2.5 Months After D-day...and I wait

[DBinSF]

Hi all, this is my new thread after we blew up the original.

The basic sitch:

- Together for two years, not married.
- Affair began 4 months in after I "thought" I was not satisfied with the sex. (I've since learned I have a difficult time getting turned on by anything but an insecure or illicit relationship. I'm working on it in therapy.)
- I broke off affair in April.
- OW sent letter to Fiancée in May.
- Fiancée asked me to move out (changed the locks on D-Day, in fact)
- I begged for six weeks.
- She told me she was going to block my phone if I didn't stop bothering her.
- I maintained NC for almost a month
- She contacted me on Aug 1 (my birthday) with heartfelt and compassionate message. There was no hint at reconciliation, but it was much more lovibg than I expected.
- I responded with my first "clean" message since d-day, meaning no pleading, no requests, no self serving.
- And now I wait...

[Cadet]

And now I wait...

OK - NO WAITING, moving forward with YOUR life.

Waiting implies wallowing, I am not saying to date.
But you must be secure in your self and healed from this to keep living your life to the fullest.

Their is much to learn and live for.

Like 25 says become a person only a fool would leave.

[DBinSF]

Any advice getting out of my mind? I'm spending all my time NOT calling or writing her. No activity fully removes her from my mind. Life doesn't taste the same without her.

[DBinSF]

Ha. I meant "getting HER out of my mind"

[DBinSF]

Guys, I'm going batty. I don't have the patience to do this. I'm miserable, depressed, not myself, without any energy or power to do anything. I'm staying in decent shape, but my work and school life is falling to the wayside. And I'm frankly no fun to be around. All I think about is how there's a disruption in the universe, and that I want to fix it.

I know this is selfish talk, and I know I created this situation, but I can't help what I feel and I hope this is a safe place to vent. My therapist insists that I should completely abandon all hope of getting back together with my Ex because she is too sane to go back. She could never tell her family and friends that she's giving me another chance after all I've put her through.

The problem is, I don't know what giving up even looks like. I'm not able to live without her as it is. But giving up forever is line giving up a part of me.

Ugh.

[unbidden]

That's what GALing is for. Get a new hobby, volunteer at a soup kitchen. Just do something new and keep yourself occupied. That's where it starts.

[25yearsmlc]

Hey,

Your life sounds so co-dependent and "needy" that it sounds pretty shallow and Unappealing.

What's up with you?

So, You did not think you were "satisfied" with the sex you had with your fiancee --so you cheated, over time, and NOW you realize your life is over if your fiancee does the normal thing?

Can you see why it might NOT be worth it to HER, to try again?

Did you have a PLAN at all for how this was going to turn out? I'm not trying to be a bitch, I'm asking you sincerely, what the heck were you thinking would happen? That No one would ever know?

Well ANYHOW,---- they all know now...

so, since you seem convinced YOU cannot GAL

b/c your situation is so much harder than others, or something, you need to know
SOME of what I did when I lived up North....

and see if ANY of these activities, almost all of which were new for me, could appeal to you OR if something like some of them, might.

TRY.....


For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. I had 3 kids including a baby (so you know I

don't want to hear about how 'busy' you are, or 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way

to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better

your R's will be with all people, including your w.

Here goes...

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Hollywood Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, I became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans) I loved riding.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

Went skydiving. Loved it so much I did it again. I plan on doing it again, soon!

Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.

(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly of their long LONG cold winters).

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I really liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty & ignoring them.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group

Took a class in Conversational French

Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do Not cost a lot.

Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.


Keep on keeping on....

[Oxford1]

Hey,

Your life sounds so co-dependent and "needy" that it sounds pretty shallow and Unappealing.

What's up with you?

So, You did not think you were "satisfied" with the sex you had with your fiancee --so you cheated, over time, and NOW you realize your life is over if your fiancee does the normal thing?

Can you see why it might NOT be worth it to HER, to try again?

Did you have a PLAN at all for how this was going to turn out? I'm not trying to be a bitch, I'm asking you sincerely, what the heck were you thinking would happen? That No one would ever know?

Well ANYHOW,---- they all know now...

so, since you seem convinced YOU cannot GAL

b/c your situation is so much harder than others, or something, you need to know
SOME of what I did when I lived up North....

and see if ANY of these activities, almost all of which were new for me, could appeal to you OR if something like some of them, might.

TRY.....


For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. I had 3 kids including a baby (so you know I

don't want to hear about how 'busy' you are, or 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way

to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better

your R's will be with all people, including your w.

Here goes...

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Hollywood Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, I became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans) I loved riding.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

Went skydiving. Loved it so much I did it again. I plan on doing it again, soon!

Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.

(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly of their long LONG cold winters).

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I really liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty & ignoring them.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group

Took a class in Conversational French

Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do Not cost a lot.

Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.


Keep on keeping on....

Wow 25 who knew!?

The exercise is one of the most important.
How often do we hear of people not eating or over eating etc.
Also it helps relieve your body of stress hormones and increases those happy chemicals.

Plus if you feel better you act better!

[DBinSF]

Thanks for this. I'm getting stuck in self-pity. I know it's not attractive. To anyone. And I know it's not fair.

I didn't really know how this was all going to turn out. I was in the throes of denial. I didn't really think about it. I was caught up in the addictive cycle of longing/craving, acting out, and shame/despair. I'm still in that cycle, but I've shifted my addictive focus on to my Ex. And I'm stuck at the longing/craving. It's called withdrawal. I know that sounds crazy, because I'm not a typical "sex addict" but I exhibit a similar pattern.

Anyway, I appreciate the GALing ideas. I'm spending a lot of time volunteering with at-risk teens. I also volunteer run a fitness bootcamp. But I could obviously always be doing more. Thanks for the suggestions.

And I will try to be less pathetic.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for this. I'm getting stuck in self-pity. I know it's not attractive. To anyone. And I know it's not fair.

I didn't really know how this was all going to turn out. I was in the throes of denial. I didn't really think about it. I was caught up in the addictive cycle of longing/craving, acting out, and shame/despair. I'm still in that cycle, but I've shifted my addictive focus on to my Ex. And I'm stuck at the longing/craving. It's called withdrawal. I know that sounds crazy, because I'm not a typical "sex addict" but I exhibit a similar pattern.

Anyway, I appreciate the GALing ideas. I'm spending a lot of time volunteering with at-risk teens. I also volunteer run a fitness bootcamp. But I could obviously always be doing more. Thanks for the suggestions.

And I will try to be less pathetic.

Sorry that came off sounding so harsh. It was the part of your thread title, that says ...."and I wait" that really hit me. It irked me.

No, you do NOT just "WAIT".

You improve. You grow. You evolve, and You become a better man.

Leading a balanced lifestyle. (Or Learning to...) with PATIENCE, and creating a support system for you, being inside a support system, so when it comes to other people in your life who need YOU, you can support them in their time of need, and let them support you when needed.

So that if & when one element is suddenly missing from your life, (whether it's cocaine or heroin or alcohol or HER,) you don't fall apart.

B/C even if your former fiancee called you tomorrow, tell me how YOU are different as a partner today. Because from where I sit, you don't sound ready for her to want more, anyhow.

Can you tell us 3 things you'd do differently WITH/FOR her?

And now, please tell us 2-3 things you'd be doing in your life that's different,[OTHER than things related to Her?

ANY New hobbies, or taking classes, or finishing your degree, getting a new physical activity that involves other people, etc.


We know she won't want to go back to the relationship you HAD.

So tell us,

WHY SHE should want to build up a new R with you now/from this day forward? What would it be like? How would honesty and transparency be shown?



How are you SHOWING that you are growing?

In sum, I want to know things you are DOING now

or planning to start in the next 30 days...

I bet it's a lot more than "waiting". Right?