Taking it day by day.. Part III

[T384]

So after our texting conversation I posted this morning he immediately posted a picture of him and OW kissing and holding hands on Facebook. Do I make a comment that we are still married and this is disrespectful or let it go as if I don't even know about it along with everything else?

I know the answer is probably going to be stay silent. But the me he first met would call him out on his bullshit. We are legally married - this is disrespectful. Especially after we just had this conversation Tuesday about respecting me and the boys during this process

[Thornton]

Nope. Dont say a word. And stop looking at his FB.

He is a liar, treat him as such. Don't beleive a word that comes out of his mouth.

[Train]

Your instincts are right: don't mention that photo at all.

Do not instigate.

Remember: you are detached from him and his actions. Even if you're NOT, you act as if you are.

Best thing to do, Taylor, is come up with a list of your non-negotiable core boundaries. Among mine:

1. I will not live in an open M.
2. No communication with OW in front of or around the kids and me, especially in our family home.
3. No taking the kids around OW.

Those were sort of "benchmarks" for me. I largely ignored most everything else. My H never posted photos of himself with his OW on FB, so I didn't have that contend with. But I'd agree with Thornton: if access to your H's FB page is causing you anxiety ... or if it could mess with your PMA ... delete him. Your sanity trumps any intel you can get from FB. And it's too tempting to snoop. And then be hurt as a result of the snooping.

I kept my H on FB for a little while, figuring that knife cuts both ways: I let him see that I was "moving on," spending quality time doing fun things with the kids and going out with friends. But I eventually saw that there wasn't much more beneficial about it. So I dumped him.

[JCred]

H textd me asking if I was working yesterday. I told him is was in meetings most of the day but had plans for the night after so he was more than welcome to come take the boys since I wouldn't be home until late. He responded that he couldn't he had to work. I just replied okay

Perfect!!! Now you're getting the hang of it.....
I love the part that you wouldn't be home until late.... Excellent 180 there....

He said he would come over tomorrow night (as in today) I just replied that I had dinner plans after s3's bball game but maybe he could come before the game or on Saturday. He said okay.

Excellent again... THAT'S how it's done... Great job.
Look who said okay THIS time.. Way to take charge and yet still be nice..

Well this morning he textd me telling me he would come over tonight to look at the washer (this shows me he doesn't obviously read my texts). I replied thanks but I'll actually be out. Maybe tomorrow? He said okay. He told me he got the keys to his new place and I said congratulations.

Ya think he sent that text because he was wondering in the back of his mind about this.."having plans and getting home late comment sparked his curiosity.. (I do) Kind of the same things we do when it is reversed isn't it?

Notice who said okay again to YOU....

You ARE on the right track now. I am a former WS and this is the correct path for you.....

Also, don't respond to his FB..... "who cares" is your new attitude... It's all about you and the kids now.....

You are in the beginning stages of having him wonder now what is up with YOU.....


Great job and a fantastic 180 turnaround from the person I have been reading about these past few weeks..... Much more attractive. Much more....

Make sure that you DO get in very late.. Very late.... Laugh and have fun... Go to breakfast at 2:30 or something like that... (men hate that stuff)

Michelle says in DR.. Under Do Something Different..
(page 115 paperback)

Don't be home when your spouse arrives as a 180

I believe your plans are very similar here.

[T384]

I deleted him back in May. All of my friends and family are still 'friends' with him on Facebook. He hasn't posted anything of them until today. This is the first photo. All of the other pictures of them kissing and everything are photos posted by OW and the boss's wife (her stepmom)

Thornton - you're right he is a liar. I don't think he even knows the truth.

My non-negotiable boundaries are

1. No open marriage (even on the way to divorce)
2. No talk of OW, no talking to her anything that has to do her around the boys or myself
3. Absolutely no contact between her and the boys.
4. No cake eating - no being friendly at basketball and other functions while actively flaunting R with OW.

I will be polite hello and goodbye. No initiation or continuation of conversations beyond what's necessary. I will no longer be playing basketball after practice. If he asks I will reply - I cannot engage in these things while you are pursuing a A/R outside our marriage. Tonight I will make a point to say hi and nothing more. I'm disgusted with him now being the one to post pictures of the two of them and tag her. I will not tolerate his continued disrespect towards me and the 10 years we have spent together - if you don't love me and it's over well shame on you but at least respect me enough to not do these things 5 months after being separated.

[T384]

H textd me asking if I was working yesterday. I told him is was in meetings most of the day but had plans for the night after so he was more than welcome to come take the boys since I wouldn't be home until late. He responded that he couldn't he had to work. I just replied okay

Perfect!!! Now you're getting the hang of it.....
I love the part that you wouldn't be home until late.... Excellent 180 there....

He said he would come over tomorrow night (as in today) I just replied that I had dinner plans after s3's bball game but maybe he could come before the game or on Saturday. He said okay.

Excellent again... THAT'S how it's done... Great job.
Look who said okay THIS time.. Way to take charge and yet still be nice..

Well this morning he textd me telling me he would come over tonight to look at the washer (this shows me he doesn't obviously read my texts). I replied thanks but I'll actually be out. Maybe tomorrow? He said okay. He told me he got the keys to his new place and I said congratulations.

Ya think he sent that text because he was wondering in the back of his mind about this.."having plans and getting home late comment sparked his curiosity.. (I do) Kind of the same things we do when it is reversed isn't it?

Notice who said okay again to YOU....

You ARE on the right track now. I am a former WS and this is the correct path for you.....

Also, don't respond to his FB..... "who cares" is your new attitude... It's all about you and the kids now.....

You are in the beginning stages of having him wonder now what is up with YOU.....


Great job and a fantastic 180 turnaround from the person I have been reading about these past few weeks..... Much more attractive. Much more....

Make sure that you DO get in very late.. Very late.... Laugh and have fun... Go to breakfast at 2:30 or something like that... (men hate that stuff)

Michelle says in DR.. Under Do Something Different..
(page 115 paperback)

Don't be home when your spouse arrives as a 180

I believe your plans are very similar here.

Thanks JCred

I have struggled with being hurt and that has hindered my responses/actions with H. I think now that just from getting a little bit my confidence back I was able to respond the way I did yesterday and today. Even congratulating him on his new place and I offered him a set of couches. He just said okay thank you.

I want to be attractive to him in all ways. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I want to be strong. I am always open to constructive criticism but really appreciate your words.

I am and always will be so thankful for this board and hopefully once I get the hang of this I can help others


And PS - late night dinner/breakfast is always a necessity to prevent or nurture a hangover! It's tax free shopping so I can't be feeling crappy tomorrow lol

[JCred]

No initiation or continuation of conversations beyond what's necessary. I will no longer be playing basketball after practice. If he asks I will reply - I cannot engage in these things while you are pursuing a A/R outside our marriage.

I would encourage you to reply with a different answer about playing basketball after practice. The boundary is communicated by your actions...

I would encourage an answer something (in your own words)

" I have plans or I have to go to ___________(fill in blank with something a busy woman would say)
But thanks for asking... Gotta go.."

You should want to come across as moving away from him emotionally. THAT shows your boundary without having to say it.. It also gives you more power... Telling him your boundaries will come later when you can use them for more leverage. Less words more action... Busy woman.. Good looking busy woman.. (Very attractive)...

[T384]

Where is everyone on the thought of accepting help from H

Him offering to fix my work car, him offering to fix the washer and if not buy a new one (coming from someone who doesn't financially help much) and now offering to look at the water pipes which are again broken.

Do I say thanks for the help but I'll take care of it, do I accept the help?

[JCred]

I have struggled with being hurt and that has hindered my responses/actions with H. I think now that just from getting a little bit my confidence back I was able to respond the way I did yesterday and today. Even congratulating him on his new place and I offered him a set of couches. He just said okay thank you.

Yes, I know you have been deeply hurt. We ache with you.

I do see a new sense of confidence in you though. I can't tell you how attractive that is to a man... You don't have to be mean. You responded correctly. The congratulations was good.

I want to be attractive to him in all ways. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I want to be strong. I am always open to constructive criticism but really appreciate your words.

Very mature... Physically, mentally and emotionally.. Shows you are a good woman. He knows that deep inside. Strength emotionally and mentally is done in different ways for different situations. You see... He has told you he wants out... To actually validate him he needs to see that you finally get it.... Ok, I finally hear you, you don't want me.. I get it.... I guess I was so shocked I haven't been listening... My bad... Got it... (that is done by your actions) Chasing a man or woman who has TOLD you flat out they are done shows you haven't heard them. It's unattractive. It doesn't work. Time and again we see that and yet we still keep trying some secret subtle way to chase..

THAT is the emotional and mental strength I am talking about..
It doesn't mean that you have given up... He may just NEED to think you have....

And PS - late night dinner/breakfast is always a necessity to prevent or nurture a hangover! It's tax free shopping so I can't be feeling crappy tomorrow lol

I am always open to constructive criticism but really appreciate your words.

Yes, you are very open to criticism. I like that. I hope I don't come across as critical.... I want you to think about what I say and know in your gut if it makes sense or not... Men are not as complicated as you may think....

I usually back off unless I sense the one receiving my advice really wants to hear it. I haven't found brow beating to work very well.. It's much easier and more effective if they seek your advice. Thanks.

Let your hair down.. Have fun. Laugh until you cry... Mingle....

[Train]

Don't be silly. Accept help if he offers it! (Even ask for it if you need it; I asked for my H's help with my car several times.) It's another opportunity for him to see you and your changes, right?

Don't get all over-the-top on us with this new (attractive!) confidence, Ms. Independent.

" I have plans or I have to go to ___________(fill in blank with something a busy woman would say). But thanks for asking... Gotta go.."

Agree with this. Don't sneak that boundary-setting stuff in just anywhere. It'll make you look snarky. And that's not the goal *at all*. What JCred is proposing is showing your H through your actions - not words - that you will not live in an open M and as long as H is choosing OW, he doesn't get YOU, too. I wouldn't use the "disrespectful" card unless he crosses one of your boundaries.

Whether you stay to play b-ball is up to you. Don't say or do anything just to get a reaction/response out of your H.

Make sense?