Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Devotee, head on over to my thread. I'm grappling with the kid thing too. I think that is partly what got me into this sitch (my anxieties about H putting off children led me to become a bit of a crazy person in the 6 months before separation...). Part of me feels pressure to move on quickly so that I can find someone who does want to have kids with me. But deep down I want to save my M. I've done a lot of thinking about kids and if not having them is a deal breaker. Ultimately I think I've decided that I can be fulfilled without having kids…but the M would need to be better than what it had been.

DR is great though without kids there is less opportunity to interact once you separate. I have found some of the approaches difficult to implement given the lack of contact (limited opportunity to show 180s, PMA or be mysterious). PMA and GAL work great for me though.

You are still living together so I encourage you not to jump to physical separation if you can handle it. Read DB/DR *now* and try to get some 180s/GAL going while you are still under your H's watch.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Did he want to have a child?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
D
devotee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
It's hard not to fall into the lovey dovey comfortable pit when times are good. We both went to MC today and it was pretty brutal. He did commit to going with me for 8 weeks. We're going to try and slow things down and communicate better. He may also try IC. My IC has been immensely helpful to me.
We just got back from a bike ride. We're just hanging out and remaining calm. I work tomorrow daytime and we have a planned datenight. Sat night I have a concert I'm going to with friends. Just trying to keep a nice balance.


H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
D
devotee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
Ganb8te I'll check out your thread, thank you!!
DB and DR are on the way to me.

And yes, we've gone through phases over these 18 years where he wanted kids, then he didn't... I didn't want kids then I did... We both did but at that point I had a crazy stalker so we put it off...
Now time is running out.


H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
D
devotee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
Hard night last night. Spent most the day and evening doing great things with him.... Dinner, ice cream, bike ride then a movie. But he became distant and I had an emotional release. Not my finest moment but hard when you've been pushing emotions down for so long. Today was much better.
Practicing lots of deep breathing today.


H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
D
devotee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
I have been trying to set more boundaries. I do feel a bit too available to him, but I also feel we are in the stages of reconnecting. The book "How to improve your marriage without even talking about it" has been amazing. I think it's given me the most insight and hope so far. Just implementing a few of the techniques this week have shown immediate results! We appreciate each other more, communicate better and even sleep and relax more.
We had our first "relationship meeting" last night as defined by our MC contract. It was awkward at first but then we opened up and we both enjoyed it.


H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
Devotee,

I have the same issues with my W. She is still at home. when we are around each other for more than an hour or so something always goes wrong. I am starting to develop the ability to sense the start of the "downhill slide". I have just recently developed a few good strategies to get heck out when I sense its going to start getting bad.

She was at the able last night grading papers and I sat down with her. I had a cold one and brought her a glass of wine. We talked a little about the next days schedule and then a little about the rest of the week. That turned to the weekend and I could tell she was going to bring up an issue with the plans that I had made. Her tone changed, just before she started to change the topic. I faked a yawn and excused myself because I was sleepy. Told her we could finish the topic tomorrow.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
D
devotee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
That is a great response! You did great avoiding being drawn into her crisis that time. Good job!
We actually have much more "good time" than "bad time". I'd say on average 6 out of 7 days a week are pretty darn good with just small uncomfortable moments sprinkled here and there. That's why it's hard to detach because things are good the majority of the time.
Our taking it day by day approach seems good right now. Not a lot of pressure, enjoying the good times and giving space when needed.


H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
D
devotee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
We were supposed to have date night tonight. Instead he's drinking and being distant. It's in our MC contract but he doesn't seem to care. It's hard to take things seriously when he won't. He also hung out with a make friend earlier who's girlfriend has actively pursued my H. Not a good night.
My friends blew me off when I asked if they wanted to do something. Took a long bath and a Xanax. Probably just going to go to bed. frown


H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
D
devotee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
I'm in an anger phase right now for sure. Not much talking between us for two days, no touching or intimacy. I am mad at him and allowing myself to be so. He helped me but a new phone today, but it felt more out of guilt then true kindness. I paid for it myself, then saw he PayPal'd me half of it back.
We have been riding bikes together almost every day but haven't since Thursday because of this awkward time. Think I'll go bicycle by myself right now. Trying to let this anger at him distance myself from him. I think it's a step in letting him go.


H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard