3 months after BD, the roller coaster ride hurts

[Gotan74]

Hang in there I am going through a similar situation. You have to hang in there and take care of yourself. It's not a race but a marathon.

[devotee]

Ok. So he offered to go to couples counseling with me if I start getting on board with selling the condo and packing. He thinks I'm dragging my feet and "blackmailing" him by not wanting to move out. I don't want to move because I can't afford to live on my own. If it came to that I would push for a separation agreement and demand he help me with rent.
But I think it's worth giving in to his request if it means he will finally try counseling. Although I do have a suspicion he's just going to go through the motions and not take it seriously.
Only time will tell, but I will keep looking out for myself and making sure I have my bases covered.

[devotee]

Had our first counseling session together today. It's was an intake session so not too deep. Mostly him doing the blame game. I tried to clarify a few things but he did most the talking and I didn't want to argue so I held my tongue a lot. The therapist said we'd come back and visit these topics in more depth in the next few sessions where I will tell my side for sure. We had a few tense moments but the therapist seemed optimistic. My husband told her, when she asked what he hoped for out of therapy, was for him to fall back in love with me. I know therapy is not a cure, but it was nice to know he hoped for something like that instead of just giving up on me and our relationship. He seems happy today and committed to going to therapy. Only time will tell. We also went and looked at bikes for him today so he can bicycle with me since he can't kept up on his skateboard. I think it will be safer as well.
So... Optimistic for now.

[devotee]

Thought we were doing great. H went into a weird head space this morning. I kinda just shrugged it off and tried to remain positive and friendly. He gave me a ride to work and picked me up from work as well. I had to DJ a cd release party for a friend tonight, H even created a beautiful remix for them for one of their songs. He refused to go because he didn't want to see people from our scene. He dropped me off. Then about a half hour later I check in by texting him and telling him about the stage and my gear setup. He responds he's going to drink. I ask him to please not drink, he's an alcoholic and hasn't had a drink since March, he should be proud of his amazing progress. He responds he deserves it. I decide to just let it be. About a half hour later he texts me telling me he can't help me carry my gear in tonight and that I should sleep on the couch tonight. I respond no, I will be sleeping in the bed. He responds he needs his space, please let hi have the bed alone tonight. I respond that I've been on my feet all day and night, and will be standing working all day tomorrow too and I need a full nights sleep in the bedroom. He responded "You wouldn't sleep in the same bed with me for 3 years, save the indignation for your friends. I lived with you!!" I responded "where is this coming from?? We have been doing so good. Please stop talking to me like this when you're drunk. I'm on stage trying to be happy for my friends new album." He hasn't replied back.
He destroyed my night. I took a Xanax because I started to cry on stage. So much progress washed away with him having a drink. I don't know what triggered it. Yes I shouldn't worry about him and instead focus on myself but it's a huge blow after so many good weeks. A huge sucker punch to my gut.

[Ss06]

I have no good advice, I have no idea what to say. It sounds like such a scary situation.

Are you ok?

Where are you going to sleep tonight? Maybe he really does need serious space to get his chit together? I don't know. I am not the right person to respond to this but I want you to know that someone is here reading your post.

[DFE]

Please know you can't control his drinking and if he is an alcoholic that makes this so much harder. It's hard enough piecing this together without that element. I am like you in that he controls my emotions and I am doing everything to stop that and take back my power. So very hard.

He wants to sleep alone he should do so on the couch. Please also be safe. I know alcohol can bring out the worst in people and it isn't worth fighting while he is drunk.

Stay safe and hold your head up.

[devotee]

I slept on the couch. Normally I would have stood my ground and demanded the bedroom, but I was tired and didn't want to deal with his drunken arguing.
Tonight I will be in the bed for sure, it's his choice to sleep with me or on the couch. He has never been violent with me, just verbally abusive when drunk. I feel safe so don't worry. So annoyed that he just started drinking after working so hard to quit.

[Card29]

One bad event won't single-handedly ruin the progress you may have made with him. Now his alcoholism, that is a different story. Hopefully that does not start a trend. I know it's easy for me to say, a guy reading your story through an anonymous message board, but don't let his drunken rant stick with you too much. I'd be more concerned about the drinking that what he actually said. You know he is still full of pain, you know it is going to take months, maybe even a couple of years, to work through that pain (that is IF you are both on board and are following the correct path the entire time). So don't be surprised when it rears its ugly head from time to time.

Keep detaching, GAL and working on yourself. I know you've probably seen and heard this a million times already, but that's because it's the best advice you can take. You can't fix him, you can only support him. And the best way to support him is if you are the best YOU that you can be - happy, independent, strong and full of love for him. Detachment is also the best way to preserve the love you have for him while he is in this place. If you try to drag him through his fog yourself, you will end up resentful and out of love for him.

Keep posting! We hear you.

[devotee]

I came home from work Saturday and he was in the bedroom with the door closed. I went for an hour long bike ride on my own. When I came back he was in the living room. He asked to talk. He apologized and said he just so confused and lonely he wanted to feel "different" so he drank. He was sober and was extra sweet to me all night. Very affectionate and kind of kissing my butt.

We've been doing good since he apologized. He hasn't drank anymore and he suggested we don't have alcohol in the house anymore. That night he drank he drank the last of a gift of pear vodka a friend gave to me.
We've been sick and just kinda camping on the couches watching movies and tv shows. I had my IC appt yesterday, it was very helpful. We have our second MC appt on Thursday and I'm looking forward to it.

Thank you for your kind words Card, that is indeed the path I'm trying to take. I went for another good bike ride today to have some "me" time. I've been trying to stay positive as well. If I keep myself from complete highs and complete lows and just stay on a mellow realistic course, it makes the process quite a bit easier to deal with.
As usual, small steps.

[devotee]

Another ok week. Today is our 18 year dating anniversary. I wanted to go to The Melting Pot for dinner but he said no since I have to work tonight. He wasn't even open to an early dinner.

He did buy a bike yesterday so we went bike riding today. That was fun at least.