is really tired talked a little but let her rest. I think she is really confused about what is going on in her life.
I don't have any expectations but I have a lot of hope.
When it came to a lot of the hard conversations in o M I would shut down. My 180's has been in conversations with the W and how I deal with emotions. She's been waiting for me to snap and get angry and I don't . I think that when we talked about the kids yesterday and I said this is a conversation I am not ready to have at this point was different than I'm not talking about it. The first she said ok I understand the second was why can't you talk to me.
So I am ok with this even though she says her feelings are not changing . I go day by day and just try to make her happy. I don't know if it's working but I went from I don't want to be with you anymore to I enjoy spending time with you. So with that and the fact that she says she loves me I keep trying to build positive times with her and support. Little by little she is opening up.
So I had a busy morning most of the things had to be done before the W got up. Took S19 to work at 5 and then took S14 to school for football practice. Came hame and fixed W breakfast in bed. Then I went to my first day at work. Talked to W about going to S11 football game she said she wanted to go but it was to hot and humid. After the game came home and took W to gym she seems better today and we coated in the car. She did most of the talking which is becoming more and more frequent.
This weekend has been a little difficult for me. While W is here and talking she has been a little sad. I'm not trying to fix it just let her know that if she needs me I am there for her.
Got to work and they gave me extra hours today. Emailed W and told her I would be late. Traffic was horrible and I was late home. She was upset but acted like she wasn't . I apologized for what happened. What should I do to deal with this situation? I'm downstairs and she is in the bedroom should I give her some space?
So W said I didn't have to apologize it was the first day there and she understood. She seems to be trying not to go anywhere this weekend. I'm worried it is part of her plan for this separation. I will see what tomorrow brings.
I explained that the apology was not for being late from work as she said that was out of my control but for being inconsiderate and not calling and letting her know. After that she seemed to be a little happier we watched some tv and talked.
You asked me to drop by and take a look at your thread. One thing I want to warn you about is not making this all about winning her back. You are really focused on it, as obvious in your posts. Reconciling the M should be your hope, of course. Whenever so much effort, time, and attention is spent in getting the WAW back, then it is easy to fall back into those old comfortable patterns once she is back.
In the stories I remember of LBH'S who busted the divorce and then had to return to the board a second time........they all confessed they stopped working on themselves and the old behaviors returned. Even those who SWORE it would never happen b/c their changes were for no other reason but to improve themselves. Yet, in spite of claiming the changes were for life, they had to admit that once they won back the W, it was just to easy to slip backward.
I can understand, b/c it is the nature of the man. Just as many women try to look their very best before M, only for the man to see what she really looks like later.
I just don't want to see you showing up again.......after the M has been reconciled. It is important that you grow as an individual during this process. Turn some of that focus inward and challenge yourself a bit. Set some personal goals that have nothing to do with getting your W back home. Tell us what they are.
List the changes you are working on now. Not all directed toward the M, but rather improving yourself as a man. You know, just as some women can lose their identity b/c their lives are so inmeshed with their children......I have seen several SAHD who seem to do the same thing. In your attempts to take the burden off your W, perhaps you took too much. It's not easy for some of us to keep life well balanced.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think that's what I have been doing. I told myself, and everyone else who would listen, it was all about personal development and any reconciliation would be a bonus, but three months down the line I'm back to square one and I have to start again ... properly.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
I understand totally, one of my fears is slipping back into any of the negative behavior that lead to this. I do try to better myself as much as time allows. I went back to work, and I enjoy my job. I am also looking after my own health and have lost a ton of weight and added muscle. The woman I want to see the difference has said little about this, other women have noticed and commented on how good I look. I am also thinking about going back to school to finish my Masters.
I have been doing what I think works and sometimes it seems to be going great, but this weekend has been a rollercoster.
I have also taken up CrossFit, akido, and jujitsu. I enjoy the classes a lot.
So now I have been doing these things but I have also let my W know that she and her opinions matter. I try to get her to finish her sentences instead of going never mind. I also give her space when she says she can't talk about it. She has also been asking if she can help more with the kids which I think is great. She also wanted to use the car today and drive herself which is also good.
I understand how easy it is to fall back into the negative behavior that brought us to this point. I have made he changes and keep working with the kids to keep them in place. A lot of the changes do make my life easier.
I also understand that we have to keep things a little fresh so we don't fall back into these routines. I just try to make my families life better and I think it's working. I also understand this is going to take a long time and I have just started.
Correct me if I'm wrong, I get the impression you have not put together a precise plan of action. It's more like just taking everything as it comes.
If I am correct, I want to encourage you to start some type of workbook just for your eyes to see. Begin by making columns with headings of Attitude, Habits & Nuisances, Behavior, and Reactions (and any other you want to add). Under each heading, list those things about yourself that you KNOW caused some degree of conflict in your relationships (family, friends, co-workers, etc.).
Keep this list b/c you may need to add things as you give it more thought. Study the list and see which ones you could eliminate with little effort. Sometimes, all is needed is to just making up your mind to stop doing whatever caused the conflict. No matter how insignificant it may seem to you......you know it doesn't set well with the other person.
The next part may be a little tougher b/c it requires more thought and action. Those are the ones that aren't that easy to fix. However, this becomes your plan of action to improve yourself within your relationships.
As you study each one, ask yourself if this causes some negativity from others. Is it everyone or just certain people? If certain ones, write the names.
Now comes your plan. What to do in each thing you've listed. If it is a bad habit, you have to do more than just say you won't do it again. It's a habit! You have to have steps to break it.
You may want to keep a separate section just for your MR. When it comes to our M, it seems to get deeper b/c we feel our S should just accept us the way we are. We stop putting enough effort in doing things to build their love for us, and we react to their reactions about us. So this results in emotional needs not being met, disrespect, arguments breaking out, silent treatments, resentment, the blame game, on & on. You know what I'm talking about.
Dig deep and search your heart. What can you do to change? Taking one thing at a time on your list, write down your plan. Remember, this is strictly what you can do about yourself.......not her. This is not a plan of action for her.
If you can't come up with very much on your list, then think back to her complaints about you and begin there. Identify the basis for most arguments that seem to come out of nowhere. What are the triggers? If she has resentment toward you, why is that? Do you know what her emotional needs are? If so, what have you done in the past to meet those needs? What is her love language? Do you speak that language to her?
This is pretty sketchy, but hopefully it will get you started, if you are interested. There is more at a later time, if you do this part and want to go further.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi I did what you said and as far as my R with others the negative list was a little short. The list with my W was a little longer and I think the biggest issue we have is with dealing with the kids. Our arguments about the kids differ in she just wants the problem solved and I want to see where the problem starts and then help the kids in correcting it. Her way is to just do it herself and my way is to find out why or why not they have felt with the problem. So l now i've been allowing her to solve the problem and then talk to the kids about how we can stop this. I do have a plan and the first part is ongoing and that is showing the W I am there for her. In conjunction with this is reintegration into the family. This has been a little harder because she has no patience t and it's tough on everyone. It's working because she called me this morning and asked if we could take the kids go-kart racing this weekend. I said we have to check the schedule but I think we can. This is the first thing that she asked to do as a family that was not going to the park, pool or one of the 3 museums we have here.
So, besides going to your job, you were able to complete this in about five hours? You are either a very amazing man with few faults, or you are being too vague about your part that led to the breakdown in this MR.
Quote:
and I think the biggest issue we have is with dealing with the kids.
Then it must be a whopper of an issue! What I am seeing on the limited amount of information, is a woman who seems to feel as if she has no relationship with her H apart from his boys. I know you have made special effort to spend more time with her, but something just seems off somewhere. What do you do to make her feel special, when you are alone with her? Do you talk to her about other things that doesn't include the kids and sports?
I know some women who are SAHM of several children who get use to giving out "instructions" and beingnthe overseer all day. When the H comes in from work, it's easy to forget to change her hat. Of course, he doesn't want her telling him what to do, as if he was one of the kids. It's habit. When considering how you have the boys most of the time, and also the coaching teams, do you find yourself "coaching" your W? Maybe not intentionally, but you corrall a bunch everyday and it would be easy to develop that habit. That, and your desire to take as much stress off your W as possible when she gets home. If it was over done too much, it could have a negative outcome.
Why do think she would not complete her sentences......or she would stop and say "never mind"? Was her audience too active and gave the appearance they were not all ears? Or had she reached the depressed state she felt hopeless of even trying to make herself heard b/c she didn't believe anyone would give much value to her opinions.
I think I could see how a woman could began feeling like she didn't fit in, or really wasn't needed. Over time this added to the depression. Even if the house was straightenup, most things activities were based around the boys.
Now if I am completely way off track here, just say so. But if what I have mentioned is true, then there will be more work to do . Also, you said a lot of her problems (withdrawing from her children ) was shortly after the second birth. Was she ever diagnosed with postpartum depression?
I know we can get very sensitive about our children, but who do you think is the strictest disciplinarian? I know you and W want to handle problems with the kids differently, so who has the final say when one of them has disobeyed or something they knew they should not do? Do the two of you also disagree about how to administer discipline......or what it will be? I hope you don't mind answering this b/c I may be seeing how this is all connected, but I will wait to see how you answer.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks the list was easy because I had already made one and was adding and subtracting behaviors as I came to see them.
So to give you a little back story we live in Baltimore and she works in D.C. When I left my job to take over being primary caregiver for the boys I started to do things to help her out when she got home. I agree over time it became part of my routine like with the boys.
I am the disciplinarian in the home because of how much time I spend with the boys. We do disagree with there punishments. Lately before I dole out punishment I talk with my W and we come to an agreement. I also explained that while It may seem like I am being strict most of the time this is not even remotely close to the first time this has happened.
As far as making her feel special things have changed a lot. When she is home I always make sure that there is fresh flowers in our room. I also make sure she has all the snacks she likes for her. I have also started to make sure we do something every weekend as a coulpe. I told her that we were going to try a lot of things. Some we may like some we may not like but something.
I have also found out that she likes going to the gym with me. Yesterday was a good day for us. She called a lot asking about my days and the kids. She then called and said that I know that you don't have practice are you going to the gym. I told her yes and that I would meet her there. So she called me before I got there and asked if I wanted any water and I said sure this is new because she usually just buys for herself. So we went to the gym and she asked for help a few times which she never does. After I asked if she was hungry and she said yes so we went out and had dinner. When it was time to leave she said did I want dessert and I said ok but she wanted it for another place. It started raining so I took her to her car and held the umbrella for her. I have been doing a lot of little things that I hope make her feel special. The sentence where she doesn't complete I think she felt that I would not value her opinion. I have made it a large part of what I am trying to do is show her she can talk to ke. She opens up more and more every week . I know my faults when it co.es to my W they were insensitivity, being passive agressive, and dishonesty. I have been actively trying my best to make sure they don't come back into play. We also had a heap of misunderstanding between the two of us form bad communication. I make sure that we are now both on the same page when I can. If there is a misunderstanding I try to talk with my W and see where we went wrong.
Sounds very positive. Would you say her LL is quality time or acts of service? Maybe something else. Both of you seem to be speaking to each other through acts of service. And she definitely wants to be spend time with you away from the house/kids.
How are you at validating? Being a coach, you know team players need that often. I caution LBH'S not to over-kill and look as if they are kissing up to the W, but make a point to say good things about her....to her. Asking for her opinion could make her feel that you really do value it. When she talks, be sure you look right into her eyes. That lets a woman know you truly are paying attention to what she is saying. Men may not look into each other's eyes when they carry on a conversation, but if you talk to a female .......you want to keep that eye contact.
During the times she is talking to you, ask her how she felt about it, or what did she do about it, etc. She'll know you care, b/c you are encouraging her to tell you more.
Do what what gets good results. If you get bad results, don't do it anymore.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi to make a point our oldest son who she has spent the most time with and who is closer to her in his ways has decided to quit his job. I let her take point on this issue because they have a better relationship. We talked about what we would do if he decided to do this and came up with a plan together. Also yesterday we had a slight problem. I had mistaken what her schedule was for the next two weeks. She said that she had told me and that she had made it a point that I understood. I still don't remember this but I took responsibility for the mistake. She then calmed down and said that when she stepped back and looked at it that I have so much going that I could forget or make a mistake. I think her ll is definitely acts of service but with a little quality time. She called and said that she wanted to come home today because I have a lot going on and she wanted to make it easy on me. I said that it's not really a lot and to do what's best for her. She then said I don't want to put a burden on you and I said if I couldn't do it I would say so. She responded by saying that she didn't think I would to protect her. I then asked if protecting her upset her. She said sometimes but mostly no. I have been asking her opinion on a types of things. I have been telling her good job and asking questions.
So my W surprised me today by asking if it was ok to come home tonight. She said that it was to help me with my schedule tomorrow . I told her she didn't need to change her schedule I would be able to pick her up. She said she wanted to come home so I picked her up and we picked up dinner. We talked a lot about things she thought were important to her. We had dinner in the bedroom and watched tv. Things seem really well tonight.
So my W called me a few times today, he frequency that she calls me has gone up dramatically. So she had a problem with her boss and called to vent . I listened and didn't interrupt her and asked what she was going to do when she finished. It seemed to help because she then called later to tell me her grandmother was in the hospital. I asked if she was ok and she started to tell me what was going on. We also talked about something's I had done with our oldest son which made her very happy. I am not going to make any moves in the bed even though I just want to touch her. She has been moving closer every weekend. I am hopeful and prepared if things turn out wrong. I'm not expecting anything and taking it as it comes but I am still prepared for the worse. I really love my W. On the OM front the texting seems to have decreased to the point where it' looks like it is just work related. I told her that I had started to hate her iPhone because of the amount of attention she gave it. I think that she understood how I could feel that way.
W found out that her grandmother has cancer. I told her I was sorry and could I help. She said she was ok and I told her if she needed to talk I was here. We had a hectic day I took S14 to school for practice and then brought him home. Went to the gym with W and then took S11 to his game. I took W to her families house for something they had to do. She was appreciative of me driving her instead of staying with S11. Went back to coach S11 and then picked up wife after the game. W she wanted to go to the pool with the kids while I was at work but it started to rain. I then gave her some money and said order what you want and told her about a few place we use for delivery.
So my W is really confusing me. I can't touch her but she still walks around in the nude sometimes. Other times she turns and covers up like she does not want me to see her. I know this is a long trip but it is driving me crazy.
So we got up this morning and my W has been very talkative today. She has been talking a lot. We went to swim this morning and then had lunch. I had to work a short shift and came home and took the W and kids to the pool. We sat next to each other and talk. I noticed that she os letting me touch her now. I haven't made a move romantically and will not for some time. I think I am at the point where she just likes spending time with me.
So I have been reading a lot of post. I don't want to seem obtuse but while I feel my W and I are in a better place and I feel that she maybe falling in love with me or her feelings are coming back whatever. I feel very uneasy about the walls she has up. She is talking to me, asking for my help, and she has started to joke with me again. Our family while not whole is doing much better as a whole. Still I feel very uneasy, I don't know how she feels so I'm guessing . What should I do, I think if I ask I will not get an answer that I will like. She has started to answer to loving names like babe and baby, honey you guys get the idea. I have done all I can think of to be friends again but let her know that I want more.
W called this morning to talk and see how I was doing. She didn't have a lot of time so it was short and she knew I had worked last night and wanted me to ge some sleep.
So as good as I felt yesterday I feel a little sad today. W has been on work trip all week but it looks like it may be the last for a while. So she called yesterday and talked briefly but it was a good talk. Today nothing no email, no call. So I send her an email asking if she is ok and she responded late with a brief answer. My biggest complaint is she has not even called to check on her children. Is it me or does not talking to your kids since they saw you Sunday night ok?
W had to go to NY to have a meeting with her boss. She was super worried and we talked a little about it. So I sent her a short email telling her that I hope everything is ok. She said she had called and my phone sent it straight to voice mail. So I told her to call back and she did. She said the meeting went well and she was worried for no reason. She said she was super busy but kept talking for another ten minutes. I told her that I was proud of her and that she was a good boss. She said thank you and said she would call to let me know when she would be coming home.
Later I had football practice for S11. I took S10 with me and gave him my phone because my shorts had no pockets. I told him to answer the phone if his mom called. She called and he did not answer or bring me the phone. When I saw she called I called back and she said she also sent mail and if I read it. I told her what happened and returned her call first. She wanted me to pick her up at the train station. The email was about the anniversary celebration of the state spangled banner and the light rail is a mess. The thing is all the light rail problems were in the other direction and she would have been fine. I picked her up.and she was very tired and I have learned that when she is tired like that she doesn't talk. She was also very hungry but didn't know what to eat. Every suggestion I made she said no but I kept it under three because anymore and she gets frustrated. So I said I would take her home and go pick her up some soup and she said that was a good idea.
Later that night when I went to bed , I now sleep in the middle our bed has a little mound because of us sleeping a little far apart. I woke up and her leg was on mine. I know I shouldn't take this as a sign or anything more than what it was but she wa little restless and I could tell she was awake . Because I crave her touch I didn't move because then she would move her leg. I fell asleep and woke up.later and it was still there.
I fought the urge to touch her more even though I want to. Touch is my ll and she hasn't done it in so long.
So I had thought we had made a major breakthrough today. W said she was going to S11 football game today and it rained so she stayed home. She had asked if I could ask my mother to come over and do her hair and I made the arrangements the same weekend. I have made it a point to do what she asked as soon as I can.
So the big breakthrough was she drove me to work and took herself to the gym. I was hoping that it would show her that she does have freedom at home. So the setback was that my boss kept me a little late and she hates that. I apologized and showed that I saw what was wrong with the way it turned out.
I had to work early today so W would be responsible for the kids. The second day in a row she dropped me off at work. She took the kids to the park and drove herself to the gym.
Got off of work later than I thought and called her to pick me up. When she picked me up she seemed to be agitated. I asked what was wrong and she said that she was not. I said you clearly have a problem talk to me. She wanted to know why I had gotten off of work late. I said something's needed to be taken care of before I left. She said that she did not have a problem with my job and we left it at that. I don't know why she was upset about this. I didn't call her until I needed to be picked up from work. I cooked dinner before I left but she still seemed agitated.
On the flip side this morning I to kiss her on the cheek, she didn't say no or think I was joking and let me. This has been the first kiss I have given her in three months.
I wrote an email to m W today letting her know thAt I understood that she was having problems with not being able to do some of the things she wanted to do. I also told her that I was there for her and that I loved her very much. She responded to this email which was rare with concern for me asking if everything was ok and that we will talk later.
I picked her up from the gym and we went to have dinner but the market closes early on Mondays. So we just picked up some things to eat and went home. She usually leaves on Mondays but I think this is the second week in a row where she stayed till Tuesday. She also seemed to be in really good spirits and we talked and joked a lot. I also touched her a lot and let my hand linger so far so good.
So W stayed home last night when she usually goes to her place. I asked her to stay because I had to work late. Our communication is better but she still eats her words. She came to S11 football game this weekend and dropped me off at work. She also made dinner for the kids. We were like the family we were years ago. I am learning that although I want to help and so things for her she wants to do the same with me.
This morning I dropped her bag off at her place for her. I told her we didn't need to do this I would have dropped it off to her. She said that she didn't want to inconvence me. I told her that I think that we had become so conscience of not wanting to bother the other that we stopped asking each other to do things.
So we took the kids go kart racing this weekend and we both raced also. She said she had fun. I think the first part of my plan is working and she is reintegrating back into the family.
As far as our R she still will not talk about it. We do talk more and I talk with her about decisions about the kids. I hope the things I am doing is working .
So I haven't been on for a while and things seem to be in limbo with my W. She didn't give me an answer but we talked about an incident with the dog and I said that you haven't forgiven me for a lot of our peoblems. She said I am not going to agree or disagree. So she hasn't forgiven me and I think she has a lot of repressed anger. Some times it seems the better I do she gets angry for some reason.
Told my W that I don't believe that she has forgiven me in her heart. In her head she believes that she has but not in her heart. She said that she was busy and would call later so we can talk which is becoming more frequent when we have things to talk abot. It's 7:00 and no call from her. This is one of my problems with her is her communication skills or the lack of calling me and leaving me hanging. She did it a lot during our M and she still keeps at it. I am still trying to reconnect reconnect with her and it's going very slowly but it is working. She has a schedule in her head that she will not deviate from and it's like a wall between us. So she leaves but doesn't like where she is staying and will not stay home.
Friday, I picked my W up to bring her home. I have started to pull back a little. She seems to have noticed because she talked to me a lot. Stopped and got dinner and went home. Got up the next morning and did some cleaning and gave her a little space. She decided to go to S11 football game. The weather turned a little cold and she was not dressed for it. Just so happened to be homecoming and they had a lot of things for sale so I got her a sweatshirt. She wore the sweatshirt for the rest of the day which is not like her.
During the week we had a conversation and she expressed how much she enjoyed spending time with the boys and dreamed of the day when she had her own place and could do things she wanted to do with them. I stated that no one was stopping her from doing that now. I also said that if she enjoyed that so much we could change the arraignments we have. She said no that she didn't want anything to change on the weekends.
I am scheduled to work Monday night and she has said she would stay without me asking her too.
So my W Grandmother died today. She asked me to come to the hospital with her. Her attitude through this whole thing has been strange. She has shown no sadness and has been very jovial and making jokes. I asked her if she wanted to come home tonight and she said ok. I didn't think she should be alone through this.
So deal with the death of my W grandmother has been a ride. She asks me to go do things with her about the funeral in the "do you want to go blank with me, or I can drive myself". I told her that I am here for her and in her corner. I'm in limbo because she seems to be actively trying not to fall in love with me. It's like a huge wall pops up when we are having fun together. We talk and can make plans for the future as a family but not H and W. This is so hard.
Went to the funeral and came home. She has been talking to me a lot and called me baby. She has not called me that in awhile. She has also been home a lot lately.
Just read some post and they helped a lot to know that I am not going through this alone. W has been home for awhile now a little over a week. Between the funeral and work she has been home a lot. We have been talking still about nothing important but talking. I have been initiating some touching that she does not seem to have a problem. I gave her a hug and a kiss today and she said it was ok. Earlier today she talked to her Aunt about the holidays and said we have to spend Thanksgiving with her family this year. She seems to be really happy at home and we are working together more to raise the kids it's not so one sided now. I have also noticed that she is starting to let me see more of her body now. When she told me she was no longer attracted to me she started to cover up but now more and more she is not. I don't know when she will put it all together that all the individual things we do now is what she wanted but I have to hope it's working. She is now the one telling me what we are doing in the future. As far as doing things together she still has a wall built up I can't seem to breach. I just keep on being the best me I can.
Spent the day with my W. Went to all the places she wanted and she seemed to be enjoying herself. She called me babe again today and this time didn't change back and just say my name.still can't understand why she has compartmentalized our relationship. She has split it up and deals with each one differently. If she put it all together she could see she is happier home than when she isn't. I'll see how she deals with the holidays.
Enjoy every minute of it. I have learned that I took way too much for granted in years past.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
So my W will go back to her place tonight. She has been home for the most part for two weeks. Things have been getting better she still will not talk about R but she is talking to me. She also called me by a pet name again. She also seems to be more comfortable at home and is starting to include herself in things. I hope things are working.
So W came home a little late and said she would be staying home tonight. She was in a bad mood from work. I told her to relax and get ready for bed while I made her dinner. She asked if I went to work today and i told her I did. Usually when she says this I missed something that set her off. She said it was nothing and I left her alone and did not pressure her. I sent her a email to let her know what I had done today and she said that I didn't do anything she was just frustrated. I let her know it was alright to feel this way and that I was in her corner. She said thank you and left it at that.
So my W called to see if everything was ok and talk. I told her that I missed her and then apologized for saying it and she told me to stop it was ok. Later on she called and said she was stopping by to pick up a pair of jeans. She stopped by and I told her it was good to see her. She said she would see me tomorrow and I said Friday right.
Talked with W last night and it wasn't good. It seems like everything I have been doing has caused her stress. She still thinks I have all the control and doesn't believe the changes I made will stick. She said her feelings haven't changed at all. I have bent over backwards to let her see I didn't control everything she just never makes any choices. So I ask her what she wants and I don't just accept I don't know. All for nothing and now I feel like what I thought was progress was for nothing. I have no clue what to do now.
"It seems like everything I have been doing has caused her stress."
First of all, your actions don't cause her stress. SHE causes herself stress. Stress is something you do to yourself. You have a choice on how to react to something.
"She still thinks I have all the control and doesn't believe the changes I made will stick."
Just tell her that the changes are for you and not for her.
"She said her feelings haven't changed at all. I have bent over backwards to let her see I didn't control everything"
You shouldn't have tried to "force" her to see things your way.
"she just never makes any choices."
That in and of itself is a choice.
"So I ask her what she wants and I don't just accept I don't know."
Why not? It's probably true that she doesn't know. Why do you keep insisting that she does? She's right. That does sound controlling. It makes it sound like you know her more than she knows her.
"All for nothing and now I feel like what I thought was progress was for nothing. I have no clue what to do now."
Stop doing things to get a response that you WANT out of her. That's controlling. Keep up your positive changes for you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Guys I need help. Spoke with the W today about our earlier conversation. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she wants to come home on the weekends and spend time with the boys. She also said she enjoyed spending time with me but her feelings haven't changed. I explained to her that I am totally confused because she tells me one minute that I am putting stress on her doing all the things that she wants to do or giving her the choices instead of just doing it myself.
So in our earlier conversation we agreed that she shouldn't come home on the weekends and that she should move her stuff out. That's what she wanted when this all began right? So now she doesn't want that and still doesn't want me but wants to keep hanging out and being a family. I am going nuts.
Thanks Ss it's really crazy. Is like she wants me to say I don't want to be with you either. She says she wants to go to counseling now but for us to work through this separation to divorce. I told her that we will not be on the same page because I still want to be with her. I think getting into some kind of therapy could help.
Hey guys been really busy and have to had the chance to post. Things with the W are still the same. She is opposed to any changes in our R at this time. She still wants to come home on the weekends.
Something I have seen and brought to her attention is the anger she express with the kids and I. It makes me feel really bad if there is any kind of bumps at this time because of her reaction. She doesn't scream or anything but her face shows a lot of anger and then she pushes it down.
Things this week with the W have been ok. I have started to pull back and do things differently. I don't know if the things I was doing was putting pressure on her but she said they were so I stopped. One thing I stopped doing was calling her at all. I will return her calls but I will not call her. I also stopped making plans to do things with her. If she wants to do anything she can let me know. She must have realized things have changed because she called me a lot this week for no reason just to talk. One thing I am seeing is her spending is out of control but I have not said anything to her about it. I have also started to go out when she is home with friends.
