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Yes, that is true. I need to work on not feeling obligated to have an explanation or answer all of the time. Blah. I also think part of me wants people to know that I didn't want this and it's not my fault because I don't want them to judge me (also something to work on, huh?)

Speaking of things to work on.. I want to set a boundary with H about our finances, and could use some feedback because the line between controlling and boundary is tricky. I had mentioned earlier that part of our agreement when I moved out was H would transfer all of the bills that auto-pay from our joint account (water, electricity, cable, etc.) to his own accounts because he was the only one using those utilities. Last month I noted that the electric bill still wasn't changed. He transferred in money from his own account and said he was changing it so it wouldn't happen again. But, I noticed that on Friday it deducted again. And now our account is below $1000 which is worrisome because I don't remember all the rules about direct deposits/minimum blaances and if it will be charged a late fee. I drafted this email to him below - is it the "right" way to set a boundary?

"The MG&E bill deducted again last week from the joint account. I understand that there could be some issue with MG&E online even after you submitted the change, but regardless, it's very stressful for me to have to worry about this (and worry about the account possibly being charged a fee for being below $1000). I need to set a boundary around this so that I can feel comfortable. If you don't change the account by the next bill and it is deducted again, I am going to take steps to remove myself from this account (taking my half of the remaining money from it, cancelling my direct deposit, and removing my name from it so it is just in your name). I would be fine leaving it as-is but I need all the bills changed in order to do that."

I had always had a portion of my paycheck transferred into the joint account but now have just transferred it right back out,rather than cancelling it with HR (as that is a lot of paperwork that I didn't want to do until I knew for sure what was happening). I'm worried this sounds antagonistic and blaming him, especially if it's not his fault. The electric company is kind of a pain w/ their online stuff and we've submitted changes before that haven't gone through or taken awhile to go through - am I giving him not enough benefit of the doubt? Should I ask him about it first? I did that last month and he said it was taken care of, so I'm hesistant to be casual about it again.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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^ I am more calmed down about this now and sent an email first asking what was going on with it - did he change it and it's just slow to activate, or did he not change it? From there I'll respond based on the answer. If he says he didn't change it yet but will soon (keep in mind he's had almost 4 months to do this), here's my revised answer using a "formula" from one of my codependency books: how does this make you feel, what do you want the person to do/not do, what will the consequences be-
"I feel frustrated and disrespected that you haven't changed this yet - I took our agreement seriously. I'm stressed that I have to keep checking the account to make sure money isn't missing. Please change this before the next payment is deducted, and forward me the confirmation so I know it's set. If you don't change it, I'm going to cancel my direct deposit into that account and take out my half of the funds, so that I no longer have to worry about my part of the money."

I realized I can't take my name off the account w/out closing it, but I at least can take out my money so that if his bills continue to come out of it, that's his issue. I don't want to have to check it monthly and wonder if he's going to put the money back in indefinitely, it's just too stressful. Is that fair boundary setting? I am struggling with where to fall in-between these concepts:
A) let go, don't be so controlling,take it easy, don't worry about his actions and
B) my feelings are mine and if I am uncomfortable I have a right to take action and make sure my needs are taken care of.
I hope I'm making sense... like others have mentioned on here, I have a hard time telling if my actions/reactions are reasonable or if I'm blowing this out of proportion.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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You've been dealing with this for 4 months. It'll be informative to see his response to your email.

If you get to this point, how about this?

"I feel frustrated and disrespected that you haven't changed this acct. Please do so before the next payment is deducted and forward me the confirmation. If it's not changed, I'll cancel my direct deposit into that account and take out my half of the funds."


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Dec 2013
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His response to my inquiry about what happened with the account was "I replenished money into the joint account from the last bill. It will definitely be changed before the next bill."

His response a month ago when I said "It doesn't look like the bill changed yet, can you change it and put money back in?" was "I transferred the money and will work to make sure it gets changed." So I guess there was no "work" in the past month. He doesn't have to call anyone or go anywhere. He just needs to log in to the website, change the account number, and click save.

So, I think I used up all my polite inquiries and nudges and went ahead w/ the email based on your suggestions, labug, with some slight rearranging so that it actually was more of a response and not so clearly "pre-planned." No answer to that email, but it didn't need one. I don't know if it'll make him think I'm a nagging ***** or not but limbo is hard enough without adding this type of stuff. To be honest, I think it's so upsetting to me because it's indicative of how he has not improved himself or changed for the better during this time, and how he can't follow through on simple promises. He told me before I moved out that he could take care of things on his own and didn't need me to remind/nag him, and that without me there then he'd be able to be fully responsible for himself and things would be even BETTER (chores would be done, things would be cleaner and get done on time, etc.) because he felt lazier when I was there to take care of things. But he couldn't even change an account number on a website within 4 months on his own. *sigh*.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Seems those things just aren't important to him.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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^ Yes. I’ve been trying (only a little successfully so far, still a work in progress) to really think more about why this makes me upset, and what is actually within my control and affecting me. My initial reaction is to be angry because he “should” do this, or care about this, or “should” be more respectful of our agreement. Ultimately, though, those are all things that I can’t control. He is free to feel whatever he wants and determine what is important to him. What I should focus is on how/if these actions negatively affect me, and they do when my money is being spent on things that I did not agree for it to be spent on. That’s where my boundary came from - it was something that affects me, that I do have control over, that I can choose to remove myself/my investment from, rather than punishing him somehow or making it all about how he “should” do this or that out of principle.

Whenever I find myself thinking or saying “He should… or “I think he’s…” I stop myself because those are cues I need to pause and reconsider. When I start thinking about what he should do, I ask myself “is that true? can I know it’s absolutely true that he should or should not do this? Maybe there are things I should do or shouldn’t do instead. How can I know what will be best for him?” Or, when I start to think “I think he’s [insert my interpretation of whatever weird thing he’s doing]” I need to pause and realize that whenever I “think” something I can have no way it’s true. What can I objectively see that he’s doing or saying? Can I really know what it means?

I’m trying smile


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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I think you're doing fine. Looking closely at our thoughts and actions is always a good thing but there are times when someone else's values may not be in alignment with ours.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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KGirl Offline OP
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I do feel like his values as I see them currently are not in line with my own. Enough to think that reconciling is off the table? Not sure. I guess it's because I don't know if they are really his values, or if this is just a phase. It's getting harder for me to not want to say to him "OK H, it's time to poop [for the polite company here] or get off the pot. I want to either work on our relationship and actually talk to each other/hang out/etc., or close this chapter in our lives." It feels like this weird game of chicken - who will make a move first? Right now there is NOTHING happening between us, besides creating more distance. I've been trying to hold out on any temp checking or asking where the heck he's at until December. Then it will be a year and by that point... I kinda feel like it's time for action. Maybe I will feel differently by then but I'm putting that as my internal finish line of sorts, so that I can try and set aside these thoughts until then.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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KGirl Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
I don't have anything progress-worthy to report, but thought posting might help me pass some time until I have to take kitty to the vet in a few hours. I discovered a string of some kind hanging out of kitty's mouth that is not loose, so I'm worried he might have half-swallowed something and it's stuck in his digestive system (TMI?) Going to the vet for the urgent visit. I'm stressed not only for his healthy (although he doesn't seem bothered at all by a 1cm. string hanging out of his mouth?) but some of you might recall I had a rough time trying to get him in a cat carrier before and had to cancel an appt. This time I think I'll be better prepared - I'll attempt it in the bathroom with the door closed,and I have a big carrier with an open top that hopefully will be easier to dump him in. Another reminder of how some things are hard to do on your own. smirk

So, I let myself get my expectations up a little and then disappointed myself. Grr. Some of you may also remember that back in May I got a letter from a secret admirer that apparently rode my bus. Earlier this week I got a LinkedIn invitation from someone I didn't think I knew, and long story short,figured out it was my secret admirer! Back when I got the letter I did tell H about it out of a sense of wanting to be honest and transparent (I know, I know... even though he wasn't, I guess I thought that by modeling open/honest behavior it would encourage him to do so). So I texted him letting him know I found out who it was. he wrote back with lots of questions- how did I find out,how creepy is that, do I recognize him, etc. I felt like we were actually having a conversation! Then he said "so do you find him attractive?" Well,I sure don't, but wonder if I should have said yes to be a little more mysterious/act as if I'm moving on. I don't know. I said no and then he stopped responding. So then I was disappointed because I started having an expectation that we were talking again. Grr. Back on the NC wagon for me.

In other news, I've been doing some fun things on my own as well as with friends and family - went to festivals, craft fairs, and am signed up for some crafty continuing ed type courses at the university where I work. Trying to stay busy. I gained back the weight I lost from the BD diet and then some so trying to get that under control and pay a little more attention to what I eat. This is a tricky one for me because I like to indulge in things like cheese, wine, etc. And I need to be careful about whether losing weight and how much is about what I want, vs. what I think H wants. H had made some comments about me gaining weight and how I wasn't the same size as when we met. I get that a big change can be concerning and it's unfair to expect your partner to be OK with anything, but I also just can't be the same size I was at 18 (and I wear size 8 pants, and we're talking gaining 15-20 lbs. over the past 10 years). Just because he can stay the same size doesn't mean I can!! If nothing else, the secret admirer thing has shown me that if someone can like me without ever talking to me and just seeing me/overhearing conversations, there's got to be lots of non-creepy dudes out there who could love me once they meet me!

I am still angry from time to time that H hasn't professed any decisions or where he's at. It's hard for me to believe he's actually doing any thinking or work on himself, from what I see he's living it up as a single guy. I would hate to think he's delaying action on a D because he doesn't want to pay me $15000+ to officially buy the house from me (that would really be the only downside for him if we moved forward). I know I can't know if it's best for him to make a decision yet or not,so I guess I need to focus on me and what, if any, decisions I may need to make.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 183
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Re the text messages, I would have not answer the question about being attracted. That way you're not explicitly saying yes for the wrong reasons, but you're making him wonder. Next time smile

Hope your kitty is okay.


M: 31 H: 36
T: 10.5 (not married)
BD: 10/13
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