Feeling stronger than ever

[tuff]

Agree with the rollercoaster analogy. I share your feelings - only mine still cycle within any given day or hour. Ugh - it seems like it is the worst during the day when my mind can wander and i am convinced it is a hopeless cause-then I see him and am determined to stand and DB for however long it takes - sometimes.Tonight it even changed within 1 hour of seeing him - he picked 1 kid up at the house (standing) then i saw him walking at the park and decided that I don't know why I am wasting my time on him - I never really liked him anyway - wow - that was a shocker to me - I thought to myself - now I am re-writing history similar to what they do. And finally at this time of night I am neutral either way. crazy!!!!!!!!!!!

[mleigh4]

It's been awhile since I have been around. I decided to take a break from my marriage problems and just live and let life happen. It actually went well for a while. I was much more relaxed and happy. Felt a weight lifted. I actually got to a point where I decided that I had said all I could say and done all I can do. There was nothing more for me to do but step back and see where life took us. Things have been ok. I was still seeing some progress in H. We have been getting along great and life has been smooth at home. I still see odd and withdrawn behavior in H, but my biggest struggle remains to be H sleeping in spare room. It wears on me more than I can say. Who am I to talk? For years I put H through the same thing, in different ways. So I try so hard to ignore it and not dwell on it, but I can't. I have reached out to H with a hug, got an ok response. I have been upbeat, given him his space, left him alone. All the things I am supposed to do. And yes, I see it helps and see H opening up and removing bricks from that wall.

I guess we all have that moment, that boundary, where you reach the point of total detachment and letting go. I thought it was a couple of weeks ago when we had an argument about him ignoring a text about picking up his S while he was out. It was alcohol infused and I regret my blow up, but I did reach a point where I knew I had to let go of him. I apologized and we got past that.

Fast forward to this weekend. He decided to do a marathon day out. Left at 7 am and came home at 3:30 am the next morning. Said he was with his mystery friends but vague as usual. I actually believe him, told him it's great he had a good time, but to please just let me know when he will be out so long so I don't worry. I also feel, no matter what he is going through, it is disrespectful to his family and home. So I left him alone, went back to my room and just started bawling. The pain, loneliness and reality of my life just hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I went back to his room, tapped on the door to ask if I could just lie with him a moment. As I walked in, I can see a light under his covers, his phone. He scurried to hide it. I asked him, are you on your phone? He said no. So I asked if I could lay down for a moment and he sighed, just completely annoyed. So I asked again about the phone and he admitted it. I asked if he was talking to someone and he said no. Then it struck me, porn. So I asked and he told me to get out. Said he was just looking at stuff. So, I was completely rejected, once again find him doing things behind my back, and I just hit a point where I am so done. I just can't live my life with someone I can't trust, who obviously doesn't love me or want me. I feel like he has been making things nice at home just for the convenience.

I have reached my point and let go. After a day of crying, I let him know he has made it clear how he feels about me. I told him I have nothing left in me. If we can get through the holidays for our S, at the beginning of the year we can move forward on things, that looks to be what he wants and I won't hold him back. I just got a blank "ok".

I hurt for him. I know he is lost. I feel like I am letting him down. But I have to take care of myself. I want my S to experience a healthy relationship, not a loveless one. I need to be happy. It's been so so long. Between my own crisis and now his, we are looking at a good 4 years. I am drained and exhausted. I really feel I have done all I can do. I promised myself that I would give this through the end of the year and will do so. Who knows, miracles happen. But I feel so numb and empty, I don't know if I even want him anymore. He is not the man I fell for. Not even close.

[job]

I'm very sorry that things aren't working out for your family. You have been more than willing to work on things and yes, living w/a mlcer can be very trying and frustrating. You've told him how you feel, now live your life to the fullest and let the chips fall where they may. You've got several months to get things in order before you make your final decision about your marriage. Use the time wisely and get your ducks in a row.

Whatever you decide to do, we are here for you.

[2BHappy]

You sound like you have the same "guilt" I have, I know there was a couple of years I was the WAS, and then it seemed when I woke up and realize I wanted this man this M, then BAM He hit me with BD.

I forgave myself, and you will need to also if you have not. It sounds like you have a plan in place, try to sit still in your feelings and thoughts.

Believe me I know its hard!
Your feelings are back and forth on if you want your M or not, like mine. Until we are 100% sure we are done we must be careful.

[mleigh4]

Well things continue to progress worse here. I continue to let go. I found some great info and quotes on the web that I find truly helpful. Letting go is not easy, it really takes a mindset and a change in perception. So I have been feeling better. But call me crazy or is H acting out stronger than ever. My phone seems to be being checked. He has gone back to his ways of staying out late, coming home late from work, even missed S back to school night. Of course none of this is his fault, always the blameless victim. But I remain cool and calm and it seems to be driving him crazy.

This last weekend, he stormed in my room out of the blue and accused me of putting gps on his trucks. He spent an hour checking his truck, throwing things around in the garage. Very out of character for him. Then he proceeded to leave and didn't come home all night. Another first. What pissed me off was our S getting worried because the light we left on for daddy was still on this morning when we got up. Jerk. So when H got home I let him know that I feel his behavior is creating an unhealthy environment for our S and he should either shape up or get out. After some conversation H told me he thinks we should get a D. So there it is, he finally spit out a thought. Later in the day he was leaving to take S to mini golf, and he stuck a piece of paper in his bedroom door to see if I go in there or not. I asked him what is going on. He now accused me of letting strangers in the room to go through his stuff. Major paranoia going on. The only thing I can think of is that he is snooping through my credit card or phone records and maybe found out I put a retainer down for a PI?? The sad part is I have not used it.

So now H has become the snooper. Has anyone seen this turn before? Is this now his reaction to my detachment? Even though I have very much been against D, I have come to face the reality of a year of extreme unhappiness and a fear for what my S is watching go on with his dad. Now that the D word is out there, I am going to do a consultation with an attorney. It's time to protect myself.

[job]

Yes, they can become very paranoid and projection takes on a new level called "high". He may have looked at the credit card statement and saw the retainer charge and put two and two together, even though you've not used it.

Because you are pulling back and away from him, he's scared in his own way. So, what does he do? Starts acting out, etc. He wants to know what you are doing and w/whom. It doesn't matter that you aren't doing anything wrong, but to him, something is going on that isn't right w/you, so the snooping begins as well as accusations.

I'm very sorry that he's turned into Mr. Nasty, but he feels cornered/trapped and the guilt paranoia are feeding his internal fire right now. If he wasn't guilty about something, his reaction wouldn't be the way it is.

I know it's difficult living w/him but try to let some of this stuff roll off your back. Since he's brought up the divorce word, I would seek a consultation and protect yourself and your assets as much as possible.

Continue as you have been and let him put all of the papers in the doors that he wants. You can't convince him otherwise that no one is going in his little man cave.

Hang in there!

[Matt165]

Just to add to what job said...my W did much of the same. She was convinced that I was checking her e-mail, following her gps on her phone, etc. Why? I really don't know. Why she even would have cared I don't understand either. She was living at home still then but had made it clear she wanted to go. She was doing whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted so what difference would any of that make?

Job is also right that, to this day (this was months ago), I wonder what exactly she was hiding. I'm sure she was hiding something I just don't know what or why.

I will tell you this...I wish I had done things differently now that she has left. I wish I had gone to a lawyer and at least talked long before I did. I ended up having to scramble to get my own lawyer AFTER she filed (and after she had told me she wasn't going to a lawyer, wasn't going to file, would use a mediator if it got to that, etc.). My W swore that she wasn't going to do so many things that she ended up doing. If I were you I'd start putting some money aside as well. My W left me with a negative account balance when she left with zero thought as to how I was going to live. As much as you hope and pray. As hard as you have tried to do the right things, use the DB method, odds are that things won't get better before your H leaves. I didn't do so many things I wish now I had because I HOPED that my M could be saved. Don't not do things to protect yourself because of that same hope.

[mleigh4]

Thanks for your advise. So I have an appt for a consultation with a lawyer this we'dnesday. So what do I say?? I don't want a divorce but tell me the process? Or do I go in there to explain the situation and ask what can I do to protect myself? In California, you can go through mediation to set up the separation agreement and then can file for D once done. Do I initiate the mediation so he can see exactly what the D would look like on paper before we take that step?? I just sit here wondering, if H wants the divorce, why isn't he doing the work? And why am I?

I am not a religious person, but last night I hit a real low spot. I was feeling totally overwhelmed with sadness, anger and fear over this weekend. All of a sudden I felt this wave of warmth go through me, like my thoughts got washed out, and all that was in my head were the big white words LET GO. It was really strange, I was left feeling like I shouldn't worry, that everything will be ok. So I am handing it over to a higher power and asking for help to cope. Not easy for me to do!

Last question for those that live with their MLC'ers. How do you ignore the craziness? The late nights out, the all nighters, the hiding in the other room with the phone, the lies. How do you not let it get to you? I know detaching and letting go. I am doing well but still working on it. But does anyone have a perspective I can use to get me through those tough moments of weakness and the urge to react?

[Matt165]

Hi mleigh,
I just got your message on my thread (I was watching my Eagles beat my FIL's favorite team the Colts! Ha-Ha!!)
First to what to talk to the lawyer about...I would tell him that your H has been saying he wants out of the M. You don't want that, think that you would like to try and work things out but that you want to know what you should do to protect yourself. Make sure to tell him about how he has been acting, what kind of crazy things he's been doing, late nights out where you don't know where or with whom, etc. He will be able to tell you what your best course of action is and help you to be ready if H decides to file.

As for how I was able to get through the late nights out, not showing up, hiding what she was doing on her phone etc....It wasn't easy at first. To this day I really don't think my W had an OP or even if she does now. I knew it was more about her wanting to "find" herself, her "joy" and I don't think she was the cheating type. When it would happen, I would allow myself to get angry while she wasn't around but as soon as she was, I just ignored it. Didn't ask about it. When it first started I asked and I was so hurt to hear her talk about things like all the fun she was having dancing at her co. X-mass party with other men, I decided it was easier just not to ask. Our imaginations can always come up with worse things than the truth and I also wanted so badly to save my M for my kids sake I just told myself it wasn't as bad as I thought.

It's not easy. It took me a few months before I stopped confronting her or asking where she had been or who was there. But once I decided that no matter what was happening, I would eventually find out and it wouldn't really change what I wanted...my M to be "saved", I was able to just not want to know!

Know that they expect us to care. They want to make us worry. They also want us to get angry so they can say to themselves that were the "cause" of their pain. We don't trust them. We are making up that they are doing things they're not, etc. I didn't want to give her more fuel for that fire and that also helped. I felt that I disappointed the nasty child in her who WANTED me to react, so I "won". That helped me a lot!

[Matt165]

Hi again!
I just wanted to say another thing after seeing an earlier post of yours on another thread....Be VERY careful about doing things hoping for a certain reaction from your H! I say this from real life experience. You had posted something about maybe you should start the process of mediation because your H keeps saying that he wants to "end this M" but he hasn't done anything yet. I think what you said was "...maybe seeing the stark reality of what D means on paper will wake him up to what that really means..". You can't expect a person in MLC to have any thing close to what you think is a NORMAL reaction to anything! I learned this the hard way.

Yes, a normal thinking person might see that piece of paper that represents the end of a life, the destruction of a family for what it represents. Any person in their right mind, seeing something like that would at the very least hesitate and really think about what that means, right? What you must remember is this, right now your H ISN'T in his right mind. He is as far from "normal" as he can get. It has been my experience that every time I did something like that hoping to get the "normal" reaction from my W, I got just the opposite! Where I expected her to at least slow down, to maybe think about what she was doing, all I got was her speeding the process up! Your H may just see that piece of paper and think "Oh, thank God she started the process" because he couldn't figure out how to do it himself. Or even "Well, she must want this as much as I do if she was willing to do it. I'm off the hook and can say I wasn't the one who went to the lawyer..".

mleigh, it took me way too long to understand just how "crazy" my W's thought processes were. Just how far from the way she used to think, from the way anyone in their right mind would react she had become. Don't do something you don't want to do hoping that it might "wake" him up. Unless you are at the point that YOU are ready to start the process for YOU, don't do it. Now, if you are truly at the point where you can no longer take the status quo, where you are ready for him to either change or end the M, then by all means that is something you should do. But, if you are only doing it to get a certain reaction from him, I would think twice.

Like I said, it has been my experience that my W had the exact opposite reaction that I had hoped for every time I did something like that. Your H may be different but be very careful about that kind of thing. I know how you feel, mleigh (Oh, so very well!). It's so hard being in limbo, waiting for that shoe to drop, knowing your life as you know it is at the mercy of a person that you have (and still) love. You think that somewhere in there the person you knew and loved must still be there and if you could only get him to really see just what he is doing, just how much damage and pain he is causing, he will wake up. I'm sorry to say that that most likely will not happen any time soon and you just can't count on him to see any of that. It s@cks and it isn't fair, I know but it is reality at this time.

Hang in there mleigh. Only you know when you can no longer take the uncertainty and pain.