Wife still in MLC but has now left #2

[Matt165]

Hi Mighty,
Hope the concert was fun! My W was really into One Direction (big teen age music fan) and even our D14 would make fun of her about it (in a nice way). I think her taste in music reflected her MLC, lots of Avril L. and "angst" type stuff. I remember one song she would play over and over "Anything but ordinary" by Avril L. all about how she wanted anything but a "normal" life, even if she got her heart ripped out! Sounds like Avril was in her own MLC when she wrote that one! LOL

Had to speak to my lawyer today. Had to tell him that my D14 can't make up her mind about whether she wants to live with me or her mom and is avoiding the subject. He said unless she says she wants to live with me the court will do pretty much what we have been (7 days with me, 7 days with W) and if W and I can't agree that D14 should have a lot of leeway and not be "forced" to go to her place or spend a holiday or go on vacation, etc. with either of us, which W has said she wants to do (force her that is), than the court will order D14 to do so. Fallback in my state is unless both "partys" agree to open time then they will make D do exactly what my W wants. I had hoped that my D14 would say she wants to live with me in the only home that she has ever known but be able to go see and even live with her mom whenever she wanted. Hard to explain to a 14 year old that by agreeing to saying she wants to live with me she will still see her mom but just not be locked into what the court says she MUST do. All she thinks about is that she is having to choose me over her mom or vice versa. All my D14 would say was she wanted to see how doing things the way we have worked during school. Of course because her mom had to push things it is going to be hard to hold the D from getting finalized. Although there are property issues that I want changed, the biggest being that my W wants to just let me live in our home until our D14 turns 18 and then sell it and give me half. At the same time she wants to not have to split her retirement money, get more than half of the "stuff" including all the antiques and the best furniture. All I want is what's best for my d. I really think that what's best is her to live with me, especially when her mom is acting the way she is. W has totally abandoned our older D19 who really needs our help because my W is angry at her because she didn't want to live her. I know she will leave our D14 alone most every night working late, will want to leave her with her "friends" when she has to go out of town for work. I really truly think the only reasons she wants to even have custody at 50/50 is because she doesn't want to pay CS and because she is afraid of what people would say if she didn't get custody!

I called the IRS about the notice that my W got and guess what? They said exactly what I told her they would say...that she should just disregard the notice as the info they need is already in the system and in "pending" status. I texted my W and told her this and gave her the name and ID # of the cust. service person I spoke to and even had the CS person make a note on my W's file that they were called today and told to disregard the notice. I told her to feel free to call and ask herself if she wanted but all that she would be told is what I just said. At the end I told her that I would be sure to let her know as I get more info from them. I got back from W "K thanks" in a text.

I don't know anymore what I really want in regards to my soon to be over M and W. The only reason I want to have any kind of R with her at all is because of our D14. If not for her, I would just totally cut myself off from my W, finalize the D and never speak to her again as long as I live! I don't like who she has become MLC or whatever the cause. She destroyed our M because she was unhappy but can't say what I did to make her so. She pushed for D because her father told her it was the "right" thing to do and she can't say no to him about anything (I think out of fear he will just abandon her again like he did his only son). She has totally just stopped helping her own D19 like she doesn't matter, again I think because her father has told her too just let her fend for herself. I know she is in crisis. I know she is in real pain and doesn't know how to make it stop and has decided to blame me and her M, maybe because she doesn't feel "love" for me anymore or maybe because it's the biggest change she can see to make (something she once told me soon after B-day). Maybe because her father, the man she has wanted back in her life, to love her, has told her that if she does this he will respect her for it. Who knows? But if she were ever to come out of this fog. If she ever were to realize that the problems weren't with me or her M, I don't know that I could ever just allow her back in my life. So much pain, so much craziness. So much hurt. I guess I really have come to realize that my M, my old life is so totally and truly gone. All because of the whim of a 48 year old person who is so damaged she can't can't stand being in her own skin.

I'm sure this is just a phase. Part of the cycle of dealing with the end of my M. I just have to keep that in my mind, feel the emotions and then let them go and move forward. I guess the good news is I'm not "spinning", not all angry. Progress I think. I know I will get through this and be OK. I know my D14 will do the same. I think more than anything it's the realization that my old W is gone forever and I REALLY loved that person. Time to bury her and move on.

[Matt165]

OK, I have a question for everyone here.

Yesterday was "exchange the D14 day". Instead of doing it yesterday, she stayed here an extra night so she could be picked up by my MIL to spend the day helping her out. No problem. So, I got home today and my D14's dog was still here which is odd as she always takes her wherever she is staying. I text my D14 and ask if she wants me to drop off the dog at her mom's on my way to work. D14 says no, the dog can stay with me until she comes back on Sunday. Again, no problem. A few min's ago, a car pulls in my drive and it's my MIL and D14. I go out and ask if she came to get the dog after all? My MIL says no, W called and told her that D14 needs to stay with me another week because she thinks it is best if D14 stays with her for the first week of school since my W lives really close to the school, so D will stay here until Sunday and then spend the next 2 weeks with W!

OK, W didn't ask me about this or even mention it to me. She didn't ask if this was what I thought was best or if I wanted D14 to stay with me or her for the first week of school. My W just felt this was what she wanted and just did it! Not only that, she didn't even text me that my D was coming back tonight! Nope, just sent her here assuming not only that I was OK with this but that I would be ready for D14. When my MIL told me why she brought my D back I said "Would have been nice if W had told me about this ahead of time" and my MIL got this pained look on her face and said "I think she just found out herself". No, she didn't just "find out"! She has known when the first week of school is for a long time. This is something she planned, didn't tell me or ask me how I thought about it, she just didn't bother letting me know!

I'm really not happy about this! First of all who is she to just assume that I was OK with this. Next, why would she just do it and not even let me know that she was coming back or ask if I was OK with it! Am I wrong to be so ticked off at my W about this? Don't get me wrong, I love having her and will take as much time as possible with her. But for my W to make this decision on her own and not even bother to tell me, let alone get my OK I think is just rude and not something she can do without my OK!

I really want to text my W and ask why she decided to do this without my input and it is just common courtesy to let me know what was going on and that my D14 was coming to stay another week!

Am I over-reacting here? Should I just let this go and just not bother texting my W about how she went about this? I know I'm more than a little peeved at my W right now and in a bit of a "dark place" because of the IRS stuff and having to talk to my lawyer and all. I just don't want to cause more trouble because little Miss MLC thinks she can make a decision like this all on her own! Thanks guys! I don't want to make a mistake that makes thing harder moving ahead!

[Shining]

Matt,

DISCLAIMER: Possibly because I'm currently raising awareness to my "lack of boundaries", this is where I see some potential future problems.

If there is an existing agreement of visitation, and one parent goes all "willy-nilly" at the last minute and changes things without a mutual agreement beforehand, and there is not a boundary/consequence in place, this will be exactly what your future will look like over, and over.

Do not let this go. Be firm, but calm.

Might be too late to do much this time, but going forward, set the expectation. One example it could look like is, "when W relinquishes her visitation time and D goes back to Matt, W does not automatically get Matt's time in place of that, unless Matt agrees to the switch. If Matt does not agree, but D is brought back, then W loses both times". For instance.

[Wet]

Hi Matt, I'm going to take the other side of this one. I like the informal child sharing arrangement that I have with my W. If you push too hard you will get a written Court Order where every moment of your child is set out in the Order, I hate these kind of child time Orders, and I think if they can be avoided do so. What your W is thinking makes sense. If W lives by daughter's school, it does kind of make sense to let her have daughter during the first week. The poor communication by W is inexcusable, this is what you should address. But as Shining mentioned, keep cool, calm and composed. Good luck.

[Shining]

Wet, yep, I've seen it work both ways. It depends on the co-parent you're dealing with... Some are reasonable and there is more wiggle room for flexibility.

Others, you give an inch....well, they take the grandfather clock.

[Mighty]

Matt,
Does the court system in your state have a mediator for your daughter? Maybe you can request one? Your d may feel more comfortable speaking with someone like this. They represent the kids and act on their behalf as their lawyer. Maybe this will help her have some input without feeling like she has to speak to either one of you about it. These people work with kids and are usually really good and understanding. Also, they are usually really good at picking up on any bs. Just a thought...

[Nitty]

Once again, Matt, I am SO GLAD I do not have minor children during this awful MLC episode. Thank you, GOD, for that blessing.

I am sending good thoughts your way, Matt, that you will decide to do the best thing for your kids and yourself in the long term, whatever that decision may be.

[Lifes Twists]

Matt,

How long are you going to roll over for her?

You need to regain a set of B#!!s and stand up for yourself. Unless you respect yourself, no one will, especially her.

Sorry ladies for the strong language.

I would email or text your wife and let her know that it is her decision to forfeit a week with her daughter if she chooses to. Let her know that you do not plan on changing the visitation schedule at this time. Let her know that she needs to work these changes out with you at least 48 hours in advance or will have to accept what you decide to do. That she does not have the right to unilaterally change the schedule. Let her know this is non negotiable unless discussed through the lawyers with the outcome being a parenting plan or parenting order.

[Matt165]

Well, I replied to everyone last night before going to bed and somehow it never showed up here....I hate when that happens! I'll try again.....

Wet, The informal arrangement is exactly what I think is best for my D14. In fact that is what my W and I talked about doing. The thing is, when she filed her "final decree", she had every second of every day mapped out. She even had which holidays D14 would spend with who, that the court had to be notified 3 months ahead of time before we could go on vacation, where D would go to school, where she could go (there is a provision that D14 can't leave either the county I live in or the one W lives in!) on and on. This is one of the reasons why I'm more than a bit PO'd about the fact that my W decided all on her own without even bothering to text me about it! It seems clear that my W is more interested in what's best for HER at any given time, not what's best for D14!

In principal, I agree that it's not a bad idea for D14 to be at her mom's for first week of school. One problem I have is that my W made sure that our D went to a school near HER. It is a form of manipulation to get D14 more interested in living with W. The way my W has been acting, I KNOW that she isn't thinking of what's best for our D, only what's best for HER. It's wrong to just assume that this arrangement is OK with me, that I am ready and able to keep her for an extra week now and am willing to go 2 weeks without her here after. She needs to understand that if she wants to get what SHE wants the least she can do is act like an adult and talk to me about things before she decides what we both are willing and able to do!

I have allowed my W from the start of all this to get what she wanted. Of course one of the reasons was because she had made agreements with me (like my getting the house) that have now just disappeared. Another reason was because I had hope that just maybe she would see that what she was doing was a mistake and maybe at least slow down and not be so quick to push the D forward. I came to DB in the hopes that I might be able to save my M. Now both those things no longer seem to apply. So, now I find myself in a position where I'm already at a disadvantage because of what I already have allowed my W to do. I certainly don't want her thinking I'm just going to roll over and let her have her way going down the road.

I can see what's coming. My W is going to leave my D14 alone at home when she is staying there most nights until late. She doesn't seem capable of thinking of anyone or anything but what she wants. I really truly believe that my D living with me is what's best but my W won't do that. No, she is too worried that she will have to pay CS and that I will "turn D14 against her and make her hate her" which is what my W has said her mother did with her father (although this is new. All her mother did was react to the horrible things her father was doing but now my W seems to want to change history to make her father a "victim").

I really hate that she has forced this on everyone. The last thing we need is to let her think she is allowed to make decisions without even bothering to let me know ahead of time! Am I wrong here? I know that I'm not in the best state of mind to think clearly. I'm also kind of tired of having to always think about what my W is thinking or if she will react this way or that. What is the "right" DB technique for the situation at hand, go dark or have contact, having to be careful and "validate" her feelings (no matter how crazy), etc. while she just keeps running and destroying everything! She is trying to erase the last 26 years! She even wants to change her name after 21 years of marriage and have a different last name than her kids because "it sounds better" (I'm willing to bet this last one came from her father!). Nothing I have done, no matter what, has slowed her down one bit.

Looking back my W has been acting like a spoiled child for a long time. Always wanting her way and throwing tantrums when she didn't get it. It's like this D is the ultimate tantrum. One where I can't just ignore the crazy. I have very little doubt that once all is said and done my W will regret what she has done. She will someday come to find that she made a mistake and just getting a D won't suddenly change everything and she will be happy and "find her joy". Cold comfort knowing that in the meantime she doesn't seem to care who gets hurt.

[mleigh4]

Matt, I have to agree with Shining in that if this isn't addressed now, it can become a pattern. I just mean in the sense of communication. She absolutely should have let you know about the change. I don't see any harm in letting her know, calmly, that visitation changes need to be discussed, not assumed.