My 15 year old daughter acts the same way. I think they understand more than we give them credit for. I mostly think not talking is their way of showing us they feel robbed of what their older siblings got. They feel somehow that they have missed out on things. The best thing you can do is to keep positive, be consistent, show stability and give her a feeling of a safe stable environment. If you can, somehow get her a counselor. I would tell my lawyer that I want a counselor for her and her mom refuses. I would guess that your lawyer can come up with any number of legal avenues to force this. I am sure every kind of road block can be thrown up until your wife agrees to this. I would tell your lawyer you will drag this divorce out for years if need be unless your wife agrees to this.
Continue doing what is right for your daughter. Show that she comes first above everything else.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Hi Everyone and happy Saturday! Well, had an odd experience tonight. W called. She NEVER calls. For some background, I haven't spoken to my W about the IRS audit. The reason being she never had anything to do with taxes and she has a tendency to really freak out and I didn't want her freaking out and getting involved when all she would do is worry and give me grief. I figured I would send the IRS the info they asked for and wait until I heard back before I told her. Either that or bring it up with the lawyer. The last thing I needed was her making things even worse!
So she called to tell me she got a notice from the IRS about the taxes and she was really worried. She said it was addressed just to her at her new address. That is odd as I have been getting all the notices because my name was always on top and it was a joint return. First weird thing....she wasn't angry, wasn't giving me grief. She was actually calm and when I explained that I had already taken care of what they asked about she was very cool about the whole thing. I told her I didn't want to worry her and that I was waiting until I heard back from them before telling her as there is nothing that can be done until then. I also told her I had spoken to someone about a tax attorney we could get if we end up needing one! All she said was that I probably should have told her about it but in a (and this is the oddest part) NICE WAY! No anger. No telling me how it must have been all my fault. Very odd.
Next weird thing. She told me that she had been at a course all day with her friend from work (Continuing Ed. for her work) and she had just now gotten her mail and called right away. This is odd because for the last year or more she would NEVER feel it was any of my business where she was or who she was with. She told me what the course was about and it was something she had been looking into getting a special certification in last year. I asked her about that and she said that her work won't let her do that now because they have cut back on paying for courses and she would have to pay $5,000 out of pocket to do it. Again, she was being nice, telling me about her life, etc.
I told her that her mom had called and that she wanted our D14 to help her Monday and I wanted to give her a heads up. (D14 is with me but goes back to her place tomorrow). She said that she had gotten a call from her mom but she didn't answer because she was watching a movie and didn't want to stop to talk to her. OK, now she's telling me what she is doing, weird! She made some small talk about having ants and that her friend and her had been eating ice cream and spilled some and now there are ants every where. She also asked if I wanted to meet tomorrow so she can get D14 and was really open about when and where.
As soon as the talk slowed down, I made sure to be the one to say good-bye first (DB 101) and she said "See you tomorrow" in really nice way. So, suddenly my W is being nice. She was even nice about the IRS thing when I know if it had happened while she was living here she would have been screaming bloody murder! She talked about what she is doing and where she was. Again, she was like a teenager before and would rather die before explaining where she was or who she was with!
I know that this means nothing has changed. It's just a blip of being "decent" and she will be going back to to her old self soon. It was just so nice to have an actual convo. with her that didn't include her telling me how awful I am or why I should give her something she wants or how she had to leave me or spend the rest of her life sleeping on the couch and hating her life. She didn't disagree with everything I said, didn't act like it was a chore to speak to me, didn't ask for anything from me. She sounded more like my old W than she has in ages.
Part of me is glad. I'm also glad I was able to DB and end the call first. Part of me isn't and it just makes me miss my old W even more! Who knows why she was like this and I won't waste time any time trying to figure it out. Let's hope that maybe, just maybe, she is starting to no longer feel the need to blame me as much as she has been! One thing I can say...I'm starting to detach more for sure. I couldn't have had this convo. with her without freaking out or thinking it meant more than it does just a month ago. That's good. Now, if only I didn't have to fight her about D14's custody.......
That's a good baby step! I'm happy for you. I like when they come out for a little bit
Keep being positive. Things will work out for you and your d.
More hugs and support!!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
I like that term, "Blip of Decent." I'm going to steal it.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Happy to hear a decent conversation between you and ur W.
Maybe it will continue,,,,maybe not either way it was a good one.
Praying W and you are both being decent when its time to discuss custody of your D
Last edited by 2BHappy; 08/17/1406:31 PM.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Well, didn't take long for W to go back to her old self!
W texts this morning. Said she read the notice and asks me for a copy of 2012 return so she can send it in. We spoke last night and I explained to her that it was already done, that I had worked hard to give them everything they wanted from 2008 until now. She said she understood. So, this morning she decides to just forget everything we talked about last night and ask me to make copies. It's like we never spoke, or worse, she doesn't trust me to take care of it. So, I text her that I already sent everything and I also get notices asking for stuff that I already sent but that I was told to ignore redundant notices. I ask her what the notice ID was. She sends a terse text with the ID. I tell her that it matches one I had already taken care of and if it would make her feel better, I would call and ask about notices sent to her as well as me. So, what do I get back from her? NOTHING. No response at all. Here I've spent so much time and effort on this, she said to me just last night that she was glad I had taken care of it because she had no idea where to even start getting the info and now she wants to get in the middle.
It doesn't help that the IRS is so screwed up that they are sending notices about stuff that already has been done but that's the gov't for you. What I don't get is how she can go from being so OK last night about this to now acting like we never spoke. I should have known the crazy would come back out to play. I'm willing to bet she spoke to her father (she talks to him every Sunday morning) and he told her not to trust me. That would be just like him. He loves to stir up trouble. The bad part here is that if she starts getting involved in this it can cause problems. I have enough to worry about with this, the last thing I need is my W getting involved and messing things up.
The least she could do is text back. See, this is one of the reasons I wanted to take care of this. My W can't handle this kind of thing. She will stress out about it. She will worry and worry and come up with ways that I am to blame. She won't do anything to help, she'll just find ways to make the process even more stressful than it already is. If this was happening before she left, she would be spending more energy worrying and stressing and complaining and doing NOTHING to help the situation at all. That is something I will not miss about her. She just has such a hard time coping with stressful things. Umm....isn't that what they say about people who have MLC's, that they have poor "coping" skills? Well, that describes my W perfectly. In fact, I don't think she has "poor" coping skills, I think she has ZERO coping skills!
So, I will now have to spend an hour on the phone just waiting to talk to someone at the IRS just because my W is too worried and won't just let me handle something that she has no idea how to handle. I should have known that she would worry and worry and start to spin. One good thing that I can see from this is that I now really see how whenever we had problems over the years, all my W would do is worry and complain while I was always the one who had to take care of things. She was never able to even help a little as she would just get stressed out and I would have to remain calm and take care of the problem. I allowed this to happen, of course. I was the "man", I was supposed to be the rock that took care of things. Yeah, right. If I ever have another R or M with someone else, I will no longer allow this. I want someone who is a partner and who will at least help when problems come up, not just make things worse by stressing and worrying and complaining. I'm seeing more and more how much I "settled" over the last 21 years. How I allowed myself to see only the good things about my W. How for most of our M, she made life harder, not better. Especially after her depression. Looking back I now see clearly how her inability to cope hurt all of us. It had much to do with my oldest D's "rebellious" years. Because I was always the one who had to deal with things, it held me back in my work (can't do my best when I had to always be taking care of everything), in my social life, in everything.
As I detach, things become clearer. No more putting W on a pedestal and seeing only the good. She is going to regret losing me. I can see this more and more. But I also see that I really was a good H. I tried so hard to be the best I could. I made many mistakes for sure but I also see that a lot of those mistakes were because of the stress of always having to be responsible. Because of the stress of having problem after problem laid on my shoulders because she couldn't face them. I will never go back to living like that.
Oh, well. At least I had one nice convo. with my soon to be ex wife! Oh, almost forgot...my BIL in another state has called me and left a message to call him. He is the family "scape goat", the bad one and is always in trouble with drugs or drinking. My FIL has disowned him and my W since reconnecting with her father has had the same attitude about him. When he heard about his dad having his cancer come back, he called to tell him how sorry he was and to see if he needed anything, etc. My FIL refused to speak to him and said to my W how he wishes he would just disappear from his life! Nice guy my FIL. I wonder what he is wanting? I haven't called him back yet as I don't see any good from talking to him as we hardly know each other. At the same time, I guess I should just to see what it is he wants. Not sure what to do there.
I'd see what BIL is needing. It may be that he needs a friend since FIL is an @$$ and has taken your W to the dark side. I'd be there to support him as a friend/family, but I wouldn't get involved with anything!!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Oh, Matt. I'm sorry you've hit part of the rollercoaster that slowly goes up, with a quick drop on the other side- with a few twists and turns for you to endure.
I realize that when we see a part of our spouse we remember, we tend to attach those forbidden expectations. It is so hard not to.... but don't.
I know you knew where it was going to go next, and that you'd see a different side, as you stated, but I think that you saw her be rational hoping that she would let you handle the tax situation.
Matt, don't let her get you riled up! Of course she is going to react that way towards you. She has been terrible to you. She has a very long road ahead of her before she really starts to come around. I know you know this. It can be very difficult to really accept this. Knowing it and accepting it are two different things. I think you are doing a great job, Matt. I feel for you. She has not realized what she has with you. Maybe she never will. You can't try to fix these things.
I would just let it go. If she wants these things, send it to her. Maybe put a note on it, "Copy XXX was sent on XX/XX/XXXX." You already told her you were taking care of it. She knew that. She tried to re-engage the next day in MLC fashion. Don't do it, Matt. It was already addressed. If she wants to freak out, it is not your problem. I wouldn't even respond outside of passing along necessary information without emotion (I'd probably do it through the mail, but that's me).
It was wonderful you had the opportunity to have the nice convo with her! I think you did great! I also think your expectations are much less (atta boy!). You need to check out as soon as monster checks in.
You said your w has zero coping skills. I think that many mlcers are sent to this crisis, because they never had good ones to begin with. I think that plays one of the key factors in this. Most have childhood issues, and were never taught how to "cope" with them. Or, for whatever reason, just don't have coping skills. Add to it a lifetime of not coping with things, it gets overwhelming and any coping goes right out the window, and.... welcome to Midlife Crisis Land! Our lucky spouses get a free lifetime pass. It includes free family pack to Crazy Land! All are able to leave whenever they wish... they just have to exit through the Maze of He11.
Keep your head up, Matt! You are a great guy. She needs to bounce around for awhile in the pin-ball machine. Let her, you can't spot it.
Thanks Mighty, Even knowing that the monster was coming didn't stop the disappointment when it arrived. The problem I have with her getting involved with the tax sitch is that she will cause things to get out of whack. She will undo work that has already been done. Having two people who don't even speak to one and other try to address a complicated problem that could cost much money is just a stupid idea. She doesn't know what the heck she is doing but as an MLCer loves to do, she wants to stick herself in the middle! By sending something that has already been sent and addressed all she will do is restart the whole process only this time she will be the one who will have to get notices that make no sense and have to deal with all the fallout and I KNOW she won't be able to handle it. I am already so stressed out because of her running away from 26 years together. Because she can't seem to understand why she feels the way she does and needs to blame me.
I want to just get off the roller coaster now, please. I am at the breaking point with all that the pain caused by my W. Not just to me but to my D's, her mother, my family, everyone! Every time I take a step forward she finds a way to push me back down. It's like she wants to cause me pain. She wants to punish me and hurt me. My life is just so out of whack and she is the one who caused it to become like that. I'm finding out that I made mistakes on my taxes. Nothing that is really bad but stuff that happens. I'm trying to fix those mistakes and make things right but instead of only having to worry about dealing with the IRS, I now have to worry about dealing with her! At the same time I have to deal with the D and all that entails, making my job work so I can make enough to live, making sure my D14 is doing OK through all this crap and the D, my D19 is needing money help but I can't help her because of what my W did and I have to get my home sorted now that my W has taken so much of the furniture and there is "stuff" everywhere and no place for it!
I just didn't need her getting involved. She seemed to understand this at first but now won't listen. Since her MLC she seems to always do exactly the opposite of what I ask. In this case it can really hurt me!
Sorry about the rant. I just need to get going and deal. Thanks for the kind words, Mighty. Nice to know I'm not alone out here!
It is really stressful stuff. This is what I am learning: Even after I got off h's rollercoaster, I find that I am on my own emotional rollercoaster. It has been a few months since I've taken that ride with him. (Minus the nuke week- I don't know what I was on then).
Even if I have no contact and nothing happens, I am a whirlwind of emotions. This weekend, for example, I was on a road trip with d13 and my niece (One Direction concert). The girls were in their own world, and I had lots of time by myself. I felt, contentment, sadness and despair, anger and rage, loneliness, happiness, independence, grief- all within short periods of time. I had not interactions with h- at all. I had no idea what he was doing and didn't even think about what he was doing. It was about me and not him. This was the path he put me on. My own craziness. I get it, Matt. You want off that roller coaster. It is better when you do, but realize you will probably have your own to ride. The good part about it is that it is YOUR ride then. It is about your emotions and feelings, needs and wants. You will then focus on you. It stinks, don't get me wrong, but this is the work being done. This is how we get better, stronger, wiser.... better.
Dealing with the IRS is NO FUN and can be very intimidating. Look at the bigger picture: it will be taken care of. Whatever the problem is, you can handle it. You will find a way to resolve it and move on from it. You can't change or control her actions, inactions, or reactions. Don't even think about them or what they may be. I think the more you engage her or keep her in the dark, the more she will react. Maybe you could email her updates and keep with the facts? Its a tough sitch. That is my hardest part these days is communication. Quite frankly, I don't want any. I want to run the other way! H texted me this morning- I wanted to run right out of my house away from my phone. How funny would that look? Me screaming bloody murder running down the street. "What happened? What are you running from?" A TEXT MESSAGE asking if s went to practice.
You got this, Matt. You will find happiness. The taxes sitch- yup, what a pain, but just handle it and know it is not going to break you. Just another bump in the road. Keep moving forward.
