KGirl - 7 months later...

[KGirl]

Time for a new thread.

Last thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2476178&page=11

I don't really have anything to say but left a loong post on my last thread, that's enough sharing for now!

[labug]

Awww K, I read your post and you're in a tough, painful place.

About the "whose problem is it" question I asked, I appreciate the answer but what I see happening is, you won't let his problems be his problems. You bail him out either emotionally or physically, ie., who's stressed about what his not doing right now with the bill? You take it on instead of leaving it with him.

Do you love him enough to be able to live with the differences the 2 of you have without expecting him to change?

[KGirl]

Hmm... I kind of see what you are saying, but I guess I feel like his problems are becoming my problems - namely because when he doesn't transfer the bills, now they are being paid partially with MY money, as opposed to just HIS money. I don't want to lose out on $100+ a month. I suppose I could just leave it be and when whatever happens, happens (we'd either close the joint account or start using it again for our joint bills) I could go through the transaction history and figure out what he owes me, though harder to keep track of it and no guarantee I'd get my money back. Maybe what you're saying is that instead of continually stressing about it, I should just remind him of what he agreed to do, leave it at that, and then if it's still not done the next month reassess my strategy?

I had felt like we had gotten to a good place last summer/fall with living with the differences between us (we struggled a bit when we bought a house the year before and managing all of that). But I guess that was just what I felt, and not him. I felt like I was accomodating more than he was, but I loved him enough that he was OK with it. THAT H was fine. But then the H at/after BD said he wasn't standing up for himself, not getting his needs met, etc., and then he became much more pushy and selfish, for lack of a better description... more "my way or the highway, here's the door if you don't like it, this is what I want and I won't compromise anymore, you're asking too much of me" and this newer H I could not live with (because then I'd have to accomodate and compromise even MORE than I was before to make it work and it's just too much.) Like his complaint after BD about mowing the lawn and doing the dishes being too much in one day - I don't have kids for a reason, I don't want to have to do everything as if I'm his mom.

[KGirl]

Sorry, edit: I felt like I was accomodating more than he was, but I loved him enough that *I* was OK with it.

[KGirl]

Exciting news! I adopted a cat today. He's super cute - he has long black hair and green eyes. He's a very shy cat and needs a lot of time to adjust. He's hiding right now but with time he should warm up and be more social. Yay! It took me awhile but after a lot of reassurances from friends about how I could cross that bridge later if I move back home, that I need to focus on myself and my needs and wants right now, etc. All things we've talked about here but it's nice to hear that reassurance in real life, too.

[Georgiabelle]

Congratulations! Furry family members are wonderful:-)

[Maybell]

Enjoy!!!

[KGirl]

My new little buddy has been keeping me pretty busy! This cat was actually adopted and returned twice because he was too shy and wouldn't come out of hiding. He came out for me though the first night he was here Probably helps it's just me and no kids! We've been working on playing, eating, and trying to get his fur in shape. He has a lot of knots and mats so he might need a belly shave... poor little guy. Having a pet makes me feel more settled. I really missed "our" cat and sometimes when I saw a shadow I thought it was her.. then remembered she wasn't here. I really can have a good life without H, if it comes to that. I have a place to live, I have transportation (old as it may be.. still no luck on the car search), food, a pet, a good job, and money left over for fun things. It will be OK, maybe even better than OK. It's not what I wanted, still isn't what I want, and I still feel strongly that our issues would be resolveable if H would be honest about what they were and want to discuss/work on them, but that's beyond my circle of influence right now.

Some of the ladies here have been talking about their H's dating lately and whether or not they should make that some sort of boundary or deal breaker, or even be able to ask. I guess I feel like it doesn't matter right now. H said he didn't want to be married so in his mind it's done, how can I tell him he can't date (or whatever it might be... hook-ups? eww) At this point I think I will only concern myself with it if we ever started talking/rebuilding our R again.. I just don't see myself being OK with never knowing what happened. I'd rather get it out in the open once and then leave it be, than always wonder what happened, especially given we had little to no dating history before each other. I still don't know if H actually getting physical with anyone is a deal breaker for me. At first I thought it wouldn't be, back when I was desperate and felt like I'd do anything to get him back. Now I'm not so sure. I guess I'll just be OK with "I don't know" on that one right now and ponder it if or when I ever have to..?

[vossy]

I'm with you on your last point. If I was being really and truly honest with myself, I'd say my ex probably has been physical with someone since the DB - given it has been nine months, and him not getting his needs met was one of our main issues. I'd like to think otherwise, but it seems unrealistic. However, because I don't *know* for sure, I don't let myself go there. If/when it comes to a R, I would need to know though, for the sake of being safe, sure, but also because - like you said - I don't want to wonder about the "what ifs."

In fact, your entire last paragraph pretty much sums up my feelings on the matter.. so, you're not alone!

Congrats on your cat. I have a plan to get a pet as soon as I am financially able, but when it comes to crunch time, I sometimes wonder if I'll have an issue since me and my ex talked relentlessly about getting a puppy together.

[KGirl]

Vossy- the cat was a struggle for me because H has our cat and we don't think she really gets along with other cats. I worried that if we got back together that I'd have to give the cat up. But that all seems so unlikely now, who cares.

So H texted me tonight asking if I wanted some food he wasn't going to eat because he "wasn't going to eat much pasta anymore. " Weird from a guy who loves mac and cheese and spaghettios. I know his workout freak friend is always stressing certain foods so I thought I was just being interested when I texted back "Are you going all protein and veggies?" He wrote back "Why would u ask that? Not that it's any of your business..." but then still proceeded to tell me he was going to be eating healthier etc. etc. I responded that I was just curious because it was interesting, and "Didn't need that reminder about it not being my business. Ouch." Because it did hurt and im not just going to act like its ok for him to be so rude like that. Am I wrong in thinking he kind opened the conversation? He could have just said "Do u want some of this food?" And left it at that. Guess I walked into that one. Hard not to wonder why/for who he is trying to get into shape for. Guess that was my 2x4 to not engage in anything conversational. Should I explain I was just being conversational or forget it?