Starting off a new thread with some positives! (And then I need to get to bed. Finally reaching goal I set months ago-- no evening naps on the couch, and in bed before midnight. Have reached that goal consistently for a week, except for Wed night. Woo hoo!)
Have been solo with D3 pretty consistently since Sunday 3 pm, except for Monday evening and an hour on Wednesday morning. We had a fabulous week, and I feel really blessed to have had the chance to spend such great time with her, I feel proud of myself for getting us out the door to fun places and keeping the house running ok, and feel hope that even though it's hard and heart-breaking to do this on my own, I CAN. I have family and friends who are supportive.
Wow. Had such a fabulous week with my D3. And now my thoughts are all over the place. Anger, some acceptance (I mean, it has been 10 months, after all, and I am living my life quite well...), and a whole lotta sadness at the unnecessary tragedy of the situation.
I know that I'm not totally detached, but I think I am a step closer. I saw H a couple of times today-- for about 45 minutes this morning, and another 45 minutes this afternoon. He was super grumpy this morning. I was friendly, neighborly, tested the waters a bit by asking "How are you liking your new job?" and "How was your weekend?" stuff like that. He answered politely. I did not let his grumpy mood, or the fact that he has walled himself off from me affect me.
Same this afternoon. I found myself feeling like I don't have much interest in him, at least the way he is now, so why do I even care if he wants to be married to me?
I know my value as a woman, a mom, a partner, a friend. If he can't see it... HIS LOSS. I certainly don't plan on being single forever.
BUT-- the fact that we are still legally married, and all our $ is still joint, made me go hmmm after reading Maybell's thread. I mean, if I died tomorrow, he would get whatever I have. (Not much, but still...). Given our situation, do I have ANY grounds for asking him whether he is dating?
I feel like, since he is fairly dark to me, all I can do is LRT and get great insight here when co-parenting situations come up. But I'm wondering whether there is anything else I can be DOING wrt our R?? Or do I just keep doing my own thing waiting (NOT just WAITING, but I hope you know what I mean) for him to decide?
too tired to write anything else coherent... but lots of swirling thoughts.
I missed your previous post, but yes, you are strong! And wonderful!
Do you know what you want? I don't mean just your H, but generally? I guess I'm getting at the question of purpose I discussed with my brother this past week. You have a challenging & fulfilling job. You have a D3 (cherish that age, it was probably my favorite with my D, though she's amazing now too). You have your changes and your support crew, and I bet you're pretty darn easy on the eyes, too.
To me, the simple fact of still being legally married entitles me to certain basic information. It entitles me to knowing where my H lives, for example. It entitles me to say I'm not ok with you dating other women.* In my state, if we are legally separated and he has sex with another woman that is legally adultery and I'm entitled to reparation for that. I know it may not be true in every state but it's nice to see some things codified. I get a little confidence from that and so I speak up for it.
To me, you are entitled to know if your legal spouse is dating other women. How and when you ask may vary based on your goals, but it's still basic information to which you are entitled. You've been waiting ten months. Do you want movement? Do you want to give it more time? Do you want information so you can process? Those things will determine how and whether you exercise your rights.
Vossy pointed out to me that my situation has a lot of positives, and since I only feel responsible for my changes to myself and not for any response I'm getting from my H these days, I don't know that I'm necessarily qualified to offer suggestions. So all I want to do is offer my thinking and maybe suggest some ways of approaching your situation that might throw new light on things. I wish I could wave a magic wand over you to make everything ok. I'm wondering these days if you have a clear picture of what getting to ok would look like? Or what it would look like once you got there?
* to me there's a difference between saying I am strongly opposed to your dating and you can't date. Given that one of his obligations to me under the law is that he forsake all others, I don't think it's unreasonable to express my desire that he fulfill his end of the contract. Which is the state's primary interest in marriage, after all, the contract.
Last edited by Maybell; 08/12/1403:16 AM. Reason: To make it truer
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks so much Maybell! You are really really good at this. Are you a C? If not, have you thought about doing that?
Originally Posted By: Maybell
Do you know what you want? I don't mean just your H, but generally? I guess I'm getting at the question of purpose I discussed with my brother this past week. You have a challenging & fulfilling job. You have a D3 (cherish that age, it was probably my favorite with my D, though she's amazing now too). You have your changes and your support crew, and I bet you're pretty darn easy on the eyes, too.
So interesting... my IC asked me yesterday if I could imagine being with someone where I would feel cherished. And I haven't used that word before, but that is it! Maybe it was just simply that he couldn't speak my LL, but I did not feel cherished. I felt like he would take care of me, our finances, do things to "make me happy" (a Sisyphian task since I was depressed and had out-of-control anxiety), but then resent me for having to do those things without the payoff of my "happiness". I've been thinking a lot lately of times when I just didn't feel like we were part of the same team. Maybe I am just focusing on the negatives, but I do recall feeling that way during our M a lot.
So, what do I want? Not in any particular order: -- I want my feelings to be validated. If I tell someone I feel hurt by what they did or said, I want them to say, "I think I get what you are saying. I'm sorry", not "Oh, come on." -- I want to be cherished. I want words of affirmation. I want someone to hold my face and look me in the eyes and say, "I love you. You are beautiful, and smart, and I am so lucky to be with you" like they mean it. -- I want to feel like I am on the same team as my partner. If a problem comes up, we can hold hands and say, "Let's try to solve this together."
Quote:
You've been waiting ten months. Do you want movement? Do you want to give it more time? Do you want information so you can process? Those things will determine how and whether you exercise your rights.
I think I'm at a confident enough place where I want movement. But at the same time, I can see (and hear from his family) that he is struggling. So, if he is on the fence (like he doesn't actually want this to happen, but still can't see any way out), and I push him... that would probably tip him over the edge. I've been at this long enough that I don't need to do that.
Quote:
I'm wondering these days if you have a clear picture of what getting to ok would look like? Or what it would look like once you got there?
Ok for me? Or for my M? I'm not totally sure of the question.
I'm not a counselor. I just like people and find them interesting. I feel really privileged when I get to peek inside a person's mask and I pay attention when I get the chance.
I find it interesting that you talk about yourself and your marriage as separate entities. Why would that be? To me, a marriage is the relationship where you get to be your truest self. This is why DBing is about working on yourself. So what is ok for you should be ok for the marriage. The only open question then is whether your H is ready to be ok as well. The marriage isn't its own thing. It's the space you create for both of you to live without your masks.
I guess my question meant, given who your H is and who you are becoming, what would your life be like in a restored marriage? What would the overall feel or atmosphere be? What sorts of things would you do together, and how frequently? What would you be like apart? what would you like to do to support him, and what would it feel like to be your strong self within the marriage? How would his support of you in the new marriage be different from what you described above, given the changes you've made? What might he be like, and would you like that?
Since he just started a very stressful new position it's probably best not to expect too much of him for a while. You wouldn't get good attention from him under the best of circumstances, right? Embarking on what is essentially a new relationship now is not realistic.
I hope this helps...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think that for me, there is a way to go about a separation that is geared towards figuring out what we want... with the ultimate hope that the M will work out. H and W could even discuss the parameters of the S. For ex: is dating allowed?
In my case, my H still wears his ring (at least in front of me, most of the time), his FB status still says he is married to me, his gmail and Twitter pics are from our honeymoon and Babylon trips-- I took both of the pics (I am not in the pics), and-- maybe most importantly(?), our finances are still all joint-- although he has an individual acct that I don't have access to, and I can't see what he purchases on our shared AMEX acct which he pays for. Not sure if he can see my purchases.
Anyway, in this situation, I feel like him dating without my knowledge feels like betrayal. For us to move forward he would need to come clean, and break off all contact with whoever it was.
But.. I think the chances of us reconciling are slim to none right now. I think he is not moving forward legally b/c he is just too overwhelmed with other things in his life and he trusts that I won't take advantage of his $$.
We are meeting this week to discuss childcare for coming year. Can I ask him why he has taken off his ring?? If so, how would I say that?
