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KGirl Offline OP
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I thought I was doing pretty well with detachment... but I guess not. I do so much better when H is really out of sight, out of mind. Last night one of my friends (who was friends w/ H, along with her H, but then stopped talking to him after BD because they don't agree with his choices) said that my H asked her H if he could tag along sometime when friend+H go to a football game, tailgate, etc. Friend's H said "we'll see" but told friend he has zero interest in hanging out with my H. They only see each other now in their fantasy football league. I guess there was discussion of kicking my H out in a secret meeting where everyone was there but him, but they decided that they did not want to set a precdent of allowing "marital issues" to decide who can stay in the league (this is a great example of how our lives could be TV shows.) While I'm happy my friends are sticking up for me, I know I shouldn't be encouraging them to "take sides." Really all of our mutual friends have completely ignored H but regularly ask me to still hang out, which is very nice of them considering they are all coupled up. What I'm still thinking about is - why is H so clueless to think these people want to hang out with him when they've completely ignored him the past 9 months? Is he much more socially incompetent than I think? Is he just lonely and desperate? OR (and this is the part where I need a reality check, perhaps) is this the start of the whole "they reconnect with friends and other family before they reconnect with you" thing I read about on here? smirk.

I don't respond to his texts. He sent me another one today with a picture of one of those coupons that spits out when you get your grocery store receipt, for a free shutterfly book. He said I could feel free to use it. Why? Don't know. I'm not into making photo albums. *Shrug*. My friend told me earlier "it will be interesting to see what he does.." so maybe I need to think more about it like a science experiment. smile


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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KGirl Offline OP
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Ugh. Today I feel stuck where some of the ladies on here have also been recently - is the H I know today someone that I'd actually want to date? And what does the answer to that mean? I went to a football game w/ the friends I mentioned above. Friend told me that when he saw H, H was skinnier than when he last saw him, his hair hadn't been cut or taken care of and had grown into a bowl cut, and when they all met up at Buffalo Wild Wings for their fantasy football league discussion, H refused to eat any wings there and commented on other people's choice of eating wings because they were unhealthy. Who is this person? He sounds gross and not at all fun to be around. And what do I do with this? Nothing for now? Wait and see if he comes around and gets out of his weird funk? My friends told me today that while they love me and will support me in whatever decision I make, that they feel strongly that I could do better than H at this time and that he is really not worth my attention given his behavior and attitude as of late. *sigh*. And then I got a call from the dealer where I bought my car (1.5 hours away) saying I didn't sign in one of the spots on the paperwork. How stressful. Shouldn't they double check that stuff? It makes me wish I had someone to lean on for things like this. Luckily they will drive it out to my work on Monday but... sheesh.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Hey, it's going to be taken care of, while it may have seemed like a stressor in that moment, it's different now. Right? They're even driving it to your work, to me that's a win!

Don't let your mind take you down those rabbit holes. smile

Someone to lean on is always nice but we will all be without that at points in our lives, especially if we expect it to be an intimate partner. Maybe your journey is to learn what a strong competent woman you really are.

About the other question, you've been wrestling with that for quite a while.

What does K want to do?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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KGirl Offline OP
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What do I want to do? I guess I'm not sure. Which is hard for me, because as we know I like to have a game plan smile

For quite a while what I wanted to do was basically let him be and do my own thing with the idea that eventually he might come around/see that I have changed/had his own changes and realizations/etc. Now I'm not sure that I'm satisfied enough with that action (or "action by inaction"). I guess I'm getting antsy and want something to happen. I'm starting to view his inaction one way or the other less so as "he's just confused" in an emphathetic way, and more so as "he's weak and unconfident about making decisions" in a negative way. It's unattractive to me. I want to be with someone who can articulate what they want and work on resolving things. And the things I'm hearing about him from others do not really make me miss him or feel attracted to him. When I ask myself "if he came around tomorrow and said he'd be willing to do whatever it took, and would follow through, would I be willing to work on it, too?" my answer is still yes, at this point, so maybe I just need to sit tight until my answer becomes "no, too much has happened, it's far too late."

So, in a short version - I guess I don't know what I want to do because the things I want are for HIM to do. I know I should be thinking more about what I can do that is within my control to feel better about the situation. Starting the D process will be no less painful or likely not make me any happier (or richer!), at least at this point.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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KGirl Offline OP
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Well... I feel like I am in a rut of sadness (pit of despair? something like that) and don't know how to get out of it. Maybe time is the only answer. I haven't felt this low since back in April when I decided I needed to change the situation and decided to move out. I've been crying much more than I was over the past several months (like every day the past week). I try to GAL, I make plans, I do things, but sometimes I'm so sad about the situation that I end up not going to those things because I can't get my tears stopped/get in shape to go out. I don't know exactly what it is - some combination of helping my sister plan her wedding, holiday decorations in the stores (which makes me think about this year's holidays and not having H there and last year's BD right before Xmas), watching the movie "Safe Haven" and wanting so badly to be in an R like in the movie (yeah.. I know.. it's not real.. it's a movie.. but I thought I had that R w/ H before all this in many ways)... or just a natural phase of all of this? Probably didn't help that despite defriending H on facebook, I clicked on his profile anyway and noticed that some of the publicly viewable profile pics he had of us together are now gone (untagged? deleted?).

It's like each time I hear or see something happen that indicates he's not coming back, it's a tiny pinprick on my heart... I don't want this to end with a thousand tiny pinpricks hitting me each time. I kinda wish I had one giant punch and then it'd be done. I keep telling myself that no news is good news, nothing is done yet.. but I think that also makes me in denial and therefore never really fully grieving or getting over the grieving because nothing has actually "happened" yet. I still keep dreaming about how he could pop up tomorrow and tell me what an idiot he was. I mean, can someone be thinking they'll divorce you and yet send you a text saying "did you see they're selling Surge soda again?" All of that ("that" being H still making small talk via text about random things) makes it hard to sink in that this could really happen.

Is this a phase I just need to get through, or do I need to seek some kind of more serious help? I don't know what new improvements to me I could make besides just keeping on with what I've already been doing. Maybe that's all I can do and now I just have to work on facing reality instead of pretending it's not there. I feel like I'm just playing house while living alone, waiting for the day when I move back. But I fear if I do really accept that this is done and done, that I will have no inerest in making things work, because I'll be DONE (does that make sense?) I wish I knew how long it would take or what to expect. Obviously people get over it to a point where they can remarry, be in other relationships, etc., without crying every other day but can you really get to that point before things are really and truly "over?" I've been trying to fake it til I make it and act as if.. but I still feel like I'm acting and that none of it is real.

On the bright side (I guess if I can find some humor in this it must not be THAT bad??) the same guy has asked me twice now on the bus what my name is and for my phone number because he'd like to "spend time with me"... sigh. Too bad the feeling isn't mutual ; )


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
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Hi KGirl,

I hear you! I'm dealing with a lot of the same thoughts - finding it difficult to accept that this is actually happening, asking the "is denial preventing me from grieving" question, struggling to understand if/how I can maintain my motivation to make it work work while also trying to accept that done means done. I got no answers for you…but I think that is because there are none. It's not black and white. It's grey. We'll just have to feel our way through this, day by day.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Denial is one of the stages of grieving. It's no fun but you kind of have to accept each stage that you're in in order to get to the next one.

But I personally also think that you go through all the stages in cycles. You went through a cycle (or two?) between BD and moving out. Then maybe another one while you debated about getting the cat. Now you're going through one as you get settled into the reality of the life you're making for yourself.

If you're asking what other changes you should be making besides the ones you're already working through, then maybe you've got some bargaining going on with your denial. You can only take on so much at a time. If you can't think of other changes you want or need to make, then you're just looking to control the situation through your changes, and that won't work.

Your H is a little weird with the pizza commercials and the baby carrots and the Surge soda thing. I wish I could explain it. But if I could explain WAS's then I probably wouldn't be here. wink

Be well!!!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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KGirl,

I'm sorry you are struggling. I think most everyone can relate to your post. I think you said something rather profound. You mentioned you didn't really think it was over. Perhaps not, however that is how you will be truly able to live your life. That old R is done. Can you rebuild a new one? Perhaps. Do you want to build a new one? On my you can answer that.

Maybell is right. You are cycling through stages is normal. You may be at the *acceptance* stage that the old R is over. Sending you a hug!



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Joined: Dec 2013
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Thanks, everyone... I think I need to do some more reading on grief and divorce/break-ups so I can see A) that I'm not crazy and this is normal and B) what things might help process this and get through it intact. I think with the school year starting and summer "over" (my job is based around the school year), reality sets in more. During the summer it felt like I was just on an extended vacation or summer camp or something... now it's settling in more that this is very likely to be my new reality. Me and Jasper the cat in this one bedroom apartment. One book I read did talk about how when you near the "letting go" stage (before acceptance) you feel a lot of the grief and despair you did initially, but in a different way.. moreso in a big picture way ("what is the purpose of life? why am I here?") etc. Maybe that is where I'm at now.

H is weird and that doesn't help. I told my mom about some of the texts he's been sending and her response was "Good! He wants to reconnect with you, things are turning around!" To which I said, no, I don't think so, it's just random small talk. I said that if he wants to turn things around I would need something concrete from him (like, I don't know, a "I want to talk about us and try and work on things" sort of statement?) Her response: "Maybe this is his way of doing that." And that kind of threw me for a loop because we talk a lot here about not taking stock in much of anything unless it's the "what will it take?" sort of statement. Not sure what to think about that.

I'm also a little freaked out because H and I have agreed to meet tomorrow so he can give me the food he won't eat anymore. I decided not to stress myself out with going to the house. He offered to drop it off but I don't really want him to come to where I live, so we're meeting at a parking lot in-between. The neutral spot makes me feel a litle better though it kinda feels like a ransom exchange. I am scared because I don't know if this will be just a stuff exchange, or if he'll have something more to say (specifically something final). Worst case scenario he says "I've made up my mind, I want a D." I shouldn't be scared of that because it's what I've been preparing for or seeing as the likely outcome but it would still sting to hear it. I know I shouldn't worry so much about what he *might* say but I also don't want to be completely unprepared for the possibility. I do want to see how he's doing because a friend had commented on his physical appearance and I'm concerned he's not taking care of himself, eating, etc. Not sure what I will do if I do see something concerning, maybe send someone in his family a message asking if they've seen him lately. I will be sure to look my best, not mopey, but not super excited either (because I am just honestly not super excited to have to see him and do this). Polite indifference might be a good attitude to shoot for?

Maybell, I wish you could explain the random outreaches, too. You could make tons of money off a website or book on explaining WAS's smile I was reading somewhere over in MLC about "touches" vs. actual reconnecting and maybe these are just "touches" to make sure I'm still here/around.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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I was supposed to start out today w/ a visit from a mobile groomer to cut out my cat's mats. Unfortunately I couldn't get him into his carrier to take him outside and he ran under the bed and there was no way for me to get him out without being clawed to death. I had to cancel the groomer. I'm mad at the cat, even though I know it is not his fault that he is scared. And I'm sad because this is so hard by myself - when H and I would take our cat to the vet he'd hold the cat and I'd hold the carrier and we'd figure it out together. Now I'm sobbing over the stupid cat groomer and feeling bad that I can't even manage this by myself. I know it could be worse. I don't have to be a single parent to children. I just have one cat. But this is not what I signed up for.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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