It is so easy to comment on others threads and see the issues with clarity that is so lacking when we are personally involved in our own situation.
W and I live pretty much separate lives at this point. We work opposite of each other so when she is here I am asleep and I am awake when she is gone. Son finally started school again so her and I have the mornings to ourselves now. So ironic what a difference a year can make. Last year, we were looking forward to school opening because we would be able to spend time alone with one another. This year, son being gone during the day just means that she can go back to sleep in his room during the day.
The money issue is bothering me a lot. I cannot get W to leave and I do not accept a M where there is an OM involved. However, W is passively-aggressive refusing to pay any bills and my patience is at an end. I don't want to cut off services because son lives here too. I have thought this out and I think the answer is I need to rent a different apartment and just one day move everything belonging to my son and I without telling W; this refusal to end the R with the OM or move out especially after she told me she wanted a separation, is testing my patience to the limits.
Ideas? Thoughts?
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Today I received some more bills in the mail for which payment had been rejected. I have not spoken more than a sentence to W since Monday; she is always gone and I don't really have much to say to her anyway. However, these bills which she has always paid which are not getting paid has pushed me to my limit. I am considering giving her an ultimatum (I know, we really aren't supposed to be doing those) that either she comes up with the money and pays about $400 of past due bills, or I will cancel phones, cable, and internet, and she can get those things on her own.
A friend told me that W had talked to landlord about renting an apartment in another property which landlord owns; she was supposed to have looked at it this Wednesday. Seems most here on these forums are trying to get their WAW or H to come back, but for me, the cake eating and OMs need to come to an end, and as long as we continue to share the same space there is no incentive for W to discontinue her behavior. Clearly the status quo is not working so the situation needs to be shaken up until something does change.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
There is finally some movement from the limbo I am in with WAW.
Today I confronted W about neglecting the bills for which we both share. Her response was that she didn't have any money. I asked if she was planning on moving out. She confirmed that she was, and said she had already looked at an apartment. I told her that that was good; in fact I approved of her getting an apartment on her own, but added firmly that as long as she remained in the apartment with me she would pay her share or I would start cutting off extra and optional services like cell phones, cable, and internet, which she would then be free to get on her own. She then said she didn't have any money because her college courses and books were expensive and she had to pay the full cost because I made too much money for her to receive student aid (at taxpayer expense), and that she had to save money for her new apartment and for bringing her mom out here from Central Asia to help her with son when she was on her own. I replied that those were all choices which she elected to do, and that she could have them paid anytime she wanted by choosing to end the affairs and bad behavior. I then asked her again if I could expect the money for her share of the bills when she received her paycheck several days from now. Her angry response was that she didn't need anything from me and that I could just cancel those services anyway. This concluded our conversation, and I calmly proceeded to remove her phone line from my account, and then password protected the internet, which is in my name.
Like Torquemada, I then slept like a baby and woke up without a case of the conscience, which would have plagued me in the past whenever I acted decisively regarding her. I realize that this represents an escalation; I see the situation as being one in which the decision to vacate the marriage was made over a year ago by W and the time since has been spent by her abusing my non-confrontational nature and trust. I have decided that certain behaviors such as an ongoing affair and abusing my hospitality are unacceptable. My immediate objective is to force an end to the cake eating, and move out on her own so that the going dark activities can begin to have an effect, since LRT methods have been ineffective.
It feels good and empowering to stand up for myself and follow through with establishing and defending boundaries. I will continue to work on GAL, detaching, and improving myself. I honestly do not care if she ever comes back from her fog as I continue to protect myself and move on with my life.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
I am not sure how much longer I can continue to wait for my W to snap out of the fog she is in. The other day I heard from a dear friend with whom I had a platonic relationship with prior to meeting my W. We are the same age, and if I had not met my W, she would probably have been the one I would have married since our relationship had been headed in that direction. Anyway, she is still single, and I have but to ask and she would come here to live with me. If I had heard from her any other time from before BD I would have not entertained the thought. But this finds me in a very weak place. W apparently signed a lease and will be moving out next week.
So I have a decision to make. I cannot take care of my son on my own and I was considering bringing my mother here to live with me if W was to actually leave. My friend is aware of my situation and the drama she would become a part of if she were to join me. I have already drafted the invitation and because this will be my Rubicon should I send it, I am giving it a last thought before I do so. Once I make this choice the door will be forever closed to W and I will begin divorce proceedings.
I am considering telling W that she has one day to decide whether or not she will continue to be a part of my life or I will take action to move on for good. A part of me feels that she deserves this last appeal while another part of me feels that the course of action that she had taken to date has shown where her true feelings lie, and any answer she gives will be under duress and not to be trusted.
What have I overlooked?
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
I would be hesitant to rush into allowing another woman to move in with you, especially one you've had feelings for in the past and even if it's platonic now. But I don't know your situation exactly, so don't just take my word for it.
As far as a 1-day ultimatum for your WAW, I don't know what good that would do for you as you've said you think she may have made her mind up a long time ago. If she says she wants to be a part of your life in that short of time, I don't know how you could trust that it's not simply a survival response. I'm sure other people here could have better insight, but it seems like you need to make up YOUR mind: Give your WAW more time (after kicking her out or allowing her to stay with you) or file.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
It wouldn't actually be a rush into allowing another woman to move in with me because she is on the other side of the world and the soonest she would be here would be December.
That being said, once I extend the invitation it will start a sequence of events in motion that will close the door to reconciliation for good.
I guess that a little bit of wisdom from the Matrix would apply here. In my mind I have already made the choice and now I am here to understand why I made it.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Casey, just my opinion but I might step back and think twice about ultimatum with wife. Also other w at this point although she might be a good catch for you, you haven't finished business with wife. I know I haven't been myself since this mess started. I want to be my best when thinking about what I have to offer another Woman and rt now although I am lonely I know anything I got into would be unfair to other person. You do have a S with w and be the better person and act like that person and you will shine. I been living in dead marraige for last yr and it stinks. I am slowly starting to realize I will be fine without her as my w. I don't look at her as my w rt now. I don't like who she is towards me. A new Woman with your 7 yr old might not be best for now. Just my 2cents
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Casey, do not make the ultimatum. IF, and a big IF you really feel like closing the door or believe you really want to issue the ultimatum, then DO NOT tell her. Just do it. Remember, words mean nothing to them. When your wife moves out, and you really want to have the other w move in with you, then simply extend the invitation. And somehow let your W know. Not as a punishment, not to illicit a response, but just sort of in passing. "oh, by the way, OW will be moving in with me in December, so no rush, but just make sure all of your stuff is out of this place by then." Then walk away. And be happy. But you have to truly be happy, and ok to move on.
Otherwise what you posted looks like a threat in which you WANT her to decide to stay. I can promise you with absolute certainty if you made that demand and gave her 1 day, she will say 'see ya' She simply is not ready. Now, if she sees you moving on and you do not say a word, she will stop and think. Maybe nothing now, but maybe in a few months, it might be what breaks the fog. No guarantee, but she certainly will not break free from the fog with an ultimatum.
Good luck buddy
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Talked with W's GF today; she said that the landlord was asking for an answer on whether or not she takes the apartment. I guess this is finally starting to get real for W. GF said W asked her for advice on what to do because she is so confused with her life right now; gf told her she wouldn't give her any advice because she ignored all the previous advice she gave her. Landlord is expecting her to move in this week so reality is going to be beating her over the head very shortly...
W dropped all her college classes less than a week after she started them; complained to gf that she didn't have the time to take the online classes with her fulltime job and that she had to pay for books and didn't have any money. Gf (to her credit) told her that she could get the money anytime she wanted (by reconciling with me), and that living as a single mom is much harder than W has imagined it is going to be.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Gf (to her credit) told her that she could get the money anytime she wanted (by reconciling with me), and that living as a single mom is much harder than W has imagined it is going to be.
Just be careful. You do not want her coming back to you because she feels she cannot make it on her own. For one, she will not love you for it, but rather resent you. Second, she will leave you again as soon as she feels more financially stable.
My W is out on her own for the first time in her life now. I do not think she has a clue how hard it will be to do simple things like pay her rent/utilities/etc all off what is likely to be an entry level job. However, right now she seems to be spending like a drunken sailer, so I have no idea where she got the money unless she did manage to save up a bunch over the summer. Even then, that will run out. Best to just let them be and find out things on their own.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
