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No, she didn't. Her boyfriend never wrote her an email like that, she said. She basically said this email has all the elements she would have wanted to hear but never did.

And I appreciate all the warnings. Yes, I'm freaking out and getting impatient. I'm also not able to move in with my life being in limbo like this. I'm spending ALL my time thinking about this at the expense of work, health, friendships, hobbies, etc. Yes, I have a lot going on with my MBA, my men's group, my volunteer work, my 12 step work, etc., but the main undercurrent is missing her. Nothing is fun. No food tastes good. Nothing is enjoyable without her in my life. I know how pathetic and obsessed that sounds, but I just want to be honest.

I messed up the Love of My Life, and I can't forgive or let go. So, part pf me wants to force the situation -- tell her I need to let her go for good, and let her come back some time of she so chooses. But purgatory isn't working for me.

You know?


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
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DBinSF Offline OP
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And for people following the thread, the "she" I'm referring to in the first paragraph above is the woman who edited my letter of last resort to my ex. It's not my ex. I reference my ex lower in the post.


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
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DBinSF Offline OP
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At the end of the day, my goals with my Ex are to:

1) Dissolve the emotional blockage that I've caused through the affair
2) Make her feel heard and understood
3) Begin a back and forth that allows her to feel safe and attracted to me again

Right? Isn't that what we're trying to do here? And if none of that is ever going to work, I need to move on with my life.


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
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DBinSF Offline OP
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Maybell, what do you mean you believe his actions? What actions? How does that play out when you never see the person? When she's trying to move in as fast as she can?


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Originally Posted By: DBinSF
At the end of the day, my goals with my Ex are to: These are YOUR goals. That says a lot right there.

1) Dissolve the emotional blockage that I've caused through the affair Whose blockage are we talking about here? Yours?
2) Make her feel heard and understood Your letter will not achieve it at all as it stands. The feedback you got from your friend...is from her perspective. She isn't Julia at all.
3) Begin a back and forth that allows her to feel safe and attracted to me again What makes you think this will happen? Have you gazed at that crystal ball?

Right? Isn't that what we're trying to do here? And if none of that is ever going to work, I need to move on with my life.


DB,

It is ALL ABOUT YOU and getting that fix from your Antsy Pantsy that is filled with fear and anxiety. You want relief from it. From what I see you, it isn't about Julia at all. It is all ABOUT YOU and how you're feeling.

You're feelings are clouding your judgement big time!

You write the letter then burn it, set aside, rip it...but DO NOT send it to her. You can do this as a part of the cathartic process for YOU. Get all of those emotions out.

I've written similar letters to Ms. Wonka and I've never sent them to her. They've been written, re-written, set aside, shredded and burned. She's never seen them ever.

That was for my emotional well-being.

Likewise for you.

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DB, as far as your ex is concerned, you're not in limbo. She's made her position known, quite clearly. The only person keeping you in limbo is you. If you need to write her a letter letting her go, fine, but don't send it.

You can't "make" her feel heard and understood, especially if you keep violating her request that you stay away. Continuous contact will make her feel you think her needs are (still) less important than your needs and that you have no desire to understand (or respect) her.

Twice you've communicated with her in written form and once (that I'm aware of) encountered her in person. No "back and forth" has been maintained. You can't start one that she will continue.

Let me say that again. You CAN NOT -- as in, not capable, not able -- initiate a back and forth in which she can feel safe.

I have been married to my H for sixteen years. I desire reconciliation with him. But if we start one I will not feel safe with him till he's done a lot of work and shown a LOT of concern for my well-being.

You are not showing concern for her well-being. You have done only a few weeks work. And you don't have 16+ years of history for her to draw from to even imagine what safe would feel like with her.

What you do have is a history of having cheated on her for 75% of your relationship with her. And for the beginning 25% of your relationship with her you were caught twice communicating with your previous ex.

From her perspective, what could you possibly offer her in the way of safety? What reason would she have for entrusting her future children to you?

Write an entire misery memoir dedicated to her if you feel like it will help you heal. But don't think for one second that anything short of a full 180 in your treatment of her will ever get her to consider going back to you.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm kind of trying to save you from yourself.

Last edited by Maybell; 08/17/14 12:46 AM.

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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DBinSF Offline OP
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Maybell, and a 180 on how I treat her is just remaining silent? In perpetuity?


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Are you deaf, DB??!

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it's not silence, DB, it's patience. This isn't about YOU. You want, you want, you want....

what does she WANT? She has said it very clearly. Yet you think you know better. Your healing doesn't mean you have to write it all out for her to "see". You're doing that for YOU not for her. Get a clue and STFU by NOT sending that letter.

Harsh yes, but you're not responding well to gentle.

Last edited by Ss06; 08/17/14 01:40 AM.

M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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DBinSF Offline OP
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Ok, ok. I've never been a good student...


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
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