I think my story is similar to many I have read here but it certainly helps to get it out. I have been married for 8 years and together for 10. We have two children 6 and 3. Our marriage was running pretty smoothly until about two years ago - we hit a rough patch about 6 months after our second was born - nothing unusual - just two exhausted parents. At about the same time we made the decision to move from Iowa to be closer to my family in California. My husband started acted strangely at that time, which I attributed to stress from the move. He stayed behind in Iowa for 4 months to sell the house while we got established here. Once he joined us he went through a very depressed period. He's in law enforcement and it took 5 months to get all of his certifications updated here and to get a job. Once he got a job, he seemed better for a while and we bought our dream house. It turned out that he hates the agency that he works for and has complained about how much he despises it there. His job is a difficult 45 minute commute away in another county. During this time there has been a widening emotional gap- which I attributed to unhappiness with the job, the move etc. Every time I had a whiff of suspicion, I would dismiss it with "No way- H is a great guy and would never do anything to hurt his family". 3 weeks ago he was in a motorcycle accident on his way home from work (dislocated shoulder)- the whole thing was weird- he didn't call me when it happened and had someone from work drive him home. He then called me at work and said he had ruined everything and had gotten into the accident when leaving another woman's house. He said "I'm sure you're going to divorce me and take me to the cleaners". At that moment, I realized I wasn't surprised and actually reassured him I wanted to work on the marriage. by the time I drove home 30 minutes later he had cleared out all of his clothes and left the following note: This is what it said- " I have failed you and the girls as a father and a husband. I cannot do this anymore. I want a divorce. You can have everything......(there are a few financial details about how he plans to deposit money every month into our account)....When you decide what access I can have to the girls I will take all I can get. You are a good person. I am the failure. I wanted to tell you in person but I am weak and no longer the man I once was. I know you'll hate me forever. I'm sorry I will stay in ...(the city he works)... until I can find a place. I am a failure." Basically I detached immediately (even before reading this site and others like it - my copy of DR is on the way). I did meet with him once and I was clearly angry although I didn't yell. At that time he confessed he had an affair in Iowa as well. We hammered out some financial and kid details and I told him I wanted a 6 month cooling off period and counseling which he agreed to. I have since decided that counseling would be a mistake right now - he seemed like he just agreed to avoid conflict - not because he has any interest in really working on the marriage. He is not living with the gf and is planning on getting an apartment between here and his work. Here is my immediate problem for which I need advice. We told the kids that Daddy has to sleep at work right now - they are used to his crazy schedules and haven't really noticed anything. However whenever he visits them he behaves as though he cannot stand to be in the house for a second longer than he has to and he takes the kids to a friends house in the county that he works. I am very uncomfortable with this. I don't know where they are or who these friends are, This kids need stability and frankly, while he has promised he will not take them around the gf - I obviously don't trust it. I have told him twice its not a good idea - but he seems to be ignoring me on this particular issue. How do I handle this in a detached manner. Thoughts?
I've been reading a lot about depressed husbands who leave marriages and as I read the descriptions, I have to say they fit my H to a tee. It bothers me that he was so unhappy for so long and that I didn't realize the depth of his despair (although to be fair he was actively hiding it). I guess right now lots of sex and the excitement of a new relationship are helping him feel better. He has really cut himself off from his own family - he has always had a very close relationship with his mother and now he just responds to texts from her with one word responses and never initiates any contact with anyone in his family. He's also shut down his Facebook page.
Sorry to see you here, but welcome and know we will help when we can. As far as your question about the kids. You really can't do much right now outside of voicing your opinions, you cannot and will not control his actions. You could seek legal advice, possibly keep him away from kids, but don't know if that would help or hurt. If he is bringing around GF or bad influences, you will know at some point. Your kids are old enough and will want to tell you what they did with H, more than likely.
He is going to keep away from everyone for a while as well. Family, friends, trying to hide what he is doing. Now is not the time to put in any stock in what he's doing. Have you read Sandis 37 rules? Big one believe nothing you hear and half of what you see. I too had a very depressed spouse. Have been separated about 4 months, but ongoing issues for much longer. It will take lots of time, and patients, but looks like you are at least starting out right!!
Other than the one meeting we had - the only time I see him is when he picks up/drops off/ watches the kids. I can't really tell his attitude at these times. Sometimes it seems hostile, sometimes not, but always seems like he can't stand to be around me for a second longer than necessary. Last Saturday I went out with friends to a movie. The minute he heard me pull into the garage, he walked out to his car to drive away.
Other than the kids he certainly seems to be doing things to "burn his bridges". The day he left, he cashed in his retirement account. The first time I saw him he "returned" the house key and gate opener. And as mentioned before he has been hiding from family.
As far as him taking your children to a friend's house, he has a right to take them wherever he goes unless he's putting them in real danger. He has a cell phone, right?
This is all very tough stuff and you're at the very beginning. Read the book when it comes, read lots of threads here and take care of yourself. A lot is being asked of you right now.
If you read a lot about depression, you've undoubtedly seen that denial is a big factor. You can't fix him. That's his work if he chooses to do it.
Take care. Things will get better.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks - I do not want to do anything to make the situation adversarial and I guess I've already realized there's nothing I can do if he wants to take them around the gf. I just wish he would put his "dad" hat on and realize that driving them 1 1/2 hours round trip every time he sees them is not the greatest idea.
My oldest is starting school this week and he will be getting her ready and picking her up three days a week which should help the situation self correct somewhat
1. As bad as this situation is - in some ways it is a bit of a relief. I've felt there was something "off" for so long, but was always willing to accept the easiest explanation or chalk it up to "all marriages go through rough patches", that it is kind of nice to know what the heck was really going on for the past two years.
2. Have read through DR. Was already doing 180s without realizing it (my gut instinct from the beginning was that this was so dramatic that he needed space).
3. Fully engaged in GAL. Volunteered to coach daughter's U8 soccer team even though I never played. Took me a while to get through DR, because I've been spending a fair amount of time scratching my head over "Dummies Guide to Coaching Youth Soccer". I'm starting my oldest daughter on piano lessons and was thinking I might pick it up again- haven't played in 20 years. Flying to Seattle two weeks from now for the weekend (H will take girls camping). In some ways GAL is hard for me, because I am by nature an introvert, but I guess this is the time in my life to stretch.
4. I've set a goal to do something every week for my appearance. Last week - flattering haircut - this week - teeth whitening - next week - mani/pedi (which I am usually too frugal to treat myself to.
5. Like a lot of people on this these boards - I'm on the "Separation Diet". 10 lbs in 3 weeks. Right now , I'm really working on getting at least 1200 calories of nutritious food in me, but once I stabilize, I want to train for one of those crazy obstacle course mud run thingies (there are several coming to my area in the fall)
6. Finally part of my GAL needs to be focusing on career. I make a good living (more than H), but I haven't really been trying to advance. My current job has allowed me an excellent quality of life with a really flexible schedule that has been great for the girls. However if this D goes through, I'm going to have to kick it into high gear to still be able to provide the life I planned for my daughter. There are trainings I can go to now that will better position me to do this.
7. I am seeing a IC. First session wasn't particularly helpful, we'll see how the one on Friday goes. She said I need to take smaller steps right now and not worry about the future (see #6) so much. Sorry, but there are practical considerations in real life that I have to pay attention to.
Here is my immediate problem for which I need advice. We told the kids that Daddy has to sleep at work right now - they are used to his crazy schedules and haven't really noticed anything. However whenever he visits them he behaves as though he cannot stand to be in the house for a second longer than he has to and he takes the kids to a friends house in the county that he works. I am very uncomfortable with this. I don't know where they are or who these friends are, This kids need stability and frankly, while he has promised he will not take them around the gf - I obviously don't trust it. I have told him twice its not a good idea - but he seems to be ignoring me on this particular issue. How do I handle this in a detached manner. Thoughts?
Have you talked to a family law attorney yet? You have a legal right to know where your children are at all times, I would think, and considering he's admitted to two affairs already it might be time to put some formal protections and agreements in place? Doesn't mean you have to file for D or anything, but you should at least find out more about what your rights and responsibilities are, and also those of your husband.
Is this man really a man of character who's temporarily lost his way, or is this (serial infidelity, leaving you with a NOTE for goshssakes) the signs of a much greater moral weakness in him? What kind of family does he come from?
Is this man really a man of character who's temporarily lost his way, or is this (serial infidelity, leaving you with a NOTE for goshssakes) the signs of a much greater moral weakness in him? What kind of family does he come from?
Starsky [/quote]
Well - that's the big question isn't it? I know that he was a man of character for the first 8 years. I don't know if he's completely changed, if he will come out of this, or if this is part of a longer downward spiral.
His parents are still married. He has a very close relationship with his Mom although he does seem to have some hangups about his Dad.
I don't believe he is a serial womanizer. I think he had the first affair - didn't tell me about it and kept in contact with her - and was really grieving for it and feeling terribly guilty and ashamed. All the while he's been pushing me away and getting lonelier and more depressed until another affair was almost inevitable.
So far he's kept his word regarding finances and he has been willing to step up and agree to a pretty inconvenient schedule to help with childcare.
I don't think he's a danger to the kids, most of his friends and acquaintances are in law enforcement. I'm trying to think long term and keep things as amicable as possible should D happen - so I think I might just have to be the bigger person on this one.
Also- my oldest is such a Daddy's girl - she really needs to see him as much as possible.
If we can have a calm conversation- I will reiterate how much it bothers me and try to get him to see it from my side.
