I get that as well. We can have a conversation about anything she wants, as long as it has nothing to do about her thoughts or decisions. She completely shuts down if she feels she is being analyzed.
She can still go on and on about her work or the weather and wants interaction with those things, but if I try to bring in a new subject - look out.
It often feels like I am just an ear and being used. But maybe it is better than no communication at all for now.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
From what you've posted, it appears your h shuts you out when you ask a question. He felt comfortable with the Tom & Jerry story (I couldn't resist:-) because HE initiated it. I'm not an expert by any stretch although i don't think a response is necessary unless you have something to add. It may be best to let your h initiate contact for a while unless it's a necessity.
If I recall, you mentioned your h said he felt like he missed out on things because he was in a R. It could be that your h is adjusting to his new freedom and any questions from you seem intrusive. In his mind, it could be that any questions about what he does , eats, etcetera seem like control- from an authoritative figure.
Hang in there. You are doing great !
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
GB - yes, it seems he's OK w/ initiating conversation but feels threatened if I ask anything about him. It fits with one of the reasons he said was behind DB - that I questioned him too much and wanted to know everything he was doing. I'm not sure I agree with him 100% on that but I think there's a balance we can find between "Sure, you don't have to tell me anything about where you go after work!" and "Who were you with? What'd you drink? Where'd you go? Who did you talk to? What exactly did you eat?" etc.
I responded with "OK, interesting" just so I wasn't completely ignoring him, in hopes of keeping that road paved and smoothed. Which led to this fascinating text exchange:
H: Yes, very interesting. Also, not sure if you still make buffalo chicken chili but I had the brilliant idea of using baby carros, as they were easier to peel and cheaper, instead of regular carrots.
Me: Makes sense. I thought you didn't like the texture of baby carrots so I never bought them [side note - I definitely remember standing in the store with him years ago looking at carrots and him saying he would not eat baby carrots!]
H: Um,I'm pretty sure whenI brought some baby carrots from my mom you said you wouldn't eat them because you didn't like them? O_o. I don't like to eat them plain persay, but it isn't like I wouldn't. I didn't think you liked them at all.
Me: No I don't like them plain either. But in stew and stuff they'd be fine.
H: That makes sense then. I think we usually just didn't get them because there was a deal to buy regular carrots and then we had to use them.
Me: Guess we learned something new today - we both eat them!
I know I didn't need to con't conversing with him and could have just left it. Figured it didn't hurt. But holy jeez, here we are on the brink of divorce and the only convos we are having are about pasta and baby carrots. If I could find that thread of outrageous things the WAS/MLCers say this would be on there for sure. Hope it entertains you all
Today I was walking into work and everything was beautiful - sun was shining, grass was green after a storm last night, perfect temperature. It called to mind a quote I read from an elephant journal article that I re-read regularly (search "why you don't have the balls to be happy"): "If you would slow down and appreciate what you have daily, happiness might just poke her head out from behind your back and say: hey, here I am. If you would count what you’re grateful for on your fingers and toes every single morning and every single night, you might start to sense what happiness tastes like. When you realize that the fact the sky is blue, the sun rises everyday, and the beat of your pet’s heart are all miraculous, happiness might just start to let you catch her scent."
And that is exactly how I felt this morning - I totally got it. And it also made me think about H's sister saying he's still struggling with finding happiness, and how I feel sorry for him in a way because he cannot appreciate these little everyday occurrences for what they are, and realize that happiness is not about finding this mythical best partner, but perhaps working with what you have and recognizing that there's value in your shared history and that you made that initial decision for some good reason. But that's on him, I guess.
I've done so many interesting and brave things this summer- I think I am making good progress! I went to Las Vegas and the state fair by myself, moved, adopted a cat, spent a weekend w/ friends at a waterpark resort, made the gym somewhat of a habit,and even visited car dealers to check out cars. Meanwhile H is not eating pasta and working on some supplement plan to "bulk up." Hmm. And getting excited about baby carrots because he doesn't have to peel them.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Am I the only person who ever wonders how people were happy 200 years ago when they didn't have the option of taking up crazy diets or leaving their spouses or spending time on xBox? But surely people must have been happy before they had all these memes and gurus telling them how to find it. They can't have all fallen to pieces because their lives were half over and they didn't know who they were.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell- we had a training at work recently about decision-making and how the more choices people have available, the less confident and satisfied they are with their decision once they make it. Maybe that explains it, because there are so many more choices nowadays? I mean, when you have to choose between madden or nba2k or FIFA or halo or whatever else just to play a video game, imagine how many choices you have to make on a regular basis (my H got an xbox360 two weeks before BD so I may be a little bitter...;) )
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Or when they look online and see "100 single women in your area are waiting to chat with YOU'"!
Sort of leads them to believe that there's this parade of women we've been keeping from them.
We're so mean. What were we thinking?
-------GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I'll hijack your thread and second that talk about choices leading to fear of missing out on a better choice leading to unhappiness. It's like the Happy Days quote: "happy, happy, happy, you keep searching for happiness and its gonna make you miserable!" This has even led me to wonder if the life of a slave was more fulfilling. I can't quite get behind it, but being forced to accept a difficult reality vs chasing the dragon has appeal. And for that reason I think "fiddler on the roof" is a great movie about the breakdown of tradition when people knew "who they were and what god expected them to do".
I was reading about depression a while back and found something so interesting. Some sociologists were curious about how primitive tribes dealt with their members with depression. Problem- they couldn't find any. Apparently their lifestyles were naturally developed to get them what we all need. Then look at ways to overcome depression, they're all things those tribes did daily: plenty of excercise, good diet, sunlight, community connection, tight knot families, spirituality.
Guess I just had to hop in. Been a tough night for me and you all are the only people with the collective patience enough to hear about it. Take care!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I just thought I'd jump in here and say that I think 200 years ago, there was no one talking about happiness and "are you really happy?" It was simply about getting through the day and surviving. Your day/life was about work and making ends meet. Now we put so much value in "are we happy" and I think that is what sends people off the deep end. Just looking around on the internet and you see taglines like "having it all" and "being happy" and it's no wonder that people wonder what they're missing out on.. there is always something better.
I may not be articulating myself the best (had a long family lunch w/- alcohol) but that's my 0.2 cents!
