Nitty in a Nutshell (Help! I'm in a nutshell!)

[Nitty]

I'm posting (after lurking) because I'm scared. I'm second-guessing myself regarding everything I do. I know I'm in moderation as it's my first post. Here's a summary.

I'm 54, H is 55. Married 27 years after living together for 6. Two adult offspring. More stats in signature. I read DB back in early 1990s and felt it helped our marriage. I was always the fixer in our relationship.

I thought the last four years were great. It was like we were in a second honeymoon. All our troubles seemed behind us. Cue violins.

And then... several Life Crises x Aging = Instant MLC.

EA-->PA with OW, his admin/our mutual friend.

I would give more details but really? They loved each other deeply, hurt me really bad. Mr. Gritty's body got possessed by a space alien and... it's like a million other stories here in the forum. Nothing new under the DB sun.

H broke up with OW (still sees her "as friends") but he wanted to date others. For months I let him walk all over me as I tried to win him back. I could never make boundaries, much less enforce them. But when he told me he intended to date, and then a friend told me she saw him out with a woman, I realized him dating others was a boundary for me.

So I said I couldn't handle him dating any longer. That's all I said. Just that I couldn't handle it. He said I was "forcing" him to file for D and I told him he had to do what he had to do.

That was May. He researched D, kept updating me with info on how our lives would be blasted by D, but he never actually filed. I've been waiting, but he never did it.

In the meantime we've contacted each other for necessary business, but always on his terms. His rules: no calls, no meetings in person except where we had to meet for family obligations. We can only communicate via text or email. He says he feels safer this way because I "twist" his words around. I realize this is his way of controlling the situation.

I agonize over any texts I must write. I edit/rewrite them to validate/affirm his feelings and concerns and then hit send ("I can see how you might think X, etc."), and it's always the wrong answer, proof I am a conniving scorned woman, playing the victim, out to get as much of "his" money as I can, etc.

Last two weeks he suddenly got angrier in his texts, attacking me more. I figured he was building up a head of steam big enough to motivate him to finally file for D. I practiced detaching daily, GAL, etc. Thought I was doing pretty good, too. NOT.

Yesterday he texted he was so tired of all the pain. He gave me a newsflash: "I tried coming back. I didn't date btw. You were the last woman I was with. But it's too much."

I figure he is just saying that. More rewriting history. But still, I freaked out. All I could think of was: he never told me he wasn't going to date. He never told me he was trying. He only ever said he would divorce me because I couldn't handle him dating other women. Friends told me they saw him out with other women! How was I to know he stopped dating and started trying?

We argued about it, I know that is wrong. I asked him when he changed his mind, if he was still interested in trying to reconcile. He said no, because he's too exhausted by all the drama and I "can't forgive because forgiveness is not in your nature." The PA started between two cancer surgeries I had, for crissakes. I forgave that. He was a wounded soul. MLCers make mistakes. Etc.

Then he made an appointment for us with a divorce mediaton for this afternoon.

I basically cried through yesterday. Scared. Praying. Second-guessing myself. I totally believed I was detached! I believed I had separated myself from all expectations, no matter the outcome. How could I have fooled myself so much?

I remembered to GAL, found a concert and went by myself. I had fun, too. I cried all the way home, but I did have fun at the concert.

So I am a mess. Looking for advice for today. Maybe some comfort, too. I've stopped the pursuing business I used to do. I don't want to cry during the proceedings. I will ALLOW and not be defensive.

Any advice on how to behave during the proceedings will be appreciated.

So that is me, in an extremely large nutshell. Insecure and second-guessing myself. Heart-broken, even though the last couple of months I was okay. I was okay! Why not okay today???


And Cadet, let me beat you to the punch:

Hello to everyone here on the board.

I'm already GAL. And when I'm not feeling like I'm having fun, I pretend I'm having fun. I went to that concert yesterday after all the drama. That counts, right?

I DETACH daily. OK, I'm totally lying. Some days I suck at detaching. Like yesterday. But I'm way better than I was the first 4 months.

I believe none of what he says and less than half of what he does because he is looney tunes right now. And yet... I let myself argue with him when he was so obviously irrational.

I had NO EXPECTATIONS. Although when push came to shove today I discovered I still had some expectations in there, somewhere. When they come to the surface I dump them.

I take care of myself, I breathe, I eat, I sleep, I exercise. I gained back 10 lbs, so my friends are off my case about being anorexic.

I know I'm on moderation right now on the forum.
SO I'll post in small frequent posts until I get off of it. Er, this is a LARGE post. Sorry.

My H is giving me a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME. Yes.

I've been USING it wisely. Sometimes I mess up. I always regroup.

Sir, the knowledge of bacon is power -- My cousin Francis

[kml]

That was May. He researched D, kept updating me with info on how our lives would be blasted by D, but he never actually filed. I've been waiting, but he never did it.

This usally means he does not want to face up to what he will OWE YOU in a divorce.

Get an attorney ASAP. Even in mediation, you should have your own outside attorney to consult with. You need to protect yourself financially.

Get copies of everything you can. Who knows what H has been spending on his MLC? Has he cashed in any retirement funds or run up credit cards?

Forget about what he said about how he tried to come back. He didn't try - trying would have been telling you he was trying, taking you on dates, going to counseling.

Remember that divorce is just a piece of paper - it won't prevent him from coming back IF he snaps out of his MLC. But YOU need to be protected financially from his crisis, so get GOOD legal advice and DON'T make the mistake of being "too nice" in the divorce4 settlement in hopes of winning him back. Instead try to protect as much of your assets as you can from his MLC. If you reconcile in the future he'll thank you for it.

[Matt165]

Welcome Nitty,
Yes, I got the old "I did TRY" from my W as well. If she did, I sure as heck never saw it! To them (MLCers) trying isn't the same as the rest of the universe. At one point (not long after B-day) my W said she would do some anti D program. It had a workbook and one week you were supposed to do this, next week you were supposed to do that. The thing is she never did any of it! After the first week she got angry and told everyone I was trying to "guilt" her. I never once tried to guilt her, if she felt guilt it was because of what she was doing, not because of anything I had done.

Does your H really think that dating other people while M is "OK" and not any worse than getting a D? Look at the crazy things he is saying and doing and know that he is the insane one, not you. I know there were times that I bought into her "You're the reason for this" chit. Do yourself a favor and don't do that if you are able. Be careful. My W has now filed and has reneged on EVERYTHING she had agreed to (and I let her have things that I never would have if I had known she would be doing this). kml is right, get a L. I offered to do mediation and my W agreed but changed her mind and hired a L and then told me that I didn't need one! This person who didn't have a sneaky bone in her body for 26 years, now has been screwing me behind my back all this time.

He may think dating while M is OK but you do not! You are in the right to tell him that that is just not acceptable and the D is HIS doing, not yours in any way. Protect yourself, be glad the kids are old enough that it doesn't affect them too much (although it does and they will be hurting as well). It stinks that you must be where you are but you can and will get through this. Be strong and post whenever you need! We are here for you!

[artsy]

Um, Nitty, I literally LOL'd at the last line of your post. A sense of humor will get you through this much easier!

That, and bacon.

[Ggrass]

Nods um yeah nitty, I got the unforgiving bitach speech too.

Along with most other standard lines.
I'm going the mediation route too, it takes a while. Mine said their is nothing to mediate.
Hs fave line is I never contributed anything to our life! Not one cent! Not one bit of work or shared interest.

Alien land, crazee script.

[Cadet]

And Cadet, let me beat you to the punch:

OK good and I am hoping you did all the homework assigned here on the MLC board........

[Wonka]

And Cadet, let me beat you to the punch:

OK good and I am hoping you did all the homework assigned here on the MLC board........

What homework??! Shoot...c'mon and join me in detention hall and I can slip you the real answers to the fake MLC test! Pssst...there is no MLC manual so there's no open book test.

[Nitty]

Yesterday at mediation, I made my case for the marriage.

I said Mr. Gritty didn't give us a chance yet, how it was a waste to destroy it, how even he admits he was happy as recently as last year, so why risk losing it? How we were so good together... that what happened is repairable, we can be stronger than we were before, that we owe it to ourselves to try to save it until we exhausted every last option.

Mr. Gritty made his case for killing our marriage: He is DONE. Nitty is poisonous, vindictive and bitter. Unforgiving. She threatens to expose his sins to the world if she doesn't get her way. And MC will just give her a sh!tload of ammo with which to humiliate him. Any R with Nitty means living the rest of his life with his nose constantly rubbed in sh!t.

I don't recognize the man spewing all this crap, I didn't recognize the person he talked about, either. He typically goes in waves: Nitty is awful, Nitty is good and he's awful, Nitty caused it all, this was all caused by his issues... each wave getting more exaggerated until... here we are.

Then we signed a bunch of papers, me snuffling and blowing my nose the whole time. Mr. Gritty was jovial, almost happy-go-lucky.

I don't want him back now the way he is, anyway. But I WAS hoping I could ride this MLC out until the REAL Mr. Gritty returns. This guy--he's an [censored]. He was so cold, so cruel.

This morning I found texts from Mr. Nitty. GOD. I hate texts.

Summary: he's really sad. Also: "You pushed me to this." And Nitty hasn't forgiven and probably never will, that maybe Nitty needed him to do this. That Nitty always says one thing but acts like another. Oh, well, it's done now. Etc. Just more MLC gaslighting.

KML, Matt165, Artsy, GGrass, Wonka... thank you for responding.

I've taken care of legal/financial concerns already, thank you. Family members pushed me into doing it, now I'm glad I did. You are right; his responses are just MLC insanity. MLC BLOWS. He's already told me I've been freeloading off him for years... and he won't give me a cent unless I meet his conditions of employment... but the law won't care what he thinks.

Cadet & Wonka, I've read, copied and printed out so many pages from this site over the last few months. The stickied threads, especially. Some are taped all over my bathroom walls.

Now I'm looking at all the pages I copied -- they are swimming in front of me. I've read so many books, hundreds of books. MLC books, infidelity books, marriage books. I know my life is already better, that MLC is a gift, but I am so sad right now.

I know what I should do for myself, but not sure how to act in this new phase of my life: Divorce Proceedings.

I've already detached so much. I'm not devastated like I was the first few weeks of our separation, when I wanted to die, when I couldn't eat and stayed in bed all day. But now I'm confused and need direction. Somebody shove me in the right direction.

I'm dropping the rope, leaving the door open. I won't wait for him but I want to move on in a way that will keep that door open.

[Ggrass]

My mediation s more about property. H consistently as said no r exists. His actions show nc since bd. he just walked, Expects me to chases and ge sand Blowen in my face constantly by him.

I could not handle the abuse. It was abuse have the a rubbed in my face.
All that spew about nitty, still could be about gg!

They are just so scripted its not funny.
The happy go lucky could be just an a? Is there one?

[Nitty]

Today I read what I wrote yesterday and I wish I could delete the first half. I am ashamed of my reaction. That's not who I want to be. I can see bitterness and despair.

Obviously not detached. Obviously.

Today I am better. Got more sleep. Re-read everything I copied from the stickied threads.

No more backsliding.

I will be polite but firm about my boundaries.

I will do some intense prayer before each mediation appointment so I am more centered and calm. No more crying. Just acceptance of what is, no resistance to what is happening.

I can choose to be scared, or sad. Or I can choose to be in a better place than those emotions.

I am a child of God and have no reason to fear anything on this planet.

Thank you, GGrass for sharing with me. At one point I wondered if there was another OW because he was so jovial but really? It doesn't matter.

The OWs are just symptoms of the MLC. They have nothing to do with me. I've got to remember that.

I am unfamiliar with the acronym GG, though. Tell me what that means!