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Matt165 Offline OP
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Hello again,
Seems I got locked out of last thread just when Heather asked me about talking to the lawyer. To answer Heather's question...I called yesterday as I was rushing home after my D called telling me she and mom were at my home. I could only get his paralegal and she wasn't sure about the answer. That was a bit disappointing as it seems pretty cut and dry to me! There is a D in process, the court is aware of this, I have allowed her access several times to get as much stuff as she wanted and she choose to take things that were in dispute, not "personal" stuff (she still has the closet full of her clothes that no longer fit her now that she is so thin). She was supposed to get with the L and get back to me today but I haven't heard back all day.

My D14 signed up for classes at the school near my W. Another win for her and loss for my D. She talked her out of going to a better school by telling her she would have to get up really early to go there but that isn't true. My w told me she didn't want her to go because we had an offer of help from an old friend and my W says she didn't want to owe anyone else any favors (??) which makes no sense to me!

I stayed home from work today as I didn't get any sleep last night. I just can't believe the stuff that is in the paperwork from W's lawyer! She was the one who said by splitting custody we wouldn't be locked into anything but here is all this detail about where she will go and when and with whom. It gives my D no say in where SHE may want to go or what she wants to do! I know that if she wanted to do something with her mom on a day that I have her by court order, I would readily allow her. I really don't trust her mom to do the same. Her mom tells me that she is now glad she was "forced" to do things with her father when she was a kid and thinks that I should force my D to do things she doesn't want to! Up until now she used to talk about how she HATED that she was forced to spend time with her father, how she felt so uncomfortable around him. Total 180 from the last 25 years!

My W texted me today about my D14's dog having worms. (Yuck!). She wanted to say I should wash all her bed sheets (I had already done this the day she left) and must have had 4-5 back and fourths where she was actually seemed not nasty, then of course she ended with terse, one word answers. Today was hard. I kept having thoughts about how could my W hurt so many people that love her and hope to find ANY joy from anything that came from that? How could she enjoy her new life knowing how much hurt she has caused so many? If she is able too, what kind of person does that make her? One like her father I suppose.

I feel that I am so caught in a hard place. I want what's best for my D14 and not having her mother in her life sounds wrong but at the same time I honestly don't think she is capable (my W that is) of being the kind of parent a 14 year old girl needs, at least not now. I don't want to put my D in a place where she must choose between her mother and me but from what the decree says, I just can't allow that to stand! All this and I have to start making more money again as all this has really cut into that!

So much stress. I've been so stressed for long much of it because of my W. It isn't healthy and when the D is final, I lose my insurance! I need to find some way to de stress and find some kind of peace before I go insane and have my own "crisis!

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I'm so sorry you are feeling so much stress, Matt. I'm still thinking and processing your sitch and I don't have the greatest, most perfect advice, other than to please try the best you can to detach as much as you can. All she does is cause stress and grief and it has to stop. You can't stop her, and she won't stop. So stop letting it in. Protect yourself. Don't read the texts. If you have to block them then do it. Dog worms are gross, but not an emergency. I really don't know anything, but I can tell from your posts that it is really getting beyond tolerable for you. Please keep moving forward, and taking care of yourself. Take focus off of her and texts and papers. They're already written. What's done is done and if it can't or won't change, then it just is. I hate those words, myself, but I had to hear them, too. My H does not want to be married to me. Dagger. None of this is what we wanted. I'm so sorry for you, but I can relate. I lost my husband, my best friend, my house, and now my job. Pretty soon, my son is leaving for the Army. Everything I knew to be true before, isn't now. And it stinks.

But I'm convinced there is more. There is a bigger picture and we get to find out what that is. That's exciting after the pain stops...or so I'm told. I'll let you know if I get there smile.

I feel for you, Matt. I just wanted you to know I'm reading, and thinking about you and your D14. Please sleep tonight.

Benadryl works smile.


M44, H44, both M before
M4 yrs, T6
BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me
H att suicide 2/14
S 4/14
OW disc 5/14
D final 4/15
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(((Matt)))

Ditto what she said ^^^^


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Matt - I think we all go through a crisis of our own that we are forced into because of the MLCr's crisis. We're forced to take a good, hard look at ourselves.

I was thinking about what pbpetra said about what might happen when FIL is gone. I had been thinking, too, that maybe this crisis your W is having will begin to lessen. She may feel that they finally made amends, she pleased him by doing what he suggested, and then the pressure he has been putting on her will no longer be there. She may very well 'wake up' and see the destruction that has taken place. I don't know. But, with as great an influence as FIL has been on your W -- if you take that outside influence away, things might begin to settle down a bit. But, you know her best. I may be way off, but maybe not?


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BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
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Thanks Shining and Artsy,
I appreciate your posts. I know you are right and at this point it's not the loss og my W, best friend, etc. It's the trail of destruction to so many I care about as well. My oldest D19 has had to move in with her boyfriend, my youngest has had just about every part of her life destroyed from losing her friends, her home, her mother, her pets, everything! My MIL cries every time she talks to my W on the phone (my D14 told me this when she was staying with her), I just can't help my girls financially now because my W picked when I was making the least I have in the last 20 years. Not to mention the stress from the way my W has been acting (depression/anxiety, MLC, etc.) for the last several years and I am a bit overwhelmed.

Thanks for the thoughts and help!

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I agree Livenow! I can see it when she is away from him for just a few days. For now, he is blitzing her with calls and texts many times a day. Even if he were to stop treatment and go back home 1000 miles away might have at least a calming effect on her. If and when he is out of her life and she begins to really see what damage she has done, even to herself, it may be too much for her to face. She has always been a "runner". Only time will tell if she goes so far that I won't even care if she does start to come around. That will depend on how much damage she does to the girls and myself in the meantime.

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Hey Matt just wanted to lend my support. So what helps you destress? Running, reading, a detailed hobby? No matter how much craziness is going on around you please, make time for yourself even I'd you just get up 30 min early or lock yourself away at lunch time. If you crumble under the stress you can't be strong for anyone. I learned this the hard way.

I hope you can get some good sleep tonight.


Me 44 H 42
M 10 T 12 (at time of BD)
Ss 20 16
S11 (special needs)

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Originally Posted By: Shining
But I'm convinced there is more. There is a bigger picture and we get to find out what that is. That's exciting after the pain stops...or so I'm told. I'll let you know if I get there smile


You will get there Shining, almost all of us will. It just takes time. Some will take more time than others, but in the end it really is up to us how long it will take.

There is more, and there is a bigger picture. Actually, we are in that picture right now!

Matt, I want you to try something for me that I believe will help you. Every night before you go to bed, I want you to write down 3 things you are grateful or thankful for, or something beautiful you noticed that day. Try to come up with new things everyday. You can even post them here if you'd like.

I did this for a couple of months without fail back in my darkest days, and it really did help me feel better about myself and my life. The better I felt the more positive things seemed to come to me.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Matt165 Offline OP
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Thanks FY,
I actually did this right after B-day. I also told my W who was telling me she couldn't sleep more than a few hours a night because she couldn't stop from worrying, couldn't stop the bad thoughts, that she should do the same. This way she had to think of the good, not the bad before trying to sleep. She never listened to me or didn't do it because I had suggested it. In the beginning she would refuse to do anything I suggested. I will start doing this again.

Another thing that just occurred to me. The 3 times that my W has just come into my home to take whatever she wants, she was either with her father, step mother or both! I don't think THAT is a coincidence! Again, I don't know if she would have done so if she was alone or not for sure, but I think that shows just how much affect they are having on her.

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This is so hard. You are right about everything you wrote. But it still is what's happened. The inner peace is going to be such a sweet feeling when you get there. This is all an illusion of bad things that maybe not all really bad, but they are covering up good things you will eventually see. Let the bad float away, unattached to your emotions.

Originally Posted By: Matt165
It's the trail of destruction to so many I care about as well.


That is the hard part, for sure. But, an opportunity to learn REAL forgiveness. The gift of this release is for YOU. And then teach this to your daughters by leading by example.

Quote:
My oldest D19 has had to move in with her boyfriend,


D19 had to move in with bf? Had to, or chose to? There were actually zero other options? Again, I'm not challenging the way you feel, but more often than not, there are alternatives that we ignore due to pride or (and I'm sorry to say) some people find it easier to be a victim. "Had to" are victim words. Not sure if they were your words, or D19.

Quote:
my youngest has had just about every part of her life destroyed from losing her friends, her home, her mother, her pets, everything


Destroyed is a terrible way to feel. But it doesn't have to be for long. Again, you can choose to view it differently. How do you know she won't meet more friends she likes better? There are endless possibilities of good that can come from this, they just aren't seen yet.

Quote:
My MIL cries every time she talks to my W on the phone (my D14 told me this when she was staying with her),

This fact hurts, but it doesn't have you in it. You can't control or change the fact that any person cries on the phone any more than you can control the sunrise. These are the things you have to let go, and let others deal in their way, without owning their pain. It's not your fault, nor is it your problem to fix. And having those facts communicated to you from D14 will only cause you to become upset. I learned this the hard way, too. How did D14 know about the crying? Is it something she was told and can learn to request a boundary, that others such as your W or MIL not tell her these things? Nothing good can come of this kind of info passing. Spiral to negative is all. Maybe tell D14 that you are open and willing to hear or talk about conversations, as long as they relate to D14. It clearly bothered D14 to know about the crying, and it's great that she feels open enough to tell you. Also perfect opportunity to teach D14 what she can and can not control. Feel bad, but don't stew.

Quote:
I just can't help my girls financially now because my W picked when I was making the least I have in the last 20 years. Not to mention the stress from the way my W has been acting (depression/anxiety, MLC, etc.) for the last several years and I am a bit overwhelmed


You have every right to resent her for the timing and the financial problems. You planned things one way, and she changed the rules on you. But it seems like a very "stuck" and counterproductive thing to continue to hold the anger and resentment. It's sooooo hard to do, but forgive her. Forgive it all. It will feel fake and lying to yourself the first few days, but the energy you put out is the energy you receive. Your world will change when you can truly forgive and know that her crappy decisions were awful, but you didn't cause it, you can't change it, so you have to release it from your thoughts.

I'm pointing this out in love, and with the best intentions. Which of these examples can you control or change? The facts are what they are. However, the perspective doesn't need to be as painful it feels to you, not for this long. You can choose differently. It's hard, but you can.

Perhaps you could think of this as your way of "coming out of your non-MLC tunnel", and learning the difficult life-lesson of true forgiveness. You may not want to do the work because it's hard, and facing the pain and fear of the future can be paralyzing. But what you're doing now is much, much harder. Your heart is blocked. It is only hurting you. Forgive. Good will come.


M44, H44, both M before
M4 yrs, T6
BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me
H att suicide 2/14
S 4/14
OW disc 5/14
D final 4/15
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