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Casey Offline OP
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It is funny you should say that:

Quote:
Ok what if she went with those other men because she thinks you are too good for her and she feels she can keep up with that? Would that make you feel better?


She did tell me that after I confronted her in Feb.

And no, it didn't make me feel any better about it.


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

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Its your ego the one that keeps confronting this situation, its like when you compete in a race and you finish second....you dont appreciate the fact that you competed or even finished, instead you focus in the 20 seconds that separate you from victory, well think about all the good that made the simply fact that you participate and keep training.

You didn't loose my friend, she just went a different path and it hurts a lot but that doesnt made you less worth of a person, believe that in this life love will choose you without looking for it. Somebody will loooove every minute they spend with you and share your values, there are many people with different values than you and at certain point they will arise. Would you change them because of that? No, you will love yourself and work on you and one day a person with the same values will share a precious time with you, as simple as that.

Now stand up, pick yourself up, cry as a m..fcker be sad, be depressed, use external help, annoy your family and friends with nonsense questions, let it all out overhere and do that one day at the time, we are here for you, in time all that suffering will be gone and at that point your movie will have a different argument wink


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
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Casey Offline OP
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Several things have occurred since my last post. Today I took my S7 to the swimming pool and worked with him on improving his swimming. I have not been as involved with my son as I should have been and it felt good to put some effort into doing something with him. I was thinking about it tonight; how I tried so hard to get scraps of attention from my WAW for the past year, and the irony of how hard my son has tried to get scraps of my attention. I have decided that whatever else happens, my son needs to have a greater importance in my life than he has been.

I also got some lap swimming in; my body is no longer used to that kind of activity and I only swam about 10 laps. But it is a start and my goal is to be swimming a mile at a session by the end of the year. I am not fat but I have let my weight get away from me since I left the military and it is a constant irritation to my self esteem.

GAL activity included going out to dinner with friends on my day off; still working on resuming my flight instruction.

W and I got into a long R talk Monday night; I didn't mean to get into that but we kept things civil. We talked about her moving out and she was very emotional but she didn't back down from living on her own. However, I expect that she will not move unless I keep nagging her about it. For me, seeing OMs while living in apt that I pay for is a firm boundary and I expect her to go and pay her own way if she wants to do that. It will be easier to work on GAL and make myself into someone that W would be a fool to leave once she is not around every day getting resentful. W will never feel a sense of loss as long as we see one another every day. From my reading of others threads, it seems to me the most successful were those who were able to withdraw and cause their W to pursue them.

I also read all of Bond's threads that I could find. I never managed to find the ones where he reconciled though, but it was definately inspirational! There are many here who have wise advice and Sandi2, Bond, and Starsky are welcome to use the 2x4s on me as required.


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 63
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Casey Offline OP
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Today, I noticed a new apartment complex under construction a short distance from my son's school is advertising pre-leasing. I sent a text to W to let her know about it and that there are 2 & 3 bdrm units available. She has talked about getting a visa so her mom can come and stay here to help with S; this preceded the current crisis.

Anyway, no reply to message, and none really expected; after all, ignoring messages from me is nothing new since BD last Sept. I see pushing her out to be on her own a crucial step towards starting the DB process. W is heavily cake-eating right now and avoids me even though we rarely see one another.

Anyone else have similar issues with a WAW who would not physically leave even though they were emotionally checked out? How did you resolve this?


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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Quote:
Anyone else have similar issues with a WAW who would not physically leave even though they were emotionally checked out? How did you resolve this?


Stop paying rent in your current place. Force the move.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Casey Offline OP
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Pilot,

I just went and read your entire thread. Good luck, it appears you have things well in control!

It is funny how you mention you were at the top of your game when you met your wife; I too was at the top of mine. I was just coming out of my first marriage which I had entered into for the wrong reasons; thankfully there had been no children involved. I was in the best shape in my life due to getting ready for Special Forces tryouts, I was learning to speak a second language (russian), I had started taking flight lessons which was something I had always wanted to do, and I was having my ego stroked daily by the attention of many available women including my future wife at my jobsite. She was by far the prettiest and most intelligent of the women I worked with; for that matter the prettiest woman I had ever met, and winning her affection did a tremendous boost to my self-confidence.

Fast forward several years, a change in service, a new child, and several bad financial moves which cost us an enormous amount of income and lost income, and my confidence was gone, my marriage on the rocks with my W having had an affair and planning to leave me. Even though we eventually reconciled, my mojo never returned and I realize that my lack of self confidence is a major turn-off.

I went from having an insecure wife who was extremely jealous and constantly worried that I would find someone else and leave to a W who is no longer afraid of me and now calls the shots because it became clear to her that I needed her more than she needed me. This dynamic needs to change and regaining my confidence is a major piece of that. Today I went for a jog and brought my son along so he could ride his bike. Getting in shape is a high priority right now, right behind improving my relationship with my son.

When I read about your money issues and the need to keep your W's credit good, I see myself. I also did the same things which means I am now being hassled by junk debt buyers for old written off credit cards while my WAW has mostly flawless credit. I cannot stop paying on the apartment, which is in my name anyway, without risking the possibility that I might not be able to get another one in this tight rental market due to my poor credit history. After giving the issue some thought last night I have a plan; I am on a month by month lease so I can end the lease with a month's notice. I just have to find another apartment and get a lease lined up then give notice to my WAW and landlord; she would have to make a lease agreement with landlord and I get my deposit back; then W has to start bearing some of the costs which I have borne for the past year and it forces her to have to start seeing what a life without me would actually be like. W makes little over half of what I make but she pays very few bills so most of that money goes to clothes and cosmetics, etc., for attracting the OMs she is seeing.

This is so frustrating, to have to do all this work just so the real work can begin. But the current course of action is not working so I really need to shake things up before progress can begin.

Last edited by Casey; 08/15/14 11:39 PM. Reason: spelling/grammar

Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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Hi Casey,

Just offering support - I can relate.

I felt the same way re my h about a month ago, but could not act in haste re my child (who went through major change before the mlc event).
I know what you mean re:
- having to do everything
- the WAW/MLC hanging around re: lack of choice > $$
- room for contempt is 'compounded' because space is shared ...

I have often felt that I am 'shooting myself in the foot' - working for someone who hates me & is USING me. You're on a 'different spot' on the grid in comp. to me, so your approach at this time must be suited to your goals, your plans (although our sitch[s] are similar).

The more seasoned DBers will help you here.
Take care, p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

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Casey Offline OP
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Wow! I never realized how badly out of shape I had let myself become! Just returned from a jog, I don't think I even managed a mile! And to think, I once ran five miles at a time and didn't think anything of it... There has to be a metaphor in there somewhere. About becoming so weak that burdens one used to bear easily become almost unbearable. And the solution is to become stronger or lose some of that luggage, or both.


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
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Originally Posted By: Casey
There has to be a metaphor in there somewhere. About becoming so weak that burdens one used to bear easily become almost unbearable. And the solution is to become stronger or lose some of that luggage, or both.


Yes! So true! I'm noticing this with myself, too. I'm desperate to feel physically stronger because I'm noticing I'm feeling emotionally, spiritually and mentally stronger. It's amazing how they are all linked.

Keep on running. It's a great place to think, right?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Casey Offline OP
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I had a question; maybe someone out there has an answer...

I work midnight shift Tue - Sun, and I was thinking that maybe that might be a large part of why W is not leaving. She works second shift from three until midnight and neither one of us makes enough for daycare for our stb 8yr old. Any of you with children in a similar situation feel free to chime in. How do you manage to watch your children by yourself when your work schedule does not line up with your child's school schedule?

Please do not say get a different job or shift; for me that is unrealistic. My current job, which is with the railroad, pays well enough that I could live as a single parent if I had to, and the benefits and security are excellent. Unfortunately, I have to pay my dues so-to-speak, and after several yrs I can get onto a better shift when I have seniority.

I have no clue how W plans to do it; having thought about it a lot in the past several days I have now come to the conclusion that that is most likely why she doesn't leave because I am her daycare. She has no girlfriends who can help her out with that, and neither one of us has family here. She wants to bring her mom here but it would only be for 6 months at most before her mother would have to return to her country, and W doesn't have the resources to pay for living on her own let alone another family member.

Maybe I need to rent a three bedroom apartment and sublet one of them to an attractive college student in return for childcare blush


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

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