KGirl - 7 months later...

[Georgiabelle]

K-Girl,

They are difficult to get in the carrier, aren't they? I sorry the kitty didn't cooperate. Be kind to yourself. I'm sorry you are in a challenging place right now.

[labug]

Aww K, have a good cry get it out there.

Be as friendly with your H as you can handle without expectation. But ask yourself if these random "touches" are all he can offer as a means of reconnecting, is that enough for you. Do you still want to be the one who does the heavy lifting in the R? If I recall correctly he said some pretty harsh things about how your M happened.

You have a choice here and that's a powerful, although scary placed to be.

[KGirl]

I am going to get all my cries out and then freshen up and go to work. I need to leave in about 90 minutes so I hope that's enough time. I also have a cold so I think I'm just not going to expect much of myself today. I had a lot of things I wanted to get done before tomorrow because I'm going on a two day conference, but it will be OK if the dishes and laundry don't get done. I'm sure I still have something I can wear I know the cat will be ok - maybe eventually he'll let me cut his hair myself. I'm moreso embarassed that I hired someone to do it and then couldn't follow through (there's probably something underlying that I need to work on for myself). Whenever friends come over that could in theory help me with him, he just hides the whole time - he will only come out when it's just me here. It makes me sad not just for myself but the poor little guy with his hair clumps, they can't be comfortable but I can't help him.

[KGirl]

You have good points, labug. I shouldn't be settling for the crumbs. The past couple of times we broke up and got back together I settled for those, and didn't follow through on boundaries, and that led to resentment later and re-living those incidents. For example, during college H had an instant message thing going on w/this girl from back home. He would message her about how he wished he could marry two people because he liked her so much, how maybe at Thanksgiving she could come over under the guise of hanging out with his sister and they could see how far they could get physically, etc. When I found the messages I said I needed him to no longer be in contact with her, and he fought back and said I was trying to control who he could be friends with, and that it didn't mean anything and nothing happened, etc. I gave in and didn't push it because I just wanted to be with him. IF anything changes this time I am not going to accept anything less than NC with his EA partner from work, no matter what he says about it. I know what he told me and it's very clear it wasn't harmless. It's time to break that pattern of him doing whatever he wants even when I say it's hurtful to me, and then me just going along with it because I don't want him to leave.

[honest]

Crying IS healing. I do it quite often, then I pull myself together and go about my day.( till the next trigger.) Nobody signs up for a D when they get Married. I try to detach by saying "I" instead of "WE".

[KGirl]

I survived the food exchange. No "I've decided I want a divorce" but no "I've decided I want you back" magical surprise either.

The guy must have literally taken out everything that was in the pantry and given it to me. I don't know what he's eating. He seemed at a decent weight, at least, and not starving. His jeans were a little too tight in the front and it looked kinda awkward, and I can tell that's what he wore to work today, seemed a little innapropriate O_o. Maybe they're normally not that tight and he was excited to see me . I offered him a free oil change coupon I had that I wasn't going to use. He hemmed and hawed and I said "well if you're not going there I'm sure I can find someone else who will use it." I guess it's even hard to make a decision about accepting an oil change coupon. He did ask if my shoes were new, and they were new to him anyway since I got them after I moved, so he did notice something about me.

I did not take his bait on a few things that in the past I would have asked what they meant. I just took my stuff and left. Examples:
-"I might go to Midas, I pass one when I go to [x town]" (don't know why he'd be in X town, didn't ask)
-"I kept a few boxes of pasta in case I get sick" (???)
-he asked me why we had worchestershire sauce in the fridge, and I said for beef stew (which he always LOVED). He said "I don't eat that anymore." (????)

I know I will drive myself crazy wondering. If/when he ever comes around I'm sure it will become clear and I'll figure it out. It does bug me that he didn't feel the need or desire to give me an update, even if it's just a "just so you know, things haven't changed" or I'm still thinking or whatever. I'm thinking back to something GB said before about how some people have no interest in the M but won't bother to file because it's too much work (or in this case, H benefits because he doesn't have to pay me $15,000 to buy the house from me). I find myself wondering how long I wait until it becomes clear that that's what's going on and just do it myself. I met a cute guy at work the other day and it opened my eyes to the fact that there are guys out there that I could find attractive or see myself with... so I wonder how long I should hold out hope for H when he has shown no interest in being with me.

[KGirl]

OK, time to put my positive pants on. No news could be good news. Either way I shouldn't waste my time and money taking legal actions that I didn't want in the first place. It's not causing me any actual legal or financial harm. I'm going to a two-day conference tomorrow which will be a nice break from regular work. It's a 3 hour drive away so plenty of time in my new car. I get to stay overnight in a hotel (sit in a hot tub??) and find a new place to eat dinner. Yes it's scary because I don't know that anyone from my workplace is going (usually several people will go) but that will force me to network and meet new people. My cat is still cute even though he was a little sh*t this morning. He's licking my arm as I type this trying to sit on the keyboard. And I now have five boxes of pasta that I didn't have to go out and buy My friend recommended a book called "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends" so I'm going to buy that ASAP and spend some time with it. And after I eat dinner and get all my stuff in order for my trip, I plan to sit in my tub and relax since I'm all sick-achey.

[Maybell]

Sounds like all good stuff.

It's interesting that you would have been happy to hear "just so you know, things haven't changed" -- I hate hearing that. It feels like lemon juice on a paper cut.

Sorry you're feeling badly, but enjoy your trip!! (Oh to be young again... )

[labug]

I missed something, where are you going? I love travel.

[KGirl]

Just a conference for two days... but it seems far because it's 3 hours away! Up "north" at another university in our public system. I was here once a looong time ago when I was touring colleges. Since I'm a higher ed person I like visiting universities My mom actually went here for school so I'm sending her pictures so she can see what has changed from 35 years ago.