Thanks for checking in Maybell. I was on a business trip all week, not much time to check the boards.
Honestly? I'm so thrilled for all the posters who are experiencing big, positive changes in their situations. There is a lot of potential for reconciled marriages.
And at the same time, I was thinking while I was away how much I miss having someone to share my life with. I texted my H to check in on how he was doing-- D3 stayed with him all week -- and he felt it was appropriate to tell me how crazy his week was at work... but of course hadn't asked anything at all about how my very first business trip, across the country, doing a brand new project with a brand new team, was going. He can't bring himself to muster one "How are you?" even while he's complaining about how his life is going.
So, I text back, "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you get a chance to relax this weekend."
And then, I came home to a big sign on the door that said, "Welcome Home Mama" that my D3 made with her babysitter. My heart melted. And at the same time, I realized that I had never done something like that for my H when he went on a trip. I only thought about what it was like for me to be home alone with our D3, and never about what it was like for him to be away from home.
And I've been reading MWD's FB page, and another page with similar sentiments... and their posts both remind me of how dysfunctional our M was, and also make it clear that the dysfunction was a) very common, and b) fixable.
So, where does all this rambling leave me? i don't know. I feel so proud of myself, had a great, exciting week and feel very accomplished. And wish I could share it with a partner. I know I wasn't the wife I should have been, or can be. But was I so horrible that he can't even entertain the possibility of things getting better? That sux. That makes me so sad about all of this. I think I deserve better. I am a flawed person who has made many mistakes and took my H for granted, and didn't take responsibility for my mental health issues, but I am a good person and worthy of forgiveness and hope and love from the man who promised all of that to me.
Hope you are doing ok, too, Maybell. Sounds like there has been a lot going on for you.
Claire - I don't have much time to comment but I did want to say as you've followed my situation. My H never once could ask me how are you, even when I reached out to him, no matter what I did or didn't do or said or didn't say he could never ask about me.... And look where I am right now. Just want you to know things change and have the potentional to change.
I never thought even 2 weeks ago I would be spending the night out with H and our boys.
Claire, my H asks how I am but deflects talking about himself. Always has. It's just as hurtful as being disregarded. I guess we don't get to pick our poison.
Congratulations on your career milestone! I'm glad the babysitter was so thoughtful.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Totally random, but just watched Beyonce' blow up the MTV VMA's... She is amazing. There are rumors swirling that she and Jay-Z are on the rocks. Want to send them DR!
Claire I am so glad things went well on your trip.
Welcoming someone home after being away is always something well-received. I'm impressed with the babysitter but even more impressed with your ability to see how you saw that situation with your H when he would come home from traveling. I could have done more in the same department for sure.
Your H's one sided view sounds familiar. His woes and struggles are always forefront of his mind. They should be honored, sure, but what about YOU? I know. It's a balance and I'm learning that if you're doing a good job of taking care of yourself, you don't need him to ask about your business trip. You rocked it, you know it. His asking is icing... but build your own delicious cake. Be the strong, graceful woman you already are.
Annnd... ending this thread with a confession. I was a bad DB'er. So, I emailed my H to update him on something logistical, and added the little realization I had above (that I never took the time to consider his perspective when he traveled, or welcomed him home lovingly. I told him I was sorry for that, and that if I had the chance to do it again, that is one of many things I would do differently.
No response, of course. Though, I wasn't expecting one. I really just want him to know that I realize the ways in which I wasn't the partner I can and want to be. One of his complaints was that he didn't feel loved-- he didn't feel like I put enough time and attention into our relationship. He's right.
I guess all I can do is continue to be the best me I can be, which includes having compassion for myself when I make a mistake and send an ill-timed email that will only push him further away. Oh well.
You put it out there, you were being vulnerable, that's OK. In fact that's good and you should have compassion for you, look at what you're learning. You're not sitting in a corner somewhere blaming others for your life. Sometimes we have to apologize or make amends for past hurts in order to move forward.
You're taking control of what you can control. You're owning your actions.
Say whatever you want as long as it's your truth and you have no expectations.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I guess I'll end this thread with a big thank you to labug. I really appreciate your words of support. He has still not responded at all to that message, but has continued to send logistical requests, including a request to set the date for our next mediation appointment to review/revise our parenting agreement.
I think I'm back to anger again. I deserve so much better than this. After showing him such significant changes (that he's acknowledged), he still won't even entertain the possibility of rebuilding our marriage. And he can't even respond to any messages that raise any issues. After 8 years together, (6 married), and a child, I can't believe he thinks it's ok to just up and walk out one day and never speak of it again, or make any real attempt to repair.
I'm still stuck in this place of being so completely bewildered that a grownup can behave this way towards someone he promised his life to and had a child with.
When do I get to scream at him and share some of MWD's work and ask him, Why are you completely unwilling to do ANYTHING to try to make this work? (I know. I don't. )
Time for a new thread, maybe that will give me a new train of thought.
