Nitty in a Nutshell (Help! I'm in a nutshell!)

[Nitty]

Thanks, Caliguy. Worrying about his feelings is what I always did best during our marriage. I guess I've been fired from that job, LOL.

I'm doing so much better than I did when all this started. Eating and sleeping, GAL, enjoying myself with friends. Detaching, though... that's been hard.

I'm already a better person. After 8 months of affirming and validating my ass off, I've learned some valuable communication skills that will come in handy during extremely stressful situations, like, say, during a Zombie Apocalypse.

I am a stronger person, more willing to look at what I do and understand why I do it. I've come to understand how resilient I am. I have a better relationship with God.

Unfortunately, I'm less willing to put up with nonsense. It seems to me that most of DBing during a MLC is putting up with nonsense. Sorting through gas lighting and trickled truths. Crap like that.

Yesterday Mr. Gritty sent me many texts about an argument he had with S23. I waited 14 hours, then sent him an email in response to answer his questions about S23 (who is still living with me).

I kept it impersonal but factual, and didn't reply when he tried to keep the convo going. As recently as last month I would've responded until he stopped, so yay me. (Back then I thought I was doing a 180, because prior to the BD, he always complained that I never responded to his texts).

Got one text today, Mr. Gritty telling me he renewed a subscription. I didn't respond at all.

I haven't told S25 that his dad filed for the Big D. I figure it will come out eventually.

I've been wrestling with the idea of paying for DB coaching, but it's so expensive. Mr. Gritty put us both on a strict allowance (he's got a rude awakening ahead about money). And lately I admit to wondering if I want to get back with Mr. Gritty. Certainly not the way he is now.

I guess these forums are DB Coaching Lite.

[HopeTex]

Just reading up on your sitch. You are a very strong woman and getting stronger everyday. Even when you feel weak. I think that is one great thing about reading other people's stories, you see how much they are transforming and improving, even when they feel like they are dying and weakening. And then you realize that is what is happening to you too!

[Nitty]

HopeTex, reading other people's sitches really does help because I see how other people are dealing. It makes me look at my sitch in a different way.

But I'm also worried, because I'm becoming less patient as a result... seeing everybody treated like crap, and it makes me mad by their MLCers.

Like your W. She was so callous, just trying to bully you into moving out.

And then I think, Hey! I'm being treated like crap, too! And something twists inside me and it asks very loudly: "NITTY. Why are you holding on to this a$$hole?"

I interviewed attorneys today. All the while I kept thinking: "I hate this. I do not want a divorce!" And "He is full of sh!t! Get rid of the a$$hole!"

Like there's two people in my head and they're really pissed at each other.

And then... he texted me today.

Have to do more dental work. Damn.

So. He went to the dentist. This is just like a pre-BD text. Just sharing with the old ball-and-chain. OK.

So I wrestle with this... do I respond? He is sharing his problem with me.

But! He is also divorcing me!

And... he is disgusted by me, he said so.

I made my case last week to save our marriage, blubbering like a baby, and he shot me down because He Is Through. Done With Her Ass. He said so in mediation.

So what is this? Is he changing his mind? Is he trying to eat cake? Is he playing games again?

Finally, I wrote back.

Sucky. Sorry.

About 20 minutes later, he wrote back:

I haven't even started my forms. Work is killing me.

He's talking about the "Divorce Nitty's Ass" forms the mediator gave him to fill out before our next mediation appointment.

Is he going to cancel the next mediation appointment because he's too busy to finish filling out the forms? I guess that would be good, more time is always good, but does that mean ... what?

In the old days I would've offered to do whatever it was he couldn't get done because of his job. So I want to say something like, "No way! Are you actually hinting that you want me to fill out the forms for a divorce I do not want?"

Probably best not to respond at all. I probably shouldn't have responded to his first text.

I am so confused. I am so unsure about the best way to handle any of this.

[Nitty]

Even though Mr. Gritty is a MLC A$$hole right now, for almost 30 years he was a good man who lived with honor and integrity. He was a good H and a good dad. He loved me, I KNOW he loved me no matter what he says now.

I love The Old Mr. Gritty so very much. I wonder if he is really and truly dead, or if one day he'll walk through my door and tell me how sorry he is and how he'll do whatever it takes to fix what he broke.

That is my fantasy... but isn't it an expectation, too?

I can't afford a DB counselor altho I really want one, especially now; I've got a limited amount of $ and I'm budgeting it to pay my legal and financial experts.

So I am renewing my commitment to DIY DBing. I will not blubber when H and I meet. I've got to Act As If I am not devastated by this impending D. Act As If I can -- and will -- move on.

I will make myself up really nice for our next mediation appt. (Which also happens to be the anniversary of the day we promised "until death do us part"). I will be ...

Can I be confident in myself? Can I at least ACT that way?

I also worked out a statement I can use when H sends me texts like his last one. "I want to repair our marriage. If you do not, then we must resolve our finances."

I haven't sent it, still testing it in my head.

[Nitty]

IN THE MEANTIME

I work/volunteer in a place that is just made for matchmaking and our customers have put me on their To Do List. I am now being told of eligible men who would be perfect for me, who would love to go out just for a date, just to have fun.

I am not putting out this vibe. I am content to be alone right now, in fact, I worry that any part of me that assisted my dysfunctional marriage is still within me, and I will only carry it to the next R. I've got to fix myself before I start up with anybody else.

Also: it actually makes me feel bad, like I'll be "caught" and Mr. Gritty will be right, that he can't trust me. (I realize that is a residual from the first months after BD, when I believed everything was my fault.)

What I really want to do is continue my dancing lessons. Prior lessons were with my oldest S, who needed to learn how to dance for an event, but he doesn't need lessons now, the event is over. So I need a partner who can commit to an 8-week adult ed course.

I am so pissed off about infidelity that I don't want to be dancing weekly with somebody else's man. Nor do I want a single man because I would feel so awkward in such close contact. I am conflicted as to what to do.

I have several lesbian/gay friends who might be willing (and who want to lead) but they all live out of town.

I might call the dance instructor and ask for help in finding a partner. Me, and all the other women out there who need partners.

MEN... GET OUT AND DANCE. THERE ARE A TON OF WOMEN OUT THERE WHO NEED PARTNERS.

[Matt165]

Hi Nitty,
Let me get this right...HE filed for D just 10 days ago and now he sends you a text that says HE wants to fix the M? That's right up there when right after B-day, you ask to "work" on the M and they say "I have tried" but can't say what exactly they tried or what they "worked" on! Has he ever said that he was willing to try and "fix" the M before? Sounds like maybe he is starting to see that he's not going to come through this D with everything he thought he would. I know my W still thinks she will be able to call the shots with our D14, keep all the stuff she wants, not pay any CS or SS and just "allow" me to live in "our" house until D14 turns 18 and then get half of the value. At the same time she has refused to even go to one MC session, has no real reason for ending a 21 year M other than she doesn't want to be M any more, doesn't care that she's hurting the kids ("they'll get over it") and at the same time thinks that the court will side with her on every detail!

I'm not sure how I would respond to that text, Nitty. I would love to know what ideas he may have on how to go about "fixing" it, that's for sure. Probably something along the lines of he gets to have OW, you just take care of everything and settle for whatever HE decides he is willing to give. There, M fixed!

I know how you feel about wanting that really great person that they used to be back. Really, I do. For most of our 26 years together I loved and respected my W greatly. That person is either gone for good or buried so far down that it will take a long time for them to come back out. Even if that did happen the old H is gone and the person that they become won't ever be the same. Protect yourself Nitty. Go into mediation knowing you tried everything you could to make the M work and you deserve what you want as much as or more than your H. Hold your head up high knowing that you tried, you were a good W. You didn't break him. Always remember that!

[Nitty]

Sorry, Matt! I see I was very unclear.

That TM ("I want to repair our marriage. If you do not, then we must resolve our finances") was what I was thinking of sending in response to H's complaint that his work is hard and he hasn't done any D paperwork.

The last time he ever said he was willing to try and fix anything was in March. It took him about 3 days to withdraw that statement.

Since then his attitude has been: "It's no use trying to save us, you'll just be rubbing my nose in sh!t for the rest of my life."

And this last couple of weeks his attitude has been "I tried to save us, but you pushed me to this."

I'm feeling like I don't know up from down anymore. I take sh!t from his relatives for defending him so much and hoping our M will survive when they're sure it won't. Then I take sh!t from him for poisoning everybody against him and pushing him to D.

[Matt165]

No problem, Nitty.
As for what he is saying about "It's no use...." is normal MLC speak, I get the same. I too get the Sh!t from everyone about not just dumping my W and wanting my M to work. I also get the "poisoning people against her" mainly my D's at this point. (I haven't but her fear that I will is so strong she is CERTAIN I will!). Hang in there Nitty, we both will get through this!

[HopeTex]

Nitty, seems like you and I are in a similar boat, we don't want our WAS to actually move forward with the divorce but we also hate the prospect of just dangling here waiting to see whether the axe will fall. It must be pretty nice being the WAS, I imagine they do have chaos and confusion in their lives but it seems like it wouldn't be as near as hard as what we are going through. I have to keep reminded myself that my WAW just isn't feeling the same pain as I am, or at least the same type. She has convinced here self that the M is crappy and expendable and that life will be better on the other side. It hurts but I have to remember that (at least for now) she doesn't have the same affection and longing for me that I do for her. So when she sends me a text asking how I am doing or when I get home she asks me how my day was, I am wrong to think this is some type of romance rekindling. At this point, it is probably her just trying to be cordial and transition me into the "We are friendly and cordial ex-spouses" zone. So I can't get unrealistic hopes for now. For now I have to detach, detach, detach, GAL GAL GAL, Act as if, Act as if, Act as if. Any type of rekindling will be months and months down the road. And I think we have to accept that little texts or gestures from them at this point are not signs of rekindling. I imagine that if and when they ever change their mind and decide they want us back, they are going to make it much more obvious. Just some random thoughts...

[Shakspr]

Nitty, just came over to check out your sitch and say thank you for your kind words on my thread. I am grateful for your compassion.

GAL, if, for no other reason, to save your own sanity. I am, and my WAW already filed (within 1.5 weeks of the BD). I will now ACT AS IF she is a neighbor whose house burned down and is sleeping on my couch. And may need a cookie.

However...with your deal. His pride seems to have taken over his logic circuits (worried you'll rub his nose in it if he changes his mind). And his family sounds like mine, agreeing with whomever happens to be in the room then reconvening to judge everyone involved.

A thought...I have had more fruitful (but still very sad) conversations with my WAW when I have said "Nobody gets to badmouth you around me. I won't condone it, and if one of my friends or family does so around the kids...they won't be seeing the kids anymore." I know that your children are older, but it still seems appropriate. Heck, defend him IN FRONT OF his or your family if such a situation arises. (Not sure if you two are still doing public appearances together.)