Today is starting out feeling kind of bleak. I woke up at 2:00 am with my mind racing and it really hit me that even though the BD was only 3 weeks ago that my husband has actually been checked out of the marriage for 2 YEARS (when his first affair started. And that the man who I once would have described to strangers as "honest and just a great guy" has in fact, not only been lying to me but lying with a fair amount of skill and polish. I think the enormity of Dbing this to try and salvage my marriage and family is first and foremost in my brain.
The other issue I am having is that in all that time, we never had arguments and my husband never complained. Trying to figure out where to pull a 180 is challenging. I know that prior to all this, my husband was fond of saying things like "he married up" - and somewhere along the way he lost all admiration and respect for me. I know one of the issues in the marriage is that I probably avoided conflict and let all the little things go that were bothering me - but doing a 180 on that one and directly addressing things that bother me directly now - seems to run counter to the whole concept of detaching and LRT.
So - I'm pulling myself up by the bootstraps this morning. One thing I can say is that I'm a pretty indifferent housekeeper, and while my husband always claimed it didn't bother him (back when he talked to me about such things)- I am still going to embark on some home improvement as part of my GAL. Worst case scenario, I will have a nicer environment for me and the kids. Therefore, after he picks up the kids today, I am going to put my closet in apple pie order and then banish that weird color from the hallway that the previous owner had all over the house. Begone -Weird Peachy Pink!
H seems absolutely determined to not touch a single thing from the house - to the point of ridiculousness. Yesterday he took the girls swimming. I asked if he wanted me to have them in their suits. he said yes - and could I have something for them to wear after - but if it was too much trouble he could just buy something.
Today when he picked them up - he had purchased DVD players for them to watch in the car and bought copies of movies that we already have to go in them.
he's taking them camping next weekend while I go out of town. I wonder if he is actually going to buy all new camping equipment rather than use ours?
Mornings are tough. I think I brood about things when I wake up in the middle of the night and they still cast a shadow when I wake up. The "Thought of the Night" this time was a bit of a pity party because I found myself thinking that I am just really tired of always being the strong one.
Throughout every crisis in the last ten years (usually family or financial stuff) - I'm the one that's come up with a plan to move forward. When something goes wrong with the house and H can't figure it out - I'm the one that does all the research to figure out what to do. This spring, both of our longtime family dogs developed cancer, and I'm the one that takes them on that last drive to the vet. And now of course - I do the majority of putting up a brave face for the kids, getting the house refinanced so that I'll be able to keep it for the kids even if a D happens, etc, etc. I don't know if there is a 180 in here - am I supposed to be more helpless and vulnerable?
Time to shake it off face the day. More home improvement projects and making homemade kites with the kids today.
Since this whole thing started 4 weeks ago, I have not been able to cry. Sometimes I think there must be something wrong with me. Yesterday was "Back to School" night at D6s school and after the little presentation the teacher gave, I hung around just to let her know the bare bones of the situation in case D6 starts acting up. The teacher's eyes started welling up as she listened, but not mine. Maybe I need to watch a really, really sad movie. I have to believe that crying would be cathartic right now.
It takes all sorts raliced. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I just Googled 'learn to cry' and the first article was on Psychology Today website though I have to admit I only read the start.
Sending you some (((hugs))) and a bag of onions.
(Not so) Old Dog xx
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
I hear you, raliced. well, I had no trouble crying initially but lately no. I'm not a cryer by nature but it was feeling good to cry because it has been YEARS since I shed a tear and it was making me feel like I was finally getting in touch with some feelings even though they were painful. It's like I was numb for so long and any feeling after that is freeing and cathartic.
Not everyone has to cry though to feel catharsis or to mourn or grieve. Maybe you have other ways... then again, maybe you're still in shock.
Whatever it is, you are clearly a pillar of strength, raliced. Not because you don't cry but just because.
I can't say that I am much of an astrology person - but my horoscope (Sagittarius) for today did catch my eye. Seemed pretty apropos.
If things seem dire, just remember that the outcome is up to you. It may be that you've got the time you need to take care of everything, but if not, prioritize and get the right stuff done first.
My M ends, my dog dies, nada. I see a kid drop an ice cream cone or watch a sad commercial and I lose it.
Maybe I repress all my emotions and then am super sensitive to the pain of others (except for my STBX where somehow I couldn't see past what she was doing to me). That's why I used to live by the motto "If you knew the person you were talking to was thinking about ending their life today, how would you treat them?"
I don't know if this post was meant to be funny or serious. Either way it is supportive. Answers don't come in a day and you'll be riding the roller coaster for a while. Just remember any thoughts and feelings you have will fluctuate. Let them wash over you, listen to what they're telling you, but don't form conclusions about how to view your sitch until you've stabilized and grown a lot. You absolutely can do it.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
So- I am going out of town this weekend and H is taking the girls camping while I am gone.
I will: Try to not let this situation be the only thing I think about all weekend Let myself feel joy visiting an old friend Enjoy going to a sporting event Eat pizza with abandon Try to embrace my new mindset that I will not even hope for improvement (other than more civil child exchange) for 6 months. (That's as close as I can get to "no expectations".)
I will not: Care if H buys brand new camping equipment rather than use our "family equipment" Worry that he has packed appropriately for the girls. If he runs into a problem he will just have to deal with it. Expect anything other than the usual "hot potato" exchange when I come home Sunday.
