Feeling stronger than ever

[tuff]

mleigh -thanks for the continued story. It is always good to see people working on making something better from all the initial destruction. I can't even imagine how difficult it is. Just reading your posts helped me last night when my H dropped the kids off-I was abnormally calm and even nice-which I haven't been for a while-it just seemed so comfortable just having him around -if only for a few minutes. I won't cont my story on your thread but wanted you to know I admire you for sticking it out and still moving forward. Looking forward to your future.

[mleigh4]

Well, I fell off the DB wagon. I am really beating myself up as things have been going so well, but I see the problem here. Me and alcohol. I went for what was to be an innocent visit with a girlfriend while H was out with a friend and S was at a playdate. I reached out to H while he was out so we could coordinate who would be home to pick up S, but he never responded to my text. In the meantime, I got word that playdate was now sleepover. As the time went by with no word from H, I got angrier and angrier, the mind started racing and 1 drink became about 4. After 2 1/2 hours, H finally responded saying he was playing pool and didn't realized I had texted. I called him and just went off. Why am I always responsible for S? What is he doing and who is he with? Why didn't he respond to my text? He yelled that I am drunk and hung up on me. In the meantime, S wanted to come home afterall. There was no way I could drive, so H went and picked him up. When I finally got home about 1 am, I stormed into H's room and demanded more answers. I told him he is not worth all of this and that he will be served this week. Oh boy. I woke up Sunday just feeling like a real loser. I wasn't there for my S when I should have been. I wreaked havoc on our R, which has been heading in the right direction. Yes, H should have been more responsive to my text when it comes to our S, but he assumed we were just at home like he left us. He didn't know about the playdate or me going out, it was last minute plans after H had left. I feel like he is telling the truth and wasn't up to anything inappropriate. I told him I will not be going out drinking anymore, putting myself in situations where I can drink too much. I didn't tell him this, but between us, I used to know when to stop. Since this chaos in my life, I keep going to numb myself. Not good! H didn't say anything about the things I said. He just explained that he really didn't see my text until he looked at his phone to check the time because he didn't want to get home too late like in the past.

So - I got my wake up call about drinking and will avoid these situations. But obviously I have some real anger in me. Not just for the past year, but for the last several years of issues with him. I accept that he is limited on what he can give emotionally and physically. It's just the way he is, always has been. My H is quiet, private, withdrawn at times - it's hard to feel loved or special with someone like this. Can I live with this? Can I work on myself to look for other ways he shows love, then the ways I hope for? I need to figure this out.

In the meantime, does anyone have any advise on working on anger and forgiveness?

[tuff]

mleigh - don't be so hard on yourself - those feelings are natural but at least you have the intelligence to look for ways to helping yourself. I think this is something we all struggle with - we mostly hope for a R but how does one move past the stuff we have endured? This is a site on forgiveness that offers a 30 day challenge: http://forgivenesschallenge.com/
I just signed up so I can't speak to it really. Maybe look for an outlet for your anger - some physical class (I want to do boxing :)) or yoga seems to help me. I also look to my bible daily for inspiration. My H is similar to yours in the quiet type - I have said in the past I wasn't sure if he knew how to show emotion/love - looking back I just see we do that differently. Maybe finding out his love language can better help you understand how he demonstrates it and how you want it?

[mleigh4]

Thank you Tuff. I will look into the forgiveness challenge. I have so much anger in me that I can normally keep under control, but I don't see moving forward if I can't let some things go. I am getting back into yoga, that helped me alot while we were separated. I don't have any religous outlets, but I had started looking into budhism. I like the idea of looking into yourself for peace, something I can control! Otherwise, I am staying away from alcohol. This weekend was a big wake up call for me and I can't shake the bad feelings. I am really disappointed in myself for the way I acted.

[Matt165]

Hi mleigh,
Don't beat yourself up. You have been put through a lot all because of your H and what he has said and done. It is only natural to be angry. It would be weird if you weren't at least somewhat. It's hard to keep up all the DBing and knowing you have worked so hard and there is your H who really needs to be the one who does the work in all honesty. It can really get a person angry, the unfairness of it all.

It's one of the reasons that, in order for any of this to work for us or our M, you have to drop any and all expectations. You "expected" your H to respond to your text and when he didn't it got to you. Yes, he should have and he was wrong not to but at the same time he isn't capable of doing much of anything that isn't all about him. It's so hard to do 100% of the time. I still have a hard time when it comes to things that are about our D14. Just yesterday my D was supposed to stay with her mom starting yesterday until Sunday. Out of the blue my MIL pulls up and drops off my D14 saying that my W said that she decided that D would just stay with me for another week and then with her for the next 2 weeks since school is starting next week and my W lives closer to the school and it makes sense for her to stay there for the first week. OK, but why didn't she contact me about it. Make sure that it was what I felt as well and I was OK with it. Even at least to let me know my D was on her way back to my place at the very least! I am still upset about this but I also realize it's because, at least when it comes to something as important as our D, I "expect" her to act like an adult, to at least make sure what SHE wants is also what I want or am at least willing to go along with! That I hadn't made plans or was unable to have her for another week.

I don't think you did any real damage mleigh. Just learn how to do it differently next time. You are fine!

[mleigh4]

Thanks Matt,

You are right. I had expectations when it came to our S, but I guess I should know better. Also, since we had been getting along so well. I have high expectations on a normal basis anyway so this is tough for me! Things had gotten awkward between us after the blowup, but I have been making an effort to ease the tension and it's getting better. Both of our walls are way back up again! But I know now what I can do to make things more comfortable at home and am back to it.

[mleigh4]

Why is it that some days I feel so positive about things? I really feel that I am doing the right thing by standing for my marriage and working on being patient. It all seems so clear and so right!

Then some days I feel so hopeless, that this is unacceptable that H is putting me and my S through this limbo for over a year and treating our marriage like a disease. It all seems so clear that I need to end this misery for us all, so we can move on.

Does anyone else go through these roller coaster of feelings, or am I just as messed up as my H?

[Shining]

^^^^^^^ YES THANK YOU FOR THAT ^^^^^^^^

I'm so glad to know it's not just me, either.

I do feel like I'm bipolar or losing my sanity with the ups and downs..

[job]

You are on the rollercoaster of emotions. One question...are your highs and lows based on how your h is acting on any given day? If so, then you need to step back a bit more and apply more detachment. However, if you can continue to detach, in time, they will become less and less for you. We all have been on that coaster and until you decide to get off of it, you'll have those ups and downs.

It's very, very normal. Don't beat yourself up over it. You'll get to the other side when the time is right.

[mleigh4]

For me, it's a mixture of how he is acting on any certain day and feeling impatient. His emotions also seem to go up and down, which I know is normal for what he is going through. 2 steps forward, 1 step back!

I need to: LET GO, STEP BACK, BE PATIENT, NO EXPECTATIONS

I need a mental vacation from all of this, just a break! Trying real hard to turn it off in my brain.

Thanks guys, I feel better