So I have a question that I really could use some input on, please. I consulted with a L today, who explained where I might come out financially, and suggested that I be the one to file sooner rather than later. I can't keep H from wasting marital assets or moving around the assets without something in the system. One bummer is that it will be to my financial advantage to sell the house, and although I really wanted to stay, I understand the reason.
I then called my friend who is a L in another state, and he advised dragging it out as long as possible because by filing that forces the sale of the house. His opinion is that if we live separately but H continues to pay the bills, that's the way to go. I get to stay in the house until H decides to file. But I have no legal protection if H decides to be a jerk.
What is boils down to, then, is how much do I want to protect myself and my children v. how much I want my H back and how much I trust him to do the right thing? What do you think?
I think that's a tough one. Most of us have probably gotten some legal advice along the way - but the different states have so many different ways of handling things. I see that Florida does not have "Legal Separations"- which might have been an a better option.
Have you and H had any financial discussions at all? Would he be open to some sort of written agreement?
Have you and H had any financial discussions at all? Would he be open to some sort of written agreement?
We have put together an informal separation agreement, not legally binding, but just between the two of us. It says that during the separation period, which is supposed to be four months, we will make as few changes to our finances as possible. He will continue to pay for all the things he pays for now, which is most things as he makes multiples of my salary. And although I know that's his intention, there's no guarantee that once he moves out and OW has his ear that he won't start to believe that I should be paying for more and he should be spending more on a nicer apartment or taking her on vacations or whatever. It's just hard to know what will go through his MLC brain. As the L pointed out to me, nice guys don't cheat on their wives. And I'll have no legal protection, only his word.
See the section on "separation agreements". The courts can't enforce them (go after your husband if he doesn't do what he is supposed to) but it looks like they could still be used in a divorce proceeding.
Do you have access to his accounts? Can you see if he is moving money around? Maybe you can add that to your agreement. You can file pretty quickly if you start to see any funny business.
That being said - it's a tough choice. I know when I saw a lawyer he really encouraged me to file as well. In my case the main issue is that I would be legally responsible for any debt he runs up in this time - and I'm not worried about that. You sound like you have a lot more to protect.
Thanks raliced. Yes I monitor our accounts daily and so far it seems he's being above board. House and investments are joint. The danger would be his moving it out. I'd get it back eventually, assuming he didn't spend it, but it could take a while. And I'm looking for the least disruption to my kids in terms of housing, school, lifestyle.
Anyone else want to weigh in on file now or wait it out?
Not much to journal today, H was out late again last night. He came home after I went to bed and only got up as we were walking out the door this morning, so not much interaction.
We have emailed a bit about how to share parenting time with D11. He is proposing a week with mom a week with dad. The thought of that turns my stomach. I have no intention of giving her up for an entire week, nor do I see how he would have time for that. Reference above paragraph for an example of his typical schedule. For those of you who have similarly-aged children, how do you do it?
I didn't see your paragraph about your H's schedule, but I have my kids full time and H has them every other weekend.
Is your H being at all cooperative? Can you talk to him about setting aside a chunk of money in, perhaps a kind of escrow account supervised by the attorney, in the event things between you and your H go further south?
Good luck...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, my H travels for business a great deal and is out on business dinners one or two nights a week. He generally doesn't come home from the office until 7:30 or 8:00pm on a good night. I don't see how you can properly supervise the needs of an 11-year old with that kind of schedule. After he made the week on/week off proposal, I countered with he comes to dinner one week night at the house and she stays with him every other weekend. That was just a while ago and he hasn't replied yet. We haven't addressed the 16-year old at all.
As far as money, I consider him cooperative because it doesn't appear that he's hiding anything, he answers any questions that I ask about money, and we have agreed that during the separation things will not change financially. I may be over-thinking things here, but it's just kind of hard to trust him these days.
I had never intended to file myself, I always thought that if he really wanted it, then he'd have to do it himself. The meeting with the L just made me start thinking about things in a more objective way. Right now I'm leaning towards gathering my documentation but not taking any legal action. The longer this all drags out, the longer I stay in the house, with or without him. The kids don't have to be uprooted, and that's my primary goal.
Your sitch is very similar to mine. I did give the documentation to the L to minimize the possibility of him hiding things, though I don't think he'd do that. If nothing else, I always have the option of turning to my in-laws if I really must.
Don't ya hate all this? I do. Hugs...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Yes, I do. The point of this separation is supposed to be for both of us to "gain clarity" about what we want to do going forward. The funny thing was that in the beginning I was clear that I wanted to save my marriage, but it's becoming equally clear that if he actually walks out and we have to tell the kids and "share" them, if I have to uproot them from their house, if there's any possibility they have to change schools, then I'm probably done. There's not a lot of middle ground for me. I know that divorces happen every day, that kids have to move and change schools for all kinds of reasons and that they turn out fine. But if the reason is that H is just being self-centered, then I'm going to have a hard time forgiving that. Forgive the affair, yes. Forgive what you've done to my kids, I don't know. (Someone hit me upside the head, please, if necessary. But that's what I'm feeling right now.)
