I know what you mean about not being sure you have the fight in you for years. I've been there. But, then when I consider the alternatives, I find that there's a little deeper to dig....
Somebody help me with this, please. Here's where I get hung up. If things were to stay, exactly as they are, even right now, I would wait it out for 7 more years (until the youngest child graduates from HS). I would live with little affection, not as much s*x as I want, his sharp tongue, and I would even put up with OW as long my kids and friends don't know. I know some of you are possibly shocked by that, but it's what I'm doing now and I would do it for years because I believe it best for my children. We have a very normal home life, H is a good dad, and I think my kids are better off for it.
HOWEVER, once H moves out and my children's lives are disrupted, being shuffled from house to house, having to put up with dad's attention being shifted to OW and possibly her children (don't know who she is), putting their financial well-being into jeopardy, then that's where I no longer see the appeal of waiting. The alternative at that point, once I can no longer protect my kids, seems OK to me. What else do I have to lose?
Another uneventful day of journaling. Family dinner, laid back evening. Conversations about bathroom remodel, dorm room packing, nothing eventful, nothing helpful. Limbo.
Originally Posted By: MLP
Rppfl -
You both have free will here.
MLP this is helpful to realize. I've been looking at it as H calling all the shots, most of our marriage, really, but most certainly now. I don't have the ability to undo the damage he's trying his best to inflict, but I do have the free will in how I to respond to it. That's hard to remember sometimes.
I have the name of a different L that I might call for a consultation, and a friend is supposed to be getting me another name. I'm annoyed that the first one who messed up the appointment on Wednesday didn't contact me to apologize or even explain. Unprofessional IMO.
This weekend will be focused on dorm packing. We will need to work out some kid schedule things for next week, it will be a challenge to get the girls to different schools at the right time. The schools are quite a distance apart, and the difference in start times doesn't give me the drive time I need between them. A couple of weeks ago H said he could take D11 to her school most days, but I can count on one hand the number of days that H has taken any of our children to school in the past 15 years. I'm not counting on it.
Good morning. Another day of DBing. This weekend will be focused on getting everyone ready for school to start Monday. All three kiddos still need some things and all the dorm stuff has to be packed up. I'm gonna cry like a baby when that boy leaves. He is the calm one and my gym buddy.
I asked H to take D11 to school Monday and he said yes. I have one day covered. That's a start!
That's true Wonka, he is a good dad. And he has a particularly close relationship with D11, which he seems to have put extra effort into the past 6 months. I am guessing he saw the need to build it up a little so it would survive his walking out. Mindreading. But if it's better for D11, then I'll take it, no matter the motivation.
Last night was tough. We had a special dinner to celebrate S18 leaving for college on Tuesday. As we were eating dessert, D16 started talking about my upcoming 50th birthday (it's in January) and saying how H and I should take a special trip. Remember, none of the kids know. So that was awkward. And then the conversation shifted to my job, because I work at the church/school where they've all gone for elementary and now they are all gone but I still work there. They were talking about my getting a different job. I said that as long as I had to work that's the job I want, but a year ago I had really wanted to be able to quit and not work right now. That was awkward also because not only can I not quit, I may have to get a different job to be able to pay the bills. Life is definitely not turning out like I wanted. I went to bed and cried for a good hour.
Sorry you had an awkward night. It's okay to have a good cry every now and then. It can be rather cathartic.
I think all of us at some point grapple with the "life hasn't turned out the way I thought." It may be difficult to believe right now, however there IS a reason why life is what it is right now. It can be better than evah!!!!! Hang in there:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thanks Georgiabelle. It's very difficult to believe that things can be better than what I thought I had. The M was by no means perfect, but I was committed and thought H was too. I thought we were going to grow old together and things would get better as the kids got older and more self-sufficient. It's hard to give that vision up. BUT since I don't really have a choice, I guess I need to work on that.
I think all of us at some point grapple with the "life hasn't turned out the way I thought."
GB, I've been considering this all day, and I thought of families I know whose lives didn't turn out the way they thought. The couple whose youngest daughter died unexpectedly at 16. The single lady who was diagnosed with leukemia last week. The kids who found their dad dead when they got home from school. The family whose house had to be leveled because of black mold. The woman whose husband shot himself in their backyard. The guy who died because he went to the bathroom and choked alone instead of asking for help. The mom who had to raise three boys by herself after her husband died of a brain tumor. I personally know these all these people. I guess sometimes life just doesn't work out like you thought it was going to. I just need to get into a frame of mind where I'm not blaming others, specifically H of course, for mine not turning out like I wanted.
Those are horrible tragedies and I too know many people who have dealt with some incredibly strenuous circumstances. Everyone has difficulties in their lives and pain comes in a variety of circumstances. And while I certainly would never minimize anyone's pain, I can say that although my h and I each grew up with parents who valued marriage and commitment, (And D is practically unheard of in my h's family), this doesn't define the person I am or the person I aspire to be. My children are loved and it pains me greatly to see them hurt as they have experience a great deal the last 18 months.
I genuinely do think this and never want to sound cavalier, however, you deal with the deck of cards you get. We never know what the future holds regardless of what we have planned or wished for. There are some things that are simply out of our control. We literally only get one shot at this thing called life and for me, my goal is to say that I did what I thought was best and know each night when I put my head on my pillow, that I lived that day with integrity and some humor. One door may close and another always opens. We just have to be aware enough to see them.
It's a adjustment-not a nail in the coffin. Hope your day is getting better.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 08/18/1406:41 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
