Does fear drive the crazy train?

[beatrice]

I just had the insight at the end of my last thread that a lot of MLC venom might arise from their fear.

[Ggrass]

Really who woulda thunk it.

It's anger from fear, all of it.

[beatrice]

Just took me awhile to get that one!!

[Wonka]

Hey Bea,

Some of us are slower than others! But we cross the finish line somehow.

[exquisitetobe]

Fear of what life would be WITHOUT YOU !!!! Fear of living without you... Fear of losing you... It is part of this madness.. Which is why they are oblivious to the mess they cause.. the hurt their departure creates. they feel the same pain. the confusion of whith and without.. wanting it and not wanting it.. whatever " it " is..
I remember you mentioning that your ex talks like YOU AND YOUR KIDS abandoned him.. My ex do the same thing.We didn' t leave him, he left us ( but won' t let us go ).. like your MLCer..
I don' t think it is all about this fear but I believe it is a HUGE part in a MLCer dilemma.

[Lifes Twists]

I agree exquist. My wife still refers to it as our marriage when she has had a confrontation with my mother and when it comes to our kids she still says to keep things within our family meaning just the 5 of us. Yet, she is the one trying to break it all up. In March she called me because she was having money problems. I asked her why she was calling me and she responded that I was the only one she had. She has 4 siblings and both parents, yet I am the only one she has. I think the fear is a symptom of their madness, along with memmory loss, indifference to loved ones, multiple personalities, etc.

[wishing, hoping]

What are they fearful of? Losing the LBS? Then why did they leave in the first place? I don't think my ex is scared of anything. He's a classic narcissisist.

I'm sure my ex is only afraid of having no money. That's where you will see his true colors every time.

WH

[beatrice]

WH I do think narcissists are different, and have different drivers.

But for my xh certainly, the light bulb moment when I realised it was fear, so many things made sense. The fear isn't obvious, but it is there.

[exquisitetobe]

WH, mine left " in the first place " to live a fairy tale with his ?soulmate?... He needed a change in his life and felt STUCK.. Time was running out and a wife and 4 kids were holding him back.. Tomorrow might not come and he wanted to have fun, party, travel, have affairs and stay away from responsibility like it was the plague.. ALL ABOUT HIM..

This fear was inside and his confusion began.. the negative effect of his choices started hitting him like tons of brick.. He wanted our blessing but he wouldn' t give us his?? Why on earth should we get to be happy when he was sooooo miserable??
His dilemma began.. his struggle is with himself. not me, the kids, the girl friend, work, God... He was lying, cheating, secretive, mean, abusive, withdrawn, trying to have best of both worlds without consequences.. anyway.. buttom line: I conducted myself with pride, self-respect, self-control, and I stayed true to myself so that my soul stayed clean and intact.. I did not choose self-medication which would have made things worst for me ( internally, emotionally and psychologically )

[Ggrass]

What are they fearful of? Losing the LBS? Then why did they leave in the first place? I don't think my ex is scared of anything. He's a classic narcissisist.

I'm sure my ex is only afraid of having no money. That's where you will see his true colors every time.

WH

Actually wh this is what my ic was trying to make me see, that my h might be a narc.
Something happened in my life, It was always about him not me. I go to a funeral for a relative of mine and its about how he is missing out.

Narcs are fear driven, do not think they aren't. They just don't deal with it the same way.
They fear that people will expose them for the shallow fakes they are, it's all about keeping up appearances.

It's tiring and most do not sleep well. Im pretty sure my h used to deliberately punish me by kicking me in the back all night. With extensive reading, it's a classic narc trait.

Wearing you down both physically and emotionally to make you pliable and believe their every word.

The money thing is classical narc trait too, they see it as a proof oh how they are ok enough to be successful, and those who have a problem with them are just mentally sick people who resent their success.

Hence my h sees me asking for property and money for a settlement as a betrayal. Even if I only take 1/3 of what I might be entitled to.

Narcs are also fearful of loosing their supply of one way niceness, which is the lbs! They are often the ones who run and never look back as they do not have remorse or empathy.

They are more concerned with how it looks. Mine said "too late, I've told every one" in such a a way that it would be too embarising to say I made a mistake.

So of that is rambling as I find being eloquent hard in the written word, I spell terrible and often have to look for other words I can spell.

The classic narc line is your used up! Which is the way they see things in their head. Yes, I was in his words used up. They have bleed you dry for all your emotion, like a vampire.