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Facebook sure does make things awkward! I'm hoping that it will become less awkward in time, when whatever happens in my future happens and word spreads. I posted my cute little kitty pics, and wouldn't you know it but NO ONE made any sort of comment referencing H, other cat, etc. Just "likes" and well-wishes. Goes to show you how we do worry too much about things that never come to pass.

I have a confession - hopefully I'm not the only one that does this, but I find myself fantasizing sometimes about H surprising me with a "I'm such an a-hole, please forgive me, I want to make it up to you" declaration of some sort. Like I went to get my haircut today and found myself thinking "what if he asked the hairdresser to let him know when I get my haircut next... so he could come there and surprise me" or "maybe this meet-up with my friends is just a set-up and he'll be there!" I know it's ridiculous and the liklihood of such a thing happening is very, very low, so I don't know why these thoughts sneak up on me. I guess it's because I still have hope that something will happen to snap him out of this and he'll "come back." Today in general didn't help. I work at a university and it was the first day of classes, which is always hectic and involves a lot of talking (which is really draining for me as an introvert). I had to take the car I just got to get fixed. And when I finally came home, all sweaty and gross, I couldn't get my dress unzipped, and I just wanted someone (preferably H) to be there to help me unzip my dress and talk about my day. The pain is still there. And I'm still having a lot of trouble accepting this. If we had fought a lot, or one of us cheated and it was a deal breaker, or we had some sort of unresolveable huge value difference about something (like one person wanted kids and the other didn't) I feel like I'd be more accepting of a D. But because I don't understand his reasoning or lack thereof, it's still very difficult to "get" it and be understanding/forgiving/not believe he won't swoop in sometime and make everything better. "I'm just not in love with you anymore, see ya" still isn't really sinking in for me, I guess. In theory I get that it may be the only solution he can come up with. In theory I can think about how GeorgiaBelle says that marriage/family/relationships is hard work and some people just can't cope with it or handle it. But in reality it just still makes me shake my head and wonder. I do tell myself regularly that I wasn't a horrible wife, and while I could have done things better, I was not so awful that this had to be the only answer. I was probably pretty good all things considered. But, it's hard for me to reconcile that with what he's done... thoughts do still creep in about how I could have driven him away.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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KGirl, you're definitely not the only one who does this. I have that fantasy too, although I'm still at the point where I imagine that he has his big realisation, comes to tell me how awful he was, and then I chew him out for at least awhile and tell him I don't know if I could take him back, at least nit right now, and not without a lot of work. I have the realisation fantasy a lot, though, especially since he didn't seem to think he had any responsibility in the demise of our marriage.

I also understand your difficulty with acceptance. Not having some huge, defined reason for things falling apart is hard, and it becomes really easy to put all of the blame on yourself. If it wasn't something obvious with them, it's really easy to assume that the issue was something having to do with you.

Keep in mind that even if he can't articulate what's going on - and there were many, many things that my H. couldn't articulate - it doesn't mean that there isn't some reason. He may not want to tell you. He may not have the words. He may not even know what that reason is. But whatever it is, if he can't really articulate what it is and doesn't have anything really specific to point to, it probably has a whole lot to do with him and very, very little - if anything - to do with you.


M - 34
H - 36
Together 10 years
Married 4 years
BD - March, 2014
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The text conversation we had yesterday definitely helped me keep perspective that there is something going on with him... and who knows what it is. You just can't make this stuff up. His communications are bizarre given the circumstances.

I texted him about the electric bill that he still did not transfer (you may recall, loyal readers, that this has been an ongoing issue even though he said he'd take care of it and didn't want me to "nag" him about it). He responded that he was working on it... and then proceeded to ask me if I had seen a commercial for a new Little Ceaser's pizza. And then asked me what we normally put in our pasta salad. You may also recall that H had told me not too long ago that he was no longer going to eat pasta/eat healthier in general to get in better shape. ???

I responded that I hadn't seen the commercial. He wrote back with a detailed description of this pizza (although it does sound good.. some kind of pretzel crust, pepperoni, and nacho cheese is involved?). And then that was it.

Then today..
H: You got a letter from the DMV in the mail. Should I open it?
Me: Yes please.
H: It's confirmation of your license fees. You bought an orange Honda? [no idea why that went to the house, I put my new address on EVERYTHING, must be the universe teasing me]
Me: OK. Yes, I did!
H: I thought you wanted a teal one?
Me: There are two in the state and they were too expensive. *sends picture of car to H*
.... no response from H. ?? I don't know if he is ignoring me, if he thinks it's the stupidest car ever, if he's having some sort of meltdown because he thinks I'm moving on.. but I'm annoyed that he initiates a conversation and then just walks away from it. I guess I still have some expectations about that. Or maybe I'd just rather have the last word instead of him so it frustrates me smile

I'm still amazed that of all the things, he wanted to tell me about a pizza he saw on a commercial. *shrug*


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Words fail me.

Hope you're enjoying the car!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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That pizza sounds disgusting and perfect for him trying to eat healthier.

I'm glad you got that car. Orange is awesome and the color of "instinctual responses". Interesting, huh?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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KGirl, you do not have to respond to him every time he texts you about stupid things like pizza or baby carrots. It seems that he always starts a conversation, and then ends it either abruptly, rudely or just insensitively. You don't seem to ever be satisfied by any conversation with him (and understandably so), so why bother? He is getting what he needs out of the exchanges (information, entertainment, someone to listen to him, a chance to show you who is in control here), and you are getting nothing, other than more questions. Try not responding a time or two, and see what happens.


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
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melissa - I am really confused about how to approach this, so any and all advice is appreciated. On the one hand, I totally get what you are saying - if I just ignored him I wouldn't end up disappointed or frustrated. On the other hand, it seems like a lot of reconciliations on here began with small-talk conversations (I think with labug it was a bunch of texts back and forth?), so I'm worried I may miss out on that opportunity. I also want to keep the road home paved and smooth so I worry that not answering a question will be seen as rude and not bring me closer to my goal of him "coming back." Should I try harder to only answer direct questions, and as briefly as possible, maybe? Rather than completely ignoring them? Like in the conversation about the car above, I could have answered most of that with a yes, no, or "I found something else instead", I didn't really need to include more details and a picture. What do you think? I suppose I could also send him a text or something saying "Moving forward, I'm only going to answer your messages that are absolutely necessary for bills and logisitcs. Our conversations otherwise leave me feeling frustrated and disappointed" but maybe that is too much...


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
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K Girl,

I know your question was directed to Melissa, however I wanted to chime in. Imho, do not send your h a text saying you only respond to x, y, or z. He again, knows exactly where you are and how to reach you. You've responded and those responses leave *you* disappointed because you want more. You aren't wrong for wanting more but rather your h gets what he needs and moves on.

You are focusing on how he perceives you in your text responses. Too many view people view texting as having a "conversation" and that's not the same. You are not missing out on the opp to reconnect with your h. How do I know this? Actions speak much louder than words.

Yes, I'm sure some reconnects begin with texts and there is no guarantee that texting a great deal or none at all leads to R. I don't say this to be harsh, although I say this because I can tell you want movement. I know it doesn't make sense that your h can just say "I'm done." It's crazy isn't it? However, he knows you didn't want a separation or a D. You were very clear on that. It was also clear that you are willing to put the effort in to make this R work. Your h has not said that and his actions have not indicated that either. It's very clear to us reading here that *you* want to R and it's very clear that your h isn't there. Maybe he gets there or maybe he doesn't. I have no clue.

You seem like a very intelligent, funny, successful young woman. I can send your sadness and fear and completely relate to being baffled by your h's behavior. You cannot change that. You are growing in so many obvious ways and it's always wonderful to read your posts because you have a way of articulating very intricate and complex thoughts. Don't allow your R with your h to define who the fabulous K-Girl is.

Regardless of what happens with your h, you will be wonderful. And someone will be lucky to have you in their life. smile

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 09/04/14 01:46 PM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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^^^ Yes!

If he wants to reconnect, he knows how to do that.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Thoughts from anyone and everyone are much appreciated smile

OK. I can do this. H sent a text this morning (he's on a roll, I guess) telling me something about the rain and flash flood watch. I did not respond. One step at a time. When I think about it, when he does ask me something it is always for him to get information that he needs. It has never been (post BD) a genuine inquiry about me in terms of how I am doing, or trying to show an interest in me, or anything like that. So I guess it's really not reaching out to reconnect, and like melissa said, it's just him getting what he needs without any thought into me.

I know there is hope for me, whether it's with H or someone else. Sometimes I do stress myself unnecessarily about "finding" someone else. At this age men who are single due to divorce or widowed are nearly non-existent. So the guys out there would be the never married ones... and why are they not married/in a relationship?? It doesn't seem like it could be for any good reason (I know, I know, I'm making some assumptions that I really know nothing about at this point). There have been several people over the last 10+ years that have told me "If things ever don't work out with H... let me know" so I think I am a good catch. Sadly all those guys are married now wink


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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