Remember ... baby steps. Looks like you are on track, we all have been put on this rollercoaster against our will, and its frustrating knowing only one of us cares enough about the marriage to do all this reading, changing, self improvement .... but then we start realizing .. wow .. this feels good, for ME .. not them ... and it gets easier... and with a little luck we start seeing changes in them .. little positives to show us we are making small slow steady progress.
Eat that pizza, keep the PMA going, you have a rooting section and support group here cheering you on.
So - a petty practical question for everyone. H is continuing to deposit the same amount that he used to contribute towards monthly expenses into my account. (He won't be able to keep that up forever and he'll burn through that retirement account he cashed in pretty fast)
The one item that is really still a "shared bill" is our wireless. I was thinking of splitting my phone off from the "family account" (and changing my number while I'm at it-I've never changed it from Iowa. I figured this would eliminate any possibility that at some low moment I might start snooping in his records. Any thoughts? Should I actually try to keep everything together?
And - just a related item of interest. I cannot believe how much our internet usage has gone down since he is not longer in the house. Seriously makes me wonder what he was doing/watching on there.
Yeah .. if you can not help yourself from the snoop issue ... I would suggest you remove that. If you read enough here ... you will soon come to realize that snooping only hurts you and your goal of what you really want out of this, you must detach, and letting that go is a biggie (I know .. I still have backslides here ... none she knows about, but it keeps me aware I am not as detached as I know I need to be.)
They are gonna do what they do .... all we can do as LBS is focus on ourselves, make ourselves a better person .... regardless of their actions/ words.
So I went out of town for the weekend and had a lovely time with an old friend - got to really laugh for the first time in a month - just a really enjoyable GAL activity and much needed break.
Then I got home.....
My husband had told me he was taking the girls camping for the weekend (which I talked up all week to them). When I got home he did his usual move of leaving immediately.
D6 then informed me that in fact they had not gone camping but had spent the weekedn at the "birdie" house (apparently whoever lives there has a parrot) which is where H is apparently living with a single female. As I have mentioned earlier in this thread H had promised me that he was not living with the gf and that he would not take my kids around her. I have to say appearances are against him here.
Just asking for a reality check. I am entitled to be angry about this, right? I am not in any way being unreasonable, right? Regardless of if he is living with the gf or not he should be forthcoming about what he does with the kids, right?
Here's the situation. I wrote an email to H after this , which I thought was very diplomatically worded, explaining that I was uncomfortable with not knowing where the kids are and what they are doing. H EXPLODED. Got a lengthy email response from him saying that we could "never come back" from me suggesting that he would put the kids in danger...a whole section about everything I did wrong in the marriage and ...."This isn't working...you and I view the past in two dramatically different ways". Just to review we've only been separated for a month (which was an Out of the Blue BD)For the record, I haven't said anything about how I view the past. I tried texting him to say that I think he misunderstood my email and that maybe we should talk for just a few minutes to clear the air. He replied he would prefer email communication right now but if I had something to say he would talk to me tonight after he drops off the girls. Sigh. So I did text him immediately (I couldn't email where I was)saying that I was not questioning his parenting skills and later that night I sent him this:
H,
So - here's the thing. I think I texted you most of the immediate things I had to say, but we obviously need to talk more, so yes, I would like to talk with you after you have dinner with the girls on Wednesday. I don't think our email exchanges have been effective. We won't be able to talk in front of the girls - so you will need to wait around until after they are asleep.
The day we met in the park I was angry, although I was trying not to be. I think you can understand why. Now that I have had a little time to absorb this whole strange situation, I view it less as an "angry situation" and more as a very sad one. That doesn't mean I won't be angry from time to time and that I won't say angry things sometimes. This is a very stressful circumstance - but I am willing to reach out to you to make things better. We could have the most rainbow and sunshine filled divorce in history and it still will not be smooth sailing and we will have to start working through these bumps (and that means actually talking to each other). For the near future I want us to be able to have comfortable child exchanges and better communication regarding the girls. I want you to understand that I am not questioning your parenting, but that I do have some concerns that you could ease.
You said that you were a terrible husband. I do not think that. I know that I caused many issues in the marriage as well. That doesn't mean that I'm okay with what you've done or that any of these issues were a justification for your actions the last two years. But right now, I am focused on being better partners for our kids. I am looking forward to communicating better and am entering our conversation on Wednesday night with a positive frame of mind.
I will see you then.
*****************************************
So - first of all- I have to say that I'm glad I've done so much reading since the BD. So many sources predicted the hostility after the guilt, and the rewriting of the marriage history, so even though it hurt (it was almost as bad as the day of the BD), I guess it wasn't totally unexpected.
I am going into tonight's meeting with 3 goals: 1. Set up some structure regarding child exchanges and also get the address of where he is living and some basic info about who he is living with.
2. Reaffirm the 6 month cooling off period
3. Set a boundary that if he wants to bring up old marriage issues, I am only willing to do that in the presence of a neutral third party (counselor or mediator). No good can come of the two of us trying to work through these issues with each other right now.
I know I'm not supposed to believe anything they say, I know this is early on - but this has been a rough couple of days.
Well - that went surprisingly well. Basically got all three things that I was looking for. Of course, he said nothing but "ok", but he did have the good grace to look fairly sheepish. I know this is going to be a long haul, but at least I feel on a little firmer footing right now. Back to a year before divorce at a minimum. A lot of positive can happen in that time.
I think your goals were honest, clear and realistic and your grounded attitude I think it what made H seem a bit sheepish. Let's face it, you're acting like the adult here. Good for you because frankly, it's hard not to scream and yell and want to throw stuff at H, right? But you didn't. Bravo.
Keep it up! That feeling of firm footing... hold onto that. Write down what that feels like and what is making you feel that way because when you feel less sure of your footing, you can then refer back to it to remind you of some things you can do to feel like you have control again.
Honestly, sometimes I worry I am a little too grounded. I don't yell or scream and my response to problems and issues is to get very very calm.
Maybe I should pull a 180 and actually raise my voice and do some fist-shaking.
Sooooooo....last night I said I would send him an email summarizing what we discussed and agreed to, so that there would be no misunderstandings. I addressed his moral outrage that I was questioning his parenting by explaining that I didn't think he would put the kids in danger, but that I did in fact think he was capable of lying to me about taking them around OW. As evidence, I calmy cited a few of the lies he told to cover the affairs and basically spouted off "Fool me once.....", in a non-confrontational way. He was supposed to email me his new address, the name of the person he lives with, and how he knows her.
He has not done this yet and it seemed like a simple request. I am girding myself for the possibility that he may now confess that he has been living with the g/f and exposing the kids to her. It's either that or he is just so passive that he can't initiate an email on his own and is waiting for me to send him one first.
So H had a doctor's appt today to get a medical clearance to go back to normal duties at work. He did not get it which meant that he will have the weekend off and could spend time with girls (I was going to take them camping but said I would be happy to give him a day if he wasn't working). He texted me that he wasn't cleared, I texted back he could have the girls tomorrow as soon as he sent me the info about where he is living and ....he texted back "take them camping". Uh...I know we're not supposed to mindread, but I assume that means he is in fact living with the girlfriend, and has been caught lying to me yet again. There is no other interpretation possible, right?
Honestly, who knows? It's possible he made other plans and didn't want the girls for the holiday weekend.
I am so sorry you find yourself here. You seem like you are doing a nice job. Keep focusing on you and the girls. OW? Don't waste the energy thinking about her.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
