Feeling stronger than ever

[2BHappy]

meligh4, I love your title for this thread.

I loved to read that you are working on you and GAL and doing family things without your H.

US LBS have to continue to move forward, while leaving a door open for our S's if they decide to return and we are still open to a R with them.

It's hard to validate when you want to defend and or correct what the MLC is saying, sometimes we will get it right and sometimes not.

I also got back to loving myself, pampering myself, buying new clothes and under garments, spending extra time getting myself ready.. I also had put me on the back burner when I become a Mom and a wife, this was wrong for me and for my M.
Whatever the outcome, we have to continue to work on being the best we can be. I dont want the old me back or the old M.

My H MLC has been a gift to me in a way...

[Matt165]

Hi mleigh,
I think what you said was fine. In fact, based on his response, it seems like it was the perfect response! I would kill to hear my W say half those things!

I think it was the right thing to say because it's so true. My W before leaving tried over and over again to find a way to be able to go and not have to say it was her idea. She'd say or do something awful, I would react, she would spew about how it was all my fault that she did what she did and how horrible I am....you know the "dance of the MLC fairies". After, she would ask me if I felt "too uncomfortable" with her living with me knowing that she "no longer wanted to be M" or sometimes "no longer 'in love' with me" or whatever it was that time, that she could move out. Maybe go to her mothers or something....
It's a cop out IMO. A way for them to get the LBS to be the "bad guy". Not their idea to leave. Not their idea to not do things as a family, no, it's because YOU felt "uncomfortable". Great way to push the responsibility onto the LBS.

I think what you said was great. You made it known that you still want to be a family, that none of this was your idea and he needs to understand that this is all happening because of what HE is doing, not YOU.

If I were you I wouldn't "over think" this. IMO, what you said was perfect!

[mleigh4]

Thank you 2behappy and Matt!

Matt, my H recently told his mom that he doesn't leave because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. Even after I have asked him to move out a couple of times for my own sanity. I honestly don't know why he is here. To have his part time family, then also be able to escape us when the opportunity comes up? It infuriates me. Even though I am GAL, I feel so used and taken advantage of in my own home. It is like he is waiting me out, so he can say "she filed". It is truly the most confusing, frustrating and exhausting situation I have ever dealt with.

[mleigh4]

I have been thinking a lot about some posting about not being open to our MLC'ers. About being closed off to where they may not feel safe to approach. I believe I haven't been very approachable. I also have been paying close attention to our home and the atmosphere here. In all honesty, it hasn't had the best vibe for awhile. Of course, most of that is due to the sitch, but there are things I can change to make things better for all of us.

For example, I pick up S after work and we almost always get home before H. Usually by the time H gets home, I'm absorbed in a book and S will be absorbed in a game. Sometimes we don't or barely say hi to one another. Horrible! How can you blame H for feeling like an outsider? ( he has said that before). I have noticed that we tend to all be in different rooms most of the night. Now, in my defense, I do that to give H space right now. But maybe he doesn't always want that? And what kind of example is that for S? So I decided to try something different tonight. When H got home, I right away said hi. When H started complaining about traffic, I put my book down and went to sit next to him to listen. He talked and talked and talked about his day and work. Well, then time for dinner and now he wants to watch a movie all together. What!!?? I wasn't expecting such a nice reaction, I am pleasantly surprised

H and S just left to do a quick run to the store, my S wants some water colors to paint us some Halloween pics, then movie time.

I plan on trying out some more 180's with no expectations of course. I think I am strong enough now to test some stuff out without feeling too devastated with rejection? It's worth a try, certainly can't hurt.

Thanks to all this week. It's been tough for some reason, I have been really emotional. But the change in me has been to not react on those emotions. To just feel and think about them. It's true about us being in a bit of a fog. I feel I come in and out of it a lot.

[job]

The motto here is "when something isn't working, try something different". If you do some 180's and maybe open up a bit and try to chat w/your h about things that he might be interested in, he may very well reach out to you a wee bit. Try not to engage in relationship talks because he may very well shut down and walk away.

Keep your expectations low and try to think of him as a skittish kitten who needs some coaxing to come near you. Drop some of those kindness kibbles down and see if he'll reach for them.

Good luck!

[mleigh4]

Thanks Job. Yes, I think I am ready to do that and also be able to do it with no expectations. I also am doing everything in my power to not initiate any R talk. I feel it's ok to express feelings once in a while, but I don't want to go into "what is the plan? What are we going to do?" Because I honestly don't think we are anywhere near knowing the answer to that.

The bottom line is, I love my H. I want to grow old with him, that hasn't changed. So do I stomp my feet and risk losing almost 15 years of what we have built because of a really bad rough patch? No. I need to let this ride out on its own. When I look back at how H handled me during my shutdown period, I think he used great DBing tactics. He didn't push, gave me space, never threatened to leave, he was just there. And sure enough I came back. Now obviously it took its toll on him, but now it's my turn to be the lighthouse. With the understanding that he may or may not come back. It has to be his choice and on his timeline.

For the last 14 years, I have always described my H as a very stand up guy. My description was always that he is an honest to goodness good guy. A man you could count on. He never gave me a reason to think he was lying, never was a wandering eye or flirt, always responsible. Almost to a point where I sometimes thought of him as somewhat boring? I know it's horrible. I only say that because before H, I was normally attracted to bad boys or guys that gave me a challenge. Someone I could "fix". H was a relief from all of that. I decided I would take boring over drama anyday.

But I catch myself, creating this monster of H in my head. Actually this sitch has made both of us make monsters out of each other. The accusations we have made to each other have not been good. H has accused me of things that I would never do, and it makes me sad to think of how he sees me now. One comment he said to me really sticks. I had told him that I couldn't put into words how much he and my friend hurt me with there after hours one night of texting. He replied that he can't put into words how much it hurt him that I believed all the things I was making up in my head about him.

I have accused him over and over of lying to me about his whereabouts and having an affair. I don't think I can be blamed for that too much. He is hanging out with all new people, no one I have ever met. S and I are excluded every single time. Late nights, car shows, concerts, weekend in Tahoe, sleeping on people's couches, working late or on weekends. It's all so out of character for him. After a year, I have never found proof of OW. He could be lying, he could be telling the truth. All I know is that it wears on me tremendously. Enough so that I hired a PI that I never went through with. But I have stopped snooping and figure if there is something up, it will eventually come out. Even with getting a life and keeping myself busy, it is always there in my mind. Something just doesn't smell right to me, but Deep deep in my heart I am not convinced it is OW. I don't know what that feeling I have is, but it holds me back from really opening up to H. It keeps me untrusting and suspicious. I am terrified to let down my wall and be loving and friendly to have him only leave home into someone else's arms, to laugh at what a naive dope I am. I am so scared of that. My therapist tells me, he wouldn't be making a fool of me as I worry, he would be making a fool of himself. I try to see it that way. But I'm not quite sure what I can do to ease that fear. I am hoping that maybe by doing some 180's and spending some better quality time while at home, that maybe I can see my H more for who he really is, that man I know so well, and not see him as the alien he has become or the monster I see in my head.

I bought the 5 love languages and am eager to read it as I have heard so many good things about it.

[mleigh4]

Just a quick update before I head to work. I continue to keep the atmosphere at home comfortable. I am still making the effort to give H time and attention when he talks, and space when he is quiet. The weekend was good. H went to visit an old friend on Saturday. An old friend! Who I know well! Who's ex wife I will be with this weekend! I guess he is not doing too well. H seemed a little down when he got home, and he was home before 10 on a Saturday night.

Sunday H cleaned out his work van while S and I ran errands and bought some great new Halloween decorations. S and I like to sit in hot tub, it's only heated by sun so perfect temp in the summer. I made myself a margarita and decided to offer H one. What guy doesn't like to be served a margarita by his wife in a bathing suit while he is working in garage? A 180 for me. Overall it was a nice weekend.

My PMA is staying high. I am sleeping, eating and so much more productive at work when things are calm at home. We leave for camping tomorrow. H says he will come out on Saturday. I told him that everyone wants him there. I only said that because of his comment that he wasn't going because I was uncomfortable.

I also have been doing 1 little something each day to let H know I am thinking of him. Nothing huge, just little everyday things. It makes me feel good. I think I am getting the hang of detachment with an open door. I very much feel that and it is working for me.

[CaliGuy]

Sounds like you are doing great .... posts like these are good to read for those of us having not so good days

Keep it up!!

[mleigh4]

Back from our weekend camping trip. We had fun, but things at home backslid a little. Thursday night was a little hectic for me getting ready for our trip. Meanwhile, H was also getting stuff ready for his trip he left on today. For whatever reason, it irked me that he wasn't going to see his S for days, and didn't seem to care. He was so preoccupied with himself and maybe said 5 words to S. I don't know, I need to stop telling H how to be a dad. But I let out a little spew on him asking why he didn't want to spend some time with S before we left? I told H he has Friday night and Saturday to do this stuff! Why do I care??? This may come from being abandoned by my own father, I want so much more for my S and I was so careful to pick a guy. who I thought would be an amazing father and H. Something to talk with IC about this week.

Anyway, H was home Friday night in time to see us off. Yes I manned the RV on my own! A huge 180 for me to do this stuff on my own.

H had said he planned on coming out on Saturday to visit. He didn't. Blamed it on needing to do stuff for his trip, change the oil in the jeep. (Do I even bother checking the garbage for oil cans? They won't be there). H asked that S call him. S said he didn't want to. Not sure if S was upset about H flaking so I didn't push it. Just TM H that S didn't want to at the moment. Didn't hear anymore from H after that.

This morning H called to talk with S and say bye on his way to hunting. Didn't say much to me, but I expected that. So I get home and go to throw something in garbage. There are 2 fast food containers and 2 drinks. They were closed up in the bag so yes I mini snooped. So, who was at my house and became more important then us yesterday? My mind Is racing, but I am really trying to not let it. No lipstick marks on the straw (pathetic that I even checked for that). really hope it was just a friend who came and hung out for a bit. Thing is, H never has friends over.

I hate this feeling so much. Hate it hate it hate it. I want so badly to ask the neighbor if he saw anyone over, but I will NOT let myself. Don't like that image of myself. I am doing all I can to let this go right now. I am sick of him letting S down. I am sick of feeling like he lies to me. I am sick of who I see when I look at him. It's not the person I thought I knew.

So since he is hunting he usually is in a remote area so I don't expect to hear from him until wed. No goodbye, nothing between us. I am going to enjoy this gift of space right now. I love having the house to ourselves. H is with an old family friend that went through an amazing marriage reconciliation after he had an affair and I know he plans on talking to H about us. He talks to troubled spouses at his church. God help us. Please lead my H to some clarity as to what he should do.

[job]

I'm glad to read that you and your s had a nice camping trip. Congratulations on how you handled the RV. That is truly a 180 and now you know you can do anything you set your mind to do.

About your h and hunting...I know many men who get so spun up about hunting and the first day of open season that they only think about packing up and getting to where they need to be. Not making excuses, but hunting may have been the only thing he was thinking about at the time. I'm sorry he didn't show much interest in his son and yes, he should have spent some time w/him before he left on his trip.

Who knows what he did on Saturday, but it does sound like someone came over for a bit or he went somewhere and then came home and cleaned out his vehicle. The person may have come over to discuss his upcoming trip or just to hang out for a bit...but he should have been honest w/you. But, of course, it's easier for the person in crisis to lie because then they don't have to share details w/you. Again, I'm sorry about the way he behaved.

I hope your friend can get through to your h about reconciliation, but he may not. In fact, your h may distance himself from him or even tune him out. Mlcers don't like to have others try to change their minds about what they are doing.

Mleigh, enjoy your time while he's away. Continue to pray and yes, dig for more patience. The answers will come when you least expect them.